


Soldiers and Monsters

by virtuous_contract



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy 7, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Accidental Plot, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Feels, BDSM, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Blindfolds, Blood, Blood and Violence, Bloodplay, Bloody Kisses, Bondage, Bottom Zack Fair, Canonical Character Death, Come Eating, Come as Lube, Comeplay, Crossdressing, Crossdressing Cloud Strife, Crying, Dacryphilia, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub, Dominance, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Feels, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Fisting, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gags, Graphic Description, Heavy Angst, Humiliation, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Killing, Knifeplay, M/M, Men Crying, Nipple Piercings, Nipple Play, Non-Consensual Spanking, Oral Sex, Painplay, Phone Sex, Piercings, Plot, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Porn with Feelings, Psychological Drama, Public Humiliation, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Relationship Discussions, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, SOLDIER Cloud Strife, Self-Harm, Semi-Public Sex, Sex Toys, Sexting, Shameless Smut, Spanking, Suspension, Switch Cloud, Tentacle Rape, Tentacles, Top Sephiroth (Compilation of FFVII), Tragedy, Under-negotiated Kink, Whipping, play piercing, switch zack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:49:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 31
Words: 158,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23334910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/virtuous_contract/pseuds/virtuous_contract
Summary: Dear reader, have you tired of grinding through enemies for plot? I instead invite you to wade through endless, kink-heavy, shameless smut for plot and character development for your pleasure.Cloud has his first time with Sephiroth under unexpected circumstances. He gets admitted into the SOLDIER programme, and his friendship with Zack turns into romance. Though conflicted, Cloud just can’t put Sephiroth out of his mind. The three of them tread uncertainly, fumbling to support each other in their struggle to fulfil their roles in Shin-Ra.AU roughly parallel to Crisis Core. Contains detailed descriptions of sex and violence, on the side of angst. C/S chapters are kink-heavy w. general dubcon. C/Z is light and fluffy in contrast.Here is a kink-guide:1. C/S rape, tentacles, humiliation2. C/S fisting5. C/Z Z bottoms7. C/S play piercing9. C/Z date w. BJ10. C/Z C bottoms11. C/Z BJ12. C/S BDSM14. C/Z phone sex15. C/S humiliation16. C/Z sad sex18. C/Z dildo19. C/S gag21. C/S blood play23. C/S C fucks with love26. C/Z BJ, fisting27. C/S/Z abusive sex / rape30. Afterwords/ discussion
Relationships: Sephiroth/Cloud Strife, Zack Fair/Cloud Strife
Comments: 149
Kudos: 430





	1. C/S: Definitely a monster

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Kiki FF7 dj "monster"](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/572647) by Kiki. 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud is set up with Sephiroth to receive private tutoring to prepare for his SOLDIER exams. Sephiroth has a bigger picture in mind and summons a Malboro, a tentacle monster, which gives the lesson an unexpected twist.
> 
> Tentacle port, rape, suspension, BDSM with absolutely no safe practice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All chapters are in the process of being overhauled and betaed in a random order, so don't be surprised if there's some stylistic differences between them. The ones that are done are clearly marked. I'll update info on this once all chapters are done.
> 
> This chapter has been lovingly betaed with the help the patient and amazing [Cate Sith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CateSith).

Cloud was standing in the training room alone with Sephiroth again, as he had a few times before. Each time still felt entirely surreal. Here he was with his childhood hero, receiving private sessions in combat training. It was all Zack’s doing, of course. Never in his wildest dreams had he imagined that Zack would go through such lengths to make sure he could make SOLDIER, nor would he have thought that Sephiroth would take time to do this kind of tutoring.

While thoughts rushed through Cloud’s head Sephiroth input the data for the environment into a control panel. A rocky, desolate landscape rendered. Cloud noted the dull, artificial breeze slightly moving Sephiroth’s long silver hair before warm up exercises began.

The normal queue of hedgehog pies appeared before guard hounds and Shin-Ra troops. One by one was cut down by Cloud under silence while Sephiroth kept him under close scrutiny. No matter how busy he was with the combat he could always sense where Sephiroth was. Sephiroth’s gaze seemed to prickle his skin so much that it made him slightly awkward and clumsy.

After what felt like a long and straining warmup Cloud was already longing for the end of the session. He always overexerted his power in his eagerness to impress his childhood hero. His breathing was heavy when Sephiroth started to introduce the lesson.

“Today, we’re doing something different,” he said dispassionately.

“Oh?” Cloud tried his best to hide his nervousness but couldn’t stop himself from shifting his weight back and forth between his feet.

“Tell me about the kinds of situations a SOLDIER should be prepared for.” Sephiroth sounded strict and demanding.

“Um, first there is the monsters, then of course the Anti-Shin-Ra Elements which could be either terrorists, machines or—”

Sephiroth interrupted with a cold chuckle that sent chills down Cloud’s spine. Why was he being laughed at?

“Surely you must know battle is not the only difficulty a soldier must prepare for?”

“Fighting...?” Cloud repeated the word, hoping that repeating the words would make them more understandable.

“Can you think of any other difficulties that a soldier must train for, Cloud?”

Cloud couldn’t help himself and shuddered at the sound of his name falling from the lips he had studied so closely in all of the magazines he’d poured over as a child. With effort, he redirected his thoughts and started searching through the memories of his lectures, his conversations with fellow classmates. He barely even noticed that his focus had shifted back to his name, how he had been called so naturally and intimately by Sephiroth, almost like a friend. 

“Well, let’s explore, shall we?” Sephiroth firmly closed the slot for Cloud to give any kind of reply.

With an elegant gesture, Sephiroth summoned a monster that looked like a Malboro, a beast most akin to an animated succulent plant with a mouth large enough to swallow men whole, not that it would need to; the mouth was laced with sharp teeth. What induced a larger amount of fear in most were the innumerable tentacles used to coerce and suspend its victims long enough to inflict them with various poisons that would stun and neutralise resistance. Cloud had fought the monster before, but never alone. It seemed like an odd choice for solo-combat training. All manuals he’d ever come across recommended not to face a Malboro alone. He glanced over to Sephiroth to see if he seemed to plan to join in the fight, but his face was blank as a mask.

The Malboro opened its hideous mouth, but instead of the usual poisonous bad breath, out came a sickly sweet gust of air instead. It smelled thick and pungent, like overripe fruit, and tinted the world in a pink hue. The breath hit Cloud like a crashing wave and he immediately felt that something was off. He quickly scanned his body for the expected status effects, since he stupidly hadn’t worn any preventative materia, but instead he felt an unfamiliar warmth building inside his body, making him feel weak and heavy.

“I expected you to take this training more seriously after all the good things Zackary told me about you,” Sephiroth said in an apprehensive tone.

Cloud was frantically running through flow-charts of battles in his mind, looking for a strategy appropriate for the situation while his eyes slowly filled with panic. The Malboro slithered closer to Cloud, extending tentacles to wrap around Cloud’s arms and legs. At its first touch the sinking feeling of something being wrong increased. The tentacles felt cool to the touch, not neutral, like the other simulations were. The room could emulate machines and creatures picture-perfectly, with programmed behaviour and resistance for swords to cut, even chemical compounds but never temperature. It could only mean the Malboro was real and Sephiroth had summoned it.

The Malboro leisurely hoisted Cloud into the air, not high, just high enough for him to face Sephiroth eye to eye. Cloud kept his eyes on the ground, fighting back the tears as best he could as his head was rapidly growing fuzzier. It felt devastating that he’d lost face only minutes into the training session.

“What have you learned today so far, Cloud?” Sephiroth asked patiently, but there was something in it that made Cloud think he was amused.

“I should have been more prepared! I’m sorry! It won’t happen again,” he said in a shivering voice.

Sephiroth hummed pensively, “And more?”

“More…?” Cloud tried to understand what Sephiroth was getting at.

“Zackary told me you want to join SOLDIER. Why?” 

Despite his shame, Cloud couldn’t help but to revel in Sephiroth’s undivided attention. It was distracting, along with the heavy feeling in his body from the monster’s breath.

Cloud fought his own sounds of discomfort at the tentacles, which were finding the way into his sleeves and trouser legs. They felt cold and slippery, like tiny streams of water running over his body. It was confusing and distracting. He had never seen a Malboro behave like that before. Not only that, Sephiroth was standing uncomfortably close. Why was he so close? Sephiroth reached out a hand to his cheek and traced his jawline with a gloved finger until it stopped underneath his chin to lift his face. Even though the touch itself wasn’t unpleasant, the sudden intimacy of it deeply shifted something in him, and it was unsettling. He could see Sephiroth’s eyes glowing bright green, the slitted pupils dilating as they studied him with too much intensity. 

“You know Zackary is quite fond of you?” Sephiroth purred with interest.

Cloud’s eyes darted to Sephiroth’s in an intense moment of utter confusion before he cast them on the ground again.

“Have you never considered that a SOLDIER’s toughest battles may not be on the battlefield? Did Zachary never speak to you about such things?”

“No.” Cloud mumbled, shaking his head.

“Well, we must all cultivate our relationship to different kinds of pain, do you understand?” The shadow of a smile was dancing on Sephiroth’s lips, but it didn’t quite reach the tone of his voice.

Cloud closed his eyes, mortified while desperately trying to figure out what his instructor meant. He was prepared for pain as a soldier, but not particularly in a training session in front of his childhood hero. Tentacles kept wandering inside of Cloud’s clothes, slithering around his neck, over his lean chest and waist. At first their touch was cold, but after awhile the sensation turned hot instead, leaving trails of sticky juice in their wake. Cloud shook his head in dejection, not only because of what Sephiroth had said, but because of the situation as a whole. How did he end up here?

“You must keep your eyes open to face your reality, Cloud.” Sephiroth sounded encouraging, as if he was really just still talking about normal battle-training. 

Cloud opened his eyes reluctantly but obediently to find himself staring straight into Sephiroth’s predatory gaze. Cloud whimpered as a tentacle wrapped around one of his nipples and started prodding and squeezing it.

“Are you enjoying your lesson, Cloud?” Sephiroth purred as he leaned in and let his lips brush against blonde locks of hair. He placed his hand over Cloud’s nipple, tracing the outline of both the nipple and the kneading tentacle over the uniform top.

“Does Zackary know that you’re so sensitive?” suddenly Sephiroth sounded suggestive, seductive even, something Cloud was completely unprepared for.

“No... No no no no! Please stop! We’re in the training room! Next time I’ll prepare better…” Cloud pleaded as tears of humiliation formed at the corners of his eyes.

“Oh, but soldiers in training are encouraged to learn from each other, right? Isn’t watching part of learning, too?” Sephiroth mused and meaningfully glanced at the now concealed entrance of the training room while undoing the buttons on Cloud’s top and pushing it open.

“Your skin is beautiful, hardly any marks yet,” Sephiroth said with admiration, walking leisurely around Cloud, tracing his gloved fingertips over the smooth, sticky skin while removing Cloud’s gear and clothing, letting them fall one by one to the ground.

Cloud squeezed his eyes shut again, brows knit, and while doing so he could barely differentiate Sephiroth’s touches from the tentacles’. It was humiliating and disgusting, but there was something else too. He kept thinking that he had admired this man for so long. Fantasized about knowing him, supporting him, being useful to him, in training, in battle and in leisure time, but this he could have never imagined. The heat from the touches seemed to permeate his skin sink into a pulsating pool in the pit of his stomach. 

“Wh.. why…?” Cloud managed in his confusion.

“See for yourself.” Sephiroth let his eyes drink in the sight before him.

Cloud followed Sephiroth’s gaze, looking down at himself in mind boggling horror, He saw tentacles crawling and slithering across him, dark against his pale skin which made him feel them all the more acutely. One was climbing up Cloud’s thighs, kneading and hugging muscles, prodding and wetting Cloud’s opening. 

Sephiroth’s gaze met Cloud’s with meaningful, cold amusement again.

“No! I’ve never…” Cloud’s head shook in denial.

Sephiroth caught Cloud’s head firmly between his hands and stepped close enough to mercilessly pry Cloud’s legs open with his thigh. Cloud immediately felt a tentacle slithering into place to prod and press at his opening.

“This is an exercise about trust,” Sephiroth purred and traced a gloved thumb over Cloud’s lips before forcing it into Cloud’s mouth. The next moment Cloud was penetrated by a tentacle as he heard his hero say, “and powerlessness”. 

Cloud’s scream was quickly muffled by Sephiroth’s hand.

“I thought you didn’t want an audience for your lesson? Personally, I couldn’t care less, so be my guest.” Sephiroth said before removing his hand again.

Cloud sobbed in disgrace when he felt his own hardness against the leather and metal buckles of Sephiroth’s coat.

“Hmm.. The first..” Sephiroth mused as he absentmindedly pressed Cloud’s erection momentarily harder into his own body, not even noticing how the pre-cum formed a sticky, glistening string between the two.

“It’s you, isn’t it?” Cloud spat with disgust and disappointment.

His instructor’s chuckle was soft and unkind as he stepped back, his eyes intensely drinking in the scene he’d staged. Cloud could feel another tentacle briefly prodding around his opening before filling him even wider, stretching him. Another grabbed his length firmly and started kneading, which left him gasping and sobbing while he glared furiously through streaming tears at his childhood hero in shame and disbelief. Sephiroth’s eyes caught Cloud’s gaze and locked it firmly.

“So, how does it feel to be raped by a monster?” Sephiroth’s eyes assumed a darker glow as he slowly let the words roll off his tongue.

“No?! Let me go! Please, please just… let me go!” Cloud thought to spit at Sephiroth in an attempt to channel his anger, but sobs of helpless despair took him over before he managed to do so.

“Should I release you?” Sephiroth smirked, his eyes glinting brightly.

Cloud looked at his teacher in stunned disbelief again.

“Tell me Cloud, do you actually believe you’re in any danger?” Sephiroth’s voice was calm and dangerously disarming.

Cloud had trouble focusing as the tentacles inside him picked up their pace, which made him leak excessively. Cloud struggled to keep quiet, writhing and whining at the unfamiliar sensations and intrusions.

“Well?” Sephiroth asked while he unabashedly stared at Cloud’s cock, thinking the pre-cum looked like clear frosting that glittered in the dull, muted sunlight. 

Cloud felt as if his skin was lit on fire by Sephiroth’s gaze. He had to make an effort to collect his thoughts before he answered, “No...”

“And why is that?” Sephiroth looked up at Cloud again, looking pleased by the reply.

“Zack… trusts you and I trust Zack.” Cloud said helplessly, barely realizing the importance of his words until he said them.

“Good. Good boy. Now tell me what you really want.” Sephiroth asked sweetly.

Cloud thought he sounded so reassuring, so… inviting. So safe.

“Please… I’m… It’s scary…” Cloud scrambled for words, not even knowing what he wanted himself.

Sephiroth stepped closer but didn’t do anything else. His presence was so invasive, and the air crackled with anticipation. Cloud’s throbbing had turned into a pressing, dull ache, chemically enhanced by the tentacles’ strange secretions. Cloud tried to pinpoint what it was exactly he felt need for, to decide on what to beg for, but he couldn’t manage to narrow it down to anything other than Sephiroth.

“Please… please touch me.” Cloud asked hesitantly, his face flushing with humiliation.

Sephiroth hummed in appreciation and took Cloud’s face into his hands to invade Cloud’s mouth with his tongue. Cloud moaned loudly into his instructor’s mouth at this new stimulation, his body tugging at his restraints. The kiss was deep and sloppy, even violent. Saliva dripped, intermingled and spilled down Cloud’s writhing body while the dull ache worsened.

“More… Please more!” Cloud gasped, exasperated, into Sephiroth’s mouth as they kissed.

Sephiroth pulled away, leaving Cloud gasping as if he’d been punched in the stomach.

“More what? Be honest, or you won’t get it.” Sephiroth’s every word betrayed how pleased he was with Cloud’s begging.

“I want… more.... in my mouth. Please...” Cloud said, thinking of another kiss, before he could stop himself.

Sephiroth chuckled, and placed his hand on top of the tentacles, gently guided them lower, so that Cloud was placed, kneeling in front of him. Cloud felt an unexpected stab of jealousy when he noticed Sephiroth was touching the Malboro with more affection than him. At the same time he couldn’t help but to recognize Sephiroth’s perfect control over the monster. Controlling was a whole different level of skill from summoning, and very few could master it. To see it this up close pulled at all the admiration he’d had for Sephiroth since long before and amplified it until it pained him.

Sephiroth continued his display of control by undoing his own pants while letting Cloud watch. Then he let two of his fingers caress Cloud’s face, pulling them to his mouth while he gripped his own hardness with his other hand and slowly started stroking himself. Cloud’s eyes glazed over with relief and need. He opened his mouth willingly and rolled his head back to give Sephiroth better access. His eyes closed to limit the overwhelming sensations, his chest notably heaving with the effort of containing it all. He wondered if he’d ever look at a pair of leather gloves the same way again, the taste of Sephiroth’s filling his mind.

“Aah, you’ve become sensitive here too? Does Zackary know you’re such a little slut?” Sephiroth hummed while he explored Cloud’s teeth, the roof of his mouth, below his tongue, pinching and pulling at the muscle until Cloud started choking on his own saliva.

“Watch your teeth.” Sephiroth said and pushed himself into Cloud’s mouth. He graciously gave Cloud a moment but soon grew impatient and grabbed firm fists full of blonde locks, burying himself deeper. Cloud’s body tensed up at the unfamiliar intrusion, his eyes tearing as he struggled to breathe.

“I wish I knew what they feel,” Sephiroth said in a voice that dripped with pleasure while he imagined how the tentacles were feeling inside Cloud’s tight, wet and warm orifice.

Cloud’s face quickly became a mess of pre-cum, saliva and tears, but he didn’t try to make it stop. For a while, Sephiroth continued to push himself in and out with a slow, calculated pace to give Cloud a chance to get used to it.

“Do you feel good...” Sephiroth thrust hard into Cloud's mouth until he could feel himself hitting the back of his throat, at the same time he pushed his leg into Cloud’s cock which was still being played with by a tentacle, “here?”

A wet, gagged protest immediately came from Cloud, but he quickly stopped struggling in order to conserve his breath. His throat closed up with the reflex of vomiting but Sephiroth grabbed his head and pushed deeper still. A low growl escaped Sephiroth’s mouth which in turn aroused Cloud so much that dark spots appeared in his vision. This was certainly not the usefulness he had dreamed of as a child, but the feeling of his childhood hero filling him up like this… it was overwhelming to the point bordering insanity.

“Are you close?” Sephiroth murmured while pulling out, but crushed his leg harder into Cloud’s cock while simultaneously stroking Cloud’s damp hair in a comforting manner.

Cloud was panting, coughing and retching in pain, but he couldn’t deny his own arousal anymore. He just wanted more of it. Conflicted, he blinked away his tears and pushed his messy face into Sephiroth’s thigh, looking for comfort while trying to catch his breath. In spite of the intense humiliation, he couldn’t keep from taking note of the way Sephiroth tasted of bitters and salt, the smell of leather and metal and the faint whiff of a flowery perfume... It wasn’t information on Sephiroth’s favourite colour, music or foods like what he used to take notes on as a child. Nonetheless, all of Cloud’s imaginations of his childhood hero were enriched with these new dimensions of smell and flavour. He realised he was going to have to re-evaluate everything he thought he knew about the person in front of him and that made him feel guilty for some unknown reason.

Sephiroth chuckled as he silently commanded the Malboro to hoist Cloud higher again. He lazily touched Cloud’s body as he walked around to face Cloud from the back.

“This body belongs to Shin-Ra you know…” His fingers traced down Cloud’s spine, yanking tentacles away until the only ones left were the ones suspending Cloud and the ones that incessantly writhed inside Cloud’s opening.

Sephiroth’s touch was light, casual, teasing, but gradually turned more focused, harder, more demanding as his hands invoked new waves of desire in his helpless student. From behind, he closed his gloved hand around the base of Cloud’s cock, gripping it firmly, almost painfully, tearing a soft whimper from Cloud.

“… and I,” Sephiroth traced the join where the tentacle entered Cloud’s body, “.. am Shin-Ra” he said in a low voice, brushing his lips against Cloud’s ear as he pushed a finger inside Cloud next to the tentacles.

Cloud cried out. Dark spots alternated with blinding white flashes filled his vision every time Sephiroth curved his fingers against his prostate.

“I can’t… please…” Cloud pleaded breathlessly. He could feel his cock harden in Sephiroth’s hand but every time he was about to burst Sephiroth clamped down hard and stopped moving until Cloud could endure again.

“No…No please… please…” Cloud whimpered and sobbed again but Sephiroth carried on unfazed. 

Sephiroth circled the slit in Cloud’s cock with a sharp fingernail, digging into the hot flesh, putting off Cloud’s release with a sudden jolt of pain. He could feel Cloud’s strength running low. When Cloud couldn’t beg anymore Sephiroth withdrew his hand and pressed the front of his body to Cloud’s back, to let Cloud slide from the tentacles’ suspension into his own embrace. His arms wrapped Cloud, tracing a soaked, gloved hand up his chest and neck to finally push into Cloud’s mouth to allow Cloud to taste himself and the sickeningly sweet taste of the tentacle mucus. Sephiroth’s other hand decidedly tore the last remaining tentacle out and replaced it with his own fingers.

Cloud was struggling to keep up again. He felt as if the whole thing was too surreal. Was he dreaming? Was he poisoned? Passed out? He was pulled back into reality by the smell of Sephiroth’s leather coat, the long hair that now tickled Cloud’s body and the sharp metal clasps that dug into his back. He could feel Sephiroth’s deep and steady breath against his neck, ears and shoulder when suddenly something other than Sephiroth’s fingers unceremoniously entered him.

Cloud’s desperate cry was once again muffled by Sephiroth’s hand covering his mouth. His body turned entirely stiff, then entirely limp and then he felt the world melt away into a soft, comforting blackness.

“No. Stay awake.” Sephiroth commanded quietly and gave Cloud’s nipple a hard, sobering pinch that made Cloud jolt with surprise.

“So, Cloud. What is today’s most important lesson?” Sephiroth asked before biting into Cloud’s neck, drawing a quivering moan that moved along the border of both pain and pleasure.

“Seph…. Sephiroth…” Cloud breathed.

“Mmm?” Sephiroth hummed with a smug smile.

“Please… more…” Cloud whispered, as if leaving the tone out of his voice would lessen the implications of him begging. 

“That is not an answer, soldier” Sephiroth chuckled and once again closed his hand painfully hard around the base of Cloud’s cock.

A new wave of poorly restrained sobs and whimpers escaped from Cloud. Sephiroth slowly lowered Cloud to his hands and knees in front of him so that he could thrust into him from behind.

“What” -thrust-  
“Have” -thrust-   
“You” -thrust-   
“Learned?” -thrust-

Cloud’s mind was racing. Gods, Sephiroth was kneeling behind him! Cloud had never seen him kneel. Could this mighty creature really kneel? Unexpectedly, Cloud’s fascination at having Sephiroth on his knees overtook his own humiliation and he twisted around to see it with his own eyes.

“Well?” Sephiroth asked again as their eyes locked in a suddenly quiet moment.

“I… I want to be yours.” Cloud said hesitantly. The words had to travel far through his hazy mind, through the expectations of a normal training session, through all his ideas about Sephiroth, through the violation of his personal integrity as well as his body... As soon as he said it he realised how deeply he meant it. He’d wanted it since he was a child, hadn’t he? He just hadn’t known to want it like this.

“No, I’m already yours.” Cloud corrected himself, sounding more confident.

Cloud felt his chest being lifted and pressed into Sephiroth’s, and he gasped in surprise of the intimate move. With a refreshing clarity in his mind, he reached back to braid his hands into Sephiroth’s hair and twisted his upper body to pull Sephiroth into a deep kiss. Pleasure washed over him as their tongues intermingled. Sephiroth’s mouth was nothing short of exquisite. Colder than expected, but the taste was sweet, almost like flowers, and Cloud felt like he was going to burst into flames as Sephiroth’s thrusts turned harder.

“You…” Cloud marvelled breathlessly as he tore himself from the kiss, his chest heaving. He placed his hand on top of Sephiroth’s and guided it to his stomach where he pressed down hard as if to point out to Sephiroth how much he could feel him inside. He could hear Sephiroth’s pleased groan before he felt Sephiroth bite down hard on his neck again. He could feel Sephiroth swelling before he was pounded harder. He heard himself cry out, this time not from humiliation, but from sheer ecstasy.

“Have me!” Cloud offered, increasingly losing himself. “Fuck me!”

Sephiroth, no doubt responding to Cloud’s offering, purposefully tightened his embrace as if wanting to break their bodies into each other.

“Open your mouth,” Sephiroth commanded, tugging off his gloves with his teeth. 

Cloud obediently parted his lips and greedily welcomed Sephiroth’s invading fingers with his tongue.

“I’m going to fill you up now.” Sephiroth informed him coldly. “Touch yourself,” he commanded, before replacing his fingers with his tongue.

Cloud hurried to finally stroke himself just the way he liked before Sephiroth unleashed a flurry of brutal thrusts that immediately pushed him over the edge. The orgasm was nothing short of explosive and his wanton cries were muffled in the kiss. His body twitched violently but was held firmly by Sephiroth’s tireless arms. Cloud tore away from the kiss still whimpering, his body growing quickly sensitive, but Sephiroth kept entering him over and over, relentlessly.

“Stop… I can’t… It hurts!” Cloud pleaded as his cries turned to those of pain again.

“You can.” Sephiroth replied coldly. He pressed down on Cloud’s stomach again where his cock was still ramming into soft flesh, causing Cloud to yell out in pain.

“Sssh, or you will have an audience.” Sephiroth warned with a mocking tone, smiling at the thought of someone walking in.

Cloud bit down on his lip so hard that it cracked and tinted his lips with a thin streak of red in an effort to quiet himself. Sephiroth noticed and greedily closed his mouth around Cloud’s lips, sucking and prodding at the crack with his tongue, teasing for more blood. A fresh stream of tears trickled down over Cloud’s cheeks, and Sephiroth lapped at them savagely too.

“Your crying face, it elates me,” Sephiroth murmured and let go of Cloud, so that his torso listlessly fell to the ground.

“Something is wrong…” Cloud hissed, sounding terrified before he covered his mouth with his own folded arms to stop himself from screaming.

Sephiroth held Cloud steadily on his knees with one hand and raised his other hand to land open-handed blows on Cloud’s backside in time with his thrusting. The impact sent shockwaves through Cloud’s body and Cloud could feel Sephiroth grow impossibly hard before the last few violent thrusts. Then he could feel searing streams of liquid being shot into him that seemed to burn his insides as if it were acid. Cloud felt something inside him break and he wet himself with some unknown fluid that quickly seemed to paint the whole world in white flames just before he passed out. He came to only moments later, finding himself nestled in Sephiroth’s arms. 

“Noo….” he pleaded in a broken voice as he tried to stop Sephiroth from pulling out. “It will leak...” He opened his eyes and was met by a surprisingly soft expression.

“It will,” Sephiroth confirmed, clearly amused. He pulled out as unceremoniously as he’d entered.

Cloud clenched up and tried to stop the warm white fluid from coming out with his hand while struggling to wake fully. He wondered in horror how many bodily fluids Sephiroth had experienced to be this unconcerned with them. Which bodily fluids—.

Sephiroth chuckled softly, seeming to delight in Cloud’s embarrassment. He pushed Cloud’s hand away and slipped two fingers inside to spread the hole open, making the sperm overflow and drain down onto his hand.

Cloud buried his burning face in Sephiroth’s chest and groaned with shame. Sephiroth used his sullied hand to lift Cloud’s face.

“Clean it,” he commanded, perfectly collected as he locked Cloud’s gaze with his own.

Cloud hesitated a moment but then timidly licked Sephiroth’s hand with the tip of his tongue. Inconceivably, he found himself compelled to give Sephiroth what he wanted. Sephiroth’s eyes widened with lust and he shoved his fingers inside Cloud’s mouth, scraping the sperm off against his lips and teeth.

“You truly make me want to break you,” he said in a low voice brimming with indecipherable emotions as he bent down to kiss Cloud again. He let his hands nestle firmly in Cloud’s damp hair while urgently kissing sore lips and tear-stained cheeks.

Cloud sighed in contentedness at having pleased Sephiroth, ignoring the alarming statement he just heard, and returned the embrace before his eyelids fell closed, heavy with exhaustion.

Sephiroth carefully wrapped Cloud in his leather coat and started walking to his own apartment. He had no idea about where Cloud’s room would be. It was late anyway, and the chances of them being noticed were low in the small hours of the morning.

Cloud drifted in and out of sleep as Sephiroth gently bathed and washed him. He could feel his body humming pleasantly with Sephiroth’s touch and stirring in discomfort every time he was let go of. Finally he was tucked naked, into a large, unfamiliar, yet comfortable bed.

Sephiroth sat a moment on the edge of his bed staring at the blond. This was not exactly what he’d had in mind. He then rose to walk out but was yanked back by a pull to his belts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was inspired by my favourite FF7 doujinshi author Fujiwara Beni [aka KIKI], but they are always too short! Finally I broke down and made a way to "make it longer". The particular DJ that inspired chapter 1 is called 'monster'. It turned out that once I started I couldn't stop, so now it's quite the ride.


	2. C/S: Homage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud feels the need to re-take control of the situation and initiates round two with Sephiroth.
> 
> Fisting, breath play by fellatio, some nice cum-play. The interaction is consensual, but there are obvious power-differences at play here, so let's call it dubious consent, shall we? Cloud get's quite into it though. So does seph. >:)

“Please stay” Cloud begged drowsily. 

Cloud blinked in the warm dimmed lights. The lights in the Shin-Ra building couldn’t be turned off entirely, in case of emergencies. He was grateful for them now, able to see Sephiroth’s face clearly.

“Please, just this once stay with me.” he repeated, a little more clear-headed.

Sephiroth hesitated and searched for Cloud’s reasoning in his face. The intoxicating mucus was all washed off, and the effects of the sweet breath must be long gone. Why would Cloud want him to stay? Cloud looked very determined for someone who had just been ruthlessly fucked until passed out, but he pulled Sephiroth back to the bed with surprising strength.

“I… enjoyed my lesson. Let me express my gratitude.” Sephiroth raised a brow in surprise at Cloud’s simple earnestness. 

Sephiroth had never felt gratitude after a ‘difficult lesson’ received from Shin-Ra, only resentment. Cloud took a chance and pushed Sephiroth down to slowly and carefully peel off Sephiroth’s clothes. He kept a close watch on Sephiroth’s in order to notice any changes in his mood, but there were none.

Sephiroth’s face looked calm, but not entirely blank. There was a hint of caution, but also that deep, burning intensity that so easily transfixed those around him. But Cloud wasn’t transfixed, and he bent down to kiss and caress the newly unwrapped skin. His eyes were brimming with adoration and childish enthusiasm as if he’d just unwrapped a most magical, unexpected gift. How often had he wondered about this body as a child? How often had he studied Sephiroth’s image, his clothes, his gear, and wondered how the body underneath it all would have to be like, to be able to convey such perfection, even when covered up? Now he knew, and he seemed bent on giving homage.

He understood Sephiroth’s earlier remark about skin because the flawlessness below him was interrupted by scars everywhere. Cloud pensively traced the scars with his fingertips, kissing them occasionally, and when he seemed content, he gently lay himself on top of Sephiroth and tenderly kissed his mouth again. Sephiroth chuckled softly and thought about the women who’d thrown themselves at him and touched him in a similar way. Still there was something different about this. What was it? What was it about Cloud?

Cloud planted kisses all over Sephiroth’s face, eyes, eyebrows, nose and before straying to Sephiroth’s lips. He let the kiss deepen, coaxed the lips open so that he could play with Sephiroth’s tongue. Sephiroth just let him, watching Cloud as if he was a playful kitten. Cloud rhythmically pushed his body over Sephiroth to make broad, heavy caresses. He let his cock playfully glide over Sephiroth’s taught muscles, the angular bones of his hips, the mounds of his knees and over Sephiroth’s own half-hard length.

“Are you a soldier in training or a cat in heat?!” Sephiroth laughed a rare, unforced laughter as Cloud grabbed their cocks together and stroked them up and down with his hands while looking defiantly into Sephiroth’s eyes.

It seemed Cloud had forgotten his self-awareness, just continuing on, quietly moaning and humming with eyes closed and head lightly rolled back. He could feel Sephiroth hardening underneath him.

“I want to please you.” Cloud said eagerly before he dove down to eagerly wrap his mouth around Sephiroth.

His tongue played for the base of Sephiroth’s cock and his hand played in silver hair above and the balls below.

“Where on Gaia did this boldness come from all of a sudden?” Sephiroth mused as he grabbed the back of Cloud's head and guided him further down.

Cloud obediently followed. Soon Sephiroth was fully erect, obviously falling into this ‘silly’ mood of Cloud’s.

“Relax your throat more” Sephiroth instructed and forcefully tried to push himself deeper, but Cloud instantly gagged and pulled away coughing. He looked pleadingly at Sephiroth quietly asking for guidance as tears from the strain were streaming across his pretty face.

Sephiroth chuckled at this exquisite view and beckoned for Cloud to lie down on his back while propping his torso up on a pile of pillows. He climbed on top of Cloud and kissed him deeply while stroking his neck.

“Relax your lips” he instructed and continued to kiss Cloud.

“Now your tongue.” he urged before teasingly bit down on Cloud’s wet muscle.

Cloud moaned and twisted his lower body to rub himself greedily on Sephiroth’s thigh.

“Now your neck” Sephiroth stroked Cloud’s neck invokingly between kisses.

“Try again.” he said as he lowered himself into Clouds mouth from above.

Cloud revelled in the sensation of having his mouth filled with the kneeling godlike being over him. Cloud’s hands travelled over Sephiroth’s legs, balls and the cheeks of his ass. He fervently experienced Sephiroth’s body with his hands while his head filled with wet, lewd sounds.

It was easier now to accommodate Sephiroth. He focused on relaxing his throat, on being calm even when he couldn’t breathe, and on those white-hot surges that spread along his nerves, right down to his groin, when Sephiroth hit the back of his throat. Soon he could feel that aching pool of desire starting to form, and his hands strayed from Sephiroth’s body to his own. It felt incredibly good, completely different from when he had touched himself alone before, he thought as he started fingering and stroking himself in a matching pace. Of course, Sephiroth noticed, and thrust deep inside Clouds throats and stayed there.

“You sure are greedy for such an inexperienced little soldier.” he said in a low voice laced with poisonous sweetness, looking at Cloud who was panicking and raising his arms up to push Sephiroth away.

“I thought you trusted me?” Sephiroth feigned hurt and gave an extra nudge before pulling out and letting Cloud breathe again.

“Again.” Sephiroth warned crudely and thrust himself back into that warm, tight wetness.

Clouds body jolted in response, but he didn’t try to push Sephiroth out. This play went on for a little while, and Sephiroth grew harder and more swollen with each thrust. Cloud grew short of breath, in time with his arousal.

“Tighten up your throat Cloud, like when you swallow. If you bite I will cut your sword arm off.” Sephiroth blurted without a hint of mercy.

Cloud tried his best to do as he was told, and he could hear a low growl escaping Sephiroth.

“Again!” Sephiroth said in a husky voice and pushed himself deeper still.

Eager to please, Cloud surprised himself by grabbing Sephiroth’s incredibly gorgeous ass and pulling him deeper. Sephiroth let out another low groan.

“Keep your mouth open” he said as he pulled out again.

Cloud kept his throbbing lips parted, panting and coughing, staring at the inhuman beauty stroking himself before him. To him, Sephiroth embodied perfection. His pale silver hair, only the slightest bit messy, the glistening muscles alluringly defined in soft light as they moved when he touched himself, his beautiful cock, red, swollen and wet… Cloud’s fingers quickly found his own opening again as he longed to be filled by this unearthly beauty.

“Don’t swallow, or you’ll get poisoned by the mako.” Sephiroth warned as he eased himself into position and dispassionately shot his load on Clouds messy face.

There was so much cum. It filled Clouds mouth, wet his hair, covering his lips, dripping down uncomfortably onto his chest... Cloud started to blink furiously and finally shut his eyes tight and focused on not to swallow. He could hear the rustling as Sephiroth shifted above him, and then he felt Sephiroth’s tongue carefully licking his eyes clean of his own sperm. Cloud produced gurgling sounds in surprise and thrust his fingers into himself more intensely, harnessing the sensation.

“Oh, you like that?” Sephiroth chuckled and continued his licking at Clouds parted and cum-coated lips.

Cloud carefully opened his eyes to find Sephiroth’s burning gaze. He was now lying beside Cloud, his head propped on his hand, and the other hand finding Cloud’s mouth. Sephiroth started to play around with the sticky sperm spreading it around on Clouds face and chest, tasting it playfully from his own fingers while Cloud watched completely entranced. 

“Like this?” he taunted as he started to stroke Cloud up and down with a slick hand covered with his own cum.

Cloud’s eyes widened in fear and he shook his head in surprise, trying hard not to swallow.

“Don’t.” Sephiroth threatened, eyes turning dark in a flash.

Cloud helplessly tried to stay as still as possible while breathing laboriously through his nose. Fortunately, Sephiroth seemed to take pity quickly and placed a cupped hand in front of him.

“You may spit.” he said, and Cloud obediently pushed the sperm out of his mouth.

“Good soldier.” Sephiroth murmured as he leaned in to kiss away the dripping semen from Clouds mouth.

Cloud immediately threw his arms around Sephiroth’s neck and let his body push up against him, kissing, licking and tasting the god of sex before him.

“Oh my..!” Sephiroth chuckled as he pushed his student down and positioned himself between Clouds legs.

“I’m sorry I scraped you out so thoroughly in the bath. I didn’t expect a second round.” he apologized in a way that didn’t disclose whether he was joking or not while smearing semen over Cloud’s opening.

Clouds eyes grew wide in anticipation. Sephiroth threw a soft, plump pillow at Clouds face. 

“Here, for your screaming” he said before he pushed two fingers inside Cloud.

Cloud was quick to press the pillow hard against his face while he cried from pleasure at being entered again.

“Little wanton soldier slut! I wish Zackary could see.” Sephiroth teased before he bent down to take Cloud in his mouth.

Cloud though his head would explode, making a furious effort not to writhe too much. He cried into the pillow from relief, from fulfilment, from the feeling of being full, from the pressure of being stretched, from wanting this so much that it hurt, from a million different feelings at once. Sephiroth was sucking him teasingly, generously, patiently and he never wanted it to end.

“Please more…. Please…” he begged, cautiously moving the pillow so that he could watch Sephiroth.

“Like this?” Sephiroth asked mockingly and inserted another finger.

“Aaaah no…” Cloud’s chest was heaving, holding back his cries, but he couldn’t tear his eyes from the sight of Sephiroth taking him in his mouth.

“No? Like this?” Sephiroth paused to ask, and then increased the pace of the finger fucking while at the same time stroking him roughtly, bordering on painfully, with his other hand.

“Noo… No no no…” Cloud whimpered.

Sephiroth laughed and teased the entrance of Cloud’s cock with his tongue as if to pry the whole open. Cloud groaned in equal parts pleasure and frustration.

“More” he begged.

“Mhmm? Careful what you ask for...” he cautioned. He then started to suck Cloud in a purely pleasurable manner again, but also started to spread his fingers slowly inside, working a fourth finger into Cloud, stretching him wider.

“What…?” Cloud’s scalp prickled in dull alarm within the added pressure.

“You..?” Cloud was unable to complete any sentences, but he arranged more pillows behind his neck so that he could more easily relax his body while still watching Sephiroth. The eyes he met were brimming hot with the promise of endless pleasure. Cloud pulled a sharp breath. It was the most exhilarating sight he’d ever seen in his life. Tears welled up and spilled onto Clouds cheeks and he didn’t hesitate when he mouthed another silent “more” to his partner in bed.

For the first time Sephiroth averted his eyes but continued sucking and licking at a steady pace and let his thumb tease Cloud’s entrance before it too, was slowly eased inside. Cloud moaned into the pillow and pushed himself down onto Sephiroth’s hand, eager to submit to the sensation of being filled up.

Sephiroth halted all movements “Easy Cloud, a broken slut makes a bad soldier”.

“No…” Cloud wailed.

“Yes!” Sephiroth said and planted a chaste kiss on the tip of Clouds cock which made Cloud’s hips bow off the bed.

“Again” Cloud begged, and received another kiss, wetter and more lingering.

“Oh. My. Gods. Fuck me harder or I will scream at the top of my lungs.” Cloud snapped, feeling as if he was really going to lose it. 

Sephiroth laughed again, relaxed and confident.

“You’re too easy. Really…” and he lowered his mouth indulgantly over Clouds cock, tongue first. Cloud sank back into his pillows and gently thrust his hips to meet Sephiroth’s rhythm. Cloud thought of Sephiroth’s hands. They were large, but narrow, fingers long and slim... Cloud raised himself onto his elbows, demanding attention, gesturing after Sephiroth’s less occupied hand to hold it and study it, as if to better understand what he had inside of him.

“You want to see?” Sephiroth asked as he looked up at Cloud.

Cloud nodded and raised himself higher. He couldn’t see it all, but clearly a great deal was inside. It seemed surreal, and if he didn’t feel it so much, he wouldn’t have believed it.

“Mmmm I can feel you twitching Cloud” Sephiroth purred as Cloud started to kiss and lick the hand he was holding.

“It’s just up to the knuckles.” Sephiroth murmured.

Cloud grabbed Sephiroth’s hair to pull him into a kiss. 

“Aah yes, but don’t forget this” Sephiroth said and guided Clouds hand to himself.

“I like to feel you twitch you see.” he spoke into Clouds mouth wile kissing him.

“Nnnn.. not enough...” Cloud begged.

“Are you sure? You’re very tight.” Sephiroth cautioned and made an attempt to spread his fingers inside to prove his point.

Cloud shrieked loudly but stroked himself more intensely.

“I’m sure… Sephiroth… give me more.”

“As you wish, my little soldier slut…” Sephiroth lowered himself between Cloud’s legs, this time to lick the join between his hands and Cloud’s opening. 

When his hand was slobbering wet, he shifted Cloud to lie diagonally across his lap and placed one of Clouds legs against his shoulder while the other fell to the side. He had a beautiful view of Cloud spread open for him, a comfortable angle and he could see Clouds face very clearly. He caressed Clouds face with his free hand, his thumb caressing swollen lips as he started to move his hand. It made Cloud’s entire body rock gently.

Cloud gave a loud, pretty moan, having forgotten the pillow entirely. So often had Sephiroth been on Clouds mind, and now he was filling up his entire body too. Even though he never imagined it, he wondered why not. What a fucking waste of imagination he thought as he bit his hand and stroked his cock with the other. 

When he started to stoke too eagerly Sephiroth firmly pried his hand away as he whispered, “Not yet, little soldier slut.” as he interlaced their fingers together.

Cloud groaned in complaint. As his body sank slowly back into the bed Sephiroth placed Clouds hand back on his cock. 

“You’re doing so well, soldier.” Sephiroth encouraged, picking up the force of his movements. 

“We’re past the knuckles now.” Sephiroth purred sweetly, seeming completely engrossed in what he was doing.

Sephiroth guided one of Clouds fingers along the rim of his opening. Cloud gasped and pressed down hard on his own stomach, above the hand inside him.

“So greedy!” Sephiroth chuckled and playfully nibbled at Clouds leg and pinching his nipple.

Cloud lost it and started writing and pushing himself down on Sephiroth’s hand.

“Still” Sephiroth immediately commanded with a chilling voice.

Cloud froze up everywhere except his insides that kept twitching like mad.

“You’d be wiser to play dead.” he warmed while he eased Cloud down from his lap.

Cloud pressed down on his stomach as if to keep himself still. Sephiroth placed both of Clouds legs on his shoulders and proceeded to stroke Cloud himself, while finally letting his hand form into a fist.

“Do you feel this?” He took Cloud’s hand and placed it where his hand entered.

“I’m up to my wrist, little soldier slut.” Sephiroth was shamelessly gloating, feral eyes sparkling.

Cloud wailed softly, tears of need, desire and bliss were streaming down Clouds face.

“Please… please fuck me…” he begged.

Something snapped in Sephiroth and he let up a groan deep from within his chest when he began moving his hand forcefully, fighting himself to hold back, knowing fully that he could split Cloud open as easily as breaking a matchstick. The movements seemed ever so small to him but judging from Cloud’s reactions they were thoroughly felt. Memories of warm moist bodies flashed in Sephiroth’s mind, reminding him that bodies could be warm and slippery in different ways, broken, twisted, cracked open and oozing red stickiness.

He knew it was abnormal to think of this now, but a part of him wanted to spread his hand open and impale himself a thousand times in the bloody hot mess to the sound of Cloud’s endless screaming, but of course, he didn’t. He was used to keeping his monstrous impulses locked away tightly. Besides, it had been a very long time since he fucked someone who wasn’t afraid of him. In fact, he wasn’t sure he ever had to this extent. It was certainly… entertaining. He hadn’t laughed so much in years.

Cloud glanced at Sephiroth through a stream of tears. Sephiroth looked focused and sad, as if he was performing some unbearably difficult task. Another thing Cloud had never expected to see. New feelings of tenderness heightened his arousal as he silently gave himself to Sephiroth.

“I’m so close…” Cloud said breathlessly.

Sephiroth moved his fist quicker and he could feel Clouds cock swell and his balls twitching. This time he followed Cloud, amplifying the build-up until Cloud splendidly came with his entire body tensing up with a silent scream. Cloud’s cum shot up and landed on his chest, in Sephiroth’s hair, and even his own face. The moment dragged on until he slowly could relax and start breathing again. Sephiroth smirked and pressed Clouds legs closer to his chest, scraping his teeth against them lightly as Cloud was sinking down into the bed. With his free hand he caressed Clouds body, making a new mess with the cum as Cloud turned boneless.

“Kiss me.” Cloud asked bluntly and reached for Sephiroth again.

Still with his fist inside, Sephiroth kissed Cloud deeply. The kiss was naked, and sober. Cloud thought he had never felt so content before, and immediately wondered if he ever would again. He closed his eyes to hide his embarrassment at his greedy, selfish, childish thoughts.

“Cloud?” Sephiroth was caressing Cloud who blissfully leaned into his hand.

“Cloud?”

Cloud gave a distant hum as a reply.

“I have to take my fist out of your rectum now” Sephiroth knowingly chose the most chocking words to shake the recent virgin.

The vulgarity of the words hit Cloud like a slap in the face, and he opened his eyes in horror, jerked back to the reality of what he was doing and with whom.

“Oh…” Cloud’s eyes were flickering around the room, not knowing what to do. 

“Embarrassed again, my little soldier slut?”

Clouds face turned a deep red, secretly rejoicing at being called so possessively. Sephiroth moistened Clouds entrance with cum and saliva.

“Inhale deeply and breathe out slowly” he instructed.

Cloud tried to do as he was told, but his self-consciousness was back with a vengeance which made him very tense.

“Well, that won’t do at all.”

Sephiroth leaned down for a kiss, gentle and slow. Cloud felt himself get swept away in awe by this unearthly man once more. Sephiroth pulled away and said in a calm and commanding voice to relax. This time things went better, and he slowly began to withdraw. Once his knuckles were out, he beckoned Cloud to join watch. A little moan escaped as Cloud stared at the obscenity of his own body, and Sephiroth couldn’t resist kissing the softly parted lips again. He resisted the urge to bite down on the lips to tear them open, to transform the moan into a scream.

A part of him wanted to punish Cloud furiously for this unplanned interaction, and for making him lower his guard, which would definitely be an issue if it became a habit. He comforted himself by focusing on the taste of blood from Cloud’s cracked lips, and he lazily let the kiss drag on while lowered himself onto the bed. He could always punish his troublesome student another day…

Light was filtered through the curtains, tinting blond hair golden with morning sunshine. The night was over, Sephiroth took note, as he shut his eyes and drifted off to sleep to the calm and regular breathing of Cloud who had fallen asleep in his arms in minutes. He smiled and thought the blond would never do well in SOLDIER if he allowed himself to be so unguarded with strangers. Sephiroth’s smile faded when he thought he’d certainly not managed to get that lesson across. He sighed and let his head fall into the most expensive pillows Midgar had to offer.

Cloud woke up alone and disoriented in an unfamiliar room. He blinked sleepily and looked around to find a bedside table, some drawers and an in-built wardrobe. The furniture was simple but elegant, beautifully crafted. Definitely above-the-plate-stuff. A window with thin curtains was slightly ajar, midday light was streaming in. They must be quite high up in the Shin-Ra building he reflected.

He stretched out yawning and enjoying the feeling of the sheets against his naked skin. His hands brushed over something coarse and at closer investigation he realised it was dried body fluids. In fact, the stains were everywhere, especially on himself. Eyes widening, he turned a deep shade of red as the memories of last night flooded his head. He looked around for his clothes but found none, leaving him no option but to wrap himself in the fluffy, luxurious duvet before carefully stepping into the next room.

The door opened into a living room and kitchen combined. It was small but pleasant. A thick and elegantly patterned carpet covered the intricately patterned wooden floor. There was a welcoming blue velvet sofa in front of a tv and against a wall a large desk where Sephiroth sat bent over paperwork. He was wearing a low-cut, long sleeved dark blue top, exposing his exquisite collar bones and hinted at the muscles of his chest over SOLDIER-issued uniform trousers. Cloud felt himself staring like an idiot.

“I laid out a towel and my old third class SOLDIER uniform in the bathroom. Help yourself.” Sephiroth said without looking up.

Cloud froze for a second, blinked and hurried into the bathroom before remembering to breathe. He locked the door for mental security and then delighted at the chance of exploring his childhood hero’s bathroom. The bathroom was larger than he expected, containing a large tub, a sink with a golden-framed mirror, some potted plants, a toilet and an extra stool with the uniform neatly folded on top.

How much time did Sephiroth spend in his bathroom, to warrant such luxury?! He stepped into the meticulously clean tub and sat down with the running shower hose, a little too worn to stand up, but too tense to take a proper bath. His body was sore but not painful. Had he been healed in his sleep? He couldn’t tell.

The soaps were lavishly scented, and he enjoyed thoroughly to lather himself up. The infantry troopers only had shared showers; he hadn’t washed himself alone since he left Nibelheim. After drying himself with the thick, lush towel he opened the sink cabinets. It hid beautiful crystal bottles with various liquids, and Cloud opened a few to smell them. Finding one that seemed like perfume he boldly dashed a little behind his ears, wanting to mark himself with Sephiroth’s smell, just this once, in case he never had the chance to return.

Then he stepped into the handed down uniform. It looked nearly unworn. It fit quite well but bunched up a little as Sephiroth was taller. He felt himself shivering excitedly at the thought of wearing Sephiroth’s clothes. He removed the duvet-cover and put it in the laundry basket, resisting the urge to peek inside, and then stepped back into the living room.

This time Sephiroth looked up, and Cloud could feel the prickling sensation of being eyed up and down.

“Very good. You may keep it if you like. You are taking the SOLDIER entrance-exams in a few weeks, aren’t you?” Sephiroth said as he walked over to the kitchen sink and poured a glass of water which he offered to Cloud.

Cloud nodded and drank in silence. This was all very strange.

“Well then, I really must get back to work.” Sephiroth said and gestured towards the door.

Cloud briefly felt a hand on the small of his back as he walked across the room and goose bumps rose all over his skin. Sephiroth stood uncomfortably close as Cloud fidgeted with his shoes. Sephiroth opened the door but didn’t step out of the way making Cloud walk right into him. Cloud could feel the body heat radiating from Sephiroth, staring into the soft neckline that begged for attention, his eyes wide and face burning. Sephiroth lifted Cloud’s chin with a cool hand.

“I can tell you enjoyed my bathroom.” he said, clearly amused.

“I-” Cloud jumped at trying to explain the perfume but was interrupted.

“I’ll text you to schedule our next training session. Make sure to do well in your exams. You wouldn’t want to disappoint Zackary, would you?” Sephiroth said while holding Cloud’s gaze firmly.

“No sir.” Cloud said without hesitation while his heart was pounding like a drum against his chest. He knew he wasn’t really replying to a question about Zack or the exams, but a question about him being all right to resume his private tutoring sessions.

“Very good.” Sephiroth said while producing a small tub of ointment from his pocket. 

He put some on his thumb which he then applied to Cloud’s lips. The act wasn’t suggestive in itself, but the intimacy of it was. Cloud swayed unsteadily where he stood, eyes glazed over when Sephiroth finally stepped aside. Cloud walked as in a daze through the bustling corridors back to the infantry quarters. Back in his room he was greeted cheerfully by Jax, his roommate.

“Busy Friday night?” he asked.

“Yeah….” Cloud answered absent-mindedly.

“Where were you? Some guy came and dropped your stuff off, waking me up early in the morning! Why the hell are you wearing a SOLDIER uniform?”

“Oh!” Cloud saw his gear from yesterday dry-cleaned and neatly folded up on his bed.

“Special training.” he awkwardly mumbled.

“Training in ‘how-to pick-up girls in stolen uniforms’?!” Jax laughed.

“Well… Something like that.” Cloud could feel himself blush, grateful that he was spared with the trouble of coming up with a better explanation himself. 

Tired he flopped down on his bed, hiding his face in his hands and started to digest last night, unwilling to take Sephiroth’s uniform off and get on with his weekend as usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this story took on a life of it's own quicker than I expected. Expect more to come.  
> Feedback always appreciated, and suggestions always enjoyed!


	3. P: A new SOLDIER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Much plot, less smut. Cloud makes SOLDIER, Sephiroth teases Cloud at celebration dinner. Some character development.

The days moved on as if nothing happened. He often saw Zack for lunches and dinners, chatting away about his upcoming SOLDIER entry-exams. 

The biggest change for Cloud had come at nights. When he laid alone in bed, he spent a significant amount of time to comb the memories of having sex with Sephiroth. They always made him feel conflicted, but they also overwhelmed him with desire.

He tried to imagine other things, cute girls at the theatre district, girls from pin-up cards depicting girls from Honeybee inn, girls in books, movies and games, but nothing came even close to excite him as the thoughts of Sephiroth.

He repurposed his childhood fantasies of spending time with his childhood hero into lewd adult encounters, using the gifted SOLDIER-uniform as a masturbation prop when Jax was out against his better judgement. He even went so far as to find the same perfume Sephiroth was using. He could only buy a tiny sample bottle which cost him two week’s gil, but he wasn’t a big spender on other things, so he indulged himself. Somehow, he knew he was playing with fire by not putting the encounter behind him, but he just didn’t want to stop.

One more training session was scheduled with Sephiroth and passed disappointingly uneventfully. He could feel the gravitational pull Sephiroth had on him in a way that made him feel silly and needy, though he did his best to hide it. He constantly went over possible ways to open a more personal conversation with his instructing childhood hero again, but he never saw an opening, and definitely didn’t want to make one by overstepping… boundaries? He felt like laughing out loud at the thought, fully aware that that ship of keeping boundaries had sailed. Maybe it returned to harbour then, he thought and rolled eyes at himself.

His exams came up and he passed them with flying colours. He was a diligent student, fully aware that his body wasn’t the physically strongest among applicants, and his constitution had a few flaws, so it was a relief to find out his studies had managed to compensate. Friday the week of the results a celebratory dinner was going to be held in the ceremonial hall with all the high-ups of Shin-Ra, and all of the new and old SOLDIER-members.

Cloud was nervous, fidgeting around while waiting for Zack to come and pick him up. He’d asked for it, never having been to a formal gathering before. He’d jumped the opportunity to wear the gifted SOLDIER-uniform again, and he’d splashed himself lightly with the same perfume Sephiroth owned. He knew Sephiroth was going to be there. Jax had made fun of him all evening for being fussing around with preparations, and Cloud nearly jumped out of his skin when Zack finally knocked on the door.

Zack was as cheerful as ever, putting his hands on Cloud’s shoulders, congratulating him once more, and reassured him kindly about the dinner.

“Just one more thing before we go!” Zack said as he produced a flask from some hidden pocket. “Something to get you started!”.

Zack shoved the flask at Cloud, who took a large swig, feeling the alcohol burning its way to his stomach before coughing. They sat on Cloud’s bed, chatting away, and Zack seemed genuinely very happy for Cloud, laughing and touching him casually and often. Zack drank another mouthful and passed the last of it to Cloud. When Cloud took it from their hands he thought he saw something unfamiliar in Zack’s face, but it was gone before he was sure he’d seen it. The bottle was emptied between them, and off they went with Zack casually dragging Cloud under his arm.

The ceremonial hall was magnificent. An intricate wooden floor, large rows of tables were set, a stage with a string quartet, red velvet drapes, soft warm lighting from crystal chandeliers and fresh flowers to offset the shining porcelain on every table.

“Don’t worry, I made sure you’ll sit with me.” Zack reassured Cloud, who shrank under the imposing grandeur.

For better and worse, this meant that Cloud was the only third class who was seated amongst the firsts. In fact, he was placed between Zack and Sephiroth. Timekeeping was not Zack’s strongest suit so they’d arrived just a few minutes before the opening speech. Sephiroth rose from his chair to pull out the chair from Cloud who was dumbstruck and stumbled into his chair. Zack shot a warning glance to Sephiroth as to caution him not to tease too much.

Lazarous stepped to the microphone and started talking. Cloud turned to watch the stage politely, away from Sephiroth. The back of his neck was burning as he couldn’t help but wonder if Sephiroth was looking at him. Damn that Zack for being overly helpful, he thought, swaying lightly from the alcohol they’d had before. Cloud had absolutely no idea what had been said when the hall erupted into applause, and waiters started serving the food.

Zack enthusiastically introduced Cloud to Angeal and Genesis who were sitting across from them. They started chatting away, asking Cloud polite questions about the exams and of his hopes for the future. Sephiroth was by far the quietest, but he kept pouring Cloud’s drinks, leaning closer to Cloud reaching for the wine and pouring him water.

Zack noticed Cloud blushing at one point and just laughed and said “It’s your day today Cloud! Don’t worry!” he cheerfully said and raised his glass in a salute.

Cloud gradually relaxed and soon he was enjoying himself thoroughly, thankful that the others were kind enough to make him feel included. He and Angeal even exchanged some hearty banter about Zack! He was, however, getting more and more inebriated. He drank his wine far too quickly in a childish ploy to warrant attention from Sephiroth, always ready to pour him another glass. By the time desserts were cleared Cloud had noticed touching thighs once, silver hair tickled his face twice, they had a one-on-one toast once, and even brushed their hands accidentally against each other. At the end of the dinner Cloud was sitting smiling widely with his elbows on the tables, face in hands, just listening to the chatter around him.

“Are you going to be okay for a while?” Zack checked in with Cloud before running of to chat to Cissnei, receiving a happy hum for a reply.

People were starting to move around to form clusters of groups standing around tables with dessert-cocktails. Cloud figured he should go and introduce himself to the other third class SOLDIERs but knocked a glass of red wine over himself as he stood up.

“Oh my,” Sephiroth said “Let’s go and have that taken care of.” as he quickly stood up to support the swaying blonde.

Sephiroth nodded in apologies at the others and made way towards the washrooms with Cloud.

“You should have it altered.” he spoke in a low voice close to Cloud’s ear.

Cloud looked up, not following the remark as he dabbed at the wine with a serviette.

“The uniform.” Sephiroth chuckled.

“That’s a good idea!” he said and looked at Sephiroth with an unrestrained smile.

“Well well, aren’t you a happy little soldier ---?” he smirked.

Cloud face quickly grew attentive. Did he just imagine it? It was as if a syllable was missing, and the infliction was there. How often had he thought about it, the imagery of being called ‘my little soldier slut’ when he touched himself? Too many to count, he thought as he hoped the flush of alcohol was hiding his now blushing face. Sephiroth smiled reservedly back at him.

The bathrooms were lavish enough to match the ceremonial hall. There was a sort of foyer with a wall covered with mirrors, bright, cushioned furniture and towels in baskets by the sinks before entering room with the actual toilets. Cloud was gently sat down on a plush sofa. Sephiroth started to unclasp the leather suspenders of Cloud’s uniform to be able to take the top off.

Cloud, slow to react bought himself time by asking wide-eyed “What are you doing?”.

“These stains need to be rinsed off, or do you want to stain your precious uniform on your first official day in SOLDIER?” he said matter-of-factly.

“Don’t worry, no one will question it. Accidents happen all the time. Arms up”.

Cloud nodded and raised his arms. He shivered as he felt Sephiroth brush his sides while pulling the top over his head. Gods, where was that x-zone magic when you needed it, intensely wishing to be teleported away to some unknown realm together with Sephiroth. His head was spinning, and he closed his eyes slumping back into the sofa, thinking on all the lewd things he would do…

“Cloud?” Sephiroth was back with the rinsed top, prepared to slip it back on.

Cloud sat up again and let himself get dressed, catching a whiff of Sephiroth’s scented shampoo.

“Now the pants.” Sephiroth had a smile dancing on the corners of his lips.

“What?” Cloud said in alarm.

“The pants. They’re also stained.”

Cloud looked down on himself and found it to be true. He also felt his growing erection which threatened to show through the folds of the fabric any second. He vigorously shook his head.

“I can’t take them off here.” 

“Why so? It’s the men’s room. It’s all the same, isn’t it?” Sephiroth had a look of pure innocence. Had he noticed all ready?

“It’s not the same!” Cloud protested and pushed his hands into his lap to hide his swelling member. Someone walked through the room behind Sephiroth.

“Why not?” Sephiroth’s voice was low and suggestive. He knew, and he was basking in it.

Cloud steadied himself as he leaned in and whispered, “I’m hard”.

“Ah yes… That would be difficult to explain I suppose.” Sephiroth looked utterly pleased. “So, what does Cloud Strife, third class SOLDIER, suggest to do now?”.

Cloud blushed at the sound of his name, spilling suggestively from too alluring lips. He stood up and walked to the sink himself. He wet a towel and started trying to rub and dab the stain off. Sephiroth positioned himself so that he could watch Cloud in the mirror. Even though Cloud used cold water, the rubbing only made it worse. He could see Sephiroth’s eyes turning dark, and a menacing smile forming on those beautiful lips. Within seconds Cloud was fully hard, panting helplessly in front of the mirror.

Sephiroth walked over as Cloud stood swaying. “Maybe it’s best to call it a night?” he whispered and let his lips brush against Cloud’s ear.

Cloud nodded in agreement, feeling how the room was spinning around him.

“Wait here, I’ll be right back.” Sephiroth hurried off with quickened steps.

Cloud slumped back into an armchair after ruling out a quick self-handjob in the toilet, persuaded thoroughly by the swaying floor underneath him. Sephiroth soon returned holding a large flat package that he threw into Cloud’s lap.

“Your diploma. You can carry it”.

Cloud sighed in relief as he stood up, just to immediately fall back down into the chair giggling.

“You really overdid it with the drinks you know?” Sephiroth scolded softly as he half pulled, half lifted Cloud out of the chair, taking a firm grip around Cloud’s waist so that the new third class soldier wouldn’t fall over again.

“I took the liberty to inform Zack about your little drinking adventure, so you don’t have to worry about letting him know. He looked quite busy with Cissnei.” Sephiroth offered in a light conversational tone.

“Thank you” Cloud said and leaned recklessly into Sephiroth as they started to make their way for the infantry quarters. Cloud remained blissfully unaware of the many curious and burning looks that followed them out through the celebration hall.

The alcohol was quickly rising to Clouds head and Sephiroth simply picked him up entirely in the elevator. Cloud dropped his diploma when placing his arms around Sephiroth neck and nestles his head into his chest.

“Really, this is a bit too much…” Sephiroth mumbled as he bent over to pick up the diploma while manoeuvring Cloud in his arms.

“Key.” Sephiroth said sternly to wake Cloud up. Cloud produced his key-card from his pocket without opening his eyes.

“Which bed is yours?” Sephiroth asked as he stepped in without taking his shoes off.

Cloud nodded to the right, hoping Jax was still out. He was laid on the bed and his boots were taken off for him. Sephiroth had sat himself momentarily at the edge of the bed. Cloud reached out and caught a lock of silver hair, combing through it with his fingers.

“Well-” Sephiroth started as he shifted his weight to rise but he was intrrupted by Cloud who had sat up.

“Can I see my diploma?” Cloud eagerly asked.

Sephiroth handed it over to the drunk blonde who tore the brown paper off the frame and stared proudly at his name in frilly letters surrounded by official looking borders and a large seal with the icon of SOLDIER in the middle.

“It’s my day today.” he said brimming with pride.

“So it is.” Sephiroth said with a tinge of sadness to his voice. “Enjoy it to the fullest Cloud.”

Cloud looked up at Sephiroth “You should celebrate me.” he said with absolute conviction, as if it was the most natural thing in the world he was asking for.

Sephiroth hid his mouth with his hand while he chuckled, eyes cast down. Cloud was just too funny.

“And pray how should I do that?”.

“Kiss me!” Cloud repositioned himself kneeling on the bed in front of Sephiroth.

Sephiroth looked at Cloud for a moment before leaning in to inhale deeply at the warm skin behind Cloud’s ear. He traced Clouds skin with his nose and lips before planting a slow, dry but tender kiss on Cloud’s cheek.

“This seems familiar” Sephiroth said his tone soft and low.

Cloud opened his eyes, visibly aroused and annoyed.

“No, I want a real kiss!” he pouted.

Sephiroth looked at Cloud again before shifting himself on the bed to square his body to Cloud’s. His lips were gently curved but his eyes seemed sad. Cloud was too drunk and preoccupied with being overjoyed to have Sephiroth alone in his room to notice. Sephiroth took off his gloves and put them neatly on the bed. Then he placed his hands on either side of Cloud’s face and leaned in to fulfil Cloud’s request. It was the kindest kiss he’d ever given. It was slow and careful, kissing Cloud’s parted lips one by one softly, before gently wetting them with his tongue. Cloud’s breath reeked of wine and something stronger, spicier, but he didn’t mind. That’s just how humans smelled from time to time.

Cloud hummed and leaned into the kiss, worming his arms around the most exquisite neck again and pressed himself unbridled against Sephiroth. Suddenly he felt his stomach turn and he quickly pushed himself away ran the three steps to throw himself onto the bathroom floor, heaving violently into the toilet bowl. Sephiroth pinched the bridge of his nose, not really surprised, but very far from impressed. Then he stood up and walked over to pat Cloud’s contorting body half-heartedly. Eventually the vomiting stopped, and Sephiroth helped rinse Cloud’s mouth, removed his dirty clothes and tucked him into bed. He considerately placed a waste bin next to the bed before he quietly left the room.

Cloud woke up Saturday noon, and as soon as he opened his eyes Jax was irritably chattering at him.

“Who the hell has dry-cleaning delivered at eight on a Saturday morning?! Who the hell does your dry-cleaning anyway?!” he pestered. “Make it stop.”

“I can’t Jax. I really can’t make it stop.” Cloud replied with a heavy groan and pulled the blanket over his head.

When he next put on Sephiroth’s handed down uniform he noticed it was altered for him. It fit perfectly now, Cloud remarked as he admired himself in the mirror, running his hands over the fabric, hoping Sephiroth would approve of the improvements.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments always welcome!


	4. P: Broader horizons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud starts mako-treatments and consults with Zack. Cloud tries "normal" sex.
> 
> A shorter plot interlude that may be skipped by smut-enthusiasts. Normal heterosexual sex just doesn't turn out as sexy, according to Cloud's POV. ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been betaed and improved a thousand fold by the lovely [Cate Sith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CateSith).

The following week was fully booked with informational classes about what joining the SOLDIER programme meant. After every class there were forms, forms and more forms to be signed. Non-disclosure agreements, confidentiality agreements and health waiver contracts. To be honest, Cloud was feeling overwhelmed. Though it had never been said plainly, he quickly caught on that there was no turning back once he was formaly part of the programme. Or once the mako injections started, if you preferred the biological perspective. The injections were going to be the biggest change for the coming years. The main goal of them was of course to make SOLDIERs stronger, but there were apparently other effects too. Emotional effects, and possible addiction or rather, the withdrawals… He wasn’t sure how to prepare for that. He tried asking Zack, but only got a vague reply that it was different for everyone. He didn’t run into Sephiroth anywhere, but his new schedule was so busy he hardly had time to notice.

His first appointment at Hojo’s laboratory went quite smoothly. He let himself get strapped into the hospital bed, trying not to think about why people needed to be strapped down. His IV was hooked up with the mako solution and he was left alone. The sensation when the foreign substance seeped into his body was alarming. It felt like his arm was injected with liquid ice which then turned into blazing fire. He started sweating furiously, which made his arm seem even colder in contrast. After a few hours someone came in, collected some additional data, and then he was free to leave. He thought the nurse looked at him with pity, but he couldn’t understand why. He felt alright, didn’t he?

That night after his first injection he had terrible dreams of violence, fighting, running and chasing vague but horrifying shadows. He kept waking up soaked in sweat, screaming and tangled in his blanket. He woke Jax up repeatedly, who thought Cloud was dying each time. Jax was thoroughly annoyed but it was only one more week until Cloud was going to move into his own private quarters. A privilege of being in the SOLDIER programme. Cloud dragged his frayed ass to combat training, and to his great surprise he could clearly feel the difference of one infusion. His muscles were responsive and tireless. In fact, the more he used them the better he felt. By the end of the session he felt on top of the world. He chatted animatedly with his classmates, many of whom shared his experience.

The second injection was worse. He could feel his heart pound in his chest and himself slipping into panic. Just when he thought he’d lose it, the IV was finished and he was free to leave. He felt unsteady and didn’t make it to his afternoon classes. The third session had him vomiting, and he couldn’t walk out by himself. Not knowing what else to do, he texted Zack and asked if he was around to come and pick him up. Zack had him waiting for a couple of hours, but time seemed to have a strange duality of being quick and slow at the same time, Cloud noticed, when he had to do his utmost not to throw up every second of it.

“I’m sorry to put you out,” Cloud groaned in the waiting room of the labs when Zack showed up.

“No worries, chocobo-butt!” he cheerfully replied. “You’ll recover in no time!”

Zack let Cloud climb onto his back and carried him piggyback to the elevators where they ran into Sephiroth, who also stood waiting for an elevator. Zack and Sephiroth shared a concerned look that replaced any other greetings.

“So, it’s started then?” Sephiroth asked Zack.

“Yep.” Zack replied gravely.

Cloud looked from one to the other when they stepped into the elevator. He’d never seen either of them so openly uneasy before. With Sephiroth it made sense. Why would there be photographs of him being concerned? Zack’s concern was way more alarming. What was it that had started exactly? His mako treatments? He felt his head spin and pressed his face into Zack’s black unruly hair to hide from the world. Zack smelled like sunshine. It did a good deal to settle him.

“See you later, Seph.” Zack said and stepping out into the Class 3 quarters.

“Mmm.” Sephiroth replied pensively.

Zack took Cloud to his own apartment and laid him in his bed.

“Can I get you anything? Water? Food? Are you hungry? he asked and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“No… I’m fine. Can you just stay for a while?” Cloud asked in a small voice.

“Sure”. Zack helped Cloud get out of his boots, then kicked off his own, leaving them in the middle of the doorway to the small bedroom. Cloud grabbed Zack’s wrist, as if to reassure himself that Zack couldn’t leave.

“Should I lie down with you for a while?” Zack asked carefully.

Cloud hesitated before nodding his head. Zack climbed into the bed and arranged himself to spoon Cloud.

“Is this ok?” Zack asked in a tender voice.

“Yeah,” Cloud paused, “I don’t feel so good.” Cloud whined in a small voice.

“I noticed!” Zack laughed quietly and carefully put his hand on Cloud’s shoulder.

“Feeling sick is bad, but it’s not the worst. The worst is…. I feel so much all of a sudden. I feel so, so angry when someone annoys me, and so very happy when something’s good. Like the other day in the cafeteria I had this really good cake, and I started crying from happiness,” Cloud said, groaning.

“Yeah… It happens.” Zack replied.

“Did it happen to you too?”

“Yeah.”

“And then there are these dreams…”

“Yeah. The dreams are fierce…” Zack said and moved his hand to stroke Cloud’s hair.

“And then…” Cloud hid his face in his hands, “I get so fucking horny. I don’t know what to do…”

Cloud turned his face and looked helplessly at Zack through his fingers.

“What did you do, you know, when you went through all this?” Cloud asked and thought about how much it meant to him that Zack didn’t ridicule him or anything, even though he knew he was being unusually whiney. Zack was somehow even more kind than usual.

“Well… You know how I’m a guy who likes pretty much everyone?” Zack’s voice was calm and soothing. “So, I just… liked everyone more…” He shrugged.

“Oh.” Cloud wasn’t sure exactly what that meant.

“Part of the mako treatments works by amplifying emotions. It makes us better fighters, but it amplifies all emotions indiscriminately. Some are affected more than others, that’s the theory anyway. You get used to it eventually, but the first years are tough... Really tough.” Zack sounded as if he was talking about someone else, someone other than himself.

“Oh…” Cloud started sobbing softly. Cloud felt he wasn’t prepared for these side effects. He worried that he wouldn’t be up for the task. For the first time, he was afraid he’d made a mistake joining SOLDIER.

“Shhh, you’ll be okay. I’m here. You’re not alone.” Zack stayed until he was sure Cloud had fallen asleep before quietly stepping into the living room.

Zack slumped in his cluttered, yellow living room sofa with a heavy sigh. He understood what Cloud felt. Most of the people in the programme he’d known had felt the same way, and some hadn’t been lucky enough to ‘make it’. Some had gotten quite unhinged from the injections and ended up doing things that— Zack couldn’t finish the thought. It was too uncomfortable with Cloud still on his mind. But it was too late to tell that to Cloud now, right? He was already admitted to the programme and he’d had his first injection. He didn’t know of a single person who’d gotten out of the programme at all. He’d just have to be there for Cloud. Not that he minded. In fact, the idea of looking after Cloud almost seemed a little too appealing.  
…

  
A few months had passed, and Cloud’s initial shock to the mako treatments had started to level out. Zack often checked in on Cloud whenever he wasn’t out on a mission, and their friendship grew closer. Cloud did well in training, and exceptionally well in magic. Sephiroth was no longer giving him private lessons, but he was Cloud’s instructor in magic and biochemistry class. Sephiroth seemed to keep his distance though, and Cloud did the same. Occasionally Cloud had to really force himself not to stare or let his thoughts stray during class, with a surprising amount of success.

Many of Cloud’s new classmates had to take periodical absences from training due to the mako treatments. Sometimes due to the treatments themselves, but perhaps more often because of the messes that followed their heightened emotional states. Relationships and families were broken up and Cloud began to understand why high-ranking members of SOLDIER seemed to stick together. Many seemed to lack a private life outside of Shin-Ra altogether. Cloud chose never to go back to Nibelheim, and to keep in touch with his mother solely by letters and the occasional phone call. 

The day came when Cloud was sent away to lead his first mission. It was only a routine check of the Mt. Corel mako reactor. He decided that it was time for him to try to find more sexual experiences. Thinking of that one night with Sephiroth was really starting to make him feel pathetic about himself. Besides, rumours among his classmates was that they had to be prepared for sexual situations as SOLDIER operatives too. Some of them had already gone under cover and ended up in all sorts of dodgy situations. He didn’t want to risk ending up like that and being phased by inexperience. Corel seemed like the perfect opportunity to broaden his horizons.

When all was said and done, he was sitting at the bar, hoping that Jax’s trick with stories that the uniform would do it. He couldn’t believe that a girl sat down next to him within five minutes of his arrival, happily brushing up against his legs and playfully stealing his snacks. She did say she was from Corel, and that the town was boring. Seemed legit. Cloud did his best to fall into her rhythm and they went back to his room at the inn together.

He enjoyed seeing her strip, the feel of her soft curves, and her light-heartedness. He made an effort to remember what to do according to his mother’s old soft-core smut-books that he secretly read as a young teenager, and it seemed to be going well. Everything went well, and Cloud had a nice time. After she’d kissed him goodbye and left, he didn’t feel as if this experience was anything he’d think back on while alone in the dark. It was just not that satisfying, and it didn’t seem quite worth the hassle to him. He felt like he’d accomplished a task, done it unremarkably, and that was it. He sighed, too frustrated to fall asleep.

Laying in bed, his thoughts drifted to the understated, perfect curves of Sephiroth’s body. The thrill of Sephiroth’s scarred skin that told something of his experiences, his strength, of what he’d lived through. Sephiroth’s smooth, dark voice that made Cloud hum with pleasure, especially when saying his name. And that was all he had time to think before he’d come again by his own hands. The thrill of his memory of Sephiroth seemed to exceed whatever had happened between him and the cute Corel-girl. He felt mildly troubled about it, especially since her smell was still in the sheets he lay in. He sighed heavily while awkwardly shedding the comforter to clean himself up while he wondered what to do about this unexpected development in his preferences.


	5. C/Z: Hashtag wholesome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plotty intro leads up to Cloud and Zack sleep together the first time. Halfway into the chapter: Supefluffy sex Cloud tops Zack. Then Cloud has a breakdown bc Sephiroth raped him (in chapt 1). So, some lighter angst at the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has had a complete, very loving overhaul with the wonderful support of my trusted and treasured beta reader [Cate Sith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CateSith).

Upon his return to Midgar, Zack was waiting for him at the train station. Cloud was whisked away under mild protestation, past the Shin-Ra headquarters and into the Sector 8 Theatre District, where he was made to drink at the theatre bar that ran LOVELESS.

“Congratulations on your first mission!” Zack said and ruffled Cloud's hair cheerfully. “I’m so proud of my little chocobo-butt!”

They both laughed and chatted away about work, training, and everything else between heaven and Gaia, like what the Corel cuisine had been like. Cloud quickly wound down with their easy chitchat, their casual touching and how they seemed to put each other at ease. It took a while for Cloud to notice, but Zack was drinking faster than usual. In fact, by the time he noticed, Zack already seemed plastered.

“Zack! You’re drunk!” Cloud laughed.

“Nooooo,” Zack took another swig of his drink and gave Cloud a flirtatious and defiant look.

“Stand on one leg!” Cloud challenged.

“Yes, sir!” Zack stood up from his chair unsteadily and could not for the life of him stand on one leg longer than two seconds before grabbing the table for support.

“That’s it, we’re going home!” Cloud announced. “It’s already… 8 pm!” he said, paused, and erupted in laughter.

“Yes, sir!” Zack complied cheerfully.

Cloud inwardly gave a little prayer of gratitude that Zack didn’t put up any resistance. Cloud had to drape Zack’s arm over his shoulders to keep his friend from falling over while they zig-zagged towards the exit through the crowded bar. When had it become so crowded? Cloud’s heart skipped a beat when he spotted Sephiroth and Genesis at a standing table halfway to the entrance. He tried to take another route to avoid them, but Zack spotted them too and dragged Cloud over.

“Sephiroth! Genesis!” Zack yelled enthusiastically while pressed up against the table by the crowds.

“Hello, Zack.” Genesis said and exchanged a meaningful look with Sephiroth.

“Soldier—” Sephiroth greeted Cloud with a nod.

Cloud’s froze on the spot. There it was again, that missing syllable! ‘Soldier slut’ echoed in his head and brought with it entirely inappropriate associations. Not now. He had to get Zack home. This was the worst timing!

“Did they have another argument?” Sephiroth asked Genesis.

“Yes. Angeal texted me about it.” Genesis waved his chiming PHS for emphasis.

Cloud had to work hard to not let Zack fall over, while he suddenly felt a finger tracing down his arm. He automatically assumed it was someone in the crowd. People were moving around them all the time. A quick glance informed him that there hadn’t been anyone who could have done it though. Before he could finish the thought, he felt someone squeezing his backside with unmistakable intent. Eyes widening, he realised it could only be one person standing next to him, namely Sephiroth. He gave him a killing glance. Here he was, his friend obviously in need— The hand deftly dived into his pocket and squeezed heartily at Cloud’s groin.

“ZACK IS DRUNK!” Cloud yelled nearly at the top of his lungs, clearly panicking.

Several people in the crowd stopped and turned their heads to see what the commotion was about. Genesis lifted an eyebrow and Sephiroth’s face was an iconic mask of solemnity.

“You sure sound angry! I’ve never heard you angry before!” Zack was bending over with laughter on his other side.

“Excuse us,” Cloud said curtly and started pushing his friend towards the exit. They burst out the doors and Cloud took deep breaths of fresh night air to calm himself down.

“What were you yelling for in there? We could have stayed and talked to them a bit more,” Zack pouted.

“No, we really couldn’t have,” Cloud retorted as they started to make their way back to the Shin-Ra building.

The night was pleasant, people up and about had hopeful looks on their faces, eager to cast off their evening plans. Zack couldn’t stay sour for long and cheerfully draped himself over his friend, ruffling his blonde hair and infectiously chatting away.

“You’re such a happy drunk.” Cloud caved, laughing.

“Yes I am,” he shamelessly flirted, “when I’m with you!”

They were all stumbles and giggles when they stepped into the elevator at HQ. To be honest, Cloud didn’t really like to spend time in Zack’s little apartment. It was always so messy. He let out a sigh of relief when no pungent smell hit them as they opened the front door. The flat was smaller than Sephiroth’s, but it had the basic creature comforts. A sofa, tv, a little corner with weights and training equipment, a separate bedroom and bathroom. No tub though. Zack pushed past Cloud to clear the sofa by throwing the clothes and towels on the floor instead. He made an exaggerated gesture for Cloud to sit, before he went and got himself some water, and a beer for Cloud.

“Are you planning to get me drunk, Mr. Fair, sir?” Cloud jokingly asked.

“Maaaybe!” Zack said and climbed clumsily onto the sofa and placed his head on Cloud’s lap.

“Now I know something is wrong. What’s going on?” Cloud asked carefully, trying to keep a light tone.

“Angeal is going through something and he’s refusing to talk to me about it!” Zack sighed and frowned.

“Yeah, frustrating, isn’t it?” Cloud sneered, thinking that’s exactly what Zack had been doing all night too, but he patiently continued to stroke Zack’s unruly hair.

Zack scoffed in feigned indignation.

“I’m really worried.” Zack said, suddenly changing his tone to something more serious.

“Yeah, I can tell.” Cloud said softly. “He’ll come around eventually, don’t you think?”

“I’m not sure. He used to mentor me, y’know. Maybe he doesn’t feel like he can rely on me? Maybe I’m still too weak?”

“No one who knows you would think that! You’re really off-base, if that’s what you’ve been worrying about,” Cloud was genuinely surprised at Zack’s insecurity. He always seemed so confident.

“Really?” Zack asked, sounding full of hope which made him seem younger than he usually did.

“Really!” Cloud chuckled.

“Thanks Cloud! You always make me feel better!” Zack smiled in relief.

A comfortable silence spread between them until Zack broke it with sudden fussing.

“Too hard…” Zack mumbled and tried to fluff Cloud up as if he were a pillow.

“Pff, that tickles!” Cloud giggled and ruffled Zack’s hair.

“I really like you, Cloud!” Zack said with a dorky grin and turned to press his face into Cloud's stomach.

“Too hard!” Zack exclaimed in a voice that was warm in a way that Cloud wasn’t sure he’d heard before. Zack quickly undid Cloud’s leather suspenders with the protective plate that covered his stomach and tossed it on the floor.

“Mmmmm.” Zack snuggled contentedly into Cloud’s now much improved, softer stomach.

“You like everyone!” Cloud deflected Zack’s statement with the certainty of an old, ingrained habit while he continued to stroke Zack’s hair affectionately.

“That’s true.” Zack murmured. 

“I like you, Angeal, Genesis, Aerith, Sephiroth, Lazarous… Not Hojo. I really don’t like Hojo.” he said decidedly.

Cloud laughed when Zack’s lips tickled him as Zack spoke. It felt nice. Somehow it was easier to let the intimacy of the gesture pass, knowing that Zack was drunk. Drunk, and rather... adorable. Vulnerable, perhaps, in the childish way he was acting.

“Hey Cloud?”

“Mmm?”

“Would you stay here tonight?”

“Sure. Of course.”

They stayed like that for a while. Cloud reflected on the situation to check with himself if he was okay with it. He knew that maybe he shouldn’t be okay with Zack being so… physically.... whatever he was, but he found himself entirely unable to resist Zack’s charm. Besides, they’d stayed with each other overnight before, even in the same bed. No big deal, right? Cloud hadn’t really had many friends and he didn’t want to bring it up with Zack, since he was still embarrassed about it. Maybe sharing a bed between two friends, two male friends, was something quite normal? He wasn’t sure. Zack chose that particular moment to wrap his arms around Cloud’s waist and hug it tightly.

“How about we move into the bed before you pass out, Mr. Fair?” Cloud said, buying himself a little time to shed his mild embarrassment and confusion.

Zack mumbled in agreement, stretching himself tall in front of the sofa, before stumbling into the bedroom and flopping down on the bed, struggling briefly with his clothes to get undressed and climb under the covers. Cloud laughed at the small-scale drama his friend was making of such mundane tasks before he neatly folded his uniform on the sofa and joined.

Zach turned towards Cloud in bed. “Hey Cloud?” he asked with a shaky voice and glistening eyes.

“Hmm?”

“Would you hold me?” He asked as tears formed at the corners of his eyes.

“Oh, Zack!” Cloud softly exclaimed and embraced his friend. “Is it really that bad?”

“I dunno.” Zack replied in an uncharacteristically squeaky voice.

Cloud pulled his friend closer and rocked him gently, mumbling empty but comforting kindnesses. When Zack hadn’t spoken for a while, Cloud just continued to stroke his dark hair, enjoying the comforting weight of his friend’s warm body. Being with Zack felt so… wholesome. It made him feel as if he could do anything, except maybe falling asleep before 9:30 pm, Cloud realised, staring up at the dimmed ceiling lights. Shin-Ra never let them turn off completely at the headquarters, in case of emergencies, they’d said. It took some getting used to, but Cloud enjoyed the warm, dimmed light. Especially now, when it enabled him to see his friend in such an intimate situation.

He let himself really study Zack who was resting heavily against his chest. Zack’s eyelashes were dark and long, framing ever so slightly tilted eyes. His skin was lightly tanned, as if always kissed by the sun, and even his sweat smelled like a happy childhood memory. Like the ocean, or something... He was utterly, entirely gorgeous. Cloud’s thoughts drifted until they returned with the question of whether he was supposed to think like this about friends. Distracted, his hands stopped moving.

“Please don’t stop,” Zack mumbled.

Cloud chuckled and started up operation ‘petting-hair’ again.

“You’re such a spoiled brat sometimes.” Cloud quietly teased his friend.

“I have a confession to make,” Zack said and looked up at Cloud with piercing eyes.

“Oh yeah?”

“I’m actually not that drunk.” 

“Tsk, tsk, that’s what they all say, Zack!” Cloud said in disbelief.

“You’re right. I was drunk for a while there, but it passed a bit quicker than I let on, I think. Perks of mako-enhancement...”

“Okay Zack. I’ll be sure to give your fan club the newest numbers on your alcohol digestion rate.” Cloud tried to deflect the topic again, uncertain of its implications.

“Thanks, Cloud.” Zack mumbled with a beaming smile into Cloud’s chest.

A new period of silence followed, but the mood has shifted slightly, now that Cloud knew Zack wasn’t asleep. Somehow it made Cloud more aware of being nearly naked, bodies pressed together in a soft and comfortable bed. It didn’t take long of thinking along those lines before he felt himself starting to get hard. Unsure of what to do, he just lay as still as possible, hoping Zack wouldn’t notice. Instead, Zack wrapped his arms around Cloud and slipped his thigh between Cloud’s legs and pulled himself closer. Before Cloud could stop himself, he returned the embrace.

“Cloud?”

“Mmh?”

“I really want to kiss you.” Zacked asked, sounding very sincere, almost solemn. 

Cloud paused to rake his brain for a way to deflect Zack’s request, but came up with nothing. Also, he didn’t want to belittle Zack, so he simply asked, “Is that really a good idea?”

“I don’t know. Why wouldn’t it be?”

“What about Aerith?”

“Yeah, I kiss her too,” Zack said a little hesitantly. “And I’d like to kiss Angeal more often as well. I kiss other girls sometimes too, when I’m out. Remember what I said about liking people more?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I’m like this, not so… traditional in my relationships anymore.” Zack’s words sounded like they were weighing him down, and like he didn’t really want to share their weight with anyone else.

“I see.” Cloud considered his friend’s words carefully.

“Will it make things awkward between us?” he continued.

“I don’t know, but I really hope not. I really wouldn’t want that.” The fear and uncertainty of jeopardizing their friendship bled into Zack’s voice, making him sound very genuine.

“Me neither.”

“Maybe we can be like ‘friends ++ rank 8’?” Zack suggested.

Cloud laughed at Zack labelling their friendship in the same way that materia was classified. 

“Rank 8, huh? That’s pretty good!” he replied gleefully and pulled Zack closer.

“Exactly.” Zack said relaxing a little from the seriousness of the discussion.

“Okay. We can kiss if you promise we’ll work it out if things do become awkward. I don’t want to be in SOLDIER without your friendship and support. You’ve spoiled me too, you know.” Cloud half whispered, embarrassed to be so forthcoming about the importance of their friendship.

“Really? I promise. I would never ditch our friendship. Not everyone puts me at ease like you do. You’re a very precious friend to me.” Zack rambled, tripping over his words.

“Okay! Let me prepare!” Cloud said and started to make weird sounds and shapes with his mouth, slapping his cheeks.

“What the hell are you doing?” Zack asked.

“Relaxing my lips for you, Mr. Fair, sir!” Cloud replied in mock-military tone before placing his face before Zack with exaggeratedly pursed lips and eyes squeezed shut, his whole face scrunched up. Zack erupted with laughter and Cloud quickly joined in. Zack propped himself up on his forearms over Cloud.

“You’re so funny…” he said and kissed Cloud’s cheek.   
“and smart,” -kiss-   
“and brave,” -kiss-   
“and strong,” -kiss-  
“and cute-“

“Shut up.” Cloud interrupted and pressed his lips against Zack’s.

Kissing Zack was completely different from his previous, albeit admittedly limited, experiences. The kiss bore no hint of malice or hidden agendas. It wasn’t a technical exercise either. It was just like getting a beautiful pastry served and then finding out that the taste was just as good as the presentation. With Zack, all of the kindness, gentleness, compassion and warmth he knew from their friendship was there in his kiss. He instantly felt a sense of belonging which was incredibly intoxicating. The kiss was slow and a little chaste, lacking tongue. Cloud broke away, feeling overwhelmed anyway. 

“Wow.” he breathed, looking at Zack.

“Yeah.” Zack agreed, breathlessly.

Cloud smiled and pulled Zack down into another kiss. They took their time to get used to each other. Zack tenderly caressed Cloud wherever he could reach, his hair, face, neck, chest, arms and thighs. Cloud felt himself get more and more into it and pressed his body harder and harder up against Zack, until Zack broke it off, laughing.

“I can’t move if you do that!” Zack laughed.

Cloud shrugged, as if gesturing a careless ‘not my problem’.

Zack hooked his thumbs into Cloud’s underwear. “Can I remove these?”

Cloud nodded, smiling, his chest rising and falling quickly as he looked up at Zack, who was confidently pulling his boxers down.

Zack borrowed one of Cloud’s hands and stroked them over his own underwear. “These too?” he asked seductively.

“Yes!” 

Cloud laughed and wrestled his friend down to have them switch places before he started to pull down Zack’s boxers. He planted kisses along the sharply defined V-shape from Zack’s abdomen down to his groin. Zack moaned softly through a beaming smile. Cloud’s face flushed at the sounds, sight and smell of Zack’s arousal and he leaned back to give himself a chance to digest a little. He found the most surprising thing the lack of awkwardness. He laid himself down on top of Zack and alternated between kissing his neck and his face.

“Are you feeling shy?” Zack asked.

“Yeah, I guess.” Cloud said and hid his face in Zack’s neck.

“But you’ve had sex before?”

“Yeah, but it was… different.” Cloud said and felt the heat from his face spreading down his neck.

“Okay. Let’s just stay like this for a while.” Zack said and slipped a hand between their bodies to stroke their cocks together.

Cloud moaned softly next to Zack’s ear while inwardly feeling guilty for not correcting Zack in the obvious misunderstanding concerning the meaning of ‘different sex’. He probably thought Cloud had only slept with girls before, when in reality he’d slept not only with a man but a monst—. He quickly shoved those thoughts aside and planted his lips on Zack’s for distraction.

Zack gently tasted Cloud’s lips with his tongue, savouring the new kind of intimacy. Zack was a very good kisser, Cloud quickly realised. He felt like Zack was reading his mind. He was given just a little bit less than he wanted, which only made him want more and more. It was the sweetest agony he’d ever felt.

Cloud broke away to simply look at Zack, adjusting to the new bonds of desire being tied between them. Zack’s breathing was rugged, his cheeks and lips flushed, his eyes emitting a warmth through the sky-blue colour.

“I’ll never get tired of your face,” Zack murmured. “Your chocobo-butt hair, your tiny freckles and cute nose… I’m quite into them, you know,” he quietly continued.

“Oh yeah? Did you think of kissing me often?” Cloud sat up and joined his hands around their cocks, stroking them more intensely.

“Yeah, sometimes.” Zack gasped and sat up to kiss Cloud again.

“I also dreamed of having you here,” Zack managed between kisses and led one of Cloud’s hands to his backside and squeezed his hand above Cloud’s.

Cloud’s eyebrows lifted in surprise.

“Could I?” Zack breathed, losing composure, his head clearly rushing ahead of events.

Cloud laughed when he saw Zack so eager over… yeah, wow. Anyway, Zack reminded him of a happy puppy.

“Yeah, if you tell me how you pictured it.” Cloud teased and kneaded the splendid muscles of Zack’s backside enthusiastically.

“Oh…” Zack turned a deeper shade of red. “It got really bad after that SOLDIER-dinner, you know…” his voice trailed off, getting distracted by Cloud who was kissing, sucking and nibbling at his neck.

“Dinner?” Cloud prompted and grazed his lips along Zack’s shoulders.

“You were so cute… nervous… and I’d never seen you in your uniform before. It just…” Zack was shivering and pressing himself into Cloud.

Cloud giggled and threw his arms around Zack.

“Should I go and put it on for you?” Cloud teased.

“No!” Zack laughed and shook his head while running his hands over Cloud’s soft skin, greedily savouring Cloud’s nakedness. “No way.”

“Okay. So, tell me what to do.”

“Have you ever stretched a man before?” Zack asked.

“No.”

“Would you mind if I do it myself?”

“No. I’d like that.” Cloud said, grateful for Zack being so considerate when he was treading new grounds.

Zack felt heady from Cloud’s acceptance. He’d never guessed he’d actually get the chance to experience this with Cloud. He just had seemed so… straight. Zack produced lube and condoms from his bedside drawers and squeezed a generous amount in his hand before entering himself with two fingers, sitting with his knees spread wide on the bed.

“Would you touch me while I do this?” Zack asked, sounding a little bit shy for the first time that night.

Cloud snapped out of his mesmerized gawking and placed his hands on Zack’s hips while kissing Zack’s chiseled chest. Zack’s hips were softly thrusting his hardness against Cloud as he dug into himself with his own fingers. Cloud found himself heady from Zack’s strong body as he felt the muscles contorting rhythmically under his palms. He let his palms wander, searching for places that would incite a reaction. He transformed a hum to a low groan by dragging his nails across Zack’s back, and made his breathing go ragged by playing with his balls. He intentionally avoided Zack’s cock, wanting payback for Zack’s tantalizing kisses earlier.

He quickly learned that Zack’s nipples were very sensitive. The lightest of touches would draw a gasp. He tried touching them in different ways, with his palms, fingertips, the backs of his nails, pinching and twisting lightly. He could hear the wet sounds from Zack’s fingering, and the breathy moans that escaped Zack’s lips as he was stretching himself wider in excitement. Spurred on by Zack’s encouraging sounds, Cloud bent down to kiss, lick and nibble, working his way slowly to Zack’s nipples. By the time the tip of his tongue lightly grazed over the nipple, he could feel Zack’s pre-cum dripping down his stomach. He continued to suck, lick and prod at Zack’s nipples, drawing louder and louder noises from Zack.

“Bite it.” Zack managed breathlessly, arching his back to offer his chest to Cloud.

Cloud started grazing Zack’s chest with his teeth, gently closing them down over Zack’s hard nipples one at a time.

“Harder!” Zack wheezed in agony, his eyes filling with tears of desire when he finally allowed himself to believe that Cloud was actually going to fuck him.

Cloud hesitated a moment, then placed a hand on Zack’s cock and bit down on his nipple. He tried to increase the pressure as long as he felt Zack’s cock twitching and let go when it stopped. 

“Like that?” Cloud asked, worried that he was overdoing it.

“Uhhuh.” Zack confirmed eagerly, letting his head drop back, closing his eyes to focus only on the sensations Cloud was causing.

Cloud continued to squeeze Zack’s cock a little harder with each bite. Zack was moaning and wheezing beautifully, his chest heaving heavier than Cloud had ever seen during training, until Zack finally flung himself down on the bed. His hair was a mess, his face flushed, lips wet and cheeks tear-stained. Cloud stared and quickly put it down as the most erotic sight he’d ever seen. Zack opened his legs and confidently spread himself three fingers wide for Cloud to see. Zack’s cock, rock hard, leaked a glistening drop onto his stomach. Cloud could feel his own cock twitching and his jaw falling open at the sight before him.

He laughed at the stupid face Cloud was making and asked “Ready?”

Cloud closed his mouth and nodded nervously.

Zack shifted, finding the condoms on the bed, tore a package open and placed the condom on the tip of Cloud’s cock. He placed his lips at the tip of Cloud’s cock and pressed them down to make Cloud’s cock pry them open in order to roll the condom on. Cloud grabbed fistfuls of black hair to steady himself while furiously holding back an early orgasm.

“Could we do it from the side? I want to feel as much of you as possible.” Zack’s voice was hoarse from arousal.

“Sure.” Cloud smiled and tried to remember how to breathe.

Zack lay down on his side and pulled Cloud down behind him. He wrapped Cloud’s arms around himself and pressed his body back into Cloud’s. He reached back for Cloud’s cock and rubbed it with a light touch, grazing it over his entrance, until he could feel Cloud’s moaning and breathing turning heavier against the nape of his neck. With a pleasured groan he steadied Cloud’s cock and pushed himself back to make it enter.

“So warm…” Cloud murmured softly and tightened his arms around his friend, pushing himself deeper.

They lay still for a moment, Cloud feeling Zack clenching softly around him, breathing in his pleasant scent, now a little stronger than earlier in the evening. He nuzzled his face against Zack’s neck, looking for a patch of skin to kiss. Zack hummed softly, encouraging Cloud to plant another kiss which he did, firmer this time. Cloud parted his lips to suck at the skin, making Zack arch his back with a soft whine. When Cloud bit down on it they were already eagerly moving their bodies against each other. The feeling of skin against skin was exhilarating. Cloud had never experienced sex like this before, and suddenly all the fuss about it made sense. Anyone would want sex if this is what they had in mind. Cloud’s embrace around Zack's body turned crushing with his thoughts. Zack reached one hand for Cloud’s hip to invite Cloud to thrust even harder while he stroked his own cock with his other hand, meeting Cloud’s eagerness with equal measures.

“So full,” Zack said hoarsely.

Cloud’s arousal grew, and he rolled Zack onto his stomach. Zack impatiently spread his legs and angled his hips to give Cloud better access.

“Gods... Zack…” Cloud managed, bewildered by the loud slapping noises his thrusts made against Zack's muscular ass.

Zack muffled his moans into a pillow as he braced himself for each thrust to make the impact harder. Cloud buried himself and then slumped down onto Zack, panting.

“I’m close… a little break. I don’t want to...” Cloud breathed heavily as he brushed black hair out of the way and nibbled softly at Zack's ear.

Zack groaned with exaggerated frustration, caught Cloud’s hand and started sucking and licking the fingers. Cloud stayed still with straining effort while Zack clamped down on him, teasing him horrendously and mercilessly. Zack could feel Cloud twitching inside, measuring Cloud’s arousal from his hitching breath as he licked away. He continued to tease until Cloud’s resistance was worn down, and bodies slowly started moving again. Cloud grabbed hold of Zack’s hips and beckoned Zack to his knees. He went on to fuck Zack at a deliciously slow pace, slowly letting the nails of one hand create four red trails across Zack’s back while reaching around to stroke Zack’s cock with the other.

“Cloud… you’re killing me,” Zack groaned in torment.

“I would never,” Cloud said on breath laced with laughter and gave in to his friend, unleashing a series of passionate thrusts before stilling himself again, stroking over the beautiful red marks he’d just made.

Zack muffled his cries into the pillow again, his body quivering fervently.

“Let me hear your voice,” Cloud whispered as he gave a few inflaming thrusts.

Zack pushed the pillow aside and met Cloud’s thrusting by leaning his hips back. Cloud stopped holding himself back and thrust unreservedly into Zack, immediately drawing cries thick with pleasure. Cloud felt his hands digging into Zack’s hips as the world melted away.

“I’m close,” he managed.

Zack grabbed his own cock and started stroking it.

“Me too,” Zack said and met up with Cloud’s body as hard as he could. It pushed them both over the edge and Zack made a mess of the sheets, moaning with Cloud’s hot release and violent twitches. Neither of them moved, each needing to process what had just happened while their breaths slowed down.

The moment of stillness was finally stirred to movement by Cloud, wrapping his arms around Zack’s waist, draping himself down to plant kisses on Zack’s back.

“You… I’m so lucky…” he said with a thick, sated tone.

“Pull out, I wanna hug you so bad.” Zack said.

Cloud held the condom as he withdrew. Zack turned around quickly, pulled the condom off Cloud, tied it and threw it on the floor beside the bed. Cloud shot him a blazing glare of disapproval.

“Yeah yeah yeah… Clean later, hug now?” he said as he threw himself at Cloud, pushing Cloud into the wet stains. Cloud gave an audible sigh as he wrapped his arms around his messy friend.

They lay like that for a while, and Cloud could feel an uncomfortable feeling creeping into his body as his muscles slowly relaxed with Zack’s weight on top of him. He’d felt so safe, so good, so taken care of… so loved, and he’d loved every second of it, but it presented a sharp contrast to his experiences with Sephiroth, and that painful realisation took hold of his body where he was lying.

To be frank, the pain was becoming overwhelming, seeping in from the base of his fingernails, up through his arms, taking a painful grip on his chest, and started ripping into his lungs. When Zack tried to pull away from the embrace, Cloud wouldn’t let him. That’s when Zack noticed Cloud had started shivering under him.

“Cloud?” he said in alarm, “Cloud?!” He pushed himself free to find Cloud with a steady stream of tears falling from closed eyes and his face exuding acute pain.

“Oh gods, Cloud, did I push you too far?” Zack immediately voiced his deepest fears.

Cloud shook his head and couldn’t stop himself from audibly crying anymore. Zack hurried to pull his precious friend to his chest, wiping away the tears as they fell, kissing his face and stroking his hair. Cloud’s crying became frenzied. He was wailing and shaking as his nails dug into Zack’s flesh in a hampering grip.

“Cloud, you’re scaring me!” Zack said as he tried his best to hold his inconsolable friend.

Eventually Cloud stopped from exhaustion, tears still wet as he fell asleep in Zack’s arms. Zack on the other hand, got no sleep. He stayed up anxiously all night, trying to guess at what could have unsettled his friend to such an extent.

…

Cloud woke up next morning to a significantly cleaner flat than the one he’d walked into the day before. Zack was sitting up on the bed, messing with his phone.

“Hey there. I’ve made breakfast,” Zack said in an overly sweet voice, putting his phone down.

Cloud felt drained, his eyes were swollen, and he was soaked with sweat. He gratefully crawled over to Zack and put his head on Zack’s shoulder.

“Wanna get cleaned up?” Zack mumbled and placed a kiss to Cloud’s golden spikes.

Cloud nodded and let himself get dragged towards the shower. He looked around in wonder at the living room on the way to the bathroom. He’d literally never seen it so clean before. He could see the colours of the furniture for the first time. The couch was a mustard yellow, sitting on a round carpet with a sunflower pattern. Cloud felt oddly pleased. It was a perfect match for Zack’s sunny personality.

Zack pointed for Cloud to sit on a plastic stool as he stripped himself down to his underwear. He then stepped into the shower and started to wash his friend gently. He took his time, massaging Cloud’s head full of shampoo and shielded his eyes when rinsing it off. Cloud felt himself relaxing at his friend’s comforting touch. What had he ever done to deserve such a friend, he wondered with a pang of guilt.

After the shower, Cloud was dressed in a soft orange robe, smelling of fresh laundry. Then he was ushered to sit on the couch as Zack quickly disappeared to his room and emerged with dry boxers. Zack went on to pour freshly brewed coffee into two mugs. He dumped a ham and cheese croissant onto a plate which he set down in front of Cloud on the coffee table before carelessly slumping down on the sofa. With a complicated look on his face he placed his hands on Cloud’s shoulders to square them against each other.

“What. The. Fuck. Cloud?” he said in a voice that was completely devoid of anger and filled to the brim with concern.

Cloud lowered his eyes in shame, feeling tears burning behind his eyelids again. Zack shook Cloud gently in frustration.

“Cloud. You’re my beloved friend. I’m so worried that I did something wrong. Please talk to me.”

Cloud raised his eyes in alarm. “I loved every second of last night Zack, please don’t think anything else!” he chose his words with care and hoped that Zack would understand.

“Then what was it?! I don’t understand!” Zack asked, disconcerted.

“I can’t talk about it.” Cloud looked down again with tears spilling from his eyes. He felt deeply ashamed for unsettling his friend so much. The last thing in the world he wanted was to cause Zack any pain, yet here he was. But he absolutely couldn’t talk to Zack about Sephiroth. They were friends! How would he even talk about it? Sex? Rape? Both? What would that sound like? He was so conflicted about Sephiroth and he was absolutely not ready to talk about it. Not even with Zack.

“Please don’t cry.” Zack wiped the tears from Cloud’s cheeks and shoved the coffee cup into Cloud’s hands. “I just want to be there for you. I don’t want you to feel alone.” he said, making an effort to keep his voice steady.

“I know. I know I know I know...” Cloud mumbled, and took a sip of coffee, trying to act normally.

“I trust you to know what you need, so I’ll let this go, but please… if you ever need to talk…” Zack said, sitting an arm’s length away, carefully stroking Cloud’s moist hair.

“I promise!” Cloud sat the cup back on the table and moved closer to Zack, dropping his head down on Zack’s chest, relieved. 

“I promise.” he repeated a little more confidently into Zack’s chest.

Zack draped his arms heavy on Cloud and kissed the top of Cloud’s head.

“Eat your breakfast. I’ve never made breakfast for anyone before. You’d better enjoy it.” he said with feigned sternness.

“Yes, Mr. Fair, sir.” Cloud said, faking cheerfulness, reaching for the coffee.


	6. P: SOLDIER treatments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud fails his first mission, kills people and get's mako withdrawal. Plotty angst with graphic violence. 100% smutless. Probably the shortest chapter in this fic. Bc, no smut. Yep. ;_;

Time passed and Cloud was settling into the pace of being a Third Class SOLDIER. The mako treatments were difficult to handle, especially with the amplified emotions that came with them, but he somehow managed. Training went exceptionally well. He’d gotten to a headspace where instead of having to make an effort to focus, he just ‘let go’ of his inhibitions and find a flow in his fighting training. His instructors cautioned him though, saying he had to be careful not to relinquish too much control, or else he wouldn’t be able to tell friend from foe.

There were a few incidents where he’d hurt his classmates in training sessions because of it, but he wasn’t the only one. It was treated as a common occurrence, but it weighed on Cloud. He spent a great deal of time with his nose in combat manuals only to find all of them outdated in terms of mako-enhancements. Zack had asked him if he’d like new training sessions with Sephiroth, and he said he’d consider it if things got worse. In reality, the situation wasn’t what caused him to turn the offer down. The issue was of course the brittle relationship he had with Sephiroth.

His and Zack’s relationship, on the other hand, was going well. There wasn’t any awkwardness between them, except for when they were out and couldn’t touch each other as casually as they did when they were alone. It wasn’t as if they slept together every time they hung out, but it happened now and then. Cloud knew Zack slept with other people too, and Cloud himself… well, he had his hands full with thoughts of Zack and Sephiroth. Somehow there was an itch that he didn’t want Zack to scratch. Something that he felt wrong with himself. He knew it had always been there, but the mako treatments were making it surface and there were days, well, nights really, where he thought he would go mad with the raging feelings tearing him in all kinds of different directions. Something that he was too ashamed of to let Zack close to.

One Thursday morning at 3 AM, the emergency alarms sounded, and Cloud was hastily assigned his first emergency command. ‘Anti-Shin-Ra’ elements were organising attacks on the mako reactors, and he was assigned to lead the defense of the Corel reactor. Troops were being directed to head for the Shin-Ra chartered trains. Despite all the commotion he managed to coordinate with Zack to have a few minutes together on the platform before they had to part for different reactors.

“You’re going to be fine.” Zack leaned in, speaking softly beside Cloud’s ear in the midst of all the Shin-Ra staff running around. No one paid any attention to them. Zack entwined their pinky fingers discreetly and gave an affectionate squeeze. Cloud felt as if his whole existence was encapsulated in that touch and he wished he could stay in it forever.

“Let’s have a celebratory date-night when we meet up again, to your first emergency command!” Zack said, looking steady as a mountain in a snowstorm. Cloud could feel his chest expanding with pangs of powerful affection for Zack, but he just swallowed, nodded and they went their respective ways.

Cloud sat on pins and needles the whole train ride, trying to hide his nervousness from the troops he was commanding. The journey was quiet, only the rhythmical sound from the railroad could be heard in the early morning hours. It seemed surreal that they were going to be in battle soon. The light was grim and grey, and it seemed to set the tone for everyone.

The train rolled into the platform in Corel, but unexpectedly, no one was there to greet them. Cloud immediately called HQ but before the signal had come through, shots were shattering the windows from all directions. He could see Shin-Ra Escort Heads were wheeling into the platform attacking the train. Cloud crouched down, hearing the sound of someone picking up his phone call.

“We’re ambushed,” he spoke urgently on the phone, “Send reinforcements and warn the others.” He shoved the phone back into his pocket as the trooper straight across from him got shot, blood splattering on Cloud’s face. He froze in horror for a second before someone tugged his arm, asking for orders.

“Shut the metal blinds on the cliff side and take those Escort Heads out! Where’s our tech team?”

“Here!” someone lying face down on the floor shouted.

“They must be hacked. See if you can fix that.” Cloud pointed at three nearby troopers. “Cover him, we need that data.”

As soon as his troops weren’t being swatted like flies, he stormed out into the platform, whacking into the machines, trying to clear a route from the train for the troops. As it was now, they were trapped. His body was screaming for movement, so ready to fight. He gave in to his SOLDIER-instincts, quickly falling into the zone of sword-work, whacking off machine parts, making grinding metal spark and screech.

There were other enemies too, humans. He whacked them too. The transition of friction between sword, air and body was the same as in the training room. It felt right. This was what he’d been training for. Every time his sword exited a body, he felt a surge of satisfaction, quickly looking for the next hit.

Cloud’s sense of reality and of the big picture fell to the side. His sense of time got warped, and he felt as if he was the centre of the universe standing still. From there he was orchestrating the world around him with his blows, painting the whole world in red mist and white sparks. He didn’t know how long it went on, but suddenly he couldn’t raise his arms anymore. He realised he wasn’t actually standing anymore. In fact, he must have been lying down as the world seemed to have turned 90 degrees. He closed his eyes because they, too, had stopped working.

The next time he opened them, he saw a familiar room through a green filter. It took him a while to realise he was in a mako chamber in Hojo’s laboratory. For better or worse he felt the curtains fall on his surroundings; he was gliding back into unconsciousness. Zack was there at one point talking animatedly with Hojo. Curtain. Sephiroth was lying on the hospital bed. It threw him off to see Sephiroth lying down, clearly at the mercy of Hojo. Well, at least he wasn’t strapped down in the restraints of the bed. Curtain. He saw Hojo often. He came and stared at Cloud, their eyes met, but there was no sign of recognition from Hojo. It was as if he was looking at an object. Cloud felt sick and closed his eyes, creating his own curtain fall.

He opened his eyes again, finding himself in his own bed, soaked in sweat. He’d barely taken two breaths when the first wave of sickness came, and he ran three steps to vomit into the toilet. He sat there for a long time, feeling somehow that he really belonged on the floor. When he finally stood up, he noticed how sore his body was. No, not sore, painful. When he met his own eyes in the bathroom mirror he barely recognized himself. His eyes were glowing in a lighter green hue, he had dark circles under his eyes and there were shallow cuts all over his face. He lifted his shirt and found alarming dark bruising everywhere. They couldn’t have been fresh. They already had the dark purple hues with red and yellow edges. He must have been in the mako chamber for days.

As soon as he’d rinsed his mouth, he stumbled back to his bed to check his phone. Two days. There was a mission-report in his email. It told him the mission had failed but the backup had taken care of it quickly once they arrived. 34 people had died, 66 returned and 23 were injured. He’d been given three more days before he had to report in again. That was it. No blame, no repercussions. He couldn’t process and fell back into an uneasy sleep. 

He woke up as if someone had whipped him. The machines had cut his flesh, and he, he’d cut the arms and legs of the ‘Anti-Shin-Ra-elements’. Only they weren’t really ‘elements’, they were just people. In his dreams he’d seen their horrified faces as his sword cut into, and was pulled out of them in wide arches of red. Some didn’t die right away, they just lay screaming on the ground, bleeding slowly, clearly in pain. In his dreams he’d felt himself smiling while doing it. He had felt the blood dripping down his sword, warming his hands through the gloves.

Then he ran for vomiting 2.0. After that he was lying curled up on the bathroom floor, banging his head against the wall for distraction until he felt something warm and sticky in his hair and wall, at which point he just screamed at the top of his lungs. He could clearly feel his sanity slipping, his heart racing, and when he thought it would really, actually explode, he stood up and walked out of his door barefoot in whatever laboratory trash he was wearing.

He didn’t know where he was going, but his feet seemed to. Quickly, apparently, because he was running now. Then he was jumping in the elevator, other passengers politely looking away, not making a squeak. Everybody working at Shin-Ra knew to stay away from that fresh mako glow. Cloud blinked his eyes and then he was banging on a door so hard the skin on his fists were breaking. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for depressing plot-shit. It will get better, I promise. Kudos and feedback always appreciated!
> 
> This chapter has been lovingly betaed with the help the wonderful and fantastic [Cate Sith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CateSith).
> 
> Want a song for end roll credits? Cate Sith inadvertently suggested this one: [ Butcher Pete Part 1 & 2 by Roy Brown](https://youtu.be/3svM4LjoEOE) I second it. A very 2020 type of end roll imo.


	7. C/S: Pierced

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud runs to Sephiroth to beg for help from distracting him from mako-withdrawal. Sephiroth agrees and introduces Cloud to play-piercing. Much sex, consensual violence, though Cloud is under drug influence of sorts. Let's call it complicated, shall we?
> 
> TW: Blood and self harm. 
> 
> Also: This is NOT TO BE USED AS A PLAY PIERCING MANUAL, or any sort of sex manual. It's pure dirty, dirty fantasy, ok? I'm sure you realise. Just saying,...

“Cloud?” Sephiroth opened the door and Cloud pushed past him stepping into Sephiroth’s apartment.

Cloud’s eyes were flickering around like those of a trapped animal until they landed on something on the desk. Cloud grabbed an ornate letter opener, lifted his arm and cut a deep slit open along the length of his arm while staring madly into Sephiroth’s eyes.

“Help.” Cloud said in a detached voice that was not in line with his eyes or actions. 

“Help me or I’ll do it again.” Cloud raised the letter opener in a silent threat, blood pouring down his arm.

“I see.” Sephiroth said in simple acceptance. Then he was there in front of Cloud, cool hands closing around Cloud’s heated wrists, squeezing until ligaments croaked and the letter opener fell to the floor.

“Cloud, you’re experiencing mako withdrawal, do you hear me?” Sephiroth’s voice was calm, not giving away any feelings he might have about being intruded upon.

Cloud yanked his arms furiously, but couldn’t break free from Sephiroth’s hold. He tried kicking instead.

“Well, I guess it doesn’t really matter at the moment.” Sephiroth said, seemingly unbothered.

Sephiroth quickly yanked the soiled clothes off of Cloud with one hand, holding Cloud’s hands effortlessly with the other. He dragged Cloud kicking and grunting into the bedroom, opened a drawer and produced some leather cuffs with which Clouds hands were fastened behind his back. Then he dragged Cloud, now by the hair, into the bathroom where he was dumped carelessly into the large tub. Cold water started pouring into it and Cloud ceased moving, his breaths turning shorter and shallower as the tub filled up.

“Better?” Sephiroth asked without audible concern.

Cloud looked up, his lips shivering, eyes still haunted but flickering faintly with humanity again. He nodded his head. Sephiroth put his hand over the bleeding cut in Cloud’s arm and pressed his thumb into it. The skin opened up deliciously, exposing the pink and yellow edges before fresh blood welled up. A cold grin spread on Sephiroth’s face at the sight. Cloud drew his breath to scream. Before he had a chance to, the room filled with glowing green light that faded softly. The effect of the cure was immediate. Momentarily Cloud relaxed and breathed deeply again. Sephiroth licked the blood from his thumb, eyes twinkling with restrained delight.

Sephiroth opened a cupboard producing a sponge and a bar of soap. He placed a stool at the short end of the oval tub and started to lather up the shivering Third Class SOLDIER. Cloud felt himself tensing up again, but the sensation of the cold and Sephiroth’s touch were enough to take the edge off the calamity of his raging feelings. In time with getting used to the cold water he could feel himself growing more and more unsettled again, but thankfully Sephiroth diverted his focus by scrubbing him with the coarse sponge, leaving his skin pink and tender. The lather from the soap turned the water a pretty, milky pink as the blood washed off. Cloud sighed in relief for mercifully being brought out of his head again.

The doorbell rang and Sephiroth excused himself to answer. Cloud heard muffled voices through the door, but the clarity of them faded, replaced by a ringing in his ears that set his head ablaze with white flames. He was nearly in full panic when Sephiroth returned. Sephiroth quickly pulled the plug of the tub and started replacing the cold water with hot. Unfortunately, the contrast seemed too much, too suddenly, and it sent Cloud into hyperventilation.

“Calm down.” Sephiroth said coldly and curled steadying hands around Cloud’s neck.

Cloud kept thrashing and breathing too quick until he could feel his world slow down from some external pressure that he couldn’t comprehend the source of. It took him a while to realize that he couldn’t breathe anymore but it wasn’t uncomfortable, it was comforting. It was the best he’d felt since he came out of the mako chamber. Air filled and emptied from his lungs a few times, making ripples in the water before the pressure returned. Cloud closed his eyes, grateful for a moment without any horrid memories of the failed mission replaying vividly. His muscles relaxed and he slid down deeper into the water. Next time his lungs expanded his breathing was calmer, almost normal. Sephiroth let his head drop, leaning it against the back of Cloud’s while pinning Cloud against wall of the tub with a splayed hand, slumping over on the stool.

“Cloud. Why did you come here?” His voice was calm, but the expression on his face was weary. He knew he only had a short while before Cloud was going to slip away again.

“I want you to break me.” Cloud replied in that detached voice. It seemed to bounce unnaturally in the well-furnished bathroom.

“And why is that?”

“I think… I’m a monster.” Cloud said uncertainty in a low, suddenly raspy sounding voice, unsure if he’d described his feelings accurately. 

“I think I’m going insane.” he added, fear bleeding into his tone.

“You want this from me, not Zackary?” Sephiroth chuckled joylessly. He grabbed Cloud’s hair and pulled his head back, stretching Cloud’s neck out over the edge of the tub. He placed a sharp fingernail and dragged it along the taut skin.

“Yes.” Cloud hissed and shivered.

“What do you offer in return?” Sephiroth let his fingernail cut into the neck, drawing a single drop of blood and then watched it trail down Cloud’s pale chest.

“What do you want?” Cloud’s breathing turned irregular with his suddenly racing heart.

Sephiroth placed his mouth next to Cloud’s ear. “I want your nipples,” he whispered seductively and let his hands snake down over Cloud’s chest with broad, open strokes, pressing Cloud’s chest open beneath his palms.

“You can’t cut them off.” Cloud said breathlessly, his body bowing against Sephiroth’s hands, having no idea what Sephiroth was asking for.

“If I don’t make permanent changes, can I have them?” Sephiroth’s voice finally betrayed clear interest.

“Yes.”

Sephiroth let his hands collect above Cloud’s nipples and gave them a hard pinch before standing up to undress, dropping his wet items of clothing on the floor. He did it fast, but his movements were graceful and confident, making it look like something of an unintended striptease. Cloud stirred uncomfortably in the water, feeling himself swell from seeing this god of sex disrobing before him.

Sephiroth stepped into the other short end of the tub, hardly disturbing the water at all. “How are your arms?”

“Numb.”

“Turn around.”

Cloud turned turned his back to Sephiroth and sighed in relief as he felt the restraints being removed. He heard them dropped on the floor and then he was pulled backwards into Sephiroth’s embrace. He frowned when he felt Sephiroth attentively rubbing his arms to help get rid of the stiffness. Any other day he would have shed tears of happiness from such a gentle treatment from Sephiroth, but in his current state it wasn’t at all what he was craving. He wanted to feel more, a lot more. Defeated and desperate, Cloud started to claw at his own skin, inducing that painful sensation that seemed to keep him grounded. He wanted so desperately to stay grounded.

Sephiroth enjoyed watching the pitiful attempt at self-mutilation while he slowly let himself get hard from Cloud winding himself up in frustration in his lap.

“You never give me what I want! This isn’t what I want!” Cloud spat in resentment, his eyes growing wilder by the second.

“I will, my little soldier slut. I promise I will.” Sephiroth’s voice was dripping with sweetness. He yanked Cloud’s hair back, stretching Cloud’s body over his own. He pried Cloud’s legs open with his own, and let his hardness brush up against Cloud before gripping them together, stroking them firmly. He harshly pulled at Cloud’s hair until Cloud’s ear was brushing his lips.

“I wish I could split your chest right open and empty your innards right here into the tub, to bathe in you,” Sephiroth purred, letting his lips tickle the shell of Cloud’s ear. 

Sephiroth placed his lips to Cloud’s neck and let his teeth slowly sink into it. He let the bite go just before Cloud’s groan turned into a scream. Sephiroth kissed over the mark and enjoyed Cloud twitching uncontrollably in his hand.

“I wish I could split you open, fucking your raw flesh, slick with blood.” Sephiroth murmured and repeated the biting, letting his teeth sink into the tender flesh between Cloud’s neck and shoulder.

Cloud whimpered loudly and took a fervent grip on Sephiroth’s wrist. “I want it,” Cloud breathed heavily and tried to thrust his hips harder into Sephiroth’s hand, but to no avail. He meant what he’d said. Anything would be better than to suffer like he was, from his own mind.

“I wish,” Sephiroth tugged hard at Cloud’s hair again, “that Zackary wouldn’t be so sad if I did all those things,” before he bit down on Cloud’s shoulder hard enough to draw blood. He let Cloud scream this time, the shrill sound lighting up his nerves. He let go of Cloud’s hair and slid his hand down Cloud’s body to join around their throbbing erections.

Cloud slumped forward, and covered his face with his hands to hide something of himself while breaking into desperate, miserable crying. 

Sephiroth groaned in delight to Cloud’s delicious, heart-wrenching sobs. He lifted Cloud who seemed entirely weightless in the water, and turned him around to straddle his lap. He forced Cloud’s hands away from his face and draped them around his own neck. Then he placed his lips softly on Cloud’s, inviting the wretched sobs into his mouth. 

It took some time for Cloud to quiet himself, but eventually he started to kiss Sephiroth back, getting swept up in Sephiroth’s sordid pleasure. His tears fell silently instead, still streaming down his cheeks, his face flushed prettily in shame.

In the back of his mind Sephiroth chided himself for making Cloud cry too hard, too soon. He shouldn’t exhaust Cloud too quickly. The sooner he’d fall asleep, the longer and more intense his torturous withdrawal-dreams would be. Sephiroth knew.

For a little while they shared a passionate kiss, tender with fragile intimacy, their bodies enjoying the simple sensation of each other. Sephiroth thought that this must how lovers must spend their time together. It wasn’t very exciting, but mundanely enjoyable. Then he carefully locked that thought away. It was not for him. 

In turn, the unexpected gentleness of the kiss made Cloud think of Zack, and that made him sob again, because he knew that Zack wouldn’t be enough for him right now. That made him feel like a true monstrosity. Desperate for quick distraction he bit down on Sephiroth’s lower lip, hard enough for it to split in a deep, perfect crack. He mimicked what Sephiroth had done to him once and licked the blood from Sephiroth’s lips before leaning back. 

“You’ve had mine now. Thrice.” Cloud said, eyes shining with triumphant light-green madness.

“I have.” Sephiroth said and let his reply ring out and fill the room before he raised his hand and let it fall to slap Cloud across the cheek.

Cloud’s head turned with the blow, and then turned it back, meeting Sephiroth’s eyes with resolute defiance. Sephiroth landed another slap, so hard it had Cloud’s entire upper body turning. Though Cloud could feel his head ringing, it was a dark, pleasant, velvety ring compared to the white-hot murdering mako-withdrawal. So, Cloud turned back. He needed this, so he asked for it. The third blow had him falling off of Sephiroth’s lap, splashing backwards into the water, and for a while he couldn’t see or hear. He fumbled around in the water until he found the edge of the tub and Sephiroth’s legs. He turned his face to where Sephiroth’s face ought to be and whispered, “Thank you”. He blinked frantically at the tears burning his eyes as his vision slowly returned.

Sephiroth’s brows knit tight in a frown. He’d helped a few friends in mako-withdrawal before, but they hadn’t been as deep in it as Cloud apparently was. Well, they’d been on treatments for longer before they were put in a mako-chamber, except for himself, but he’d been so young, and he really didn’t dwell on those memories-. He sighed and lifted Cloud out of the tub, sat him on the stool and carefully dried the softly shivering blond. The right side of Cloud’s face was deeply red, the last blow having left a partial handprint with lighter, raised edges. Sephiroth traced it with a finger and then kissed it. Cloud would need healing after, but it was fine for now. He quickly patted himself down too, watching Cloud touch his own face.

“Painful?” Sephiroth couldn’t stop himself from asking, sucking his own broken lip in anticipation though he knew the reply.

“Yes.” Cloud said, meeting Sephiroth’s lusting eyes with equal hunger, as he pushed down on his own face harder to make himself wince while locking Sephiroth’s gaze.

Sephiroth abruptly dropped the towel and lifted Cloud onto his hips. His erection was hard enough to prod at Cloud all by itself. He supported Cloud with one hand on Cloud’s round and taut behind while pumping scented oil into his other from a bottle on the sink. Then he shoved two fingers harshly into Cloud while making way into the bedroom.

Cloud moaned needily into silver hair, hitched it behind one ear and murmured an invitation into Sephiroth’s ear. “Fuck me Sephiroth. Split me open.”

Sephiroth stopped at the bed but changed his mind. Instead he slammed Cloud up against the wall. He pressed his lower arm diagonally over Cloud’s upper chest which enabled him to put heavy pressure on either the neck or ribcage. He pushed another finger inside Cloud and spread them slowly to stretch Cloud open. Cloud was breathing heavily, groaning desperate in approval.

“Do you think about me fisting you?” Sephiroth asked and bit into Clouds burning cheek.

“Yes.” Cloud wheezed in pain between laboured breaths.

“Often?” Sephiroth pulled his fingers out and rubbed himself slick with whatever oil that was still on his hand.

“Yes,” Cloud said with fresh tears of humiliation and inexplicable need welling up in his eyes.

“Good.” Sephiroth smiled in satisfaction, lined himself up and forcefully shoved into Cloud. Cloud’s head banged hard against the wall from the strength of Sephiroth’s thrust, but Cloud arched his spine to meet up with him all the same. Sephiroth, however, stilled to reconsidering the pace of things, acknowledging that he was finding it unusually difficult to pace himself. He adjusted his arm in such a way that it would hamper the flow of blood in Cloud’s neck, just enough to make him a little dizzy. Then he started thrusting himself in a slow, measured pace. The oil he’d used was thinner lube or even cum, thinking it’d be suitable, being enough to keep Cloud from ripping, but enough for him to feel a little more. From the look on Cloud, it had been a good choice. 

Cloud was making a face of utter bliss, his eyes glazed over and half closed, his long blond eyelashes fluttering softly. Sephiroth noticed the hint of Cloud’s freckles for the first time. Cloud’s face was so sweet, it had an air of innocence about it that even Zack had lost at some point. He wondered if he’d ever had such an air himself. Probably not.

Cloud opened his eyes in slight confusion, feeling Sephiroth growing softer inside him. Sephiroth was looking straight at him, or through him, or anyways, he looked lost in his thoughts.

Cloud put a hand on Sephiroth’s cheek. “Let me down,” he whispered.

Sephiroth pulled out and let Cloud down without arguments. Cloud noticed Sephiroth had a look on his face that made him look ancient even though he was only into his twenties. Cloud took a few steps on the spot to make sure his legs could carry before wrapping his arms around Sephiroth, kissing his naked chest, tracing the defined muscles covered by soft skin that was interrupted by countless faded scars.

“Thank you for letting me in today” Cloud said in a steady tone, transparent with sincerity.

“I didn’t, you stepped in.” Sephiroth sounded void of emotions.

“But you let me stay. Thank you,” Cloud said and awkwardly stroked down Sephiroth’s arm, trying to give emphasis somehow. He knew he’d stepped out on thin ice, but he wanted to take the risk.

“It’s really nothing,” Sephiroth said convincingly, but he was truthfully annoyed for having to reschedule his day, and maybe tomorrow too. He’d clearly been unprepared and was making mistakes. That was way, way worse than any scheduling issues.

Sephiroth shrugged Cloud’s hand off and gestured for him to sit on the bed. He then fetched a black lacquered box which he opened and put on the bedside table. He produced a black piece of cloth, softly pulled Cloud’s hair back from his face and closed Cloud’s eyes with a light touch before tying the blindfold on. Cloud shook his head nervously but Sephiroth caught his face in his hands.

“If I can’t keep you occupied enough, you can take it off.” Sephiroth murmured, sounding calm and confident, as if he’d returned to the moment. He took Cloud’s hand and pushed one of Cloud’s fingers to the crack in his lip, making it bleed again. Then he licked Cloud’s finger and brought lips and finger together to Cloud’s mouth in a depraved kiss. Surprised, Cloud was soon whimpering with lust, thrusting his hips into nothing, not daring to touch himself without permission.

“Now you’ve had mine twice. Do you like it?” Sephiroth spoke into Cloud’s mouth and then returned to savouring Clouds finger, lips and his tongue.

Cloud gave an indistinct answer through heavy breaths and pulled at wet silver tresses to make the kiss harder, biting eagerly into Sephiroth’s lips and tongue.

Sephiroth forced a knee between Cloud’s legs and pushed it firmly into Cloud’s groin, making him move backwards to the centre of the bed. Cloud moaned helplessly, his arousal furious from the flavoured kiss and the pressure of Sephiroth knee which was threatening and agitating at once. Cloud felt a hand on his chest, pushing him down into the mattress and left him there. He could hear Sephiroth move about the room.

“You’ve come here to receive pain. Is that correct Cloud?” Sephiroth’s voice sounded severe.

“Yes, among other things.” Cloud quickly turned attentive and didn’t hesitate when he gave his answer.

“Will you let me do as I please then, within the healing capabilities of a cure?”

“Only today.” Cloud wasn’t sure that this was a good idea, but he was absolute sure he didn’t want to be anywhere else right now.

He felt Sephiroth’s hand close around his length, giving it a few generous strokes before pressing his knee against Cloud’s groin again, this time catching his balls, threatening to crush them. Cloud whined and writhed uneasily but Sephiroth was caressing his body, reassuring him.

Sephiroth finally took time to admire the bruises Cloud had received during his failed mission. There was a particularly large one across the side of his ribs, dark as a ripe plum. He traced it with his fingers and pressed down on it to make Cloud’s breath hitch. Sephiroth moved on to the next and did it again. This way he coaxed moans and cries from Cloud until he was a softly shivering, sobbing mess.

“You look like a bruised dumbapple.” Sephiroth murmured. “It’s lovely.”

Cloud could hear some rustling, something being taken out of a package, then he felt something sharp scraping against his skin, causing goosebumps rise like an alarm going off on his skin.

“What do you think this is?” Sephiroth sounded sweet, encouraging.

Cloud thought it was too manoeuvrable for a knife, too cold for fingernail… “A needle.”

“Correct. Where do you think it goes?” Sephiroth purred.

Cloud had no clue, so he stayed silent while the air crackled between them for a reason he couldn’t understand.

“I’ll give you a clue.” Sephiroth sounded so, so pleased.

Cloud heard the needle being discarded into some container before he felt Sephiroth’s biting down on his nipple while at the same time crushing his thigh into his throbbing erection. 

“No!” Cloud whimpered.

“Yes, Cloud.” Sephiroth’s voice was suddenly cold and commanding, sending chills down Cloud’s spine.

Cloud was lifted and placed knees straddling over Sephiroth’s legs.

“Make me hard.” Sephiroth placed Cloud’s hands on his half mast, and then continued to tease Cloud’s nipples with his hands, drinking in the view of Cloud fraying from nerves and arousal.

Cloud moaned softly at the command that gave him something to focus on. He placed his hands around Sephiroth’s length and stroked it up and down a few times. Feeling it harden for him gave him a sudden rush and when the impulse came to take Sephiroth in his mouth, he immediately yielded to it. He enjoyed the smoothness of it in his hands that encircling the base and against his tongue that glided down it’s length. He let the tastes of the oil and of the faint flavour of Sephiroth and himself fill his head. The taste of the perfumed oil wasn’t especially good, but it was grounding, so he enjoyed it for that. He placed his mouth on the tip and pushed down to let it pry his mouth open, pushing his lips painfully against his teeth. It didn’t take long for Sephiroth to become fully erect. Sephiroth brought his hand to Cloud’s chin to lift his head. He dragged Cloud to him by the hips and replaced Clouds hand onto his cock.

“At your leisure, soldier slut.” Sephiroth’s tone was degrading and thick with arousal.

Cloud face flushed below the blindfold with silent agreement to ‘slut’ while he lowered himself over Sephiroth, eagerly filling himself, and quickly settled into a rhythm. Cloud could feel Sephiroth shifting on the bed. There was the crunching sound of a package being opened again. He felt a cold pad against one of his nipples followed by the tip of the needle being placed.

“Still.” Sephiroth commanded.

Cloud froze, and then the needle was pushed through, causing sharp pain that radiated into his body, making it tense up and his catch in his throat. 

“Good.” Sephiroth purred and pressed himself deeper into Cloud.

Cloud heard rustling and felt a swab on the other nipple, then the sharpness of the needle before it was pierced too. In the next moment he was wrestled to his back as Sephiroth unleashed a flurry of violent thrusts, making Cloud cry out. His nerves focused too sharply on every sensation, and he was instantly overwhelmed.

Sephiroth soon slowed his pace and Cloud could hear a sound like a bottle being unscrewed. Then Sephiroth’s lips was on his, and he could feel liquid pouring from Sephiroth’s mouth into his. He soon recognized the bitter taste as a potion. The obscene force-feeding went on and made Cloud’s skin hum pleasantly with the healing effects, contrasting the sticky feeling of spilled drops and saliva running down the sides of his mouth. He touched his face, and to his disappointment the sensitivity from the blow in the bathroom was nearly gone. 

Sephiroth chuckled quietly. “Don’t worry. I’ll make new ones,” he said with hollow sweetness.

Cloud could feel swabs on his pierced nipples again, before a new sensation occupied his being. Sephiroth was twirling and gently tugging the needles in his nipples. Cloud groaned uncertainly as his body reflexively bowed in soft curves.

“I can feel you… here” Sephiroth said and grazed a finger where he entered Cloud.

Cloud moaned when Sephiroth trailed his finger to Cloud’s leaking cock and closed his hand around it. Cloud was stroked, fucked and felt one of the needles moving back and forth in his nipple, all in in the same excruciatingly slow pace. His overloaded nerves fired erratically with an intensity that perpetually bordered on pain and it quickly had him crying again.

Sephiroth was pleased, even thrilled, to see the blindfold soak through with tears, and rewarded Cloud with squeezing his cock a little harder.

“Please Sephiroth... I want more.” Cloud begged between sobs.

Cloud tried to roll his hips into Sephiroth’s hand in frustration, but this only made Sephiroth loosen his grip until he stilled again.

“I’d like to pierce you more Cloud. May I? Sephiroth’s voice was low and seductive.

“Whatever,” Cloud hissed in frustration.

“Well then…” Sephiroth purred in restrained delight.

Cloud felt a cold swab gliding up his length. A fraction of a second later he tore his blindfold off to see if he’d read the situation right. He had, he understood as he watched Sephiroth calmly unpackaging another needle and placing the needle-tip close to the base of his shaft, aiming it to shallowly pierce the skin of Cloud’s stiff and leaking cock.

“Ready?” Sephiroth asked in a husky voice looking up at Cloud, eyes steeped and dripping with lust.

Cloud looked back at Sephiroth with a mix of anticipation, horror and need, before he gave a slight nod. Sephiroth proceeded to prick the skin and push the needle through. Cloud felt the slight resistance of the skin before it broke, the strength Sephiroth exerted to push it through before the needle came out on the other side, and the unfamiliar sensation when Sephiroth twirled the needle. A dark, velvety pain spiralled around in Cloud’s body, spurred on by Sephiroth’s slow thrusting as soon as he’d finished the piercing.

“Good?” Sephiroth asked, and tugged at the needle, driving himself softly into Cloud to not invite any sudden movements.

Cloud nodded, his lips parted, his eyes glazed over and his head grew lighter and lighter. Sephiroth continued with more piercings, carefully building a ladder of needles up Cloud’s cock, always twirling the needles and burying himself deeply in Cloud, savouring the sensation of Cloud clamping down on him fervently with each new piercing. Cloud had stopped watching after the second needle, and was now laying back, taking rugged deep breaths, his eyes open but unseeing, blinded in the intense mix of sensations, his hands digging into the sheets.

Once Sephiroth was done he lifted Cloud’s legs and leaned them against his chest to get a better angle for that sweet, soft, sensitive spot. Cloud immediately whimpered when Sephiroth’s relentlessly started ramming into it. Sephiroth ran a finger along the protruding needles, causing Cloud to deliciously spasm around him. Cloud’s face quickly turned into a mess of tears, snot and saliva, sounds alternating between broken moans and silent screams.

Intoxicated by the view, Sephiroth started flicking at Cloud’s cock, slapping it lightly, intensifying the intrusive sensation from the needles. Cloud tried in vain to fix his eyes on Sephiroth through the blur of tears to understand the world that shook with violent thrusts. Finally, Sephiroth landed a hard slap across Cloud’s pierced cock which tore a proper scream from Cloud as he was thrown into spasms, shooting thick, milky, white liquid forcefully over his own chest and up over his face. Sephiroth fucked himself frenziedly into Cloud, delightfully marking the spasming tightness with his own warm cum. When he looked down at the dishevelled blond he couldn’t stop himself from laughing softly.

Sephiroth steadied Cloud’s legs as he slowly pulled out. At the sight of Cloud’s pink, swollen entrance decorated with glistening, thick, white cum he couldn't resist the urge of licking up the leaking rivulets before lowering Cloud’s legs to the mattress. Cloud whined so delectably from the embarrassment Sephiroth had to make an effort to push the thought of taking him again out of his mind. He quickly busied himself with placing soaked swabs on Cloud’s softening cock and started to pull the needles out slowly.

Cloud had hidden his face in his hands, muffling the cries from his oversensitive body, and hiding the embarrassment for the continued leaking between his legs as he struggled to stay still under Sephiroth’s touches.

Sephiroth moved on to Cloud’s nipples, and for those he had other plans. He soaked them with swabs which had Cloud looking in intense curiosity again. He produced two rings from the lacquered box.

“You can remove these later.” Sephiroth said before carefully removing the needles and sliding the rings in, locking them with two beads that had a chain running between them.

Cloud watched in fascination, feeling himself twitching involuntarily at the stimulation.

“How do you feel?” Sephiroth asked.

“Dirty.” Cloud replied with a smirk.

“…and?” Sephiroth chuckled.

“Better.” Cloud answered after a moment of contemplation, his face breaking into a tired smile. 

The memories of his failed mission were still intruding and he had a headache, but it didn’t feel as if his head would explode within the next minute. Cloud looked out the sheer curtains of the bedroom, noticing it had turned dark.

“You can stay until tomorrow. Then you can stay with Zackary. He knows you’re here,” Sephiroth said, a hint of weariness in his voice.

“He knows?” Cloud felt a lump form in his throat.

“He came by when you were in the bathroom. We had plans for tonight.”

“I see…” Cloud did his best to hide the anxiousness that was welling up for different reasons than mako withdrawals.

“He understands.” Sephiroth said, almost sounding reassuring.

“I see…” Cloud repeated while his head sank towards his chest.

Sephiroth grabbed the chain of Cloud’s piercings and gave the smallest of tugs.

“Let’s get cleaned up.” he said and gently ushered Cloud into the bathroom.

He had Cloud sit in the tub while lathering him up again. Cloud let himself listlessly be taken care of. Even when Sephiroth scraped him out he barely gave any reaction. When Cloud was rinsed, he was left sitting in the tub draped in a lush towel, and then he was carried into the bed which was made fresh with clean sheets. Sephiroth then stepped back into the bathroom to take care of himself and finish up some work before joining the sleeping beauty in his bed.

At night Sephiroth was woken several times from Cloud’s tossing and turning, but he would rest easier again when Sephiroth held him or stroked him. At one point when he was pushing the front of his body into Cloud’s back, stroking his hair to calm him, Cloud turned around.

“Apologies, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Sephiroth said quietly with a soft look on his face, clearly caught off guard.

Cloud’s eyes widened and he shook his head slowly, staring at Sephiroth in blatant wonder. As if under a spell he leaned in to give Sephiroth a slow, light, tongueless kiss. He felt like he’d tasted something forbidden, something too sweet for this world.

“The dreams, they’re bad?” Sephiroth didn’t give away any feelings about being kissed.

Cloud nodded.

“Turn around.” 

Sephiroth’s command was as soft as Cloud had ever heard it and he mindlessly obeyed. Behind him he heard a drawer being opened and closed.

Then he could feel Sephiroth spreading the cheeks of his backside, and lube being spread around his opening. A slow moment passed, and he could only hear slight wet sounds as he assumed Sephiroth was stroking himself. Cloud could only muster faint anticipation. The dreams had left him more exhausted than rested from his sleep.

He felt Sephiroth slip his tip inside, and a hand gently caressing his hair and his back, his behind and thighs. He himself couldn’t move without causing Sephiroth to slide out, so he just gave himself over to whatever Sephiroth had in mind. Slowly he could feel his body relaxing as the foul aftertaste of the dreams were being melted away by Sephiroth’s touches.

Sephiroth slowly pushed himself further inside, letting his caresses intensify too, kneading the flesh and muscles under his palm, making the skin rise in mounds in the wake of his fingernails. Cloud felt he hairs at the back of his head rising from just the right amount of pain to heighten the pleasurable sensations he was being subjected to.

When Sephiroth was all the way in, he positioned himself so that their bodies were touching all the way. Then he slowly started pulling at the chain of Cloud’s piercings and kissing, licking and nibbling at Cloud’s neck and shoulders. He never increased the speed of his thrusting much, but instead pushed Cloud up to the edge of orgasm with sweet pain from slow bites, pinching Cloud’s nipples, squeezing Cloud’s cock and twisting and pulling at the piercings. He let himself attune to Cloud’s reactions, the pleading little moans, his breathing, the twitching of his ass, cock and balls. He had Cloud spilling the first time by pressing his fingernails into the flesh of Cloud’s cock. 

He brought up his sullied hand and let Cloud lazily lick away at it while he continued his soft, incessant thrusting, enjoying the muted sound of discomfort that Cloud made, until they turned to purely reflect pleasure again. The second orgasm he coaxed from pulling the chain of the piercings. He ran his hands over Cloud’s spasming body as if soaking up the pleasure only to return it again, and again. Like this, he tore countless orgasms from Cloud, until Cloud simply fell asleep with Sephiroth still hard inside.

Sephiroth pulled himself out with great care not to wake Cloud again. When he was certain Cloud remained fast asleep, he climbed out of bed, dressed himself in a robe, and sat down at his desk, denying himself to satisfy his own desire. It was his punishment for getting so engrossed with the boy. Nothing good would come of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments always appreciated. <3


	8. P: Pick up and date prep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plot interlude where Zack picks Cloud up from Sephiroth. They share some interesting facts about Seph, talk about their relationship and Cloud prepares for date-night. 
> 
> No smut, but some light comedy. Not a very long chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am happy to announce that this chapter has been betaed by my fantastic beta-reader [Cate Sith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CateSith).

“Cloud? Cloud, you need to wake up. Zack will be here in 20 minutes to pick you up.” Sephiroth gave Cloud a soft rattle.

Cloud opened his eyes and felt his entire body scream in protest.

“Or would you like Zack to clean that dried semen off of you?” Sephiroth jabbed.

“You always say the worst things,” Cloud groaned.

“Perhaps, but today it’s just the plain truth. Can you manage a shower by yourself?”

“Yes.”

“Good. There’s some clothes laid out for you.” Sephiroth said and returned to his desk in the living room.

Cloud dragged himself to the bathroom and cursed the large tub for being so difficult to climb into. He watched his own hands move in slow motion as they traced the soap over his body. They didn’t feel like his own, but the feeling faded as if the water were washing it away. He didn’t care to dry himself off very carefully, making a watery mess on the floor. A quick check in the mirror told him that he’d been healed in his sleep. Only the damage from the failed mission remained, and two rings adorning his nipples.

Then he looked around for the aforementioned clothes. He didn’t see any. Well, he saw the laboratory trash he’d worn when he’d come neatly folded on a stool. He picked the topmost garment and to his surprise, he found it dry cleaned. He took the two-piece polyester garbage in his hands and stepped furiously into the living room, dropping them on the floor beside Sephiroth at the desk.

“Is this your idea of a joke? Who the hell does your dry cleaning so fast and in the middle of the night anyway? Do you have house elves?! Would  _ you _ like to wear your mako-chamber outfit as casuals?” Cloud spat.

Sephiroth made a little show of putting his pen down on the desk.

“Look at the shelf.”

“What shelf?”

“In the bathroom.”

Cloud went back and noticed the suddenly obvious shelf that held one outfit neatly piled on every plane. Sephiroth had followed him and was now standing in the bathroom doorway, observing. Cloud looked up at Sephiroth in confusion.

“Are they yours?”

“No. I had the house elves bring them for you.” Sephiroth said sounding dead serious.

“And that?” Cloud pointed at the laboratory trash on the living room floor.

“People keep things for different reasons. They were not mine to discard. I made a judgement call on the cleaning.”

“Oh. Thanks,” Cloud said, fleeing from his embarrassment and confusion by palming the different outfits. The fabrics were exquisite to the touch, all in subdued hues that wouldn’t call attention. They must have cost a fortune. When had Sephiroth gotten them? This was so bizarre.

He chose a grey silk t-shirt with a discreetly wider, deeper v-neck, nondescript dark blue trousers that fit like a dream and made his behind look like a ripe apple, and a soft, long dark teal cashmere cardigan so soft that it would make anyone want to touch him. From the bottom of the pile fell a tiny magenta fabric scrap. Cloud picked them up and found them to be a pair of men’s thongs. He glared furiously at Sephiroth, who only raised his eyebrows in feigned innocence as the doorbell rang.

“That’ll be Zack.”

Sephiroth closed the door behind him to leave Cloud to put the clothes on.

Zack stepped in and heard Cloud shout “SERIOUSLY?” from the bathroom. He could swear there was a smile dancing in the corner of Sephiroth’s lips.

“Hey Seph, thanks so much for taking care of Cloud. I’m so grateful.”

“Please don’t thank me. I’m not sure I did a good job.”

“Well, he’s still alive, so I’d say it’s a passing grade.” Zack said gravely, thinking of the rumours of the rather large amount of disappearing people presumably linked to mako experiments.

Cloud stepped into the living room, shooting Sephiroth another furious glance before lighting up at the sight of Zack. Though he wanted to, he refrained from throwing himself into Zack’s kind and safe arms, not wanting to make the mood any more awkward than it was. Sephiroth was as stiff as ever, and Zack was absentmindedly ruffling his hair, his most obvious nervous tell.

Cloud walked up to the front door, only to remember he’d come without shoes, keys or wallet for that matter. Before he had a chance to ask Sephiroth nodded to a brand-new shoebox standing by the front door. Cloud opened it and found a pair of thick-soled burgundy suede sneakers.

“How do you even know what size to get me?” Cloud asked as he slowly put them on.

“The elves told me?” Sephiroth said, tilting his head and raising his eyebrows innocently.

Zack looked from one to the other in amused confusion.

“Seph, your taste is impeccable. Thanks.” Zack said in genuine appreciation, positively drinking in Cloud with his eyes. Zack affectionately squeezed one of Sephiroth’s shoulders and stepped out the door, giving the others a little bit of space.

“Can I borrow that ointment that you put on my lips last time I was here? Cloud asked.

Sephiroth walked into the bathroom and walked out with a little tin in his hand and gave it to Cloud.

“Thanks.” Cloud murmured as he opened the box and carefully spread some on Sephiroth’s lips. The crack from the night had already healed, but Cloud couldn’t think of anything else to show his gratitude.

Sephiroth remained still and expressionless, like a painting. Cloud pressed the tin back into Sephiroth’s palm, trying to telepathically focus his warmth into how he returned it, though he was inwardly rolling his eyes at himself at the inadequacy of this gesture. He stepped out to the landing without looking back. As soon as the door closed behind him, Zack and Cloud grabbed each other’s hands.

“Thank you so much for picking me up. What about your work?”

“Oh, I went in this morning and cleared the afternoon. It’s noon you know.”

“Oh.” Cloud had no idea.

“I’ll have tomorrow afternoon off too, and if you feel like it, I’d really like to take you out on that date.” Zack said, noticing the air shift.

“I failed my mission. What is there to celebrate? People died, mostly because of me.”

“Hey,” Zack stopped and looked Cloud directly in the eye. “It was not your fault. I was at the debriefing where everyone agreed that your warning about the ambush gave others a fair chance. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you did really well.”

Cloud’s lips were still pressed in a stiff line of disbelief.

“We’ll talk more about it later.” Zack said and started walking them with slow steps towards his apartment again.

They spent the rest of the day watching TV and idly chatting. Cloud was finally feeling good enough for ‘normal’ distraction to keep his mind off the unpleasant mako withdrawal symptoms. At least the headaches, nausea, and horrible flashbacks from his first real combat were fading.

In the evening Zack received a phone call from Aeris which he happily picked up, walking into the bedroom for privacy. When he came back, the uncertainty caked on Cloud’s face spoke volumes.

“I’m sorry Zack. I don’t mean to make you feel guilty. It’s just… I’m too tired to hide it. It’s not your fault.” Cloud said, feeling the gloom like a crust on his skin.

“I get it. Do you want to talk about it?” Zack crept up on the sofa, settling down next to Cloud and muted the TV.

“I dunno.” Cloud groaned and hid his face in his hands, bracing himself to bring up the topic that had been lingering between them the entire afternoon.

“Do you feel bad that I went to Sephiroth, not to you?” Cloud asked through his fingers.

Zack lovingly pulled Cloud’s hands from his face, letting their fingers intertwine.

“I mean… It’s hard, right? But I also know that me and him are very different people who offer you very different things. Besides, I’m asking  _ you _ to accept  _ me _ seeing other people, so I have to ask the same of myself, right?” Zack said, with a hint of guilt in his kind and soft voice.

Cloud whined dramatically as he flopped down listlessly with his head in Zack’s lap. He only stopped his displeased noises when Zack started stroking his head. Their habits were rubbing off on each other, which made him smile.

“I asked Sephiroth for help after a mako treatment once when we were younger, but honestly he scared me a bit. He told me his first time in a mako chamber was when he was nine.” Zack paused and sighed, remembering the discomfort of that particular conversation. “Anyway, after that I went to Angeal any time I needed help.” 

He paused again and lifted his eyes to carefully meet Cloud’s gaze. Sephiroth doesn’t scare you?”

“No,” Cloud replied after a moment’s contemplation. “No, but he does make me afraid of myself sometimes.” Nine—?

“Oh no! That’s so much worse!” Zack gave a little laugh, his eyes beaming with warmth and tenderness looking down on Cloud, effectively derailing Cloud’s droning thoughts.

“Yeah! Hey, wanna see something crazy?” Cloud suddenly remembered.

“What?”

Cloud stood up and undid his pants, sliding them to his knees and held up his shirt before making an awkward— what he hoped would look comical— twirl. Zack’s mouth fell open at Cloud’s underwear: a tiny, magenta men’s thong. The entire world was drained of sound, and then made real again when they both erupted in laughter.

“It’s his idea of a joke, right? It must be?” Cloud giggled.

“He had all these outfits for me to choose from, but they all had the same thong in different hues of pink! I couldn’t believe it!”

“Really?! No way!” Zack licked his lips, “And hot.”

“Yeah, he claimed his house elves had brought them.”

Zack raised an eyebrow and Cloud shrugged, eyes still sparkling with glee.

“Next time I speak with him, I’ll make a point to ask if these were a gift to me, you, or himself. ” Zack muttered while he guided Cloud out of his pants and pulled him back down onto the sofa. 

He found a blanket on the floor and threw it over the bare-legged blonde and invited Cloud back into his lap.

“I’m gonna take advantage, either way,” Zack whispered, as if sharing a secret.

Then he unmuted the TV and let his calloused hands lazily caress over the two full, unusually exposed halves of Cloud’s backside, separated only by a soft sliver of fabric. Cloud purred and became sluggish under the affectionate touch until he dozed off to sleep.

…

Cloud woke up in Zack’s bed at the sound of the front door opening and Zack yelling cheerfully that he’d brought lunch. It was that late already? Zack stepped into the bedroom to cover Cloud’s face with small, tickling kisses.

“How’s your head?” Zack asked.

Cloud made a sudden move to pull Zack into the bed and gave him a broad, wet lick across his lips.

“Better now!” he beamed.

“Ewwww, it’s brush-your-teeth-time, chocobo-butt!” Zack’s face was plastered with a huge smile.

Zack prepared the take-out on the coffee table in front of the TV while Cloud got cleaned up. They ate in good spirits, both relieved that Cloud was feeling better.

“I got a new key card for your room. How about you go back down this afternoon, and then we go out tonight?”

Cloud seemed hesitant about the idea.

“C’mon! If you can’t celebrate your mission, at least celebrate that you made it back home. Or just let  _ me _ celebrate that you did!” Zack’s eagerness and sweet pleadings were hard to resist.

Cloud looked at Zack and felt his chest turn into some sort of greenhouse for conflicting feelings: affection, the guilt about the mission. He also felt shame for inconveniencing Zack (as well as Sephiroth, he added in the back of his mind) for being so out of it from the mako.

“Well when you put it like that…” he said, cracking a small smile.

Zack actually gave a little squeak of delight as he hugged Cloud in excitement.

“Dork,” Cloud teased, his smile widening.

“Chocobo-butt,” Zack teased back, pouncing on Cloud to kiss his silly, damp, yellow hair.

…

Cloud had to smooth-talk Zack a little, reassuring him that he was good to get to his room by himself. Cloud’s face bore a mischievous grin as he decidedly made his way to the Shin-Ra gift-shop instead. He picked up an item packaged in one of those plastic containers found inside chocolate eggs to hide children's toys.

“Date?” The woman at the counter asked, devouring Cloud hungrily with her gaze as she entered Cloud’s employment number to access his credit.

Cloud’s face was still a deep red as he went up to the Third Class accommodations in the elevator. Zack had asked him to dress nicely tonight, and he was definitely falling in line for that one.

Cloud retched when he opened the door to his room. The bathroom was in desperate need of cleaning after his ‘mako-adventures’. After cleaning he had a lie-down on his bed while contemplating what to wear. Honestly the garments he’d just received from Sephiroth were the most elegant and flattering he owned by far, but there was no way he was wearing them on a date with Zack. He opted for some black skinny jeans, a crew neck knit top and the black leather biker-jacket he’d nagged about for years before his mom had finally caved. It’d been way too big then, but now it fit just right. It’s not that he really wanted the jacket, he wanted the bike, but he’d always known that was never going to happen.

When he was dressed, he texted Zack that he was ready and looked himself in the mirror. He looked good. Muscles were building. He pulled down a little on the neckline of his top. It was just low enough to hint at the rainbow-coloured edge of a dark bruise blossoming slowly on his chest. It made him look a little rough, or something. A mark of a SOLDIER? He liked it. He laid back down on the covers, still feeling somewhat tired. It was good that they were going early, so they could finish early. Tomorrow was a workday for both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and feedback always welcome! <3


	9. C/Z: Just desserts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zack and Cloud go on their first proper date. They get carried away on the dance floor and when they leave Cloud gets and impulse to pull Zack into a dark alley for some quick gratification. Mostly superfluff, tiny bit of love-angst and a hot BJ.

Zack was knocking on the door, stepping in and closing the door behind him just to give Cloud a kiss. Zack looked gorgeous, sporting black jeans and a very nicely tailored jacket with a simple white top underneath.

“I’ve only ever seen you in uniform or like... soft pants before!” Cloud felt his pupils dilate in approval.

“Yeah, or naked.” Zack engraved the words on Cloud’s neck with lips, leaving them there to burn like embers as he tugged the blushing Cloud out the door.

Zack led them to the train platform and they took the train to Sector 5, and then rode the elevator down from the plate. They walked up to the gate to Sector 6 and Zack produced a Shin-Ra key-card and winked at Cloud before opening it. Cloud’s eyes were glowing as if he was on some big adventure.

Zack let the backs of their hands touch as he led them on through the Wall Market in Sector 6, walking past an inn, a diner, Zack pointed towards the famous brothel down the street. Cloud looked around trying to take in the new impressions. The market was bustling with all sorts of different people, some looked wealthy, some looked poor and some just looked off beat. Many were glancing their way with interest; they were certainly a handsome pair.

Zack’s was bouncing more than walking as he led them to a gym. Cloud’s face fell and he hesitated to step in. It was full of gruff-looking sweaty men inside.

“Come on!” Zack said confidently.

Zack went up to the closest guy who seemed like a regular and asked to compete for passage. He was looked up and down by the man who jokingly pinched one of Zack’s biceps before calling another guy over. Cloud squirmed, feeling out of place, having absolutely no idea what was going on. Suddenly Zack and the new guy started a squat-off. What?! Cloud didn’t know if he should laugh, cry, cheer, or roll his eyes. Naturally, he just waited in confusion, but he ended up getting sucked in, counting the squats out loud, enthusiastically cheering Zack on. Zack did love his squats, and Cloud loved that about him. The other guy caved at 42.

“Not bad,” said the guy who was wearing something that looked like an antique striped bathing suit.

They were then eyed with approval and Bathing Suit led them into a back garden that led to a separate entrance for the adjoining building. Bathing Suit generously held the door open for them, giving them a hearty welcome to “The Beauty Parlour.”

Zack immediately took Cloud’s hand and all but skipped to an empty table along the wall with a sofa. Cloud looked around the dim place. It definitely wasn’t fancy, but it was homely. It had the atmosphere of a large living room. There was a little stage, only a foot high with red velvet curtains and golden tassels framing it. The furniture was covered in mild-hued fabrics with chafed corners and the tables were beautiful but definitely out of fashion. The bar was small and there was a lady behind it wiping away while trying not to stare at them too obviously. It was mostly empty, a few people setting up on the stage though. It was only 7 pm, perhaps a little early for drinking in random backyards?

“What is this place?” Cloud asked, surprised as Zack sat so close to him, touching his hands and looking at him as if he had a secret.

“You’ll see.”

“Today is my treat, but I have one rule and one rule only! We can only have drinks and desserts!” he announced, overly pleased with himself.

Cloud had to laugh and asked shyly for a beer to start the evening off. Zack went and got it, and soon they were chatting away about stuff they’d watched on the TV, news, video games… Cloud asked about Aerith and Angeal, how they were doing. Zack grabbed Cloud’s arm and told him that they both wanted to meet him properly. Cloud blushed and felt like he’d been formally invited into Zack’s life. Then he nearly fell over on the sofa when Zack tried to kiss him, but he pulled away in reflex.

“Zack, what are you doing?” he half whispered, half yelled.

“Look around, Cloud.” happiness emanating from every syllable.

Cloud took a moment to look around now that more people had arrived. They’d been so busy talking he hadn’t really been paying attention. The first thing Cloud noticed was that there were mainly men in the locale. The women were a little bit overdressed, some very much so, to be frank. He didn’t quite get what was so special.

“Cloud, would you please get the next drink. I’d like a Comet. The tab is open.” Zack winked and added “First Class salary…”

Cloud rolled his eyes and walked up to the bar and asked for two Comets from the barmaid.

“Sure, honey.” a lower voice than expected replied. 

Cloud looked at the barmaid in mild surprise before the gil dropped. Upon closer inspection, the barmaid looked like a man in a woman's clothing. Cloud looked around at the other ladies at the bar, and he could see contoured muscles and pointy bones where there shouldn’t be any, and maybe even the occasional netting of a wig. 

The barmaid must have picked up on Cloud’s confusion and leaned over the bar and purred, “It’s called drag,” sounding very confident about the whole thing. 

Cloud blushed and his heart skipped a beat as he quickly adjusted his understanding of what sort of a place it was. The man next to him nudged his side softly.

“You’ve got a cute boyfriend over there. Is this your first time here?” a middle-aged man eyed Cloud with curiosity.

“Yeah!” Cloud blushed shyly and grabbed the drinks, making his way back to Zack.

“How did you find out about this place Zack?! Have you been here before?” Cloud whispered in curious delight.

“No! Genesis told me about it! He comes often, that camp piece of pie.” Zack could not stop his smiling.

“I wanted to come here so that I could do this…” Zack grabbed Cloud’s hands and turned them carefully in his and then kissed Cloud’s knuckles. 

Cloud stared at Zack like a tomato in disbelief. 

Zack went on “…and this.” He scooted closer to Cloud, put his hands on Cloud’s face and kissed him gently.

Cloud broke the kiss quickly and looked around embarrassed, but he couldn’t find anyone staring. Ok, the man at the bar gave him a small smile as if to cheer them on, but only in a way that he probably would for any young couple. There was nothing unusual about it. He turned his focus to Zack again.

“Oh… Zack!” Cloud sounded a bit shaky before he put Zack’s hands back on his face and leaned in, asking to be kissed again.

He was most definitely kissed again. Cloud could feel his chest expanding until he positively felt dizzy. Zack broke from the kiss in giggles and waved at the barmaid who turned around and yelled something into the kitchen. A young girl in an apron appeared at their table with a plate of chocolate dipped pieces of fruits. Cloud pulled at his friend’s cheeks.

“What?”

“Your face must get tired from all that smiling, Zack!” Cloud teased.

“Never!” he laughed and put his arm around Cloud’s waist, pulling him close enough for their bodies to touch.

“It’s weird.” Cloud said.

“No, this is normal. The outside world is the weird one.” Zack said, kissed Cloud’s forehead and offered Cloud a strawberry from his hands.

Cloud quickly overcame whatever self-consciousness he had and parted his lips for Zack’s offering and closed them purposefully over Zack’s fingers. They both grinned at each other, wordlessly agreeing that the hotness of the gesture was larger than the tackiness. Cloud offered a taste of his strawberry-tasting tongue to seal their agreement. Zack ran off to the bar and practically ordered every dessert item off the menu, and their table was filled with bite-sized plates of cakes, ice cream and fruits.

The band started playing slow-paced jazz, never too distracting to be just in the background, yet never too boring to listen to closely. Cloud and Zack talked less, instead occupying themselves with feeding each other desserts, enjoying being openly affectionate. They weren’t the only ones, and everywhere in the room other couples were flirting and being intimate too, and no one batted an eye.

“More to drink?” Zack asked as he watched Cloud lick some white frosting from his lips.

“No… I already feel like I’m drunk!” Cloud smiled a little shyly.

“We’ve only had two drinks!” Zack was laughing, completely at ease in the bar and in the situation.

“I know. It’s just so surreal. I feel like it’s too good to be true. Can mako-dreams be good? Maybe I’ll wake up from it?!” Cloud said, not knowing himself if he was joking or not.

Zack placed his hand on the thigh above Cloud’s knee and pinched.

“What?!” Cloud was caught between a flinch and a giggle.

“To let you know it’s real...” Zack said, his voice trailing off as he let his hand glide up Cloud’s thigh, stretching his fingers towards the inside of Cloud’s thigh.

Cloud’s brows lifted in surprise and his lips formed a tiny ‘o’, but any sounds were drowned out by the music and the cacophony of the increasingly busy bar. Zack leaned in to better make himself heard. Cloud’s braced himself to hear something outrageous but instead Zack asked if he’d like to dance. Cloud made a face that quickly let on that he couldn’t dance.

“Don’t worry! It’s like fighting but without swords and nicer!”

Cloud gave a nod and Zack, beaming, stood up first and waited for Cloud to take his hand before leading them to the other dancing couples who occupied some space in front of the stage. Zack took Cloud’s hands and guided them to the back of his neck, let them glide over his shoulders, down his chest, to his waist and finally to his backside while softly shifting his weight to the music.

“Your choice!” Zack explained simply while clasping his hands around Cloud’s waist, resting them on the small of his back.

Cloud let one hand drift up to the back of Zack’s neck and let one rest on Zack’s chest. He could feel the heartbeat so clearly under his hand he thought it somehow spilled over into him, infecting his body with his warmth and kindness until his body was full of it too, and then it started spilling on the floor…

“Cloud? Cloud, are you okay?” Zack pulled Cloud closer to make himself heard, even with a lower voice.

“Yeah, why?” Cloud’s voice came out unexpectedly hoarse, which made his own eyebrows rise in surprise.

“You’re crying.” Zack’s voice was so tender as he carefully wiped away a few tears, kissing Cloud’s temple and nuzzled his face against Cloud’s, letting the yellow spikes tickle his face.

“Zack… I’m so happy... I didn’t know…” Cloud let the hand on Zack’s chest slide to his back so they could close the space between them.

Zack kept kissing his temple and nuzzling his face. Cloud could feel Zack trace patterns on his back with his fingers, soft circles and floating curves. He closed his eyes and let his other senses reach out, breathing in the smell of Zack’s sun kissed skin, his breath on his cheek, his radiating body heat and the slight moisture that formed where their bodies touched. Cloud loved it all so much he could barely contain it. He could feel it overwhelming him and he didn’t know what to do, so he just let himself stay there, slowly swaying with the music and the friendly atmosphere. They stayed like that for a long time. Finally, Zack broke the compact silence between them.

“Cloud, SOLDIER life can be unpredictable. I’m so glad you came with me here. It means so much to me.” Zack’s voice was low and husky.

“Oh Zack...” Cloud mumbled.

Cloud leaned back into Zack’s hands to create some space so that he could comfortably look at Zack again. He saw that kind and sombre face and cursed himself a thousand times over. He hadn’t meant for it to happen. Zack probably hadn’t meant for it to happen. It was an inconvenience, but now he was infallibly sure. He was gravely in love with Zack. What was he going to do? What if it would ruin everything?

“You can just love me Cloud. And please let me love you back.” Zack said with a complicated expression.

“Am I that easy to read?” Cloud said as tears started falling over his conflicted smile.

“Yeah, chocobo-butt. Definitely.” Zack broke into a cautious smile, but it seemed to crack his mask, because tears started staining his face too.

“Well, aren’t we hopeless today?” Cloud let out a soft chuckle as he started wiping at both of their cheeks.

“Yeah” Zack murmured and pulled Cloud into a careful kiss.

Gods, the kiss was so new. The implications were new, the depths of it new. It had to be kept short or the world might implode.

“Wow” Cloud breathed.

“Yeah…” Zack said in a low tone.

“Soooo… basically upgraded to ‘lovers ++ level 8’?” Cloud said, trying a light tone, but really, he needed to hear it.

“Yeah.” Zack leaned down to close his lips over Cloud’s again.

It was a needy kiss, quickly followed by needy hands and needy bodies pressed together on the dance floor. They stood there trying to fill each other’s needs by pressing into each other hard enough to merge, but sadly it didn’t seem to be working. When they really couldn’t pass for ‘dancing’ any longer they moved back to the table and grinned over the melted ice cream.

Cloud dipped a finger in the melted vanilla and offered it to Zack who licked it with agonizing sluggishness. In turn, Zack mouthed “open” to Cloud to place a square piece of red melon in his mouth, letting the back of his fingernail scrape against Cloud’s upper teeth, and then the pad of his finger brushed Cloud’s lower lip as he pulled his hand back. Cloud held Zack’s gaze in a challenge as he bit down on the fruit, deliberately letting the melon juice spill over his lip and down his chin. Zack’s mouth fell open and his eyes glazed over as he shifted uncomfortably on the bench next to Cloud.

Their interactions now carried a different charge. Not the friendly, warm familiarity that they had previously, but something explosive. Cloud put a grape between his lips and then suggestively pushed it in with his finger, forcibly parting his lips with it until it disappeared in his mouth. Then he leaned into Zack for a kiss, and passed the grape over with his tongue, caressing Zack’s throat as he started chewing, following the caress up with kisses. Cloud’s hand trailed down over Zack’s chest, stomach, midriff and thigh where it started massaging suggestively.

“Cloud..?” Zack was completely speechless.

“Zack,” Cloud murmured in Zack’s ear, hinting at a moan, “I want to leave now.”

Clouds lifted all his fingers except one from Zack’s thigh, he let the last finger scrape over the groin of Zack’s jeans. Zack quickly grabbed Cloud’s hand, lifted it away and stood up, looking around for their jackets.

“I’ll ask them to salvage what they can of the desserts and put them in a box. You settle the tab” Cloud laughed as he helped the suddenly very clumsy Zack with his jacket.

They both took a few deep breaths of night air when they stepped into the little backyard. People were arriving now in a steady stream; the night was still young. They were greeted with friendly faces as they passed through the gym, and bathing Suit asked Zack to return for a rematch soon.

They slowly walked through Wall Market, discreetly letting their hands touch, not noticing their feet touching the ground, the crunching shards of glass, the sharp metal junk threatening to tear at their shoes, the smell of garbage dumped in the streets or the gloom from the plate obscuring the sky.

Cloud suddenly turned to Zack and gave him a mischievous smile, grabbing his hand and dragging them into a poorly lit back-alley.

“What—”

Cloud didn’t give Zack a chance to speak as he simply dropped the box of desserts and slammed Zack against a grimy wall, pushing his own body up against Zack and kissed him passionately. Zack eagerly parted his lips, letting Cloud invade him with his sweet-tasting tongue. Cloud’s hands were impatiently touching all over Zack, clawing over the fabrics of his clothes, soon undoing the buttons of his jacket, sliding his hands in under the hem of his shirt.

“Cloud…” Zack complained feebly while grinding his hips into Cloud’s, incapable of keeping them still.

Cloud had hitched his shirt up, trailed his cheek with kisses, let his teeth graze down Zack’s outstretched neck between tantalizing sucking until his mouth was on bare chest.

“Cloud… there’s windows…” Zack let up a guttural groan as he felt Cloud’s mouth softly enclosed around his nipple and drew it into his mouth.

Cloud let the nipple go with a loud kissing sound.

“Best give a good show then.” Cloud’s voice was steeped in unrestrained lust, burning Zack’s skin where his lips touched while speaking.

Cloud’s words went straight to Zack’s head, washing over him like a bucket of ice, chilling him first, only to let the heat return with vengeance. He felt Cloud’s hands clawing up his thighs, getting caught in the folds of his jeans only to cup his growing hardness momentarily before they were undoing the belt and the button. The zipper seemed to send vibrations through his entire body as it was pulled down. 

Cloud straightened himself while letting his hand shape around Zack’s hardness on top of his underwear. He pressed his own crotch against the back of his hand and let his hips softly add weight to the touch. Cloud let his lips trace along Zack’s jawline, enjoying the feel of Zack’s heavy breath stirring his hair.

“Cloud… you’re so—” Zack’s voice was rugged, but he wasn’t given a chance to finish his sentence.

“I want you, Zack.” Cloud felt as if he’d never meant anything else as much in his entire life. “I want you so much.”

Cloud flicked his tongue slowly between Zack’s lips while shrugging off his leather jacket and dropping it at their feet. Then he slid himself down against Zack, dropping to his knees. Zack felt his hair getting caught in the rugged texture of the wall behind him, his back arching off it into Cloud. His head was spinning, his eyes blindly focused on the frosted window that lit the spot where they were standing. Flashes of his previous sexual encounters were flickering in his mind, there were a lot of them, but he couldn’t remember ever being so powerless to resist someone’s touch before. He was flinching helplessly as Cloud dragged his finger along the waistband of his boxers, and his breath was stolen entirely when Cloud tugged them down.

“Cloud you can’t… I won’t last....” 

Cloud reached the tip of his tongue to the tip of Zack, right at the opening, letting the large pearl disperse upon contact.

“Then don’t.” Cloud formed the words with slow deliberation, forming them against Zack’s hardness, twitching eagerly in response.

Cloud kept his lips parted, touching Zack’s head, letting the tip of his tongue dip down on the taught skin in barely existing stimulation. He let the fingertips of one hand touch the tender skin around Zack’s base, let them trail down over the balls, gently stroking the soft flesh of Zack’s perineum. His other arm was wrapped around Zack’s thigh, encouraging the shivering body to stay upright, hand resting on the slowly contracting muscles of Zack’s backside.

Cloud could feel how close Zack was, his head swimming with the power of being able to steer Zack’s pleasure, to hold it back, or to push him over the edge, exactly as he wanted. Cloud could hear the desperation of Zack’s restrained moans, which soon became muffled. Zack was covering his own mouth with one hand and nestled the other in Cloud’s hair, affectionately grabbing it in a loose fist, appreciating its damp texture between his fingers. He wasn’t pushing Cloud’s head in any way, he’d long since relinquished all efforts to control the situation, and why wouldn’t he? Cloud had already shattered his understanding of feeling good. He just let himself exist in the indulging sensations Cloud was generously spoiling him with.

Cloud was now ever so carefully wrapped around the base of Zack’s head, slowly letting his mouth and tongue close up around it. The hand on Zack’s backside was slowly trailing the way between the cheeks, and Cloud held his mouth completely still when the pad of his finger reached Zack’s twitching entrance.

“Cloud…” Zack’s voice was a rich mix of desire, begging, affection and admiration.

“Mmmm” Cloud hummed in absolute contentedness, letting the soft vibrations transfer to Zack’s throbbing erection.

Cloud carefully dragged his lips off of Zack, while slowly teasing Zack’s rim. Zack was like a high-strung bow, resonating with his smallest touches, flinching at every new kind of sensation.

“Come for me, Zack.” Cloud whispered, his words filling the air back-alley with the promise of release.

Cloud wondered how Zack’s cries would sound like if he wasn’t covering them up, as he wet his lips and replaced them around Zack while pushing the tip of his finger inside Zack’s twitching hole. He firmly pushed Zack’s pulsating cock against the roof of his mouth with his tongue. Then he started easing himself up and down Zack’s shaft in gradually increasing strokes. His free hand found Zack’s balls and fondled them carefully.

Cloud could feel the muscles of Zack’s legs and ass tensing up, his opening clamping around the tip of his finger and his balls contracting. Cloud slid his mouth along Zack’s entire length and when he felt the cock hit the back of his throat, he tightened around it as hard as he could. The hand on Cloud’s head finally pushed down as a muted, dragged out, hoarse scream let up as Zack violently jolted and poured himself into Cloud. The time seemed to slow around them, until it finally sped up again, the pressure on Cloud’s head released, and Cloud slowly slid soft lips off of Zack.

Zack pulled his pants and underwear up and folded over and draped heavy, shaking arms around Cloud.

“That was the single most erotic experience in my life.” he said, breathless.

Cloud lifted his face and looked at his lover’s, streaks of tears lingering over a beautiful pink flush, his face shattered but still full of heavy lust. He wiped his hands on his pants before running his them through Zack’s messy hair. Just then a blind was lowered in the window of the second floor across from them, and Zack looked up, seeing someone walking away into the flat. He quickly turned his gaze back to Cloud, looking mortified, before seeing the amused and unabashed expression on Cloud’s face.

“Do you think they liked it?” Zack broke into a wide smile.

“I don’t think they’ll ever see better.” Cloud said with full conviction as he stood up slowly, pulling Zack with him into a tight embrace.

“I think you might be right.” Zack voice was thick, and his body was still quivering, clinging on to Cloud.

Cloud didn’t wait for Zack to come down entirely from his high before he pulled Zack into a passionate kiss, letting him taste himself as their tongues intermingled, Cloud whining softly into Zack’s mouth.

“Gods, Cloud! You’re just made out of sex today. I can’t-”.

“Mmm, you can’t keep up?” Cloud mumbled between kissing and placed Zack’s hands in under his top.

Zack grinned at the challenge and traced his hands up over Cloud’s chest until he froze, having reached the nipples. He then hurriedly hauled the hem up to expose Cloud chest. The metal rings piercing Cloud’s nipples gave a dull glare in the dim light and Zack inhaled sharply.

“Sephiroth?” he said under his breath.

“Yeah…” Cloud smiled, a little embarrassed.

“Just… too fucking gorgeous.” Zack mumbled and lifted Cloud up high on his waist, all weariness gone, as if it’d never been there in the first place.

Cloud wrapped his legs around Zack and leaned back, arching his back to offer his chest to Zack’s fevered kisses. 

“More… Here?” Cloud asked between quick and shallow breaths.

“I don’t know… I can’t think. Can you?”

“I can only think about one thing.” Cloud said and squeezed one of his hands on top of Zack’s over his pleasantly accessible butt.

“No?! Seriously?!” Zack couldn’t help himself laughing.

“Mmmm” Cloud just hummed as he pried his tongue intrusively into Zack’s mouth and squeezing his legs harder around Zack.

“You’re impossible Cloud. No one human being can possibly be this hot. Are you secretly like a sex-demon-summon-type-being? What the hell?!” Zack had to break away from the kiss to catch his breath and collect himself.

Cloud laughed and kissed Zack playfully first on the corners of his mouth and then all over his face. 

“We could go to the brothel… rent a room?” Zack mumbled.

“But the poor people upstairs?” Cloud shot a glance at the dark window across the alley.

“I think they’ve seen enough?” Zack laughed again and let Cloud slide down.

“Yeah…” Cloud said with lingering affection. “Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been lovingly betaed, renamed and otherwise improved by the help of [Cate Sith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CateSith).


	10. C/Z: Love hotel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zack and Cloud go to the brothel to rent a room for the night. They have cute, fluffy, hot sex. Zack tops Cloud for the first time. It's just your basic smut.

Cloud picked up the box with desserts, Zack waved goodbye to the dark window for good measure and they made their way mostly in silence towards the brothel. The air between them was heavily charged as if the back alley-adventure had spurred their lust for each other rather than quenched it. They let their hands brush against each other, and it was enough to make the air crackle between them, stealing glances of each other, always finding the other with some variation of a smile across their face.

When they were getting closer Zack thought it might be a good idea to give a short introduction to where they were going.

“Shin-Ra has this unofficial event going on there yearly. One of the executives is obsessed with the play ‘Loveless’ and insists to play it out with other employees every room. I guess they chose the brothel for.. safety reasons? Modesty reasons? I don’t really know. Anyway, it’s been going on for as long as I’ve been at Shin-Ra as far as I know.”

“A play? That’s what they do?!” Cloud giggled.

“Yeah well... idiots in high places you know… Shin-Ra is no exception. Idiots and weirdos…” Zack turned pensive before giving Cloud one of his sunny smiles.

“I see.”

It really wasn’t far from the gym. Less than ten minutes? Cloud couldn’t tell, his mind too occupied with Zack.

“So… please don’t be alarmed at all the cute girls throwing themselves at you” Zack winked at Cloud as they turned a corner and came up to a building with the sign ‘Honey Bee Inn’ on it.

Rightly a few cute girls dressed in bee-costumes were quickly crowding them outside the building, chattering about the services, drinks and rooms available. Cloud turned immensely uncomfortable and all but hid behind Zack, while Zack confidently but politely brushed them off as he walked in. There was another usher at the door who had quick and hushed dialogue with Zack before they were let in.

“You normally need a membership card but I just showed my Shin-Ra licence and pulled some bullshit.” Zack whispered quietly while they were walking up to the desk.

Cloud let his hand brush along Zacks arm, needing to show his appreciation somehow. Was there anything Zack couldn’t do? And he was so confident and friendly all the time… Cloud swooned.

Zack went to sort out the room while Cloud looked around in curiosity. The lobby with the desk was done in an old outdated fashion, all painted with yellow fake marble, looking peach under red light from the lamps. There was a large screen above the desk, introducing some of the ‘popular girls’ with photos, quotes and short biographies. On the walls were rates and services, but some of the services were vague. Something about assisted baths, group bathing and-

“Come on.” Zack called as already being led up the stairs by one of the Honey Bee girls.

All the rooms on the third floor seemed to be for rent. The girl showed them to number 37 and left them with a meaningful wink. They stepped in, finding another room painted in fake marble, granted, different textures of marble on floors, walls and ceiling. In one end of the room was a large circular bed with a strange green floral cover and some drawers, and on the other side of the room was an open, tiled into the floor bathtub and a sink with a large heart-shaped mirror. Heavy curtains framed the door and the windows and dimmable inbuilt ceiling lamps gave a yellow light. It wasn’t awful, but quite worn down and very tacky.

Cloud waked around the room, familiarizing himself and Zack followed him around like a puppy, curiously looking for things that sparked interest in his new lover. 

“Bathtub but no toilet?” Cloud’s eyes were sparkling with amusement.

“Yeah I saw it down the hall.” Zack chuckled.

Cloud opened the drawers to find condoms, lube and packaged toys. Zack snuck his arms around Cloud’s waist and squeezed to communicate his interest. Cloud looked gave Zack a questioning look and Zack pursed his lips lightly and tilted his head in affirmation, but Cloud just shut the drawer again.

“Actually, I have something for you.” Cloud said.

“Oh?” Zack’s interest was easily peaked.

“Yeah, in my pants.” Cloud said with intentional, smug vagueness.

Zack stood in front of Cloud and started to go through his pockets, happy for any excuse to paw at Cloud’s body. He cupped and squeezed at the taut rounds of Cloud’s backside which made Cloud affectionally push himself against Zack, letting up an appreciative little hum. Zack then walked around to Cloud’s back, sliding his hands into Cloud’s front pockets, playfully clutching at the curves he could find while burrowing his face into the nape of Cloud’s neck. Zack found a small package of lube which he held up in triumph, thinking that he must have found ‘it’.

Cloud smiled mischevously and turned his head for a sloppy, dirty, wanton kiss that made the air crackle with lust between them and left them both with hearts pounding rapidly. Cloud reluctantly tore away from it and bent over to take off his shoes while Zack gripped Cloud’s lovely ass again. Cloud turned around and started undoing his pants.

“Actually…” he looked at Zack with cheeky, sultry, heavy lidded eyes.

Then he slowly eased his pants down to reveal a pair of grey V-shaped briefs with a Shin-Ra logo print. They didn’t fit very well, were loose in the wrong places and it looked like they could only just contain the parts underneath. They had a traces of a wet stain, a testimony of Cloud’s arousal at their back-alley adventure. Zack dropped his jaw and Cloud was still smiling as if he had a secret. He bent down to step out his pants entirely and turned around to present his backside, the cheeks of his ass deliciously exposed, divided only by a thin strip of grey. He was wearing a pair of ‘Shin-Ra’ women’s thongs: they didn’t have men’s in the gift shop. He’d made a mental note to leave a complaint about that in the suggestion box.

“Cloud…” Zack groaned in a husky voice.

“Hmm?” Cloud was faking innocence, but he couldn’t really hide his delight at Zack’s reaction very well.

“Cloud…” Zack’s voice now thick with adoration and desire.

Cloud could hear Zack kicking off his shoes and then a little thud as Zack dropped to his knees, and then his hands and lips were burning on those naked cheeks. Cloud twisted his upper body to run his hand through Zack’s hair which made Zack look up from his acts of worship to Cloud’s ass.

“… for me?” Zack repeated as if he couldn’t quite believe his own senses.

“Mmm yeah, I saw how you were looking the other day, but I wasn’t feeling well… and so I thought…” he gave Zack a suddenly shy smile and colour rose in his cheeks.

Zack let his hands run up Cloud’s thigs, noting appreciatively that the muscles were more compact now that a month ago, kissed the creases where legs turned to cheeks and ran his finger under the edge of the fabric. Then his touches were retraced with adoring kisses and unintelligible things of endearment were whispered into Cloud’s smooth, milky skin. Then he put his hands on Cloud’s hips to turn him over, and repeated the worship on Cloud’s front side, now and then kissing and stroking over the stain which was now growing larger and darker again. Cloud stood humming and breathing with Zack’s touches, hands lazily resting on Zack’s head, absentmindedly playing with silky, dark locks of hair.

Zack’s kissing turned more and more eager, tracing with his tongue under the edge of the fabric, letting it skim Cloud’s balls and tease the tuft of golden pubes. He pulled Cloud’s top off and led Cloud to lay on the bed stomach down, propping large pillows to raise Cloud’s chest. Zack fetched the carton of desserts, placed it on the bed and stroked over Cloud’s beautiful back and ass, taking in the rise and fall of Cloud’s body with his hands. Zack then spread some flavoured filling on the top of Cloud’s ass, before licking it off slowly, eagerly savouring the taste mingling with the taste of Cloud’s skin. Cloud smiled like a dork into his folded arm, giggling at Zack and his silly ideas until he felt the hot of Zack’s tongue licking his skin on fire and thought that maybe it wasn’t that silly at all. Next Zack took out a grape and placed on the dip of Cloud’s lower back before he closed his lips around it and sucked on Cloud’s skin as he took the grape into his mouth, always touching Cloud with burning hands.

“Take them off.” Cloud whispered, having spilled out of the underwear, feeling them shifting uncomfortably against his hardness.

Zack took the Shin-Ra thong off and played on, marking Cloud’s back and ass with pretty, red kiss marks, roused from Cloud’s breathing getting faster and more ragged. Cloud’s hips rolled into the bed accompanied by little sounds of growing frustration. Zack took a rather large and piece of red melon and placed it on Cloud’s ass and watched with great satisfaction as Cloud whined adorably with a drop of juice trailing it’s way to the crevice leading to Cloud’s entrance. He placed his lips around the piece of melon and bit into the flesh, scraping the melon up with his teeth before letting his tongue chase the drop of juice. Cloud groaned impatiently and rubbed himself against the mattress.

“I.. I prepared earlier…” Cloud twisted around to catch a glimpse of Zack.

“You…. Prepared…” Zack lifted his head and spoke while chewing at the piece of melon. The sound lent itself as illustrating the wheels turning in Zack’s head.

The comic effect made Cloud laugh and their eyes met. Cloud could literally see how the realization of what he meant dyed Zack first in surprise, then something that resembled mortification, and then there was only desire. It exuded from more than his eyes: it was as if his entire body emitted it, in the small movements of his muscles, the way he kept chewing, the way he swallowed the melon down. It stole Cloud’s breath away. Zack turned his eyes from Cloud’s, to his own hand, cupping Cloud’s ass, fingers half buried in the crevice. He carefully eased his hand closer to Cloud’s opening until the pad of his middle finger was resting against it.

“Here?” He looked up at Cloud with eyes so heavy with lust Cloud wondered if he could actually see anything.

“Yeah…” Cloud replied but it sounded like a plea.

Zack skimmed his finger over Cloud’s opening before removing his hand. He quickly removed the carton of desserts from the bed and all but tore his own clothes off while walking around the bed to give Cloud a blistering kiss, greedily tasting Cloud’s tongue. It didn’t last too long: Zack had other plans. 

“So sweet…” Cloud murmured, leaving his tongue in Zack’s mouth for as long as he could when Zack moved away.

“Yeah…” Zack said with a goofy smile flickering through all that sticky want.

He gave Cloud another lingering peck before climbing back onto the bed between Cloud’s legs, gently nudging them open. Zack found another large pillow and lifted Cloud’s hips easily to shove it underneath.

He slowly caressed the back of Cloud’s legs, carefully kissed and licked the back of his knees and let his fingers trail up along the inside of Cloud’s legs. It seemed that the soft skin of the inside of his thighs would lead him to heaven, and his face flushed red with his thoughts that raced ahead.

“So beautiful…” Zack mumbled in awe as he paid attention to the spots which produced little moans or sharp breaths, enjoying how a blush from excitement appeared, tinting Cloud’s skin in patches of soft pink.

Zack was soon folded over, kissing the small of Cloud’s back while kneading at his ass, doing his best to not rush things even though his desire was wildly tearing at him.

Cloud was leaning into Zack’s touches, grateful that Zack was taking his time so that he had the chance to keep up with all the new sensations. After all, he’d never had sex quite like this before. Zack always gave of his own body so generously when they’d been together so far, and he wanted to give of himself too. In a way with Sephiroth, he’d only been taken. He’d read up on the etiquette of men having sex together, and he’d had to digest it for quite a while before being ready to try it with Zack. He’d tried a few cleaning and stretching routines when masturbating to make sure he was ready. Now it felt so right. He felt safe with Zack.

Cloud could feel Zack’s hands spreading his cheeks apart and his kissing make way to the opening, where he kept on licking, gently sucking and teasing Cloud’s twitching little puckered hole. It was as if Zack could sense Cloud’s hesitation, because he raised Cloud’s lower body to his knees, threw the pillow on the floor and started mumbling unintelligible encouragement into Cloud’s skin. Zack kissed a fresh trail back to Cloud’s entrance while taking Cloud’s twitching and leaking cock with his hand. It seemed to put Cloud at ease because he quickly started humming and offering small wordless pleas for more.

“Zack… feels so good…” Cloud mumbled.

“Good.” Zack murmured engrossed and pressed the tip of his tongue into Cloud, drawing a low groan.

Cloud felt like was drenched in the richness of Zack’s touches. The slickness of Zack’s tongue was sometimes teasingly prodding him, sometimes caressing him, sometimes teasing what Zack had sucked into his mouth. It was drowning Cloud and at the same time leaving him wanting more.

“Please Zack… come inside.” Cloud pleaded horasely.

Zacks hands gave a reassuring squeeze where they were before they left Cloud’s body to find lube. Cloud’s entrance was thoroughly slicked before Zack pressed a finger inside and returned to the stroking of his cock. Zack curled his finger gently downwards, easily finding that sweet spot and started kneading it gently.

“Aaah, feels weird… toilet?” Cloud whined between heavy breaths.

“It’ll pass. Just focus on relaxing.” Zack answered lovingly and kissed Cloud’s tailbone and put a little bit more focus on stroking Cloud’s cock for distraction.

They stayed like this a long time, Zack patiently pressing, circling and stroking in different ways and combinations, letting Cloud ride the sensations before pressing another finger in.

“Feeling ok?” Zack asked, knowing what the answer would be, but still wanted to have the verbal confirmation. 

“Zack… so much better than ok.” Cloud laughed “I didn’t know it could feel this good!”

“Right?!” Zack fell into Cloud’s laughter and lovingly kissed the pretty pink-tinted ass.

Zack smiled, thinking that he loved their communication. Cloud was so easy to talk to. He loved the openness between them, even in a situation like that which could potentially be so loaded with… stuff that made it hard to talk. He thought their talking made their sex so much better, so much more intimate. He wanted Cloud so very much in every aspect, so much so that it was positively excruciating. Zack looked down on his lover and reminded himself that he had him, and he thought his chest might burst with happiness. He had to reach down and expel his happiness with something, so in lack of options he peppered Cloud’s ass with kisses.

“Zack,” Cloud was panting heavily, his voice dry and cracking when he said “I want more.”. 

“Are you sure?” Zack was over the moon that Cloud was enjoying himself, but he wanted to be sure that they weren’t overdoing anything.

“Yes. I’ve been practicing… I’m sure.”

Zack had already been surprised so many times that night, so he resigned and laughed a warm hearty laugh.

“Cloud… you’re just too wonderful. I can’t believe you.” Zack let go of Cloud’s cock and slipped a third finger inside, just to make sure that Cloud wasn’t being swept up in the moment.

Cloud had long since forgotten the impulse to use the toilet and had slowly gotten used to the unfamiliar sensations, enjoying the newfound pleasures of his body. Zack pushed his fingers more intensely, and carefully spread them apart.

“That feels fucking amazing, Zack.” Cloud was spelling out the syllables with emphasis, leaving no room for doubts.

Zack pulled his fingers out and went to find condoms, but Cloud stirred and stopped him.

“I want to feel you directly Zack.”

“But… the mess?” Zack said, a little confused.

Cloud shrugged and bent down to wrap his lips around Zack to tease and to show his willingness. It seemed to blow all of Zack’s last hesitation aside because he went rock hard within seconds and quickly put his hands on Cloud’s face to signal for him to stop.

“You’re a little overwhelming for me today Cloud, sorry.” Zack gave an uncharacteristic, embarrassed smile.

Cloud giggled, feeling proud that he could entice such excitement in Zack and wrestled him down to his back and threw himself on top.

“I’m so happy Zack!” Cloud said and kissed Zack’s face.

“Me too!” Zack laughed and scrunched up his face in a shy grin, playfully averting his face from the kisses.

Cloud sat up straddling Zack, grabbed his leaking cock and lined it up with his entrance. He made the it slick by letting it rub over his lubed up ass a few times, making Zack’s breathing stutter. Cloud closed his eyes and let himself slowly sink down on of Zack, focusing on relaxing and breathing out slowly, engraving the sensations carefully into his memory. He wanted to remember everything about that night. He had difficulties wrapping his head around how good everything felt, so he stayed a moment like that, just feeling. When he opened his eyes to meet Zack’s he found them in a complicated mix of craving, concern and adoration.

“Please! I’m a SOLDIER too you know!” Cloud mocked in a challenge.

Spurred on by his own words he teasingly started moving himself up and down Zack’s shaft, watching triumphantly as Zack’s expression shift into undiluted lust. Zack’s hands found Cloud’s hips, letting them lift and push down with Cloud’s rhythm. Cloud clasped his hands on Zack’s arms and let his head roll back in bliss. Zack still felt like his chest was being crushed with his burning need for Cloud so he impatiently sat up and swung the legs over the edge of the bed, so that he could feel more. Zack’s world melted away with Cloud’s scent, warmth and the spikey hair always tickling. His hearing was filled with the loving noises Cloud was making and the breath on his skin, until he realised he was already at the edge of release.

“Cloud-” Zack tried to call for a break, but Cloud might have been a step ahead.

Instead of stopping Cloud planted his lips on Zack, quickly putting an end to any protests. He let one hand grip the hair at the base of Zack’s head, making sure he couldn’t pull away. Instead Cloud pushed their mouths harder together, forcing Zack’s attention. He let his free hand tease one of Zack’s sensitive nipples and clamped down over Zack as hard as he could.

Zack snapped from Cloud’s overbearing provocations and suddenly stood up to pin Cloud up against the closest wall he could find. Within a handful of powerful thrusts, he let up a deep groan from within his chest and poured himself into Cloud who relentlessly bit down on his tongue as his cock twitched fiercely.

When Zack had stilled, Cloud wrapped his arms around Zack’s neck and tenderly ran his tongue against Zack’s as if to soothe it from the bite. Zack was laughing into the kiss while he took a firm grip around Cloud to carry them back to the bed where he carefully sat down.

“Cloud…” Zack murmured.

“Zack…” Cloud mimicking Zack’s tone before they both broke out in laughter and hugged each other tightly.

“Aren’t you supposed to go soft now?” Cloud asked and playfully bit into Zack’s shoulder.

“Hmm, perks of a SOLDIER body?” Zack shrugged with a dorky smile. “Why, do you want to stop?”

“We could just keep going? Have you been holding out on me?!” Cloud tried to feign indignation but broke into giggles instead.

“We can. I just don’t want to overwhelm you, and it’s not as if you ever left me unsatisfied… You know that, right?” Zack chose to elaborate even though it wasn’t quite the sexiest conversation he could think of. 

“Yeah, that after-sex-grin of yours really says it all!” Cloud murmured against Zack’s ear, and then went on to tickle it with the lightest of kisses and bites which made Zack chuckle and wince.

“Mmmm feels good when you move.” Cloud whispered softly.

“Yeah?” Zack spread his hands under Cloud’s ass and with ease slowly lifted and eased him down, letting him ride passively.

“Yeah...” Cloud purred and leaned his head back, closing his eyes and focusing on the sensation of Zack coming in and out.

Everywhere in his body joy and warmth seemed to erupt at opening up for Zack, for letting him share it. Every time Zack pulled out Cloud had an urgent impulse to have Zack back inside, deeper, harder, more.

“Can we move? I want to try something else.” Cloud mumbled.

“Sure… but the mess?”

“I want to feel it pouring out of me.” Cloud whispered as if telling a fantastic secret, before he sloppily licked Zacks ear, alluding to all the wet things in the world.

Zack groaned while growing harder with the sly jab. Cloud raised himself off of Zack and reached his feet to the floor. He turned around and placed his legs wide apart, wiggled his hips playfully, leaning forward just enough to make Zack’s cum pour out in a few thick white trails along the inside of his thighs.

Zack laughed, resigned to Cloud’s playful sexiness and leaned his forehead on Cloud’s firm, well rounded, wonderful ass, trailing a finger in thick white fluid, soaking it before letting it slide inside, drawing a deeply satisfied groan from Cloud. Zack took a moment to explore Cloud’s inside walls which had become soft and sodden in sperm. Zack found his mind bogging at the almost distressingly debauched image.

“Is this what you had in mind?” Zack said in a husky voice before letting his teeth sink into Cloud’s ass, pressing down on a sweet spot he found.

“No!” Cloud half laughed and half whimpered at the sting of Zack’s bite.

“Then what?” Zack asked, trailing cum-soaked fingers over Cloud’s balls and blowing on them for a chilling effect.

Cloud could only manage a muffed moan as he bit his lip, trying to hide that his stunt had somewhat backfired. With a deep breath he collected his scattered willpower and stepped forward, easing Zack out.

“Bed please.” Cloud said in a low voice.

Zack laid himself on the bed, looking Cloud dead in the eyes as he licked his fingers intricately in retaliation. He looked like he was licking off the nectar of gods. A smug smile crept him when he clearly saw Cloud’s inner struggle about what to do next, at least one option probably entailing devouring him whole.

Zack’s eyes seemed to have their own gravitational field when he made an audible little popping noise when from slipping his fingers out of his mouth. Cloud froze a moment to watch, and then he collected himself to straddle Zack again, this time with his back facing forward.

Zack drew an eager breath when Cloud was preparing to take him again. He watched Cloud sinking down with great pleasure, the slim but strong body softly winding in careful, deliberate movements. He felt like he’d never seen anything as beautiful, but he bit his lip not to say anything to that effect out loud. He knew it wasn’t a rare feeling for him, but it was non the less brilliant.

When Cloud had filled himself up, he slowly leaned back, laying himself out on top of Zack, reaching for Zack’s hands to wrap them around himself in an invitation to be touched.

“This is what you wanted?” Zack’s lips were tickling sweetly into the tender spot behind Cloud’s ear.

“Yeah…” Cloud purred blissfully while Zack’s hands stroked broadly along the length of his chest.

Zack quickly went heady with the potency of Cloud’s pleasured sounds, the feel of his skin, the weight of his body everywhere. Cloud’s hands were guiding Zack’s eagerly, and quiet little pleading moans and whimpers made him seem almost desperate. Zack struggled to not push himself wildly into Cloud, wanting to delay their release as much as possible.

Cloud placed Zack’s hands on his nipples, reminding him of the rings piercing them. Zack happily started to examine the hard, perky buds while paying close attention to Cloud’s reactions. He enjoyed the feel of hard metal contrasting Cloud’s fevered skin and traced the circular shape around the them. He lifted the rings up, sliding them back and forth and gently pulled them which made Cloud cry out deliciously and clench down hard around him.

“Does it feel different than before?” Zack asked in a low voice, his hips starting to drive himself more urgently into Cloud.

“Yeah…” Cloud answered with a breathy moan and thought that everything felt different with Zack.

Zack let one hand stay with the piercings while he placed the other one on Cloud’s hip, looking for an angle that would better hit Cloud’s sweet spot. Soon Zack was slowly and precisely pushing himself against Cloud’s prostate, moving his hands to firmly comb though Cloud’s blond locks, while letting the other close around Cloud’s leaking cock to stroke it agonizingly slow.

Cloud’s mind was becoming increasingly hazy in the intensely pleasurable sensations Zack granted him. He could sense the incredible power surging through the body moving below him in a way that he hadn’t before. In a fleeting thought he realized that he’d be beaten into a pulp if Zack would come at him full strength. It made the significance of the generosity of Zack’s loving, careful touches even more profound.

“Zack…” Cloud uttered his lover’s name in a pleading prayer.

“Mmm?” Zack sounded way too unhurried.

“Please…” Cloud’s voice was drenched in unsated pleasure, making him sound as if he was pleading for his life.

Zack put his hands firmly on Cloud’s hips to steady him while he started pushing himself forcefully inside, making sure to hit the prostate with every thrust until Cloud was reduced to a shivering mess. Cloud wailed and grasped for breath, digging his hands into Zack’s arms to keep himself together. Zack slowed down with some otherworldly force of will, and let his hips sink down into the mattress, moving his hands to stroke lightly over Cloud’s face and hair, letting him come down from the edge of release.

When Zack’s fingers traced Cloud’s lips they parted and greeted them with his tongue, inviting the fingers to enter. Zack gladly let his fingers slip into the warm and slippery mouth, feeling Cloud’s enjoyment in the tightening around his cock. It led Zack’s thoughts to the blowjob he’d had earlier and felt himself getting impossibly aroused.

“Fuck… I just want to ravish you.” Zack murmured, pulling his hand away from Cloud’s mouth and nibble his ear, unable to stand more of Cloud’s excitable mouth any longer.

“Then you should… ravish me.” Cloud tempted in low and coarse voice.

“Touch yourself.” Zacks voice sounded like a threat and a promise at the same time, sending chills of anticipation down Cloud’s spine.

Zack waited until Cloud had stroked himself a few times before placing one hand on Cloud’s lower midriff and wrapping the other around his chest. Then he slowly started thrusting while Cloud still in an iron grip. Cloud gave a little cry which quickly changed to broken, interrupted moans as Zack picked up the pace. Cloud didn’t bother trying to muffle his voice at all, they were in a brothel after all, who would care?

“Ready?” Zack gave a kind warning before he finally drove himself fiercely in and out of Cloud, letting wet, slapping noises bounce dull against the walls of the room.

Cloud let out a moan which grew into an outright roar as his entire body convulsed violently, held still only by Zack’s arms while cum shot in generous bursts in his hand. Zack came a faction of a second after, biting hard into Cloud’s shaking shoulder, not wanting to drown out the mesmerizing voice of his lover as he emptied himself impatiently a third time that night. He continued to thrust through Cloud’s drawn out spasming until the twitching all but stopped, and then he just kept a slow roll in his hips, enough to keep sensation at the point where their bodies were connected.

Cloud felt his own mouth close, and it wasn’t until then he’d realised it had been open. That roar, was that him? It had sounded like-.

The train of thought was easily scattered by Zack nuzzling his face into Cloud’s neck and tickling it with kisses. Cloud let his body grow limp and laughed heartily from the hurricane of endorphins that now made his skin tingle.

“So this is what it’s been like for you?” Cloud mumbled through muddled thoughts.

“I guess so!” Zack laughed, his hands now touching Cloud in languid strokes.

“Do you like it one way more than the other?” Cloud asked, interest leaking through his drowsiness.

“Hmmm, it depends on the mood I guess.” Zack said, now rubbing his fingers into Cloud’s scalp in a way that made him purr with satisfaction.

“Yeah?” Cloud spurred on.

“Yeah, usually if I feel vulnerable, I guess I like to be topped, but I’m sure there’s exceptions…” Zack said thoughtfully.

“And today?” Cloud asked with a satisfied grin.

“I can’t remember when I last wanted to fuck someone as senselessly, honestly Cloud. I can’t believe you today.” Zack blurted in a low, intense voice.

Cloud could feel Zack twitching and swelling again when he was made to recall what they’d just done. Cloud touched himself, carefully evaluating if he could go again, and to his own surprise he wasn’t very tired. The oversensitivity had all but subsided too, within minutes. Mako-perks?

“What now?” Zack asked suggestively, noting Cloud’s movements with high interest.

“Again?” Cloud smiled and turned his head for a kiss, but only managed far enough to get a peck on the corner of his mouth, the approaching morning being the very last thing on his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos, comments and feedback always appreciated! *^__^*


	11. C/Z: Dance and practice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud starts preparing for his next mission. Zack adores Cloud's new dance-practice which sparks a smell-kink leading to a nice and fluffy BJ. Cloud get's properly introduced to Angeal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you find yourself confused on Cloud’s chocobo outfit? It’s now illustrated! Find it in chapt 31!

Zack set his alarm to 5 am the next morning, and with that, got a few hours’ sleep. Still, Cloud didn’t feel too bad when he woke up. Zack was sour in the mornings, so he needed to be kicked out of bed quite literally to get up in time.

They silently walked hand in hand through the quiet brothel. The girl at the desk looked up from a very thick book and politely sent them off. No one was out, the air was stale and unstirred, the occasional sound of a small scavenger rummaging through garbage and the odd chirp from a bird was all. Cloud slipped his arm under Zack’s, and their eyes met. They smiled at each other as if the whole world was theirs.

Zack dozed sweetly on Cloud’s shoulder on the empty train, and Cloud lazily stroked his hair. Arriving at sector 8 they didn’t dare to continue their display of intimacy. It wasn’t as if anyone would, or even could beat them up, it was more an issue within the Shin-Ra company. There were official and unofficial rules, all uncomfortable to deal with. The common practice was to just keep relationships secret as much as possible.

Shin-Ra HQ was already bustling with activity, so Zack and Cloud parted with an unsatisfactory nod in the elevator, Cloud getting off first. He just barely had time to clean up and make it to his morning briefing where he was assigned his next mission.

To his surprise, he was to be stationed undercover as a performer at the very brothel he’d just left. Apparently, it was time for the executives’ yearly LOVELESS enactment, and they wanted him there as extra security. You couldn’t make this shit up, he thought as he walked out of the meeting room. He had two weeks to get a performance together and then he was going to be stationed for a whole week at the Honey Bee Inn.

Walking towards the elevator, anxiety caught him. Even though he thoroughly didn’t feel up to the task, he headed to the Shin-Ra costume department as instructed. He hadn’t even known they had one. He felt like he stepped into a secret bunker walking out at basement level three. The smell of perfumed make-up met him like a wall, and a woman at the desk walked up to him.

“Cloud Strife? I’ve been assigned to help you prepare for your upcoming mission.”

Cloud nodded. The woman gave her name as Beki and then led him down the aisles between rows of clothes hanging in an endlessly large room. They passed a section consisting of a sewing atelier.

“All the uniforms are made here, as well as whatever other tailoring needs to be done for Shin-Ra,” she said, sounding bored.

They came up to a section that looked like it only had stage costumes. She led them down the aisle until they came to a section full of sparkling garments, most of them pretty small.

“So, what are you going to do for your performance? Can you sing?”

“No!”

“Dancing it is then.”

“I can’t dance either!” Cloud said, his mouth going dry.

“Don’t worry, there are programs for learning. You’re in SOLDIER, right? You should be able to move.” She didn’t sound like there was room for arguing, and she was right.

“Well, yeah…” Cloud muttered under his breath.

“You’ll wanna look at this and this section. Pick something that makes you pass for a woman and then come find me at the desk. There’s a dressing room at the end of the aisle.” She pointed hastily and then turned on her heel, leaving Cloud looking around in confusion.

He took out his PHS and texted Zack. 

_ I’m in the costuming section! I have to pick out a dancing-outfit that makes me look like a girl. I’m going to be stationed for a week at the Honey Bee Inn. What are the chances of that?! _

Zack’s reply was almost immediate.

_ GAIA! PICS OR YOU’RE MAKING IT UP. _

Cloud laughed, finding a new more light-hearted aspect to his mission with Zack’s request, and got to it. He picked out a Moogle-themed leotard with a headpiece and a nose, a Chocobo-themed costume with a large feathery bustle, and some skimpy silly hero-outfit made in leather plates with some boob-armour and a short skirt, and then lugged them to the dressing room.

The dressing room was large and comfortable with adjustable lighting and mirrors on all four sides. He put each outfit on and posed in ‘ironic’ sexy poses while he photographed each one for Zack. He could absolutely not pull off any serious sexy posing. He leave that to Zack.

The moogle leotard was out, it showed his male parts and accented his too-narrow hips. The Chocobo was out, the bustle wouldn’t work if he needed to fight. That left the hero outfit. The boob-armour filled in for what was missing, and the skirt fell off his hips in a convincing shape. Besides, after all the video games the two of them had been playing, he was well aware that Zack had a thing for heroes. Zack never hesitated to choose that role, refusing to give up before he’d saved everyone.

He struggled to not smile like a dork in the photo, thinking of his lover. Gaia.  _ Zack was his lover _ . He wished they wouldn’t have had to heal up to hide all the kiss-marks before they left the brothel. They’d look so hot for the photos. He squeezed his ass trying to feel any soreness that could testify of last night, but there wasn’t any.

He took his chosen costume back to Beki who dragged him to the make-up department, where he was handed over to someone who showed him how to apply make-up and shave his legs and armpits. He tried to listen as attentively as he would have for any work-mission, but he was thoroughly preoccupied with how bizarre this mission was.

Beki stacked him full of boxes, one containing the outfit, one for makeup and one with dance wear. She rambled instructions for a training-room simulation that would supposedly teach him to dance, before pushing for the elevator to send him off.

When the elevator passed the ground floor, Sephiroth stepped into it, making them the only two passangers on it. Cloud immediately felt his face flush under a burning, scrutinizing gaze.

“Isn’t the costume department fun?” Sephiroth asked, in his usual impassive tone.

“Uuh, yeah?” Cloud replied, instantly confused.

Was Sephiroth making another joke? A jab? Was he trying to shame him? Did he know about his mission? Smalltalk?! The silence fell heavy in the elevator, made the air sticky and uncomfortable, charged with unsaid words. Cloud had never been so happy to step out of the elevator before in his life.

He headed to his room to drop things off before checking out the simulation. He changed to the new dance wear and looked at himself in disbelief in the mirror. He _did_ _look_ like a real dancer. The soft fabric of the pants pooled in soft folds around his ankles, the t-shirt had a low neck, showing off his collar bones and hinted at the slim but firm muscles of his chest, and a knit wraparound sweater that tied on his waist, showing off his shapes pleasantly. He shrugged and headed towards the training room.

He spent the first day doing basic exercises, finding them challenging to get fluid and elegant, but he also found himself lost in the movement, and time moved quickly. He didn’t notice getting tired at all. In fact, he felt stronger than ever, and that made him look forward to pushing forward for the mission, however odd and unexpected it was. It allowed him to get to know his new mako-enhanced body. He hadn’t really gotten a chance to test the limits of it since the days in the mako-chamber.

At night he lay in bed with his body humming after a whole day of physical activity. He decided to hold off sending the pictures because he knew Zack was spending time with Angeal. His thoughts were on Zack and their date, but as he got more tired he caught himself thinking of Sephiroth instead. His memories of that day after the mako-chamber were a little hazy, but he remembered them as if Sephiroth had done him a kindness. An uncomfortable kindness, but a kindness nonetheless.

He remembered lying in Sephiroth’s bed at night, and the look on his face when he’d woken up. He’d looked concerned, relaxed, maybe a bit sad, but most of all, just kind. He’d never seen Sephiroth like that before. It felt like the memory was filling him, and he felt himself swell at it. Oh, Gaia, this spelled trouble, he thought with a sigh as he wrapped his hand around his hardness.

...

Cloud was in the training-room with a loaded classic ballet studio. There were mirrors, someone playing the piano, and a virtual instructor who had a frightening stick in her hand which she used to wave around while adjusting his movements. He was just about to take five to collect himself after a minor scolding as the room sounded with bells that signaled someone wanted to get in. 

“Open.”

Zack appeared in the doorway with a wide grin.

“Hiyah, Cloud,” Zack strutted towards him across the room. “Just coming by to check out your new training.”

“Mhmm?” Cloud hummed with suspicion. 

He was no fool. They hadn’t seen each other for a week. Zack had been busy with missions and his other ‘friends.’ They’d ran into one another in the entrance hall earlier when Cloud was meeting up with some classmates for lunch, still wearing his dance-training clothes. It had been an effort not to laugh at Zack’s expression. He looked as if the god of sex had descended and cast a spell of confusion on him. Zack had walked right into some other employees because he couldn’t tear his eyes off. It had been quite a little scene.

“I brought you a drink,” Zack said and handed a can of chilled tea to Cloud.

“Thanks.” Cloud huffed, still breathing heavily from the practice, his sweat making his skin glisten and hair fall in less perky spikes than normal.

Zack playfully crowded Cloud, turning the simulated characters off. He let a finger trail over Cloud’s chest, chasing a drop of sweat.

“Are we still on for tonight?” Zack tried to hide his excitement but really, he was like a keen little puppy.

“Of course!” Cloud smiled. Zack’s eagerness made him want to tease.

“Can you come in your practice outfit?” Zack asked and planted a kiss behind Cloud’s ear, trying to not make it too obvious he wanted a taste of exactly that.

“Sure, I’ll just pick up some clothes at mine and then shower at yours. Can you take care of dinner?” 

“Hmmm, yeah, maybe.” Zack mumbled abscentmindedly, his hands lifting to Cloud’s waist as if to reassure himself Cloud couldn’t get away.

He stuck his nose in Cloud’s sweaty hair and breathed in deeply. Countless impulses to drown Cloud in compliments and kind words, reassurances of his love and devotion were rushing over him, and he had to struggle to not say them. 

He’d missed Cloud a lot, but he’d also seen Angeal and Aeris, and he didn’t want to seem hypocritical. Didn’t want to say something to give Cloud the impression that too much had changed between them. Even if their feelings had, the reality around them was the same as ever, and he’d learned that circumstances are paramount after all.

Instead, Zack decided to try to drown Cloud in adoring actions and walked himself playfully into Cloud while loosely sucking his neck, licking at the sweat.

“Don’t shower,” Zack asked in a low voice. “I want to taste you just like this.”

Hooking his leg over one of Zack’s hips, Cloud giggled at Zack’s little momentary obsessions. They only lasted for a short time and were pretty innocent, but he could become very absorbed in them. He guessed the dancing had triggered one.

“I’ll see what I can do for you, Mr. Fair, sir,” Cloud replied suggestively and hugged Zack’s ass with his leg.

“Cloud, just a tiny bit? Give me five minutes. No, two!” Zack mock-pleaded, already dropping to his knees with fingers hooking into the waistband of Cloud’s pants and tugging them down.

Zack ran his fingers over Cloud’s flat, hard abdomen, dipped a finger inside Cloud’s belly-button, admiring how the sweat gave Cloud’s skin a slightly sticky texture. Zack kissed the hinted v-shape of Cloud’s front, thinking it would lead him to heaven, and gods did he want to fill his head and mouth with that smell and taste of Cloud. He could smell the musky, earthy scent through the pants and it made him ache for more.

“Okay, okay, okay Zack, you have to stop. I’m not done for the day, but I promise to come straight to you after practice.” Cloud laughed, a little flustered.

Zack stood up, gave a playful pout with glittering eyes, a little kiss, and left with a little spring in his step. Cloud broke into a dorky smile thinking of how much he cared for Zack, and how he’d come to visit him ‘at work.’ Then he switched on the pianist and the dance instructor to continue his day.

A few hours later Cloud stepped into a crammed elevator on his way to Zack, finding Sephiroth standing in it. Sephiroth seemed like a magnet, repelling everyone else around him, and soon he was standing behind Cloud, uncomfortably close. Everyone in the elevator seemed occupied pretending it was just like any elevator ride. They looked at their phones, the information screen, wishing there was elevator music, all just for this specific ride.

A cool finger dragged down Cloud’s neck, brushing up against the dripping sweat, making him turn around with a glare, just in time to see Sephiroth licking a finger with his glistening, red tongue. It helplessly sent shivers down Cloud’s spine, from disgust, anger, and instant arousal. 

“Delicious,” Sephiroth mouthed at him.

Cloud’s eyes widened in disbelief. Who would do such a thing in a packed elevator?!

“What do you want from me?!” he angrily mouthed back, carefully to not let any air past his lips.

Sephiroth just raised his perfectly sculpted eyebrows in feigned innocence.

The elevator announced the First Class residentials, and they both stepped out.

“Give my love to Zackary,” Sephiroth said before turning in the direction of his flat.

“No, really. What do you want?” Cloud called sternly after Sephiroth, having looked around to make sure they were alone.

Sephiroth turned on his heel, and with two brisk steps he was catching his chin between thumb and index finger.

“My will is as impossible as it is irrelevant, Cloud.” Sephiroth’s eyes held Cloud’s in a cold stare before he unexpectedly bent down to give a chaste, lingering kiss on Cloud’s lips.

“Why are you always like this?!” Cloud asked, clearly agitated but not pulling away.

He gripped Sephiroth’s arm to signal that he expected an answer.

“Why? This is the way they made me. How else could I be?” Sephiroth gave the smallest of tugs to free himself from Cloud’s grip and turned to walk off.

“You can just be however the hell you want to be. Don’t blame others for your choices,” Cloud half-yelled in frustration after him.

It provoked a thoroughly bitter chuckle from Sephiroth as he turned a corner and disappeared from sight.

The exchange left Cloud uneasy, but it was all blown away as soon as Zack opened the door. He was drawn into a warm embrace before he even had a chance to take his shoes off.

“Angeal asked if he could come over to join us for dinner, do you mind?” Zack blurted excitedly.

“No! I thought you had other plans for me, though!” Cloud laughed and pulled away to take off his shoes.

“Yeah, I did. Would you mind if we speed them up?” Zack gave a blinding, mischievous smile.

“Care to elaborate?” Cloud grinned.

Zack pulled Cloud into the room and slowly started to untie the wrap cardigan, blatantly using it as an excuse to heartily paw at his body.

“I want to peel the clothes off of you,” Zack said, already consumed with the task.

“I’ve missed your smell and taste… Please let me have you like this. Indulge your boyfriend, will you?” Zack’s voice was low and smooth, a reminder of the other warm and smooth sensations that his mouth could induce.

Zack pulled off Cloud’s top and started kissing Cloud’s chest playfully, and gently walking the blonde towards the bedroom.

“And then I’d like you to fuck me, Cloud. Please fill me up with your flavour.” Zack voice sank lower.

“And how long do we have to do all this?” Cloud laughed, happily letting himself get swept up in the mood.

“An hour,” Zack said under his breath before hungrily sealing his lips over Cloud’s.

“Best get to it then.” Cloud grinned and sat down passively on the bed.

Zack bit his lower lip to not say ‘you’re the best’, ripped his own clothes off, and pushed Cloud eagerly down on the bed to quickly strip him from his pants. He started covering Cloud’s body with kisses, between mumbling ‘thank you’, letting his nose guide him to today’s most captivating areas.

He eagerly skimmed his tongue over Cloud’s pierced nipples, gently pulling them into his mouth, sucking the rings before continuing to the crevice of Cloud’s neck where his hair made Cloud giggle softly. He gently lifted Cloud’s arms overhead to expose his armpits.

“You’ve shaved?” Zack could feel himself swell to an almost painful degree.

“Yeah, for the job.” Cloud shrugged and his face flushed with a faint smile.

Zack felt a little pang of guilt for embarrassing Cloud with his silly requests. He straddled Cloud’s hips, grabbing his hands, letting their fingers interlace and guided one of Cloud’s hands to his pulsating hardness.

“Can you feel how much I want you Cloud?” Zack mumbled into the kiss.

Cloud’s hand wrapped around Zack and gave him a tender squeeze while humming appreciatively in reply.

“It’s because it’s you,” Zack continued while kissing his way to Cloud’s still exposed and wonderfully curved armpit.

Zack looked like he’d been starving and finally got his fill, blissful and passionate. Cloud smiled at that, focusing on indulging Zack, instead of the vague discomfort of feeling dirty.

Zack dragged his tongue wide and soft over the tender skin under Cloud’s arm, thinking he could never get enough of the variations of salty, musky, and nutty tastes. They made him feel felt like he was ready to burst. He trailed his kisses downwards, dipping his tongue into Cloud’s perfect belly button, already smelling Cloud’s arousal, trying to not get to it too quickly. Zack’s lips whispered quiet things of adoration against Cloud’s skin between kisses as if praying his love into Cloud’s body. They made it easier for Cloud to lie there splayed out on the bed, to let himself get taken care of. His body soared in the warm comfort of Zack’s generous touches.

“I love the way you touch me,” Cloud whispered with his eyes closed, watching pastel colours shimmer on the back of his eyelids.

Blond pubes tickled Zack’s lips as he climbed down between Cloud’s legs, kissing the nooks and folds of skin there, his head swimming with the smell and taste.

“Thank you for letting me touch you,” Zack whispered before he finally couldn’t resist closing his lips around Cloud’s pink, swollen, lovely cock any longer.

Cloud gave the sweetest of moans and ever so softly rolled his hips off of the mattress. A mellow pain burst in Zack’s chest, looking up to see Cloud’s radiant face. He hoped he would always be able to give Cloud pleasure, comfort, and safety, just like in that moment. He let a drop of glistening clear fluid disperse on his tongue before continuing to slowly taste every stretch of skin now in his mouth.

“Zack!” Cloud gasped, his breath quickening and pink blotches appearing on his skin.

Set off by Cloud’s arousal, he licked along the whole shaft, drawing more sounds of pleasure from Cloud before confidently swallowing all of him. In truth, Zack thoroughly enjoyed giving head, but Cloud seemed to prefer giving it rather than receiving it which made Zack savour the occasion even more. Cloud seemed especially lost in it today, which made Zack want to do his utmost. He slowly eased his lips up and down the length and smoothly tightened around Cloud’s twitching length with his tongue and cheeks.

“Gods, Zack, you feel so good.” Cloud’s voice was thick, balancing a plea and applause.

“Good,” Zack said, kissing the tip, licking the slit teasingly before descending over Cloud again, pushing him in all the way to the back of his throat.

A low groan tore from Cloud’s throat, and he nestled his hands into damp locks of black hair, rolling his hips to meet Zack’s incredible, warm, slick, skilled mouth. Zack thrust his aching erection into the mattress before losing patience, sitting up and gently pulling Cloud by the arms to his knees while scooting himself down on his back to lay between Cloud’s legs.

Dazed and starry eyed, Cloud stared into Zack’s warm, smiling and overwhelmingly erotic face. His eyes, half-lidded and deeply aglow with desire, a dark flush adorning his face, his lips swollen and red, glistening invitingly with saliva and pre-cum. Zack took Cloud’s hand in his and let Cloud’s fingertips stroke across his cheek as he relished in the pleasure of their touch. He lightly kissed the fingertips when they skimmed his lips.

Adoration poured forth and Cloud quickly bent down to kiss those lips. In the back of his mind, he quietly agreed that the taste of his own sweat and arousal mixed with the taste of Zack was nothing short of exquisite. How could anything taste this good, he wondered, reaching his tongue deeper.

Zack gently pushed Cloud away only to grab Cloud’s hips and pull them towards his mouth until Cloud caught on, and burrowed himself into that warm, heavenly wetness. Zack kept encouraging Cloud by tugging his hips and making every dirty hum, slurp, and muffled moan that he knew to infuse Cloudäs spirit. Eventually it worked, and Cloud took over the pace. He altered quick and deep thrusts with shallow and languid rolls that were just enough to remind them both that they were still connected, always with the promise of returning deeper.

Saliva mixeedi with pre-come dripped down Zack’s chin, and he absolutely loved it. He was so turned on he felt like he was constantly on the edge of release. He loved Cloud’s heated thrusts invading and filling his head. It was exactly what he’d longed for since lunchtime, and he loved the anticipation the slow movements allowed for. It made the next intrusion all the sweeter.

Suddenly a bleeping melody rang throughout the room, jolting them both from their dreamy states. Cloud eased out to sit back on Zack’s chest.

“It’s the ten-minute warning for Angeal’s arrival,” Zack said and sounded guilty.

“Oh!” Cloud gave a dazed smile.

“Please, harder! I’m so close.” Zack licked his lips and parted them, leaving them open, his hands inviting Cloud back in by his hips.

Cloud’s hand lovingly stroked Zack’s cheek before he buried himself into Zack’s mouth. The wet, sloppy sounds from behind him revealed Zack stroking himself, and they pushed them both closer to their peak. Zack’s arousal had deliciously painted his face into an icon of sex, one that Cloud hoped he would never forget. With a dissatisfied grunt Zack placed his strong hands firmly on Cloud’s ass, to push him deeper. The force that Zack used to push him in was baffling, reminding Cloud that he still didn’t have a solid grasp on the limits on Zack’s strength. He got the message though and stopped holding himself back, shoving his cock in and out of Zack’s throat with abandon. 

Below him, he could feel Zack arching up from the bed, and that quickly sent him staggering towards release. He could feel tension taking hold of his entire body, sending a rush of warmth towards the deep of his stomach until there was a hot mess of pressure building acutely in his groin.

When Zack’s hand came up to his ass and shoved a finger inside with which he was held in place while Zack’s throat tightened so hard it was almost painful, he finally erupted into the depths of Zacks’s throat with a deep, guttural cry. Cloud tried to pull back but Zack wouldn’t let him budge until they both stopped twitching. Zack only let Cloud slide out slowly, making sure to not let a single drop of come spill from his mouth.

Cloud slumped down on top of Zack with closed eyes, randomly kissing Zack where his lips would hit until Zack shifted and generously caught Cloud’s lips in a deep, passionate, and tender kiss. Before Cloud understood what happened Zack was mumbling apologies while carrying Cloud to the shower. 

“I’m so sorry, Cloud, I didn’t mean to get us into a rush,” he said as he turned the shower on. He supported his swaying lover who’d turned his face towards the shower with closed eyes, golden strands plastered to his face.

They were all giggles and light kisses as they took turns to pour shampoo into cupped hands. Zack started to lather up beloved, golden hair. A silly smile was plastered all over Cloud who put his hands on Zack’s black hair, returning the favour. 

“Thank you for sharing your body and your time with me,” Cloud said with surprising earnesty while still smiling ear to ear, eyes closed.

Zack’s stomach turned with a wish to stay in that moment with Cloud, in that feeling. It was so strong he felt nauseous for a fraction of a second, but it turned better when he wrapped his arms around Cloud. Wet kisses were handed out, and Zack was grateful for the shower that obscured the raging feelings moving through him.

With a sigh he mumbled more excuses, telling Cloud to take his time in the shower before stepping out. He took an extra moment drying his face in the fresh towel, trying to collect himself enough to get on with the dinner plans.

He dashed to the bedroom to throw a bedspread on top of the ruined sheets and to dress.

By the time Cloud turned the shower off, he could hear Angeal’s deep voice and Zack’s familiar slamming in the kitchen. In a way, it had been good to be occupied before Angeal’s arrival. Less time to be nervous.

Cloud stepped out with only a towel wrapped around his hips. The first thing he saw was Angeal’s hand on Zack’s face and Zack looking up with adoring, glittering eyes to his old mentor. Zack looked so happy.

It wasn’t as bad as Cloud had thought it would be. The jealousy was there, and the insecurity too, but Angeal had seen him before Zack, dropped his hand and fired a warm, disarming smile.

“Zack was just telling me how he dropped by your training today.” Angeal hurried to say before any misunderstandings could happen.

“Oh. I’ll be right back,” Cloud said and hurried embarrassed into the bedroom.

When Cloud next stepped into the main room Zack was eagerly stirring some sauce. Something was sizzling in a pan while Angeal was nursing a beer, laughing at the table. Zack interrupted his cooking, holding sticky hands in the air while walking over to Cloud to kiss his temple before returning to the kitchen.

“There’s a beer on the table for you!” Zack said and put his focus on getting the food ready.

“Thank you for allowing me to join you. It means a lot to me,” Angeal said in an unexpected mix of vulnerability and confidence which immediately put Cloud at ease.

“Of course. I’m glad you could come,” Cloud said shyly, joining Angeal at the table.

He knew already from the atmosphere that Zack and Angeal wouldn’t let any sort of competitive atmosphere take place in the room. He knew they were making the utmost to make him comfortable with Zack’s untraditional relationship-arrangement, and he was so grateful. He was also happy that Zack had such a generous and kind person in his life. He chanced a glance at Angeal who had a slightly reserved but patient and warm smile.

“Zack told me you’re learning to dance for your next assignment! Bet you didn’t see that coming!” Angeal said, making light conversation.

“No, I certainly didn’t!” Cloud gave another shy smile and took a large swig of beer.

“When I was new at Shin-Ra I had to compete in a talent show once!” Angeal offered sympathetically, but laughter was skirting his voice.

“No?! What was your thing?” Cloud asked and felt his shoulders lower a little. Clearly Angeal was very good at this.

“Well, they tried to get me to sing, but it really didn’t work out, so it got defaulted to my childhood hobby of juggling! I don’t what Genesis thought was worse, the singing or juggling! He still brings it up sometimes!” Angeal laughed.

“What! You never told me about that!” Zack was laughing from the kitchen.

And so the conversation went on. Cloud soon forgot his shyness, completely unable to resist Angeal’s quiet warmth, only growing happier and happier for Zack’s sake. It made a lot of sense to like Angeal. Cloud could even discern a few gestures of Angeal’s he was used to seeing in Zack.

After dinner they were all sitting on the yellow sofa, trying to digest the food and finish their beers. Zack had half slid halfway off the sofa and fallen asleep, breathing slow and calm between two of his favourite people.

Angeal abruptly changed the subject from his favourite materia fusions. “He was twisted in knots for months about you before you got together you know.”

The warmth was positively gushing forth from Angeal over his old pupil.

“He was, for months?” Cloud couldn’t help but smile.

“Yeah. He came to me often, debating whether he should ask you out or not. I think he did, but never as more than friends, am I right?”

“Yeah, I think so. Actually, he asked me to stay over that way the first time because the two of you had an argument and he was down about it.”

“Is that so?” Angeal chuckled softly.

“I think almost every time he’s been upset it’s been about you.”

They shared a warm, intimate smile.

“Thank you for telling me. You’re very kind,” Angeal said.

“Zack doesn’t like to worry the people he loves most. I was hoping we could be friends, to support him together?” Angeal asked with a hopeful glint in his eyes that was damn near impossible to refuse, not that Cloud wanted to.

“I would like that very much,” Cloud said, his voice shaking a little.

“I’m glad. Well, I’d best go. Would you mind?” Angeal nodded at Zack.

Cloud wasn’t entirely sure what he meant, but he shook his head, confident that it wasn’t anything untoward. Angeal bent down and easily collected Zack in his arms, and went on to carry him right to bed.

Cloud’s face flushed deep red as he followed, but thankfully Angeal laid Zack down on top of the bedspread, not tucking him in. The way Angeal brushed hair out of Zack’s face, and how Zack hummed contently in his sleep made Cloud feel that he really had been invited into Zack’s life in a very tangible way, witnessing these interactions. Then Cloud walked Angeal all of the ten steps to the door.

“I’m so glad for you and Zack. I hope you have many happy years ahead of you,” Angeal said and affectionately squeezed Cloud’s upper arm.

“Thank you. Thank you for everything,” Cloud said, his voice quivering, not taking Angeal’s statement as anything other than good wishes.

Angeal eyed the youngling with warm empathy. He really thought the best of him. For a while there, he’d never thought the two of them would ever get together. When he’d seen how happy Zack had been since they did, he wanted it to last more than anything else in the world. 

As Angeal stood up from putting on his shoes, Cloud placed a hand on his arm, hesitantly, asking for permission. Angeal raised his brows in surprise, but didn’t hesitate to pull Cloud into a tight embrace. He could feel how it killed the last tension between them. He must have been so nervous, poor thing. The embrace lasted longer than it should have, feeling more like two old friends uniting than anything else. He let Cloud break it off, then asked to thank Zack for the dinner in the morning, and then he left.

Cloud closed the door with a heavy sigh, and then dragged his feet to the sofa where he threw himself onto his stomach. As he took a few deep breaths, mindfully taking a few deep breaths, he couldn’t stop desperate sobs from welling up.

They’d been hiding like a film coating his bones, just waiting for the right moment to surface. They weren’t sad though, just relief. He hadn’t realised how tense he’d been about meeting Angeal, and now it was done.

He couldn’t have dreamed of it going better. In fact, he wouldn’t mind seeing him again at all. The sobs quickly ebbed out, and he brushed his teeth before throwing himself heavily onto the bed next to Zack, smiling at the thought of the dirty bed sheets underneath them.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments always appreciated!


	12. C/S: Friends and enemies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waiting for character developement, and more smut? Well, here's some sefikura for exactly that.
> 
> Cloud and Zack get called out on another mission, and it goes well, but not all is well. Sephiroth stepps in to deal with Cloud's anxiety again, now with growing levels of anxiety himself. 'Shiiiiiit'.
> 
> Angst-warning, but this time, no blood play! Yay? There is some dubious BDSM-practice and delicious spanking though, if you're into that!

Their sleep was cut short, the emergency alarm was sounding, and all SOLDIERs were being called to duty. Cloud had never seen Zack get out of bed so quickly before, he thought as they were getting dressed. A quick briefing in the mess hall announced an AVALANCHE attack in sector four.

They were efficiently ushered towards the sector 8 platform where special Shin-Ra trains were waiting to transport them. Zack was quiet, only gave Cloud a small smile where they sat down. They hadn’t been in a mission together for some time, and never an emergency one. The faces of the infantry troopers were hidden by their helmets, and Cloud felt stifled by the situation. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep you safe. Stay close.” Zack had whispered as they got off the train.

Cloud was running in the midst of the Shin-Ra masses, he didn’t really know where they were going. He tried to stay close to Zack. Suddenly the battle erupted around them, and time seemed to slow down, just like the last time he was fighting. This time, he didn’t quite lose his head over the same thing. This time, he couldn’t tear his eyes off of Zack when he drew his sword and started cutting away at the enemies, people, in something that looked more like a sword-dance than a fight. It was equally beautiful and impressive as it was horrifying. Zack was a killing machine, dyeing the world around him in sprays of red.

A sudden pain is his arm reminded him that he should be too, and he quickly focused his mind on letting go that rational part of him that said killing is wrong, hurting is bad… And then he pulled his own sword, starting his own killing dance.

The fight was short. They had quickly eliminated the threat, and Cloud could feel himself quieting down his body, reining in control again, as the everything quieted down around him. He was in some sort of shipping yard, full of containers. A Shin-Ra storage unit, most likely. The logo was on the boxes.  
He dragged his feet on the way back to the train to return, and he noticed the ground was full of blood. So were his clothes, his hands, maybe even his face. He made sure to relax his features, not having the luxury of hiding behind a helmet.

He felt an arm on his shoulder, and when he turned his head his vision blurred a moment, before he could read Zack’s features. He didn’t look very tired, or even bothered, and that was unnerving.

“You looked good out there, Cloud!” he said, not overly cheerful, but not as if he’d just cut down dozens of people either.

Cloud sat across from Zack on the way home. He kept his eyes lowered. The rest of the morning was a daze. He knew he’d participated in the debriefing, he’d seen Zack there, eyeing him with worry. He’d answered the questions he’d been asked, but he had no idea what had been said. In the communal shower, he had to run to the toilet to throw up. He’d known that this was going to be part of soldier life, hadn’t he? He had no right to feel so upset. But for now, all that mattered was getting into bed. He had to rest. 

He woke up with a jolt in the small hours of the morning, the memories of the battle washing over him. He quickly got dressed for dance-practice and went down to the training hall to load his dance-studio program. He didn’t really feel like it, but he started to move his body as the stern, fictional teacher told him. After some time, the disciplining of his body and perfecting his movements let the dread of the battle slip away. He kept going into the afternoon without a break before he felt his body weighing him down again, and his fictional teacher started to scold him for his sloppiness and mistakes. 

She waved her conductor’s baton around animatedly and Cloud felt his eyes following it around. He listened with despair to the tone of her voice, she was so displeased with him. He’d done so many mistakes and his heart sank rapidly with guilt and anxiety seeping back into it. He felt terrible, like a true monster, one that should be locked away and punished. As soon as the thought had come over him, he grabbed his teacher’s shoulder and begged.

“Please, punish me.”

“What?” she asked, taken aback for a second before starting to scold him in a never-ending stream of words for making such a ridiculous request instead of focusing on his dancing.

Cloud sank to his knees on the floor and folded his chest onto his knees, completely drained. The teacher just kept yelling at him with words, and he felt his body engulfed in guilt, wishing someone could expel it for him. He understood the program he was running hadn’t foreseen this situation, as it just kept running in a loop with the teacher screaming, like an old, broken record.

He didn’t know how long he’d been on that floor before someone stepped into the training room. The sound of the door was specific, and somehow more real. The sound of boots walking over the studio floor provided a rhythmic dimension to the teacher’s voice, and they stopped in front of him. Cloud was too consumed with his anxiety to even raise his head.

“Cloud?” the voice was one of cold, smooth, polished metal.

The familiar voice sent chills down his spine every time it said his name. Gratefully, Cloud slowly inched his body closer to the man in front of him to place his cheek on Sephiroth’s boot. He wouldn’t have wished for anyone else to walk through that door.

“What a disgrace.” Sephiroth said and rolled his eyes in contempt.

He lifted his boot in a kick that made Cloud roll to his back where he just laid limply. His eyes were lying heavy in their sockets, blinking steadily with the stream of tears and his lips were slightly parted, his chest moving only with shallow, laboured breaths. Sephiroth towered over Cloud in contemplation before lifting his foot and placing it on Cloud’s chest, shifting his body weight by bending the leg. He deleted the fictional characters and leaned forward and reached out his hand to brush Cloud’s damp, golden spikes out of his face.

Cloud felt his ribcage contract and the air forcefully being expelled out from his lungs. He brought his hands up to the boot not to push it away, but in a welcoming gesture.

“Whatever shall we do about you, hmm?” Sephiroth sighed.

Sephiroth stepped off of Cloud, watching as new air seeped into his lungs, making relief momentarily flash on his face. Sephiroth moved a shorter ballet barre into the room. Then he easily dragged Cloud into a short, oddly reassuring embrace, before placing Cloud’s hips on the barre and folding him forwards to expose his backside. Sephiroth crouched down in front of Cloud and started to remove the clothing off of Cloud’s upper body, carefully folding the garments neatly to the side. Cloud was still listless, but he made small movements to help with the task. Sephiroth let his hand drag along Cloud’s body as he walked around to undress the lower body, supporting the legs as he removed the shoes and smoothly collecting the folds of the pants and undergarments in the hooks of his thumbs.

When done, Sephiroth started to unbutton his leather coat, the metal closures softly clinking. He pulled the belt out and folded it in his hands before crouching down in front of Cloud again, gently lifting his upper body and face.

“You asked this from the dance instructor, yes?” Sephiroth asked quietly, showing the belt to Cloud.

Cloud gave a small nod of his head before he was lowered back down. Sephiroth stood up and raised his hand, holding the belt and landed a blow across Cloud’s back, curving around his backside. A broad, red, stripe slowly appeared on the skin and Sephiroth ran over it with his fingers before he continued with the flogging. His blows were controlled and rhythmical, not too hard, but ramping up in strength. Cloud didn’t give any reaction at first, but then he slowly started breathing into the blows, his body softly flinching.

When Cloud’s backside was evenly red Sephiroth took off his gloves to touch the burning skin directly. There was a strangely calm atmosphere in the room. They were both aware of their roles, and at the moment Cloud wasn’t struggling with his anxiety any more. He was exactly where he wanted to be, with the person he most preferred to be with, given the circumstances. His thoughts were clearer now, raging around with guilt, shame and doubts about his own humanity. Cloud wrapped his arms around Sephiroth’s legs and let his nails dig into the leather pants in an impatient, silent request for more.

Sephiroth stared expressionlessly at their mirrored image as he raised his arm again, landing a blow that was significantly harder. Cloud jolted as he drew a sharp breath, clutching Sephiroth’s legs. Cloud could feel his body tense up with the searing pain, but it also relaxed when the pain subsided into a dull throbbing. It was more than he wanted, it was what he needed. With each blow the pain grew, but so did the relief when it sank into his body. Soon he was sobbing softly with relief. There was also a tenderness welling up towards Sephiroth because he knew this was done for his sake. Sephiroth was obliging him.

When Cloud’s backside had a pattern of white, raised welts Sephiroth stopped to admire his work again, caressing it, humming pleased. He shook loose from Cloud’s grasp and walked around to Cloud’s back, hearing small sounds of complaint when Cloud lost the touch, and new ones of a different character when Sephiroth’s hands caressed his backside. Sephiroth let his fingers trail in between Cloud’s cheeks, letting them rest there a moment before letting go.

Cloud stirred and raised his hands to the barre to hitch himself to his feet, swaying unsteadily as the blood rushed from his head. When the dizziness was gone, he turned towards Sephiroth who’d been watching blankly, waiting. Cloud felt himself moving like a man possessed, in despair and need. He let his feelings hone in on Sephiroth, drowning everything else out, stepping up to him and pressing his naked body against the still dressed one.

“I’m calling Zackary.” Sephiroth said, fetching his PHS from his pocket.

“No,” Cloud said and knocked the phone out of Sephiroth’s hands, “I don’t want Zack right now.”

Cloud’s hands moved to Sephiroth’s harness, which soon dropped to the floor, then it moved on to the belt, the button and the zipper, undoing them roughly to free Sephiroth’s length from his pants. To Cloud’s surprise it wasn’t hard, and he looked up at Sephiroth in confusion, seeing a glint of disbelief or hesitation shift in the yellow, cat-like eyes.

“I want you Sephiroth. I want you to enter me, fill me up, possess me.” Cloud’s voice was low and fervent, his eyes glowing with flickering emotions.

Cloud snuck his hands around Sephiroth’s neck and waist to push their bodies together. He could feel Sephiroth weighing his words, but also how they affected him, Sephiroth’s length twitching against his naked thighs.

“You marked me a long time ago and you know I’ve burned for you ever since. So, let me burn.” Cloud lifted himself to his toes to let his lips lightly trail between Sephiroth’s ears and lips where he let them hover with the smallest of distances.

A thick, sticky tension spread in the room from Sephiroth’s indecisiveness. Cloud couldn’t stay still too long, his thoughts wandering back to the battle, and the depths his own inadequacy, so he let his tongue slip out, letting the tip wet Sephiroth’s lips.

“You knew what you did to me that first time. You must have wanted me exactly like this.” Cloud continued, letting his lips brush against Sephiroth’s as he spoke.

The air shifted when Sephiroth’s eyes darkened with desire, and his lips parted for Cloud. Cloud spared no time to climb onto Sephiroth’s hips, wrapping himself around his childhood hero, kissing him with heavy need. Sephiroth put his hands on Cloud’s reddened backside and dug into it the flesh in a way that made Cloud moan prettily into the kiss.

Sephiroth cursed himself inwardly, already realising he’d made yet another mistake. Why did he find Cloud so irresistible? He was just a lowly, weak, human, unashamed to flaunt his vulnerability in a way that he’d never experienced before. It was revolting, and at the same time, utterly enchanting.

It made him want to explore the boundaries of Cloud’s breaking point, he seemed to always be close to it, making him seem so vibrant with… human existence. There was also something comforting in watching him struggle to settle into his life in Shin-Ra. Sephiroth felt a surge of excitement when he wondered if Cloud would ever come to terms with it, and what that would finally look like. In fact, it was the most genuine curiosity he’d felt in a long time.

He knew he should call Zack. He knew that Cloud was just using him. He knew it all too well, but at the moment it felt so good to not think about it, so he let the unbalanced blonde sweep him up in the silly game of distractions. Cloud’s naivety, and sincerity made him seem harmless. Sephiroth thought someone like that could never harm him.

“You taste like flowers…” Cloud murmured into Sephiroth’s mouth, still completely engrossed with the kiss.

“Do I?” Sephiroth snickered at Cloud’s silly comment.

“Mmm your hair too. I love your hair. You’re so beautiful…” Cloud’s let his mind fill up with all the sensations and impressions of Sephiroth, pushing everything else out, forgetting to guard his words.

“Aah, like in the photographs?” the hairs at the back of Sephiroth’s neck had raised with Cloud’s comment, and he was fishing now.

“No, better.” Cloud murmured between kissing.

The moment Cloud had said so he was given a hard but effortless push that sent him to the floor, knocking the wind from his lungs.

“How many photos did you have?” Sephiroth sounded as if he was trying to make a point.

Cloud was blinking his red eyes in confusion, when Sephiroth placed a boot on his leaking erection, threatening to crush it. Cloud furiously shook his head.

“I don’t know!” Cloud said with shock.

“Collector’s cards?” Sephiroth’s voice was a freezing flame of anger again.

“Yes.” Cloud tried to back away, writhing in fear under the boot.

“Posters?” Sephiroth pressed his foot down, just enough to make Cloud stay still.

“Yes.” Cloud felt his stomach turn.

It wasn’t that Cloud was afraid that Sephiroth would hurt him, well, not permanently in any case. It was that he didn’t know what had made Sephiroth so angry. He felt like he’d failed again and that was like opening the floodgates to all his recent failures, now rushing back over him. He laid back on the floor, anxiety paralyzing him immediately, with tears starting to stream down his face, getting stuck in his blond spikes and uncomfortably making their way into his ears.

Sephiroth opened the data panel for the training room and selected items from a list to load into a room. A bench that looked a massage table but with a plain slab and another table which various kind of props and bottles appeared in the dance studio. Then he picked the dishevelled blond off of the floor and put him stomach down on the bench, hoisting him to the knees to that his backside was up in the air. Cloud was back to his listless state, almost seemingly unaware of what was going on around him.

Sephiroth turned to the table with props, choosing a whip with a little metal studded paddle at the end, and turned back to Cloud.

“Did you dream of me as a child then?” Sephiroth asked and let the whip stroke over the curve of Cloud’s back and backside.

“Answer me Cloud.” Sephiroth landed a blow on the already abused backside, leaving a fresh, white, square mark.

“Yes.” Cloud hissed under his breath as he was painfully pulled out of his anxiety.

“What did you dream about?” Sephiroth tapped the whip against the area where Cloud’s backside and legs met, moving it over his balls.

“Being friends.” Cloud said in humiliation, knowing fully how stupid and childish he sounded.

Sephiroth gave a bitter laugh and landed a series of hard blows on the back of Cloud’s thighs, making Cloud’s legs shiver beautifully. Muffled sobs filled the studio.

Sephiroth walked up to Cloud, raising his face to make him look at them in the mirror.

“Is it what you hoped for?” Sephiroth asked in a sweet, threatening voice.

Cloud looked at the mirror image, seeing himself shamefully on display, his puffy, messy, lethargic face, damp hair glued to it with tears, and the tall, strong embodiment of extraordinary beauty and power standing next to him. He started at the naked chest and unzipped pants, at the equally beautiful, perfect erection almost kissing the white, chiselled midriff that framed it. Cloud’s sobs got louder when he shook his head at the absurdity of the situation. Nothing was like he’d dreamed of as a child.

Sephiroth chuckled again and landed a particularly hard blow across Cloud’s back, taking the opportunity to shove his erection into Cloud’s mouth as it opened to cry out. Cloud quickly scrambled to cover his teeth with his lips. He tried to breathe in through his nose, but it was blocked from all the crying, and resulted in desperate coughing and choking instead.

Sephiroth kept a few intrusions shallow to let Cloud get his bearings before digging himself deeper again. For now, it didn’t have to feel good for either of them, he was just making a point. He drilled himself to the back of Cloud’s throat and stayed there, putting his hands on Cloud’s body to feel it convulse heavily with the gagging. He sighed contentedly and stayed until Cloud tried to shove him out, and then he slowly pulled himself back. He bent down, lifting Cloud’s face by his chin, licking and kissing away at the mess that spilled from Cloud’s mouth, smelling the bile on Cloud’s breath.

“Am I all you dreamed of, Cloud?” Sephiroth asked when their eyes met, his voice dripping sweet, like midsummer honey.

Cloud stared blankly at Sephiroth, not knowing how to answer. Sephiroth stood up and walked to the other end of the bench. He grabbed Cloud, flipped him to his back and hoisted him down until it reached the edge, and positioned himself between Cloud’s legs. He lifted one of Clouds legs and with the other he grazed over Cloud’s opening with his pulsing erection.

“Am I?” Sephiroth asked again.

Cloud’s eyes widened and he shook his head, not so much to the question, but because he didn’t want to be entered yet. He wasn’t prepared, and that scared him. Sephiroth smirked and landed a series of blows across Cloud’s chest, drawing new tears and whimpers. He let his fingers graze of Cloud’s hardness, enjoying the splayed body in front of him, catching drops of Cloud’s pre-cum on his fingers and brought them to his mouth to lick, as if it was the most natural thing to do in the world.

Sephiroth let go of Cloud’s leg, walked over to the table, changed his whip to another one with a smaller leather tab at the end and picked up a bottle. He walked back to Cloud, raising the leg against his waist again and poured the contents of the bottle over Cloud’s erection, letting it drip down, messing up the table. Cloud flinched; his eyes fixed on Sephiroth’s movements. The syrupy liquid felt strange, it had the exact same temperature as his body which made it hard to feel. This was one of the few limitations of the training room. Nothing generated had a temperature.

“Am I not a morally upstanding,” Sephiroth smirked and crammed a finger harshly into Cloud’s opening, “honourable citizen?”, immediately followed by another one.

Cloud cried out in pain, his body caught between despondent passiveness and fighting the harsh intrusion.

“It hurts.” Cloud cried when Sephiroth spread his fingers apart too quickly.

“Does it?” Sephiroth teased the ring in Cloud’s right nipple with the whip before landing an astonishingly precise blow over it.

Cloud’s wailed, but it changed quickly to a different tone when Sephiroth curled his fingers up towards Cloud’s prostate. Sephiroth smiled, thinking Cloud was perfect for this when he saw the pleasure and pain warp Cloud’s features. Aroused by Cloud’s exquisite responses he continued teasing and hitting the pierced nipples, while grimly working his fingers into Cloud’s insides until Cloud was howling and crying from overstimulation, and his hands came up to protect his chest.

Sephiroth pulled his fingers out and let them glide over the slicked skin, stroking Cloud a few times, drawing more whimpers, before walking up to stand beside Cloud’s head. Sephiroth grabbed fistfuls of Cloud’s hair and forcefully, but graciously slow, pulled to lower Cloud’s mouth over his erection again. This time Cloud met it eagerly, opening his mouth just enough to allow a tight passage, letting his tongue provide warmth and wetness as best as he could manage.

Sephiroth hummed with appreciation and let his hands relax into comforting caresses, removing sticky strands from Cloud’s messy face. Cloud moaned and let his mouth slide up and down Sephiroth’s length, twisting his body to accommodate it better. He could feel his own arousal staggering quickly and he moved his hand to close around his own pounding hardness. He’d barely touched it before the whip was there, bringing a sharp, hot sting on his hand that made him flinch.

Sephiroth stepped out of Cloud’s reach and brushed Clouds lips in passing as he walked to the table with the props.

“On your fours, soldier.” He instructed while selecting another tool, a leather paddle, not very wide, but wide enough to not break the skin too easily.

Sephiroth also picked out a leather collar with a metal chain attached to it.

When he turned back to the table Cloud was waiting on his hands and knees, his body shivering from tiredness and tension. His face looked weary, but there was an unmistakable spark of anticipation in his eyes.

“You’re very obedient today.” Sephiroth murmured, coming to stroke Cloud’s face before leaning in for a kiss.

Cloud leaned into every touch, his senses working in overdrive, his feelings a raging threat just behind the pleasure Sephiroth brought him. Sephiroth carefully fastened the collar around Cloud’s neck, generously caressing and planting kisses on Cloud’s face while doing so. He thought Cloud had never looked so lovely before. He’d seen Cloud fall apart like this before, but his unhesitant submission made him more delectable. He took Cloud’s face in his hands for one last kiss, grinning at Cloud’s needy response, before moving to Clouds side.

“You should stay still, and you should look. You should consider your dreams carefully, Cloud.” Sephiroth said, giving a meaningful tug at the chain, before he raised the paddle to the front of Cloud’s thighs.

Sephiroth’s blows weren’t hard, they were teasing. The paddle made a noise louder than it’s strikes, which kept Cloud’s attention firmly on what happened in the room between them. The mirrors also helped. Seeing himself like that was no doubt humiliating, but he felt like he deserved it. He deserved to be punished for the people he’d killed, for choosing Zack: the hot killing machine, for working for Shin-Ra, for his entanglement with Sephiroth… the wraith of sex and violence. He hated those things about his life now, about himself, and he felt like he really should suffer for them. He wasn’t even sure wanted to continue living like that, and it felt so good to hand all of that over to Sephiroth.

“Enter me.” Cloud said in low, ragged voice, their eyes meeting in the mirror.

Sephiroth smiled and landed a few harder blows on the tender cheeks of Cloud’s backside, making Cloud’s breath hitch.

“Fuck me.” Cloud asked again, articulating clearly, his chest heaving and his eyes taking on a darker shade.

“Stand still.” Sephiroth replied with a challenge, his voice low and seductive.

Cloud wondered how many had heard Sephiroth speak like that when he braced himself for what was coming. Sephiroth’s eyes were crackling with excitement when he raised the paddle and started landing it on Cloud’s backside and the back of his thighs. He didn’t have to hit too hard in order to make Cloud’s body vibrate and offer broken cries, the skin was already sore from before.

Whenever Cloud tried to lower his head the chain was tugged, to remind him to look at his depraved self, unable to tell if he was crying from pain, for an end, or for more. Sephiroth’s blows were unwavering and Cloud could feel his body losing strength. He forced himself to breathe deeper, but when he stilled his cries Sephiroth beat him harder. 

Finally, Cloud couldn’t take it anymore, his of vision shrinking, and he caved like a house of cards on the bench. He could hear Sephiroth purr in satisfaction before he felt cool hands stroking his back, over the tender skin of his backside, over the swollen folds where his legs met his torso, all of it pulsating with furious heat. In contrast he relished Sephiroth’s hands when they gently caressed up the sensitive, untouched skin of the inside of his thighs. Cloud let out pleasured hums between his exhausted whimpers, all in the queer mix of sensations that Sephiroth instilled.

“You did well, my little soldier slut.” Sephiroth murmured lovingly into Cloud’s temples as he helped arrange Cloud’s body into a more comfortable position.

Sephiroth raised the table with a lever and pulled Cloud’s hips to the edge of the bench, letting the feet drop to the floor. He helped fold Clouds arms and place his head on them, all while stroking the quivering body tenderly. He found another bottle on the table and poured it all over Cloud’s red and pulsing backside, visibly altering between red and white, wishing the liquid could sting with coldness.

“Please fuck me Sephiroth.” Cloud whispered, knowing he didn’t have to, but wanting to make sure that Sephiroth knew he still wanted it.

He could see Sephiroth looking up in mild surprise before his expression turned slightly softer, a smile dancing on his otherwise neutral face. Sephiroth pressed himself into Cloud’s backside and leaned forward to give a long stroke over Cloud’s mistreated body, pulling his hands to Clouds ass, spreading the cheeks. Cloud hummed hoarsely as he felt Sephiroth crowd himself against the opening.

Instead of the steady pressure he was used to when being entered he felt Sephiroth’s hands spreading him out, his thumbs being pushed inside instead of the erection. The short but strong fingers curved around the inside of his rim, temporary smoothing out wrinkles, before obscenely opening him up. Cloud felt the heavy shame of filth coming over him, but all he could manage in protest was a groan. He could see Sephiroth’s face breaking out into a cold, victorious smile before he finally pushed himself inside the gaping, twitching, red hole.

Cloud wasn’t as warmed up as he usually was so he could his muscles and flesh stretch uncomfortably to accommodate Sephiroth’s fearsomely hard erection. Still, he welcomed it, feeling himself twitch against the soaked and slippery bench he was lying on. Sephiroth didn’t wait for Cloud to get used to the penetration before settling into a demanding rhythm. Cloud quickly discovered that the discomfort of being penetrated was nothing to the searing pain that rose when Sephiroth’s body slammed into his sore skin, and it soon had him crying in whimpers again.

Cloud could feel his overloaded senses rushing him towards his peak, but mere seconds from it Sephiroth stopped all his movement, and sloped down, laying his upper body against Cloud’s back. Sephiroth’s hand found golden strands at the back of Cloud’s head, scratching into them as if petting a dog.

“Did you dream of this?” Sephiroth asked, audibly amused.

Cloud looked at them in the mirror, and slowly shook his head.

“Why not? You and me on a blanket, next to a cosy camp-fire...” Sephiroth slowly raised himself and started rolling his hips gently.

“…our bodies covered in wounds from the battle…” his eyes were glowing with lust and something else as he picked up the pace.

“…and the blood from our enemies…” his hands were digging into Clouds hips and he was suddenly pounding into the warm tightness.

“…and our fallen comrades.” now he was thrusting so violently Cloud had to grab the bench to keep it from slipping away, his knuckles white, and his muscles rapidly tensing up.

Cloud could see it now for the first time, the madness in Sephiroth’s eyes. He wanted to scream, but his breath was caught, only propelled by Sephiroth pushing into his body so hard. The sounds of the room, even the sensations of his body faded out at the sight of that madness. How could he have missed it before? It was so obvious, so overpowering. Cloud could feel the dull pressure and the rush of blood to his sex and distantly he could feel releasing himself against the table. He felt Sephiroth’s hands crushing his flesh as he shot himself into Cloud, but in comparison the dull pain on his hips felt more important.

Sephiroth quickly pulled out and zipped up his pants. He went and fetched the piano chair and sat himself down on it, his back to Cloud’s face. Cloud watched in the mirror as Sephiroth closed his eyes, and he could see the feelings being drained from Sephiroth’s face. New thoughts were flashing through Cloud’s mind, thoughts of concern for Sephiroth. Only moments had passed since the face turned perfectly calm, before Cloud started to second guess what he’d seen. Still, what Sephiroth had said about fallen enemies and friends, that had to be true. That was true for all wars, he was quickly realising.

Cloud laboriously reached out his hand over the edge of the bench, letting his damp fingers tenderly stroke Sephiroth’s head.

“I’m so sorry.” Cloud whispered. 

Even though he didn’t know any details, he realised he’d always had enough information to understand some of the burdens his childhood hero must have carried. How come he’d never thought about that before?! He felt so dumb. He had been sure Sephiroth would pull away from his touch, but he didn’t, so Cloud kept stroking. Cloud’s brows knit together with discomfort as he felt Sephiroth’s load starting to spill out of him, dripping onto the studio floor and running down his legs. He was still to fatigued to even collect them together though, so he just let things be.

“How come you came here?” Cloud eventually asked, his voice hoarse and tired.

“I work with scheduling and I saw that you’d been in here since 2 am.” Sephiroth sounded calm, maybe a bit distant.

“You were worried about me?” Cloud asked, genuinely surprised.

“I thought it was curious, that’s all.”

“Oh…” Cloud put that down as a yes, to himself.

“What now, soldier?” Sephiroth asked, still sounding neutral.

“Can we stay like this a little longer? I like your hair…” Cloud mumbled and managed one more caress before he fell asleep.

Sephiroth knew there wasn’t any good reason to stay there, but for once he indulged himself and sat with Cloud’s hand limp on his head for some time. Then he stood up and wrapped Cloud in his leather coat and carried him to his apartment a second time.

He ran the bath and thought how things had changed since the first time he’d bathed the unconscious Cloud. Then it had been an annoying chore, a result from a stupid spur of the moment decision, mostly done to pick on Zack’s attention. Now he couldn’t deny his attachment to this silly blond, no matter how impractical it was. He took his time healing and scrubbing the skin gently, rubbing his favourite shampoo into Cloud’s hair as carefully as he was contemplating his own feelings. Whichever way he thought about them, they would have to go.

He called the costume department to ring up someone to deliver new suitable clothing for Cloud and to pick up the damp training clothes, and then he called Zack.

“Zackary, are you home?”

“Hi Seph, yeah Angeal is here, we’ve been in meetings all day. What’s up?”

“Can I bring Cloud over? I went to check on him, he’d been in the training room for over 12 hours and now he’s asleep. It seems he’s unsettled from yesterday’s mission.”

“Yeah, I thought he might be. Please come over. Thanks so much Seph.”

When Cloud was dressed Sephiroth got stuck at the door, carrying Cloud in his arms. Cloud’s face was so peaceful and content, and Sephiroth wanted to keep him close for a little bit longer. With a tired sigh he collected himself, and stepped out of his flat to make way towards Zack’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos, feedback and suggestions always welcome! I'm always curious about what other people think.


	13. P: The other lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud struggles a bit with his relationship to Zack. He also gets to know Angeal a little better.
> 
> No heavy smut, just some fluffy foreplay.

Before Cloud opened his eyes he could feel a warm body lying next to him, petting his head lightly.

“Sephiroth?” Cloud mumbled before he opened his eyes.

“Ah, no, it’s me.” Zack stirred, putting his PHS away to kiss Cloud’s golden spikes.

“Is that okay, that you’re here, at my place? Otherwise, Angeal can take you to yours, or I can, or whatever… Sephiroth had things to do so he had to go after he brought you here.” Zack spoke hesitantly, stumbling over the words.

Cloud opened his eyes and stared into Zack’s worried face, instantly feeling guilty.

“Of course! Zack…” Cloud mumbled and wrapped his arms around Zack’s solid and comforting body, taking deep breaths filled with his familiar scent of sunshine and ocean.

Cloud could feel the hopelessness of yesterday returning, and soon he started sobbing, causing wet stains to flower on Zack’s tank top.

“What’s wrong, Cloud? Please, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.” Zack pleaded in a soft voice, wrapping himself around Cloud in a protective gesture.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” Cloud sniveled.

Zack pulled a sharp breath but waited patiently for Cloud to continue.

“SOLDIER, Shin-Ra, I don’t think I’m tough enough. Killing people… I feel awful.” Cloud spoke disjointedly, sounding distant.

“Oh…” Zack sighed in relief, inwardly scolding himself for worrying so easily about their relationship.

“I… I didn’t like to see you killing people either.” Cloud said, shame training his voice.

“Oh Cloud… I think almost everyone feels like that when they’re new. I hate to say it, but you kind of get used to it. Anyway… I’m not going to sugar-coat it and Shin-Ra doesn’t advertise it, but once you’re on the mako treatments it’s... hard to leave.” Zack sounded tired, and it made Cloud look up with concern.

“I’m sorry it was hard for you to see me like that,” Zack apologised in a grave voice.

“I’m sorry too. It’s not your fault. Gaia, I feel so stupid...” Cloud pulled Zack closer, doing his best to feel at home in his arms again.

“Don’t. I’d like to think I could help you work through those feelings, but I can’t if you won’t let me. Please let me help you, Cloud. I don’t want you to feel alone in this.” Zack did his best to keep himself together for Cloud’s sake. He managed to keep his voice steady, warm and calm.

Cloud mashed his face into Zack’s comforting chest and nodded, feeling guilty that he hadn’t wanted to ask Zack for help yesterday. He must have been out of his mind to have wanted to stay with Sephiroth the day before.

“Angeal is here, he’s in the kitchen, I think he’s made breakfast. He was here yesterday and decided to stay when he heard about you. He got worried too…” 

Cloud nodded again, and then started to pull the blanket off. His eyebrows raised when he noticed we was wearing light grey silk pyjamas.

“Sephiroth really does like to deck you out.” Zack said with an appreciative smile playign in his eyes.

Cloud’s face flushed lightly and he busied himself with wiping his face with the sleeves before getting towed off into the main room to join Angeal.

Angeal gave Cloud a warm, compassionate smile nodding to the table which was fully loaded with eggs, bacon, bread, cheese, tea and coffee.

“I hope it hasn’t grown cold yet,” Angeal said apologetically.

They ate breakfast mostly in silence, but the atmosphere was friendly.

“I have an early morning briefing, am I okay to go?” Zack asked Cloud as he cleared Cloud’s plate.

“Yeah of course. Can I stay here for a bit? My schedule isn’t fixed this week but I don’t think I’d get much out of practice today anyway…” Cloud said, sounding perkier.

“Yeah, I’ll stop by for lunch. See you then if you’re still here.” Zack gave Cloud a kiss and let his hand stroke down Angeal’s arm before he rushed to get ready for his meeting.

“Can… I talk to you?” Cloud walked up to Angeal who was busy doing the dishes.

“Of course.”

Cloud grabbed a fresh tea-towel from a drawer and started to dry dishes, smiling at the fact that they were both well aware that Zack wouldn’t do them for days, quite possibly longer, if they were left.

“Me and Zack… we were together at the emergency mission the day before yesterday. That was the first time I saw Zack in combat with enemies that weren’t monsters or machines. He was… excellent.” Cloud spoke slowly, not certain on how to approach the topic.

“…but?” Angeal already had his suspicions about what was coming.

“I don’t get it. Zack is so kind. He seems to love people so much. How can he just cut them down like that? Like it’s nothing. He seemed like a completely different person …” Cloud kept drying the same plate, feeling the distant panic hiding somewhere inside him.

“Come on, let’s go sit down.” Angeal gently took the plate and the towel from Cloud, setting them aside and moving to the sofa.

“When Zack came to Shin-Ra, he wanted to be a hero. He wanted to save everyone. It’s a common dream for people who join Shin-Ra, I'm sure you know that.”

Cloud looked at his hands in his lap and nodded.

“I believe it’s equally common to have to adjust your dream, once you’re here. Naturally you also have to find a way to be able to do your job, in order to… be able to stay with Shin-Ra. I think it took a long time for Zack to work out a balance despite his love for and attachment to people.” Angeal continued.

“Part of me gets that, but I don’t understand how I will be able to do that.” Cloud said in a small voice.

“You need to find something in your life that you can honour, Cloud, even as a soldier. And you have to have dreams. It will help you know who you are. You are not Shin-Ra.” Angeal put a steady hand on Cloud’s shoulder.

Cloud nodded slowly and inched closer to Angeal, who lifted his arm to wrap around Cloud. He knew instantly that what Angeal had just said was correct in theory, but he’d have to figure out how to put it into practice. It’d be a different thing still for it to impact his emotions about killing people on the job.

“You taught him so well.” Cloud said quietly.

“Hmmm, I wonder!” Angeal gave a soft, hearty chuckle.

“Don’t forget that Zack made the same choice as you did, Cloud. A SOLDIER’s life can never be ordinary.”

“Yeah…” Cloud crept closer to Angeal until their bodies were touching and he could lay his head on Angeal’s shoulder. 

Angeal felt so solid, even more so than Zack. He thought Zack would probably become just as solid with time. Probably less reserved, though.

“You’ll be alright,” Angeal said with reassuring conviction, giving Cloud a warm squeeze and ruffling his hair.

They sat for a long time there, longer than Cloud thought he had a right to ask for, before Angeal finally said that he needed to get on with his day. Cloud thanked him for staying and for their talk before he left Cloud alone in Zack’s apartment.

Cloud decided to finish up the dishes, take a long shower and wait for Zack to return for lunch. When he walked into the bedroom to rummage through Zack’s closet, he had to roll his eyes when saw his dance-practice uniform dry-cleaned and folded up on a chair. How much did Sephiroth spend on clothes and dry-cleaning each month?! Honestly, what a waste!

He prepared a simple lunch and then sat down on the sofa, going through his dance choreography in his mind, making sure he remembered it all while waiting for Zack to come back home.

When he heard the door open, he rose to greet Zack at the door, blushing slightly when thinking he was acting like a proper housewife.

“Cloud—” Zack was immediately hugged fiercely, struggling a bit to get rid of his shoes without breaking the hug.

“Thank you, Zack, for always being there for me. Thank you for leaving me with Angeal. Thank you for everything.” Cloud was gushing, feeling guilty that he’d been so shaken by simply seeing Zack in his SOLDIER capacity. 

“You don’t have to thank me for anything! You’d do the same for me!” Zack laughed and ruffled Cloud’s hair.

“Mmm, but today I made you some lunch!” Cloud covered Zack’s cheek with kisses before dragging him to the table.

Zack’s smile covered his face ear to ear at seeing Cloud more animated. The simple noodles with a soft-boiled egg and chopped vegetables looked wonderful, even though he’d already eaten. There was no way he’d let Cloud know.

They had a nice lunch and decided that Cloud would come back for the evening. Zack was going off on a mission the next day, and Cloud would get stationed at the Honey Bee Inn before he got back, so it was going to be at least a week and a half before they could see each other again.

Normally, Zack was never nervous about leaving for a mission, but now when he had Cloud, he found himself struggling with it. He tried not to think about their time as if it were limited, even though he knew that was more than likely for one reason or another. He swallowed his worries along with some noodles and gave Cloud another compliment about the food. Really, he felt so lucky.

Cloud went to the training room in the afternoon and loaded another training program focused on conversation training since he was going to be playing hostess at the Honey Bee Inn. Every half hour he had to take a break, resting his head on his arms on the table, dreading his upcoming mission. He really wasn’t feeling up for this.

When evening came, he had never been happier to step into Zack’s apartment. He could feel all the stress about his work pour off of him as he saw Zack’s face light up. Cloud couldn’t resist the urge to jump up to wrap his legs around Zack’s waist. ‘SOLDIER perks’ he thought.

“How was your day, honey?” Cloud whispered into Zack’s ear, only half joking.

Cloud’s body shook softly with Zack’s laughter before his neck was assaulted by tickling, black spikes of hair.

That evening while they were watching TV, Cloud’s thoughts drifted away in a dream of a life shared with Zack. A quiet and safe life, with a little house with enough room to share with their friends. He stopped watching the TV and pulled Zack into his lap so he could stroke those unruly black strands, watching his beloved’s face instead.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Zack purred, drowsy from the spoiling touches.

“Not really, but I think I will be,” Cloud said, trying to choose the least alarming version of the truth. “Angeal told me to have dreams.” 

Zack reached for the remote, turning the TV off.

“Yeah, he told me that too when I was new.” Zack turned to his back and stretched his arms over his head, wrapping them around Cloud’s waist.

“What are your dreams?” Cloud asked, anxious to know if he had a place in them or not.

“Oh… I’d like to mentor for the soldier programme and be just as good a teacher as Angeal was to me. I’d like to help them do their best in Shin-Ra. That’s important to me,” Zack said, cheerfully.

”Just as good?” Cloud stroked his thumb over Zack’s lower lip suggestively, a smile dancing in his eyes.

“Hmm…. Okay, maybe not THAT good!” Zack chuckled.

Cloud smiled and kissed his own thumb and pressed it lightly to Zack’s lips, making a seal to approve Zack’s reply.

“I really like Angeal.” Cloud murmured.

“Yeah… He’s hard to dislike.” Zack smiled.

“Do you know what I think I’ll dream of?” Cloud asked in a mischievous tone, deciding to change the direction of the conversation, not being able to resist having Zack like warm, sexy, gorgeous putty in his lap.

“No?” Zack was clearly interested now.

“You and Angeal together, Angeal slowly removing your top for the first time… was it one that pulled over your head or one with a zipper?” Cloud said in a low, dreamy voice.

“What the fuck, Cloud?!” Zack teased with a hearty laugh, but he was definitely blushing, looking up into Cloud’s smug face.

“How old were you? Were you feeling shy at the time? Who kissed who?” Cloud’s hands slipped below the neckline of Zack’s worn tank top, stroking possessively over Zack’s chiselled muscles.

“I get your point, Cloud. It means the world to me that you and Angeal hit it off well, but do you really want to know all the details about that?” Zack had a warm and sunny smile on his lips, but his eyes were hesitant.

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know.” Cloud started lightly teasing Zack’s sensitive nipples, barely touching them, which never failed to get Zack to beg for more.

“Shit.” Zack purred and arched his back to open up his chest to better offer it to Cloud.

“I was sixteen when I first went to Angeal hoping for that. It was after a mako treatment, I was desperately homesick and went to Angeal’s apartment half out of my mind.” Zack closed his eyes and smiled at the memory, sighing with pleasure from Cloud’s touches.

“Mhmm?” Cloud moved his hands to Zack’s shoulders, massaging them slowly, feeling Zack’s doubts loosen under his touch.

“He only tied me up and spoke to me for hours and hours until I calmed down. It took years before he allowed himself to take me wanting him seriously.” Zack’s face turned a deeper shade of red.

“Tell me.” Cloud’s voice was low and a little rugged. 

He was back to Zack’s nipples now, pinching them ever so softly which was enough to make Zack hum and fidget with pleasure.

“We’d just completed a mission in Costa del Sol but there had been some mistake at the inn. We were booked in a double room and it was scorching hot. Wearing clothes was unbearable so we just spent the evening lounging around in underwear. I could feel him looking. I guess I didn’t look like a kid anymore by then…” Zack’s fingers were gently drawing little circles on Cloud’s hips, and he looked up on Cloud every now and then, making sure that the mood wasn’t changing.

“He tried to sleep in an armchair but I coaxed him into staying next to me on the bed, promising I wouldn’t touch him unless he touched me first. Not sure I could have kept that promise, but I didn’t have to.” Zack chuckled fondly at the memory.

“We laid there just staring into each other’s eyes, having this awful battle of wills. Then he finally asked me what I expected from him if he would touch me. He told me why he hadn’t, why he’d been hesitating. I mean, it seems stupid now, right? I was in the middle of puberty, on mako, and he was my mentor.” Zack opened his eyes and found Cloud was still smiling, maybe less smug, more loving.

“When Angeal figured we were on the same page he just kissed me. It was the first time I kissed someone I loved.” Zack practically beamed when he told the story, not only because it was a fond memory, but also because he was happy to share it with Cloud.

“Sounds a bit familiar.” Cloud said, his voice thick with emotion, his hands tangled in black hair again.

“Yeah. Angeal taught me so much more than how to fight. He taught me who I wanted to be.” Zack quieted, but his eyes continued to spill warmth into the room and into Cloud.

Cloud gently lifted Zack’s head off his lap and slid himself down to the floor so that he could kneel in front of the sofa. Then he leaned his head forward to kiss Zack gently, only letting their lips touch. Cloud felt like he was bathing in all the warmth coming from Zack and he hoped he was reflecting some of it back at him, too. In his mind, he vowed to work hard to continue to be someone Zack could love and be proud of. He knew that as long as Zack loved him, he would be okay; if Zack loved him, he knew he would be able to love himself too. That’s the way Zack’s love seemed to work.

“Zack…” Cloud whispered, only pulling a fraction of an inch away from the kiss.

“Mmm?” Zack’s smile was so calm, confident and content.

“I want to take you to bed.” Cloud continued, expressing his profound need to do something about his gushing heart, which was threatening to melt and leak out of his skin if he didn’t.

“Mmm…” Zack’s smile grew wider, and his eyes twinkled with that warm affection Cloud had come to know so well.

“Tell me what you’d like. I wanna spoil you absolutely rotten.” Cloud whispered and planted damp kisses on Zack’s lips while he tensely waited for an answer.

“You do, huh?” Zack’s eyes glazed over, staring into Cloud’s expectant face.

“And I can ask for anything?” Zack reached a hand and tugged a blond spike playfully, seeming hesitant.

“Anything.” Cloud tempted by slipping his tongue into Zack’s mouth, letting it slowly wet his lips.

“Then… I’d like to lie in your lap while you talk about what we did on our first date… in that alley… while I touch myself…” Zack could only speak in short bursts, his pulse already quickening, his face flushed with excitement.

“That’s what you want?!” Cloud burst into giggles and put his hand on Zack’s rapidly growing bulge.

“Yeah! Can I use my favourite vibrator?” Zack laughed, relieved that Cloud hadn’t chosen to tease him about it.

“That sounds like fun!” Cloud put his other hand on Zack’s and pushed it towards him, covering Zack’s palm with kisses.

“And then… when it's not enough any more, can I lie on top of you like you did at the Honey Bee Inn? I want you to fuck me just like I did you, while you tell me how you remember it.” Zack softly rolled his hips into Cloud’s hand, stumbling over his words, his eyes fixed on Cloud, glowing with anticipation.

“That’s really all you want?” Cloud wasn’t even sure what he’d expected, but clearly that wasn’t it.

“Yeah! That was one of the most intense experiences of my life, Cloud! Don’t you get that?! I mean… you were there?” Zack smiled and kissed Cloud gently.

“I mean, I just… you’ve been with many—” Cloud mumbled.

“Gods, Cloud! This might come as a surprise, but I don’t have earth-shattering, mind-blowing sex every time I sleep with someone. I’m also not in love with everyone I sleep with. I mean, to me, that’s a pretty rare combination anyway!” Zack playfully rolled himself off of the sofa to the floor, pulling Cloud on top of himself.

“I’ll keep that in mind!” Cloud giggled when Zack tickled his neck with kisses.

“Yeah, you should! Can we go now? To the bed? I wanna get fucked.” Zack nibbled energetically at Cloud’s ear.

“Yeah! Off to the bed, Mr. Fair, sir!” Cloud playfully declared.

Zack’s body surged with power, lifting Cloud from the floor into his arms in an effortless display of strength that quietly blew Cloud’s mind as he was carried off to the bedroom.

“You can’t forget to talk about the cakes and the ass-biting.” Zack eagerly said between kisses.

“I won’t. I have a pretty good memory of that night too, Mr. Fair.” Cloud laughed.

“Cloud, you fucking blow my mind, do you know that?” Zack said, tossing Cloud playfully on the bed, kissing him passionately before rummaging through messy drawers in search for his favourite toys, lube and condoms.

Cloud rubbed his face jokingly, as if trying to soften it up after smiling so wide for so long.

“Yeah, you too.” Cloud said, his eyes sparkling brightly like snow on a mountain top, and reached his arms out to welcome Zack onto his lap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're into Angeal/ Zack I've written a few side-fics about them, so check them out! I think they're utterly hot.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!


	14. C/Z: Phone Hot Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud and Zack do some cute ass sexting. Zack uses toys on himself, bc. lewd a.f. <3 Furaffu.

Cloud was in his own bed, texting with Zack the day before he himself was to be stationed out. Zack was already out somewhere, doing something he couldn’t talk about. He missed Zack terribly, still feeling somewhat guilty that he couldn’t entirely shake the feeling of Zack as ‘the beautiful and kind killing machine’. Maybe that was okay. Maybe that was exactly how it was. Cloud smiled at Zack’s new nickname in his phone. He’d overheard Angeal call him it in passing and he’d barely kept himself from laughing out loud. When Zack had seen it, he’d put ‘Spike’ in for Cloud’s nickname in his phone, even though it didn’t quite have the same ring to it.

Puppy: “Are you nervous?”

Spike: “So so.”

Puppy: “Don’t worry, what I saw from your practice was fucking gorgeous. No one could possibly argue with that. And please keep that dance-practice outfit. Wear it for me sometimes.”

Spike: “Pervert.”

Puppy: “So what if I am? What does that make you?”

Spike: “Good point.”

Puppy: “So when am I gonna see your costumes?”

Spike: “Are you alone now?”

Puppy: “Yeah I have a room of my own this time. They’re that good?!”

Spike: “You tell me.”

Cloud grinned and sent the photos from the Shin-Ra costume department’s dressing room over, the one with him in the moogle leotard, the chocobo costume with the feathery bustle and lastly the hero outfit with the short A-shaped leather skirt and boob-armor, a headpiece and high boots. He had taken the photos for Zack specifically, doing ironic sexy poses in each, but even he had to give it to that feathery bustle, it looked good.

Puppy: “You’re fucking kidding me.”

After a silent minute, Cloud’s phone lit up with a voice call request from Zack. He smirked to himself and accepted.

“So… did you end up needing the room to yourself?” Cloud asked after another few seconds of silence, even though he wasn’t the one who’d made the call.

“Yeah…” Zack gave a long groan.

The photographs had sent one chill down his spine after another. To see his fairly quiet and reserved boyfriend in those outrageous outfits, knowing that the photos had been taken just for him… It made him stare at his phone as if he couldn’t believe his eyes.

The moogle leotard hugged Cloud’s curves in a way too revealing way, including the outlines of his sex which was just… outrageous. Cloud was posing with a hand on his hip, blowing a kiss into the photographed mirror image of himself, holding the phone in his other. The high cut hips made his legs look impossibly long and Zack was inclined to think of those legs as some kind of stairway to nirvana, now featuring a limited-edition lewd moogle-costume special. Something with the headpiece with the ears and the ball on a steel feather just contrasted the rest of the revealing outfit in the most playful, inviting way.

The chocobo outfit’s base was a yellow two piece, a nondescript crop top and boxers with short legs which made the ‘containment’ easier. On the waist a separate short bustle with fluffy yellow feathers was mounted on a large mesh made out of boning. ‘Hoop skirt’, it said on the label. It made his thoughts turn to antique undergarments, which were also emphasized by the feathered hat which also had a kind of quirky, old fashioned style. In the photo Cloud was standing on one leg, the shot taken in profile, and he was arching his back enough to lift the bustle just to show the perfect curves of his ass peeking underneath it. The impression was not unlike a bored, perching chick, just waiting around for something interesting to happen. Cloud’s face was turned to the mirror in a cheeky wink.

The photo of the hero-outfit was stunning. The A-line of the skirt was the perfect length to add shape to Cloud’s hips, the skirt consisted of U-shaped leather panels with pieces of metal on it, promising glimpses of skin with his movements. The thigh-high boots made sure that no one would miss the milky skin of Cloud’s thighs. The boob-armour was silly, but it looked good in that ridiculous way. Cloud’s outfit was topped off with a war-themed tiara, equally over the top, but left the unmistakable impression of a fierce, very fuckable goddess of war. Zack could see why this was his final choice. It would lend itself well to battle, not hampering any movements in case of trouble breaking out during the mission. It was also the most… girly, given Cloud’s male body as a starting point.

“Which one is your favourite?” Cloud asked, a smile in his voice.

“How can I pick?” I mean, for revealing purposes, obviously the moogle leotard framed your… package most deliciously. You’re practically gift-wrapped in it.” Zack’s voice sounded a bit rough around the edges.

Cloud could tell how turned on Zack’s was from his tone which was exactly what he’d hoped for.

“Then the chocobo one, Gaia… Cloud, we  _ have _ to get you one… then again, we might never see daylight again…”

“You’re into chocobos, then?” Cloud giggled.

“Well, it happens I’m seeing this really cute sexy guy and rumour says his hair looks just like a chocobo-butt, so yeah, I guess I’ve grown partial.”

“I could use a feather to tease you.” Cloud giggled, but didn’t want to lose the mood.

“Oh yeah, how would you do that?” Zack sounded like he already had ideas about how it was going to happen.

“I’d brush the feather along your body, your chest and arms, your legs… and wherever there’s a sensitive spot I’d kiss, lick and suck you. Like chocobo-hot-and-cold?”

Zack gave a drawn-out groan at the thought.

“Are you touching yourself, Mr. Fair, sir?” Cloud put on his best mock-official voice.

“Yep, definitely.” Cloud could hear the warmth in Zack’s voice, both the fondness and the heat of lust, which sent a jolt straight to his groin.

“That’s so dirty, Mr. Fair.” Cloud couldn’t entirely hide his amusement while trying to sound indignant.

“Yeah, I’m really, really pervy for my boyfriend. He’s so fucking gorgeous, I just want to scream when I’m thinking about him.” Zack’s voice was dark and smooth like velvet, obviously putting on a show for Cloud.

It should have been funny, but Cloud only found it ridiculously hot. In his mind he could see Zack’s eyes turning dark with lust, but it was never unpleasant. More like what a beautiful sunset is to daylight.

“So where would your hot spots be if I were to look for them with a feather, and my mouth?” Cloud murmured enthusiastically into the phone.

“Oh I’m sure you know a few, like my nipples… I love it when you tease them, making them used to your touch before you bite them. Gaia, Cloud… maybe we should get more toys?” Zack was clearly getting worked up while thinking about just how he liked to be touched.

“Mmm, or matching piercings?” Cloud said before he could stop himself.

A second passed before they both broke into laughter.

“Would Sephiroth hate it or love it?” Cloud giggled.

“Who knows! He’s hard to read, that slippery bastard,” Zack laughed.

“Yeah! Any more spots?” Cloud absolutely didn’t want to let the conversation dwell on anything but him and Zack.

“Hmmm.. maybe my armpits? If I shaved them, would you kiss me there? No one’s ever touched that skin since before I grew hair there.”

“Yeah, let’s do that. I love your chest and your arms, so why wouldn’t I love the space in between?” Cloud said, picturing Zack’s amazing chest and strong arms, which made him salivate. He swallowed hard, grinning at his own bodily reactions.

“Yeah… and the back of my knees…” Zack’s voice had a slight tremor to it now.

“Yeah… how are you touching yourself?”

“With my hand.”

“Did you bring toys?”

“Yeah…” Zack said after a short moment of hesitation, slightly surprised at the question.

“What did you bring?”

“My favourite plug, it has a slight curve and a handle… and a vibrator… also quite… ergonomic…” Cloud smiled from hearing the slight, rare, embarrassment on Zack’s voice.

“Would you like to go and get the vibrator?” Cloud suggested, his voice a bit hoarse.

“Yeah… Hold on, then.” Zack quickly adjusted to the unexpected turn of the conversation.

Cloud could hear rustling as Zack put his phone down, and within a minute he was back. Cloud chewed his lip nervously, trying not to think about the fact that he didn’t know what he was doing, but he could tell Zack was enjoying himself and quite frankly, so was he, sneaking one hand down the lining of his pyjamas where a wet patch had already started to form.

“This won’t be the first time I use my vibrator while thinking about you, you know. This is a routine that started long before we first got together,” Zack confessed, sounding gleeful.

“No way!” Cloud was comfortably blushing alone in his room and licking his lips.

“Yeah, I even asked Angeal to spank me for entertaining such… inappropriate thoughts.”

“…he spanks you?” Cloud’s mouth went dry in an instant at the insanely hot images that crashed into his mind.

“Yeah.” Zack said in a tortured whine, obviously affected by his memories of that.

“Lube up, put your fingers in, and tell me more,” Cloud said in a low voice while giving himself a few harder strokes that made him hum softly.

“I asked him to spank me for thinking about you so many times that he finally grew tired of it and told me to just ask you out!” Zack said in a breathy voice.

Cloud could hear the sound of the lube cap being opened and Zack softly moaning, presumably from entering himself.

“You sound so good… So good…” Cloud murmured in a daze, picturing Zack with a pink flush on his face and backside, laying exposed over Angeal’s lap, Angeal’s solid hand kneading Zack’s pink, formidable ass, making him moan...

“Yeah? I wish it was your fingers… I miss your hands, and your kisses… and your pink, swollen, glistening cock.”

Cloud couldn’t help to let out a moan of his own when thinking about pushing himself into Zack’s hot, tight, wet hole framed by pink, hot cheeks.

“Zack…” Cloud had intended to scold him, but it came out as a breathless plea instead.

“Are you getting swept up in the mood too, chocobo-butt?”

“With you? That’s a given. But returning to the important business of me in the chocobo costume, would you want to be fucked, or fuck me?” Cloud had to change the subject to hold out longer.

“Oh, that bustle is made for lifting, Cloud. The way it would frame your perfect, perky ass, the feathers tickling my stomach with every push, I’d have to fuck you in that.” Zack’s voice turned low and urgent at the thought, no laughter in sight.

“Sold.” Cloud groaned as he stroked himself, thinking maybe he should get some toys of his own too, shivering from Zack’s beautiful, familiar, turned on voice.

“Though there’s probably a situation where I’d gladly let you fuck me in it too… I mean… it’s you…” Zack couldn’t drop the image, the possibilities laid out like a delicious sex-buffet in his mind.

“Are you ready for that vibrator?” Cloud asked quietly.

“Mmh… yeah.” 

“Put it at your entrance and touch yourself, but don’t put it in just yet.”

“Cloud…” Zack whined unconvincingly.

“You know I love to tease you so now you have to do it for me.” Cloud used his best bedroom voice, low, soft, and just a little bit demanding.

“I never would have thought we’d be having this conversation… ever.” Zack sighed with pleasure, obviously busying himself with exactly what he’d been asked.

“Well, correct me if I’m wrong, but you never thought I’d be gay for you, either.” Cloud said smugly.

“Please Cloud, I want it inside… can I?” Zack pleaded.

“No. But turn it on if that would help.”

Zack was whimpering, and Cloud could hear the rustle of the sheets. He assumed Zack couldn’t hold entirely still anymore.

“I’m so gay for you, Zack.” Cloud whispered. “I love to take you in my mouth, tasting your pleasure, making you leak, hearing your voice, teasing your entrance with my tongue, holding you at the edge of release…” Cloud forced himself to say the things he was picturing even though he was really embarrassed to.

The payoff was just too good.

“Fuck… I’m so close and it’s not even in yet.” Zack whined.

“Then stop. Put your hands on the bed next to you.” Cloud tried to say it like encouragement, a kind suggestion.

“Ahhh Cloud, I want it so bad…” Zack sounded as if he were begging for his life, which made Cloud heady with a sense of control.

“I love how I can touch you since we started dating. To have your head in my lap while we’re watching TV, to touch your hair, feeling you melt into my touch. When you’re gone I miss touching you like that.” Cloud said, softening up, hoping this would give Zack a chance to calm down without losing too much momentum.

“Mmmm yeah… I miss that too. And to see you casually naked, while I’m free to watch… you’re so fucking beautiful I think I’m gonna lose it sometimes.” Zack mumbled, sounding just a tiny bit calmer.

“Yeah? Do you think you can put it in now without coming?”

“Yeah… probably…”

“Then put it in, but don’t touch your cock. You can turn it up or whatever…”

Zack didn’t waste any time, and Cloud could hear the clicking of the lube-cap again before Zack let out a shuddering moan that sent shivers down his own spine, tugging at his own hardness, making it twitch in his hand.

“Touch your nipples, Zack.” Cloud’s voice was distorted with lust.

Zack immediately started groaning and humming, making the phone crackle from being too close to the microphone, and presumably moving around a fair bit.

“Cloud… I’m so fucking horny for you…” Zack breathed heavily.

“Yeah? Would you like to come for me Zack?”

“Yes,” Zack groaned patiently.

“Let me hear you Zack,” Cloud said, his heart beating so loudly he wondered if it made it through the phone.

Zack made a big movement because the speaker cracked again, and then Cloud could hear the wetness of Zack’s toy sliding in and out of him along with a distant buzz. Only a moment though, because soon the sound only consisted of Zack’s cries.

“Zack… Gaia… the sounds you make.” Cloud murmured like a little prayer, though not exactly feeling holy.

Cloud’s hand was soaked in his own pre-cum and rapidly growing wetter, close to the edge from picturing his oversexed partner writhing to his photographs.

“Cloud… Fu--” Zack’s sentence was interrupted by the shattering orgasm crashing into his body.

Zack’s words changed to a chesty groan which ended in whimpers before ebbing out into ragged breathing. Cloud tightened his fist over himself, remembering how incredible Zack felt around him when he came, the hot clamping down, almost so hard it hurt sometimes. With that thought, Cloud threw his head back into the pillows and came with a comparatively soft hum, careful not to drown out Zack’s wonderful articulations.

For a while, they just listened to each other’s heavy breathing. Zack ended up breaking the silence.

“Cloud…”

“Yeah?”

“You’re just a true inspiration!” Zack said, saying it in a silly voice, like a TV-commercial.

When the words settled in they both broke into laughter, like they always did.

“Yeah, we should definitely go down to the costume department together.” Cloud’s voice was brimming with sleepiness and contentment.

“Cloud, you wouldn’t believe the mess I made. I feel bad for the cleaning staff now.” Zack made the speaker crackle again as he stirred around.

“Make up for it with a good tip.”

“Mmmh…”

“When we’re home, can you show me your toys? They seem like fun,” Cloud asked drowsily.

“Wow, I didn’t know adults could feel this homesick but… Yeah. Sure… Definitely.” Zack sounded positively stunned.

“I think my favourite home is when I’m with you,” Cloud mumbled, clearly falling asleep.

“Hey, you’re making it worse…” Zack said, his voice a little thick.

“Zack…” Cloud started, but then forgot what he was going to say, eyes falling shut.

“Hey, let me know tomorrow how your first day was at the Honey Bee, yeah?” Zack purred sweetly, not wanting to stir Cloud from falling asleep.

“… love you, Zack.” Cloud managed before he was out, leaving the call running.

Zack froze up, staring at the phone as a pang of pain tore through his chest.

“Sweet dreams, Cloud.” Zack whispered and forced himself to push the button to hang up the call.

Zack had thought that people fell in love, and then arrived into the state of being in love, but with Cloud, he just kept falling. They’d known each other longer than a year now. Looking back, he’d started to fall quite quickly. Like, the first time he saw the sunshine lighting up those golden spikes up on that mountain mission. He flipped himself on the bed, placing the phone on his chest, feeling like that kid falling into the endless rabbit-hole. He could totally relate to that endless falling now, imagining the walls blurring in speed-lines as he closed his eyes to try for sleep.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments & kudos == love.


	15. P/C/S: Loveless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud is stationed under cover at the Honey Bee Inn to provide extra security for the yearly group of Shin-Ra managers performing Loveless in one of the rooms. A strange tradition, but idiots are everywhere.
> 
> Cloud goes under cover as a hostess, and on one of the nights Sephiroth turns up to play with his favourite toy...
> 
> Non-con elements and semi-public sexual acts and bla bla bla. You know he's a sadist by now. I guess this chapter is all about humilation.

Cloud was sitting on the bed of his room at the Honey Bee Inn. His first day had gone by in a blur. He’d arrived, been ushered around, shown the changing room, which he wouldn’t be using because he couldn’t dress or undress in front of others anyway. Then he’d been told to be ready to work at 9 pm.

His work ‘day’ had started with his first dance performance, after which he’d changed to a more lounge-friendly gown and then he’d socialised with clients as ‘Bilinda’ the hostess all night.

He’d chopped up his performance to the point where his only thoughts while dancing were counting down. A quarter of the way through, halfway there, three quarters of the way there, and then done. He had no idea how it had come across, and he told himself he didn’t care much either. He felt anything but elegant stumbling down the stairs backstage, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the lack of stage lighting. It took effort to avoid the curious looks he attracted from the other members of staff.

Next he had to focus on changing, making sure his makeup was ok, that he wouldn’t sweat buckets, hoping he would still pass as a girl. He forced his steps to seem smooth as he walked back to take his place at the bar in the same room he’d performed in a little while ago.

The room was large and housed both tables and more exclusive booths on a graded floor. If it wasn’t for its hostesses and the focus of lightly clad women on stage the place would have been quite friendly. As it was now, there was definitely an edge to it.

As a grace from the Honey Bee Inn, his first day was short; only ‘on duty’ until 1 am. The first few customers had been alright, in hindsight, probably because they hadn’t had time to drink too much yet. Then the unwanted touching began, and the evening went downhill from there.

At the end of the night he hadn’t even known what people had been saying around him. He'd spent all his energy not going into a killing rampage for all the trespasses on his physical integrity.

Customers had pinched, prodded, padded, and squeezed at practically every part of his body. The costume department had given him a long-line undergarment that covered all from his non-existent bust to some length below his hips in the front, shorter in the back, for this very reason. It had certainly served him well to mask his bodily features from the groping customers all night, and in a way, it had dulled their touches from his senses too.

He hadn’t realised what a brilliant recommendation it had been. He made a note to personally thank Beki, who’d helped him find the right clothes. It took him a full fifteen minutes of sitting at the edge of the bed to summon the energy to pick his phone up to text Zack.

Spike:  _ I don’t know what to say, except I’m alive, I have a room of my own and the door is locked. How about you? _

Puppy:  _ Cloud! I was just about to call you. I’m ok. I’ll be returning to HQ tomorrow. So glad you’re alive. It’s a good base to build on. Talk to you tomorrow? _

Spike: _ Yeah. Goodnight, Zack _

Puppy:  _ Goodnight, Chocobo-butt. Sleep tight. _

Cloud pulled his dress overhead and flopped down on the bed. The room smelled funny. His mind was racing too much to fall asleep, but his body was too tired to do a proper bedtime routine, so he just laid there for hours until he finally fell asleep. He’d regretted it, waking up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. It was a downright battle to struggle out of his undergarments. He slept till noon.

Waking up was awful. His body was fine, but his mind was strained. Well, maybe tonight would be better, he hoped and sighed. He was booked at a table with other Shin-Ra security staff as a part of his mission preparation, the purpose being to learn their faces. That way, they could quickly coordinate in case of any mishap when the executives arrived later.

He decided to take a walk, then go to the gym where the speakeasy would be open later. It made him feel closer to Zack, which was the only comfort he could think of. However run down and dirty, the slums had their own charm. He didn’t mind them. It made sense that Zack liked them so much.

Evening arrived, and this time he could be a little bit more in the moment while giving his performance. Actually, the dancing wasn’t so bad. He couldn’t see the audience because of the stage lights directed at him, and he could feel his body easily flexing and stretching into the movements. He could even adjust his facial expression. 

In his mind he pictured taunting Zack with his dancing. He pictured Zack’s impossibly warm blue eyes, shining with mako as he raked over Cloud’s body with his eyes. It took all the focus he had, but he could manage it. It was his job after all, and he had to do it as well as any other mission. If he couldn’t do that, then he had no right to be with Shin-Ra, or Zack for that matter.

He applause were deafening as he finally turned his back to the stage, and the Honey Bee Inn manager, who went by ‘Aunty’, gave him a nod of approval. He walked to his room to change into his hostess attire. The long, dark blue silk dress with a broad red sash slipped through his fingers and poured over his head when he put it on. He adjusted his wig, corrected his makeup and tested the tone of his voice before heading out to find the table reserved for Shin-Ra.

The rest of his second night was easy. He leaned into the people at the table, trying to look as flirty as possible in order to not attract any unwanted attention. The staff at the table all knew who he was and why he was there. No one there gave him a hard time.

To commit their faces to memory was easy and he let his focus wander to the other tables to observe the other Honey Bee’s interactions with their customers. Every girl had the same plastic smile plastered on their faces, and the customers varied wildly.

Some looked like riff raff off the streets, as if they’d spent every spare gil coming in there. Then there was the opposite kind of riff raff, the ones who looked effortlessly understated, moving with confidence and flashing smug smiles: well off people from above the plate. Cloud couldn’t decide which kind he’d least like to serve for the coming nights.

The evening passed and he texted Zack just to let him know he was still ok, and then he managed his normal evening routine before going to bed.

The next morning he didn’t feel as bad waking up, and so he went for a longer stroll in the Sector 6 slums, stopping by the gym on his way back. A few of the guys recognised him, giving him friendly winks as he started doing some warm-up squats. It felt nice. He liked this part of Sector 6 very much. The streets were bustling with everyday life; people shopping, vendors calling out their daily goods, the smell of street-food from the carts lining up at the central street, - he had no complaint about any of this.

His third evening had come. The Shin-Ra executives were supposed to arrive some time that evening. The play was to be performed the night after, and the day after that they would leave. Cloud was to stay behind another day or so just to make sure nothing suspicious was lingering, and then his mission would be done.

The mood was rowdier that night. He was made to sit with an obnoxious customer who called him princess and asked him all manner of obnoxious questions before he’d tried to actually purchase Cloud for the night.

Cloud tried to say as little as possible since his voice was a potential giveaway and did his best to put a lid on his temper. Besides, he was supposed to keep an eye on the Shin-Ra people. He could feel the mako rushing in his blood, heating it up and he wanted _ to kill _ this disgusting old man from the depths of his heart.

Fortunately, Shin-Ra had negotiated his contract with the Honey Bee Inn to spare him of these sorts of ‘transactions’, so he knew he had an out, somewhere along the line. It was still hugely uncomfortable, and frankly, a bit shocking.

When Aunty was doing her rounds and sat down at his table to ‘check in’ she immediately understood what was going on. The situation was de-escalated by transferring Cloud to another table. She let him know that the Shin-Ra executives had decided to settle into their rooms for the evening, so they wouldn’t be coming down tonight.

The rest of Cloud’s night was spent hiding his indignation at being treated like an item available for purchase. That, and suppressing the anger at the constant unwanted touching of his body.

Back in his room he expected to see bruises from all the pinches he’d received when he undressed. For better or worse, there was none, but his integrity had taken a real beating. He threw himself on the bed and pulled out his PHS to text Zack.

Spike:  _ Still alive. I miss you so much. I just want to come home to you. This mission is exhausting. _

He waited for a reply, but none came.It wasn’t rare, but that night it was particularly bad timing. He desperately longed for support, or a reminder that the mission would be over soon. That night, he fell asleep without having heard from Zack.

On his fourth day he could tell the staff was more on edge than usual, and there were Shin-Ra suits milling about the place. Apparently, the executives had requested a tour of the Sector 6 slums, as if the slums were some tourist attraction. 

Idiocy, Cloud thought and groaned while rubbing his face with his hand, trying to make it relax from the contempt that threatened to permanently crunch it up. Even though he was a country boy, he could see how wildly offensive it was.

Since all the Shin-Ra staff were going to be on the tour, he was to stay behind to make sure nothing was tampered with in their absence. In his mind he thanked the gods for not having to sit and listen to those idiots all day. Instead, he had the whole day to worry about why Zack hadn’t checked in. Fun fun fun.

His evening shift started with his dance performance, as usual. Having done this a few times now, he could really settle into the role. He even enjoyed being in the spotlight, since he wasn’t really himself after all. He was Bilinda.

To think of it like that gave him the distance he needed to do his job excellently. On that stage, that night, something felt different. It was as if he could feel the gaze of the audience prickle his skin, making it tingle. He felt like someone had wrapped his brain with cotton wadding, and the air around him felt thick and heavy as he moved it around like a fluid. It was exhilarating.

He pushed through the movements in the same way he did combat, and he assumed he’d found the right headspace for dancing because that night, it felt like breathing. When he finished the roar from the audience hit him like a flaming front engulfing him. He couldn’t see much though because of all the spotlights blinding him.

He met Aunty backstage who gave him a thoroughly impressed nod and said someone was waiting for him at one of the back booths. He floated on the high of his performance, all the way to his room, and all while changing.

Coming back down the stairs he felt as if something was tugging at his guts, like some sort of gravitational pull. It led him up to one of the higher, cut off booths in the back that gave a full view of the entire room but wasn’t readily seen in return.

A few steps from taking a seat he froze on the spot, because at that table was none other than Sephiroth. That was  _ certainly  _ not in his plans for the night. Sephiroth wasn’t alone, and Cloud didn’t recognise the other people at the table as Shin-Ra staff. He’d noticed the LOVELESS Shin-Ra team a few tables down, and they seemed to be having a jolly old time.

“Aren’t you going to take a seat miss..?” Sephiroth’s voice sent a jolt through Cloud.

“Bilinda,” Cloud said, swallowing quickly to try to rehydrate his throat, hoping his voice wouldn’t crack.

“Your performance was exquisite,” Sephiroth said, sounding so genuine Cloud put it down as pure, masterful manipulation. It made his stomach turn.

Cloud was sure Sephiroth had seen right through the disguise, but he didn’t seem interested in exposing him. With a fluid gesture Sephiroth showed him to take a seat next to him, having Cloud squeezing past two others at the table . They were very handsy ‘helping him’, and Sephiroth smiled with only the faintest malice flashing in the depths of those feline eyes.

Sephiroth was dressed casually, something Cloud had never seen outside of his home. He had the same leather pants as always, but a steel grey shirt, top buttons undone, and an exquisite black tailored jacket. He looked otherworldly, a star framed by black sky.

“Dear sirs, do you work together?” Cloud asked stiffly, trying to get his bearings.

“They’re business partners for the company I work for, my dear. This is Adam, Koro and George, and you may call me Sephiroth.” Sephiroth made polite, elegant gestures for each one.

It was hard to make out their features. Their suits looked the same, and they had the same back-slicked hair. George was a little on the round side, and Koro was the smallest. Otherwise, there was not much to tell them apart. They all looked equally dull. It was hard to imagine how important they had to be for Sephiroth to be assigned to wine and dine them. He formally greeted the customers with a bow as was expected of any hostess.

“Though I must say, Bilinda, I was given the impression your chest was a little fuller by your dancing costume. What are your opinions sirs?” Sephiroth gave an encouraging smile to the men at the table as he made the underhanded jab.

“Ah yes, now when you’re mentioning it!” George concurred animatedly. Cloud gathered he was inebriated already.

“Yes, and it showed a great deal more too! This dress is a tad disappointing.” Adam said, and his hands were fast as lightning to cup the stuffed undergarments over Cloud’s dress.

“I would have expected at least a C-cup, but this looks like an A at best.” His smile was sleazy and vile.

With a forced giggle, Cloud grabbed Adams wrist and pried it away, hoping to pass it under the radar of embarrassment.

“I will let my tailor know.” Cloud said, clenching his fist under the table as a replacement for letting his anger seep into his voice.

To Cloud’s surprise his hand was grabbed and pried open by Sephiroth, who started touching it playfully, even sensually, like a lover would. Like he and Zack did on their first date. It made Cloud’s chest tighten up, because that was certainly not in line with discussing the size of his chest, or anything else they’d ever done. It was cruel mockery of flirting.

“But the fabric of the dress is lovely. It suits you very well. It makes you look so soft to the touch. Don’t you think?” Sephiroth let his hand glide up Cloud’s sleeve, offering the others to touch too.

Adam let his hand glide along the side of Cloud’s thigh, and George reached clumsily past Sephiroth to try the fabric along Cloud’s neckline. They all murmured in agreement, looking at each other meaningfully and laughed at Cloud blushing.

“Who paid for the dress, pet?” Sephiroth murmured and grinned, catching the mortification flicking in Cloud’s eyes.

“Drinks! We should order drinks!” Cloud said and waved at a waitress, hoping to shift the focus of the group.

The three other men cheered at the suggestion, but Sephiroth moved his hand to Cloud’s knee and gave him a complicated look that could have been a tease, a flirt, a threat or all of it simultaneously. The humiliation of being seen like this by his childhood hero sent a sickening stab through Cloud, and he reflexively put his hands to his stomach, as if to calm it down. He hadn’t expected to feel so trapped or confined in his role joining SOLDIER. He’d expected freedom.

“You’re doing fine. Just smile and nod Cloud.” Sephiroth leaned in and whispered in Cloud’s ear, letting his lips brush against the shell of Cloud’s ear.

Cloud despair trying to crack his face as the smooth metallic voice sent shivers down his spine, making his body a melting pot of conflicting emotions. He arranged his face into a smile and nodded, hoping he would look like he was entertaining. In reality all he wanted to do was to stand up, slay the three men, reduce Sephiroth into a bloody pulp, perhaps set the place on fire, and then put it out with his own vomit.

“Bilinda will have a Meteor, and myself, I’ll have the Ultima please.” Sephiroth said to the waitress. He gave her a blinding smile that made her stare at him in wonder for seconds before jotting down the order and walking away on unsteady legs.

“So pet, are you here fulfilling your dreams?” Sephiroth’s question sounded innocent enough, but the subtext reeked of humiliation.

“You could say that.” Cloud said, thankful for the formal speech he’d been recommended to use. He tried to let it create distance between himself and the role he had to play.

“And you sir, is this your favourite pastime?” he asked Sephiroth, wishing he could afford a killing glance, but the others were watching too closely.

“Oh, absolutely pet. I can see why you chose dancing. Your body is perfect for it.” Sephiroth let his hand wander to Cloud’s waist.

“I bet I could fit your waist in my hands. What do you think good sirs?” he showed his hands above the table to let the other gauge them.

“Ah, I think it might,” Koro said enthusiastically, George nodding.

“Not yours, but mine would!” Adam said, almost drooling at whatever he was pictureing in his mind.

“Please sirs, you’ll wrinkle my dress!” Cloud yelped, fending off hands as politely as he could.

It slowed down their movements, made them more collected, but he couldn’t stop them entirely. No one could fit his waist, but then again, that wasn’t the point. He could feel Adams' hand sliding down the small of his back, and once again he was grateful to the Shin-Ra costume department for their excellent choice of the longline corset. It made their touch more distant and obscured his own shapes. 

“Is that a corset I can feel underneath?” Sephiroth asked, as if he could read Cloud’s mind.

“Yes.” Cloud wanted to hiss, but he didn’t.

“Ah, what a bold choice! Tell me, why such an old-fashioned garb? It seems an unlikely choice for a dancer.” Cloud picked up on Sephiroth’s mocking tone, but he supposed the others couldn’t.

“I- I like the way it feels.” Cloud said, heat rising to his cheeks for having to say something so embarrassing.

“How adorable!” Adam exclaimed and touched Cloud’s burning cheek.

“Haven’t you grown used to discussing your lingerie yet? Are you new at the job?” George asked with plain curiosity, which made it so much worse.

“You could say that.” Cloud said and cocked his head to the side, hoping it made him look bashful.

“Well that calls for a salute. Let’s all drink to our pet of the day and her fantastic performance!” Sephiroth said and raised his glass. They all followed him.

Cloud had to restrain himself from chugging his drink in hopes of numbing his senses from the ludicrous treatment he was being subjected to. Why was Sephiroth edging them on?! He was on a mission! Unfortunately the others wouldn’t have it, and they pressured him until he finished his drink. New ones were immediately brought to the table.

This was not the night Cloud had expected. Sephiroth lay a heavy hand on the small of his back. It felt like a reminder of the unfathomable power he held over Cloud.

“Why so stiff? Should we help you relax?” Sephiroth more declared than asked.

“Yes, your feet must be tired. Why don’t you put them in my lap?” Adam didn’t wait for a reply before he grabbed Cloud’s legs to hoist them up.

Cloud was kicking his legs in protest, but he could feel Sephiroth grab him from behind in a warning grip that felt a lot stronger than it must have looked like, because the others just watched amused.

“Now now pet, look around. It’s not an unreasonable thing to ask for is it?” Sephiroth mumbled next to Cloud’s ear.

It was true. Everywhere hostesses were sitting in clients’ laps, feeding them from their hands, flirting, one was even kissing a client, and non-essential garments for modesty such as shoes, gloves and stockings had come off. It was a clever arrangement really, it indulged the clients’ senses of successful seduction without compromising anything but the hostesses’ pride. It was certainly better than many of the alternatives.

Cloud fought to keep level as Adam took his shoes off and started rubbing his feet. It felt disgusting and Cloud’s face took on a deeper shade of red. He was wearing long, thin stockings, and the touch felt unfamiliar on top of the disgust.

“Feel good, pet?” Sephiroth murmured, too close again.

“Here, lean on me.” Sephiroth adjusted Cloud to lean back against his chest.

Cloud’s gaze flicked helplessly between the men at the table, and it made them all laugh. His pulse raced and his breath felt laboured. Sephiroth seemed to be intent to toy with him, and it was already terrifying, as well as horribly humiliating.

“Don’t worry princess, we tip generously.” Koro said and snatched one of Cloud’s hands, starting to pull the glove off in a ridiculous attempt to sensuality.

George was furthest away from Cloud, and he just sat quietly, lapping his drink and watching with far too much interest. He seemed to revel in each wave of Cloud’s humiliation which couldn’t be completely hidden by the plastered smile any longer. Koro’s touch was gentle, but oh so tainting with its unwanted presence.

“Close your eyes pet, and just let yourself relax for a moment. Enjoy your work!” Sephiroth smiled, exchanging wordless meaning with the other men around the table. They all nodded in agreement.

Surging emotions threatened to surface and Cloud closed his eyes. At least it gave him one less facial feature to control. It calmed him down but the second his breathing turned regular again he could feel Sephiroth’s arm around him lifting him under the pretence of adjusting their sitting arrangement. With horror he felt Sephiroth slipping a hand under his backside. His weight was lowered back onto Sephiroth’s hand which immediately started to knead the large muscles. A slow and imposing touch.

Cloud couldn’t help the breathy gasp escaping him, and it sent the men into laughter again. It was too much. Cloud's mind raced towards panic, and he felt dizzy.

“There there, Cloud. Just think of me.” Cloud’s hairs rose with Sephiroth’s sweet, intimate and seductive words.

Agitated as he was, it seemed Sephiroth’s voice wasn’t coming from outside his head, but inside it, bouncing inside the skull, moving down through the neck, somehow spreading through the rest of his body. It made his mind numb and his body strangely docile.

“Ah, you must be very skilled with your hands, she seems to like it.” Sephiroth said to Koro and Adam, praising them, making them want more. He was seducing them too.

“Feel me, Cloud.” Sephiroth whispered into Cloud’s mind.

The sound set off soundless explosions all over Cloud’s skin. The hand that skilfully manipulated the layers of fabric under his seat set his nerves on fire. Though he tried to prevent it, a moan escaped his parting lips with his head rolling back against Sephiroth’s shoulder. He could smell Sephiroth’s perfume, the warm smell of wool and the musky smell of leather. The moist of Sephiroth’s breath enveloping him. He could feel himself stiffen under his corset. This can’t be happening, Cloud frantically thought somewhere in the back of his mind.

“That’s it. It’s all me.” Sephiroth spoke in low, honeyed, private encouragement.

Cloud could feel his resistance melting, and his feelings moulded to whatever Sephiroth wanted from him. It was so easy to give in. The idea of perceiving Sephiroth’s touch as erotic was much more tempting than the horror of the reality. The sounds of the room, the awareness of the three strangers around the table faded, replaced by the notion that all sensations he experienced were gifts from Sephiroth. 

He could feel Sephiroth’s hand touching bare skin underneath him, and it sent irrefutable waves of pleasure from the points of contact, spreading like ripples on water through him.

“Take your pleasure Cloud.” Sephiroth murmured as he easily shifted the fabric of Cloud’s undergarments to slowly slip a slick finger inside.

Cloud pulled a sharp breath. The approving murmurs it caused around the table did not reach him. The last shred of awareness Cloud had was exerted to hold still, though his body screamed at him to impale himself on Sephiroth’s beautiful hand. His pleasured sounds increased, adding to the illusion that he was thoroughly enjoying the ‘pampering’, disgusting, degrading touches of the two strange men.

“That’s it Cloud, you’re such a good little soldier slut, aren’t you?” Sephiroth purred into Cloud’s ear. 

Cloud heard the mockery clearly, but truly, he could only agree. The praise sent shivers down his spine all the same, making him want to be better, because in that moment he wanted more. More of Sephiroth. Much, much, more.

Around the table, George was lazily watching t Cloud’s expression. The others were getting bored of him and picked up their conversation. They drank while half-heartedly continuing to serve Cloud’s body, as was befitting. After all, he was only a prop to heighten their evening, but the most fetching they’d ever encountered. It was enough to just have him there, decorating their visit to the Honey Bee in subservient, quiet beauty. To them, Sephiroth was the brightest star of the evening by far.

But Cloud couldn’t notice. He noticed instead that Sephiroth had inched his way in through his canal to find that glorious nub of nerves and had begun pressing into it. He couldn’t stop himself shuddering, which temporarily reminded the men of his presence, making them laugh and pat his extremities with a quickly fading, renewed effort.

“Sephiroth…” Cloud pleaded quietly, trying to keep his body from shaking with need.

“Hush, pet, unless you want to explain to the table why you say my name in prayer.” Sephiroth said in a quiet, amused threat.

Sephiroth’s harsh words startled Cloud back to reality enough for him to crack his eyes open. No one was paying him much attention and the LOVELESS table looked fine. He battled himself over trying to regain control of himself or just slipping back into that comfortable headspace where Sephiroth was  _ everything _ .

He wondered if that’s what he really wanted, or if he’d been made to want that. There was a deeply mesmerizing quality to Sephiroth. He could see it affecting the three men at the table. They would eat from his hands if they had the chance, he was certain of it.

Cloud reached for his drink, trying to find something to ground him in all his confusion. He instantly regretted it because Sephiroth took the slight shift of his weight to slip another finger inside. Cloud fell back in surprise, feeling his face distort when Sephiroth’s fingers dug into him harshly.

“What’s wrong sweetheart? You can’t be drunk already?” Adam asked, but he clearly didn’t care for a reply.

Cloud waited a moment to make sure they were focusing on each other before he turned to Sephiroth, his fog rapidly lifting.

“Either stop or get me off. I can’t deal with this.” Cloud hissed at Sephiroth, covering his face with his hand to hide his irritation.

“Where’s the fun in that?” Sephiroth whispered and threw his head back as if he’d just heard a fine joke. His hair reflected the lights like the clouds of an approaching storm in moonlight.

He went on to tease that bundle of nerves that made Cloud’s knees weak in just the perfect way. Cloud tensed up like a bowstring but managed to keep his face still. His eyes stopped seeing the room as he frantically tried to make out what he wanted. Did he want this? Did he like it? Was it thrilling? Annoying? Offensive? Degrading? Flattering? What was it?

He groaned quietly, not from the stimulation which was beyond doubts affecting his body in a profoundly pleasurable way, but from feeling trapped in the situation. Maybe even trapped in his own mind.

“Okay  _ Seph _ , I’m going to count to three, and if you haven’t pulled out by then I will make you.” Cloud hissed again under the pretense of a flirt, hoping that addressing him like Zack or Angeal would drive the point home.

Sephiroth laughed outright and just went on, but Cloud felt like whatever spell he’d been under was entirely broken. He could feel his body resonate with Sephiroth’s touch, but his mind wasn’t anymore. He counted to one, bringing the will to focus on his work to the foreground. Count two was the annoyance that Zack hadn’t gotten back to him all day. Count three was the disrespect he felt from Sephiroth’s outrageous behaviour. Then Cloud reached for his drink and tossed it in Sephiroth’s face.

Silence spread like a shockwave across the tables, followed by the roaring mubling of people. Cloud hadn’t miscalculated, Sephiroth withdrew his hand to start wiping off the green fluid with a thin hand towel he produced from some unknown pocket.

Cloud finally put his feet firmly on the ground, mumbling every foul word he could think of inaudible because his shoes were out of reach. He put on his best impassive expression and waited for the situation to unfold. Was Sephiroth surprised or angry? Could he be amused? He couldn’t tell. There was only incessant wiping.

The three other men at the table were gaping and staring openly, as did most people who’d seen what happened. The music stopped entirely, which added to the surreal atmosphere that had taken the room.

Even though it felt like longer, Aunty appeared within the minute, assessing the situation with a measured, professional approach.

“Honoured guest, I’m so sorry for my employee. How can we make this up to you? We will immediately send your jacket to the dry cleaners.”

Aunty gave Cloud a furious look and nodded for him to come and stand beside her. He moved stiffly past Adam to stand beside Aunty. She grabbed his neck with an iron grip and forced him to bow down. Well, it wasn’t really forceful to him, but it would have been to anyone else. He went along with it, finding his situation improving already.

“Well, I did indeed expect more from the whores of this establishment.” Sephiroth said in a light tone, making his statement offensive only by the careful articulation of each syllable.

“I am sorry that we failed to meet your expectations.” Aunty said with a perfect balance of professional distance and sincerity, while pushing Cloud further down towards the floor.

Cloud dropped to his knees and folded his head towards the floor in a formal apology. He wasn’t too annoyed with the formalities going on and took the opportunity to reflect upon his own anger. It was there, certainly, but not in a furious rage, more like a disappointed tiredness. Sephiroth had repeatedly pulled these kinds of stunts, some worse than others, and today was certainly among the top three. He couldn’t for the world understand why. What was the point? And why wasn’t he angrier? He should be angrier. In a way it was almost funny.

“You! Remain kneeling in front of the table until the gentlemen leave.” Aunty instructed before bowing one last time herself and nudging Cloud with her shoe to make him sit upright again.

That was fine. Cloud could see the LOVELESS table from where he sat, and he didn’t need to talk, or be prodded at from there. As far as he was concerned, he’d won this round. He dared a discreetly triumphant glance at Sephiroth, but Sephiroth’s attention was back to the men at the table, as if Cloud didn’t exist.

Cloud felt a wave of unwelcome disappointment wash over him. He wished he didn’t care, but of course he did. He’d had the man’s fingers up his ass only minutes ago, and many times before; of course it mattered.

Cloud sighed and tried his best to focus on the unfamiliar scenes around him to pass the time. His legs had fallen asleep, but only after an hour or so. He guessed it was an effect of the mako. He was sure it would be fine if he had to get up quickly. Now and then laughter erupted at Sephiroth’s table, and Cloud couldn’t help but to wonder if they were joking about him. Some of it surely was.

It took another hour for his thoughts to turn to Zack, even though he tried to keep away from that. Why hadn’t he heard from Zack yet? Instantly little pricks of anxiety materialised in his body and started rummaging around, pulling at his fears.

Finally, the four men rose from the table, getting ready to leave. The tree men passed first, each of them pouring the remains of their drinks onto Cloud. Sephiroth just walked by as if he was nothing. Cloud’s heart sank and his back slouched. He might have won this battle, but the last blow certainly wasn’t his, and it brought back all the humiliation he’d suffered during the last few days.

When the four had left the room, Cloud sighed heavily and rose to find Aunty. He asked for permission to change into his own clothes and come back down to watch over the LOVELESS table. She nodded and gave his arm an empathetic squeeze. He thanked her sincerely, knowing it would have been so much worse if she really had been angry. What a saving grace for the staff, he thought as he dragged his feet up the stairs to his room.

He showered quickly and changed into his own casual garments. He’d brought the outfit gifted by Sephiroth and put it on with mixed feelings. He wouldn’t be very inconspicuous in his SOLDIER uniform, and these clothes, though they flattered him, they weren’t entirely in his character. He always felt like something of an imposter when he wore them. Perhaps that made them a good fit for this mission.

Even though he knew it was a bad idea, he checked his phone. As suspected, there was still nothing on it. Shit. He had another day and a half before he could return. They’d never gone several days without checking in with each other, but he didn’t dare to call HQ and ask. That would be too unusual between friends, and he couldn’t think of any other excuse to do it. Sephiroth was here, so he wouldn’t know. He sent Angeal a short text not asking for anything specific, but any reply would give him more to go on than what he currently had.

With that, he went back downstairs, drank tasteless, alcohol-free drinks and tried to brace himself for another day on pins and needles, his thoughts entirely occupied with Zack. The night had turned to morning when team LOVELESS finally left. Cloud struggled up the stairs. He collapsed on the bed, face down, and cried himself to sleep from sheer exhaustion.

The Shin-Ra managers were up unexpectedly early the day after, and Aunty came to wake Cloud early to get him downstairs. The Shin-Ra employees seemed worked up, and furiously hung over. They seemed to be called away in a rush.

Cloud looked around for Sephiroth, but couldn't find him. That day and the next was pure agony. It was a struggle not to count down the seconds until he could return to HQ.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written a few weeks before I played the Honey Bee Inn scene in ff7r, and seriously, when he suddenly stood there dancing... MINDBLOWING. Best. Scene. Ever. 
> 
> SE, take all my monies, you already took my soul. I'll see you in hell for that, and for all the lewd pieces of fan fiction you inspired, along with everyone who made them. It'll be fun. We'll... have orgies......... I guess? 
> 
> Comments and kudos always appreciated! <3


	16. C/Z: Angeal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud comes home and finds Zack in his bed. Angeal has died.
> 
> This is an angsty smut-chapter. Lot's of sex with lot's of feels.

Cloud could tell something was wrong before he even entered the Shin-Ra headquarters. There were troopers outside, sweeping the floor. That wasn’t normal. They were also standing in clusters, discussing something with each other. Cloud was already high strung, and before he knew it, he was running in through the gates, dashing through the reception hall to the desk. He didn’t stop to look around, but he registered the debris all over the floor, and some walls were cracked, and paint was chipped and scorched everywhere. It was bad, of course, but he only wanted to know one thing.

“Where is Zack Fair?” he asked the receptionist, sounding distant, his voice hollow.

“Hi Third Class Strife. Welcome back. Zack Fair is somewhere in the building, but he is put on leave at the moment…” she replied politely, a little too familiar with Cloud, but he didn’t have time to think about that now.

“Second Class Kunsel left a message for you.” She opened a drawer and handed Cloud a sealed yellow envelope.

“Thanks.” Cloud said while crudely ripping it open, letting torn fragments join the litter on the floor. 

The note only said one thing. ‘Find Zack asap. It’s bad.”

Cloud dropped the pieces of papers on the floor and dashed to the elevators. He hit the button for the class 3 living quarters several times even though it wouldn’t get him anything but annoyed looks from other obviously tired employees. Even those fractions of seconds kept him distracted from his raging anxiety.

He dashed out of the elevator and ran as quickly as he could to his quarter to dump his luggage before getting on to Zack’s quarters, but when he reached his front door he could see the lock had been broken. It looked as if it had been punched out. He slowed down his movements and looked around in the corridor. No one was within sight.

He slowly pushed down the handle and swung the door open. A pungent smell hit him, while he quietly said ‘Hello?’, stepping into his own room as if it was suddenly a stranger’s. Battlefield, that’s what it smelled like, he realised instantly. There was dried mud-flakes and small gravel on his floor. Looking up he could see someone lying in his bed, covered in his blanket.

“Zack?” Cloud darted to the bed but peeled off the blanket from the lumpy shape carefully, just in case he was wrong.

Nothing happened. Cloud found Zack curled up towards the wall, clothes and boots still on, all muddy and dirty, his hair sticking to his head. Cloud could feel his panic melt away, being replaced by something else. Something like an immense emergency power surging, and he started to go through the list of must-do’s in his head. He checked Zack’s breathing; it was there. A huge relief, just in itself. Zack was sweating, but he was cold to the touch. Not good.

“Zack? Zack are you hurt?” Cloud asked softly, trying to turn his friend away from the wall without using too much force.

“Please Zack, please answer, I’m so worried.” Cloud used his softest, kindest voice, not wanting to alarm Zack with his own fears.

Zack finally gave a sign of life by aiding Cloud in turning over, but his movements were sluggish, distant and clumsy. When he finally rolled over his eyes were closed, surrounded by heavy, red, swollen lids. There was still blood on his face, on the clothes, and there were deep, dark circles under his eyes. Cloud felt his heart skip beats and he fell to his knees in front of his own bed, while his arms instinctively rose to pull Zack into an embrace.

Zack’s eyes slowly opened but it took a long time for them to focus on Clouds. They seemed to be watching something else entirely, and it made Cloud’s stomach turn. What on earth had happened to make Zack like this?!

“Cloud?” Zack moved his lips but produced nothing but soundless passing of air.

“Zack what happened? Are you hurt?” Cloud tugged off his gloves and started stroking Zack’s hair in long, soothing motions.

Zack’s lips parted, and his face contorted as he drew a laborious breath. Cloud thought he would speak but instead Zack started soundlessly sobbing, deep, tearing sobs that made his body shake violently.

“Gaia, Zack!” Cloud mumbled and scrambled himself off of the floor onto the bed, pulling Zack into a desperate, crushing embrace.

“Zack, you’re going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. Whatever happened it’s going to be okay.” Cloud started to repeat soft reassurances to calm Zack as much as himself.

Zack only stopped sobbing when he fell back to sleep from exhaustion. Cloud lied still for a long while, afraid of waking Zack up again, but eventually he had to check that Zack wasn’t hurt, and maybe it was best if he was asleep.

“Zack, I’m going to undress you now.” Cloud said softly, before gently rolling Zack out of his arms.

Cloud sat on the edge of the bed and started by taking Zack’s boots and socks off. Then he carefully removed Zack’s protective plates and pauldrons before moving on to the wrist guards, gloves, trousers and top. There were freshly healed cuts and the faintest marks of bruises. They were new, but they had seemed to be healed with a cure, and then the mako had probably done the rest. The large exception was a deep cut in Zack’s chin. It was healed but had scarred. Zack’s skin was ashen and sickly, and his body seemed hollowed out, dry. How long had he been lying here?!

Cloud reached for Zack’s phone and texted Kunsel. 

Puppy: “Hi, it’s Cloud on Zack’s phone. Thanks for the note. I found him. Can you get me off duty for the next few days? Oh, and can you send for someone to fix my door? The lock is busted.”

Kunsel: “Door, yes. The rest I’ll look into. Get back to you in a few hours. Good to have you back. Take care.”

Cloud went and got his largest bowl from his little pantry, a washcloth from the bathroom and then he filled the bowl with hot water. He pulled up a chair beside the bed and placed the bowl on it, sat at the bed and started to wipe Zack down. He started with Zack’s face, wiping in short, soft strokes to moisten up the dried blood and mud, before it soaked into the towel, gently stroking the cleaned patches with his fingers, occasionally bending down to kiss them too. Cloud’s brows were knit as tightly as the knot in his chest, still wondering what had happened.

Any time Zack stirred Cloud put his hand on Zack’s chest and uttered soft reassurances, waiting anxiously until it seemed to have an effect. Cloud put all his focus into wiping Zack clean, incredibly thankful to have something to do, and to have Zack within sight again. No matter what, at least he had a hold on the current situation which was a huge relief compared to the last few days’ uncertainty.

After changing the water in the bowl countless times Zack finally was as clean as possible during the circumstances. Cloud carefully dressed Zack in the silk pajamas Sephiroth had adorned him with, and cracked open the window to let some fresh air in. The sheets were still a mess, but they would have to wait until later. He finally took off his own boots and snuck down in the bed next to Zack and dozed off, exhausted from the relentless emotional suspense of his recent week.

Cloud was woken up by a knock on the door, the lock repair, no doubt. He went and opened it, exchanged a few words and let the woman get to work. Cloud checked Zack’s phone and found it was already afternoon. There was a reply from Kunsel, saying that he could cancel all training and meetings the next two days except for his mission briefing the next morning. He texted a reply, thanking Kunsel for all his help and sat on the chair next to the bed, combing through Zack’s greasy tresses, waiting for the lock repairs to finish. 

It wasn’t until he sat there that he noticed the sword propped up against the wall next to his desk. How could he have missed it? He recognized it instantly as Angeal’s. Cloud’s heart sank so low in his body he expected it to come out his toes. It could basically only mean one thing, and in relation to that Zack’s state it made perfect sense. Shit. _Shit shit shit_.

The repairwoman was quick, and the work was done in barely twenty minutes. She poked her head through the door and said that it wasn’t a particularly uncommon occurrence that the doors were broken in all kinds of ways.

“Good to know!” Cloud said with a tired smile and thanked her before she left, grateful that she was professional enough to pretend that nothing was unusual about the situation. Maybe there wasn’t? What did he know?

Cloud thought this was as good a time as any to have some food, so he made himself some cup noodles before cleaning himself up and getting out of his uniform. He grabbed his phone and stepped barefoot out into the hallway to call Sephiroth. Probably should have done that before changing into his worn sweatpants, he thought and shrugged.

“Cloud?” Sephiroth picked up on the second ring, his voice emotionless as always.

“Hi… I need you to help Zack tomorrow morning while I attend my briefing. He’s in my room, and… he has Angeal’s sword. I just came home.”

Several seconds passed, but Sephiroth didn’t reply.

“Listen, whatever issues you think you have, you need to put them aside for Zack now. Do you understand? He counts on you.” Cloud was surprised to hear his own voice sounding so calm and confident, demanding even.

“… Understood. What time?” Sephiroth asked, still sounding calm and neutral, but speaking a little slower than usual.

“7 am please.” Cloud said, barely having time to finish before Sephiroth hung up.

What a great first phone call Cloud thought and rolled his eyes before quietly stepping into the room again, carefully lying down next to Zack and closing his eyes.

In the middle of the night Cloud woke up from Zack’s shaking badly. He was crying against the wall again.

“Zack...? Zack!” Cloud sat up and gently put his hands on Zack and turned him around.

Zack’s eyes were blinking in surprise finding Cloud and then he started to shake his head.

“I did it Cloud.” Zack pressed between sobs.

“Sssh, Zack…” Cloud tried to pull Zack against himself, but Zack pushed him away.

“I killed him Cloud.” Zack’s voice was rough and cracked.

“You..?” Cloud didn’t understand.

“I killed Angeal. I had orders… and he wanted me to… Shin-Ra had… They… Fuck!” Zack’s fingers were digging into Cloud’s arms as he spoke.

“It’s okay Zack… you can tell me later…” Cloud tried to sound warm and reassuring, but he could hear the hesitation in his own voice, instantly regretting having spoken.

“I shouldn’t be here. I don’t deserve to be here with you. I’m so sorry.” Zack sat up slowly and started to climb out of bed.

“What? No!” Cloud quickly threw his arms and legs around Zack to drag him down, or to be dragged up, whichever was fine, but he was absolutely not letting go.

“We can stay here, we can go somewhere else, but you are not walking away from me Zack. I’ve been so worried the last few days. I seriously thoughts you were dead. I’ve never been so worried in my life.” Cloud managed to sound sure of himself again which wasn’t hard: it was all true.

Zack didn’t lie back down, but he didn’t struggle to get up either. He just sat there, with Cloud’s chest against his back, legs wrapped around his waist, hugging him, holding him together.

“I don’t know what happened Zack, but I’m so sorry that you’re going through a difficult time. Please, please let me be here for you.” Cloud spoke into Zack’s back.

“What kind of monster am I, to have killed my lover, my mentor, the one who taught me how to be me? He was… Angeal was…” Zack’s voice was dripping with self-loathing and hearing that tore into Cloud much more than the words themselves.

“You’re not a monster Zack.” Cloud mumbled as tears started to roll down his cheeks.

“I am! You understand that if I could kill him, I could kill you too! What the fuck does that mean Cloud?!” Zack spat out the words, causing drips of saliva to stain the grey silk pajamas he was wearing, as if making a point.

“If you would I’d be okay with that. I know you’d have a good reason to do it. I trust you Zack. I trust your judgement more than anyone else’s. Truly Zack. I’m content with that.” Cloud found the words as easy as breathing.

“You’re fucking out of your mind Cloud.” Zack spat, a little less animatedly and folded his legs up against his upper body and wrapped his arms around them, curling himself into a hard ball.

“I don’t think so Zack. And if I am, then I’m okay with that too.” Cloud untangled his arms from around Zack’s neck and started stroking his back instead in firm wide circles, letting them run up and down his arms, squeezing them reassuringly, and into his hair, massaging his head.

“Cloud…” Zack’s voice had turned shrill and pleading.

“Yeah I know. It’s going to be okay. I promise.” Cloud rested his forehead on Zack’s back, tears forming little round dark spots on the pajamas.

Cloud could feel the sore stiffness of Zack’s body under his touch, so he wrapped his arms around Zack and leaned back gently, pulling Zack down with him.

“Come on, that’s it. Just lie down. It’s going to be ok.” Cloud repeated half-empty phrases like a mantra, until he could feel Zack’s tension finally starting to ease up enough for him to lie down.

“Hey, I asked Sephiroth to come and stay with you. I couldn’t get out of tomorrow mornings debriefing. Okay?” Cloud murmured into Zack’s ear when Zack’s breathing finally wasn’t so strained anymore.

Zack just nodded his head quietly.

“Cloud…” Zack wrapped Cloud’s arms around him and turned to bury his face in the crook of Cloud’s neck.

Cloud could pick up the neediness in Zack’s voice but didn’t want to act on it so quickly, not sure it was the best of time for that. He pulled Zack closer and kissed the top of his head. Zack turned his face up to Cloud in a silent request to be kissed, and even though Zack’s face was a mess, it seemed to hold everything that Cloud loved in the world, and he was absolutely powerless to refuse.

There was a new flavor to the kiss, sadness, despair and a kind of loneliness. The loneliness that sprung from the fact that two people could never really become one, which was painfully obvious where they laid for many reasons. 

“Please Cloud… hold me closer.” Zack broke the kiss to plead.

Cloud’s hand came up to stroke Zack’s face as he studied it intensely, thankful for the Shin-Ra policy of keeping the lights on at night, so he could see. Zack’s eyes seemed faint, dull and deeply set in their sockets. Cloud brushed his thumb over the moist but flaking and dry lips.

“I will, but you have to drink some water before. And tomorrow you have to eat. Okay?” Cloud spoke softly to his most beloved person, trying to fit all his care into the tone of his voice instead of the actual words.

Zack nodded weakly. Cloud got up and took a large, practical, boring and ugly glass, filling it with tepid water, remembering that it was absorbed more easily by the body than cold. He sat on the edge of the bed and offered it to Zack.

“Feed it to me.” Zack whispered, his hand reaching out for Cloud as if it had been painful to be without his touch.

Cloud placed the glass to his own lips and tilted it back, collecting water in his mouth before putting his lips to Zack’s and parting them slowly. Cloud could almost see Zack’s skin absorbing the water as it spilled from his lips, slowly trailing down his chin. Zack kept his eyes closed, but his facial features relaxed, as if receiving something that he didn’t know he’d desperately missed. Cloud pursed his lips slightly while wiping the fleeing droplets from Zack’s chin before repeating the process until the glass was empty. 

Cloud put the glass down on the nightstand before crawling back beside Zack, catching his face in his hands and placing his lips between Zack’s again, this time dyeing the kiss with his own need. He wanted it too now, the reassurance of Zack being there, being close, being alive.

The kiss was slow and gentle but overwhelmingly heavy with sadness and loneliness and Cloud broke away from it to breathe easier; his throat was closing up. Instead he trailed kisses down the tendons of Zack’s neck. He could feel the little grains of dust on his tongue, and the taste of Zack’s sweat and something faintly metallic, blood? The bitter taste of battle. Cloud didn’t feel like he had a right to mind it. He’d chosen this life too, hadn’t he? But more than that, he had chosen Zack, and he knew he would choose Zack over and over again, just as he was doing in that moment.

Zack’s hands came up to Cloud’s head, crushing it into his neck and making Cloud’s teeth push into his skin. Zack moaned needily and Cloud took the hint and started biting into the flesh and sucking at the skin. Though Zack was making pleased little sounds Cloud found his length only half-hard when he reached his hand under Zack’s pajamas. Cloud let up on the biting and gently started stroking Zack.

“Harder Cloud, please. You always worry too much… please let me feel you more.” Zack sounded worn out as he spoke and helped to push the pajama pants off.

Cloud silently condoned himself for not knowing how to give Zack what he needed, but he did his best to put his own feelings aside and closed his fist harder around Zack’s length, as hard as he dared, and rightly he could feel Zack twitch into his hand.

“Yeah… Thank you.” Zack groaned and pushed his chest away from the bed, offering it to Cloud’s mouth.

Cloud went back to the biting, working his way towards Zack’s chest, opening the gray silk pajama shirt, thinking it looked more in place on Zack than himself as he pushed it aside to uncover expanses of caramel skin. He appreciated the feeling of his teeth sinking into the different textures of Zack’s body. The resistance of the muscles, the soft give of the skin, and the hardness of his bones. He took his time to enjoy the different flavors, grateful that not all of it was of a battle. There were also the warm tastes of Zack that he’d come to know so well. As the number of red, adorning bite marks increased, so did Zack’s hardness and soon he was laying reduced to leaden, rugged breaths under Cloud’s touches.

“Please... now.” Zack begged.

“But-” Cloud protested.

“You won’t hurt me. I’m not asking for that.” the words burst out from Zack in frustration.

Cloud froze at Zack’s words, thinking that there was something left out. He stifled a sigh and reached for lube and a condom from the drawer in the nightstand, but he wasn’t hard enough to put the condom on. He stroked himself for a little while before Zack noticed.

“I’m sorry… it’s not you I swear!” Cloud’s features twisted in shameful pain when his eyes met Zack’s.

“It’s just… everything’s so fast I’m having trouble to keep up with it.” Cloud forced himself to sound calm, overwhelmed with worry that he’d be misunderstood. 

“Oh Cloud… Come here.” Zack pulled Cloud down and nuzzled his face against Cloud’s, where tears were streaming.

Zack seemed to have come back to life a little, kissing away Cloud’s tears, and pulling him into another sad kiss, bodies pressed tightly against each other, Zack gently rocking them from side to side.

“I didn’t mean to push you… I just don’t want all this… distance.” Zack mumbled softly.

“I know, I know. I don’t want it either… just give me a minute.” Cloud said, his voice quivering slightly, his throat feeling thick.

“We don’t have to… I was wrong to…” Zack mumbled; voice tinged with guilt.

“We can’t argue about this now!” Cloud scoffed bitterly and buried his face in Zack’s neck.

“You’re right…” Zack gave a heavy sigh which Cloud was sure would have been a chuckle if things weren’t what they were.

Zack gave long, reassuring stokes with strong hands all the way from Cloud’s head to the small of his back. Cloud shifted a bit to place his cheek to Zack’s, receiving languid, lingering kisses from Zack. Cloud let the tip of his nose drag along Zack’s face until he could kiss Zack again, letting his tongue feel Zack’s dry, flaking lips which threatened to crack any time. No matter what flavor their kisses were, Cloud never wanted to be without them, but the tension from worrying about Zack was far from gone, and he couldn’t will it away. It felt like a third companion with them, there in the bed.

Cloud tapped into his stubborn streak and grabbed Zack’s hand, squeezed it, brought it up to kiss it before placing it between them, wrapping their hands around their cocks, and started to stroke them together.

“Cloud-”

“Shut up Zack.” Cloud said softly and grazed over Zack’s lips with his tongue.

Cloud eased his tongue deeper into Zack’s mouth, looking for Zack’s, and teased it, invited it to twine with his. Zack was still groaning in protest, but in seconds they had changed to soft pleading moans, as soft as they could for someone who’d cried and hadn’t had more than a glass of water in… days? Cloud wove their fingers together where they were stroking, focusing on all the points where their bodies were touching, trying to let it sink in that Zack was there, out of danger and nowhere else.

Little by little he was pulled into the moment from Zack’s needy sounds and touches. Zack didn’t plead any more though, leaving Cloud to take the initiatives. Their hands got soaked and sticky, and eventually Cloud tore away from the kissing. They shared an understanding look, and a few lighter kisses, as if their lips needed to bid each other goodbye before Zack turned around, pressing his backside up against Cloud. Cloud got around to the business with the lube and condoms again.

This time it was easy to get the condom on, but he could feel his chest constricting painfully as soon as he lost Zack’s comforting touch. He hurried to place himself behind Zack before he’d go soft from anxiety again. Zack’s arm came to welcome him, stroking his leg before reaching back to guide Cloud into place. Cloud pressed his hips forward, determined to give Zack what he needed, finding Zack almost painfully tight, but the warmth was familiar and welcoming. Cloud felt his scalp tingle as he pushed himself further in, listening to Zack’s deep but easier breathing. When he was fully seated, he wrapped his arms around Zack and pressed their bodies together, taking deep breaths at the nape of Zack’s neck, kissing it gently.

Zack’s hands came to join Cloud’s, pinning them firmly against his own body, maybe a little too hard.

“Zack…” Cloud whispered the name of his most beloved, falling in awe from the closeness.

Cloud really didn’t get it. Why had Zack chosen him out of all people? He was so grateful, however sad he felt now. Even when the jealousy, or the heaviness of Shin-Ra caught up with him he never doubted that Zack was worth the effort, now less than ever. To be certain of that warmed his blood and quickened his pulse. The simplicity of belonging with Zack surfaced and drowned out his anxieties, and he slowly let his hips start to roll, creating a reminding sensation where they were joined.

Zack rolled his head back and twisted it so that Cloud could cover his ears, cheek and neck in kisses. For a while that was enough, just being connected, but eventually Zack guided one of Cloud’s hands to his cock. Cloud started to run his hand up and down the familiar shape, and though it was twitching and leaking, Zack was unusually quiet.

“Zack, I’m uncertain of what you want. Please help me.” Cloud whispered and kissed the warm, soft skin behind Zack’s ear.

“Let me feel more. Keep me here.” Zack said, his voice hoarse and dry.

Cloud understood what he meant, recalling all the times Sephiroth had done that for him, when he’d had his mako treatments, or just… anxiety, but he wasn’t sure how he could do that for Zack. He definitely wouldn’t in the same way Sephiroth had.

He started to drive himself more intently into Zack, pulling out to the tip slowly before shoving himself in again quicker, hoping that the uneven rhythm would keep Zack’s focus. Judging from Zack’s sharp whines when Cloud entered over and over again, it seemed to do the trick and Cloud kissed shoulder in relief.

Zack let go of Clouds hand to move his hair away from his neck, tilting his head to offer the neck to Cloud’s mouth. Cloud felt himself swell with need to gratify Zack, and he eagerly opened his mouth wide before pressing his teeth to Zack’s skin, licking it with a wide, wet tongue before heartily biting down. He slowly increased the pressure of the bite until he could hear the tendons pop as they shifted under the pressure.

“Yesss.” Zack hissed, and Cloud could feel Zack twitching into his hand and clamping down hard around him.

Cloud hummed low and kissed the fresh, red bite mark and closed his fist harder around Zack, drawing a stifled moan before biting down at the nape of Zack’s neck. The place was somehow flatter and bonier, so he grazed the skin hard with his teeth and instead sucked the skin as hard as he could, admiring the purple bruise he knew would fade within hours before moving on to the next spot.

Zack was worked up until he was humming and groaning constantly, though Cloud could tell there was a different mood than usual. He too felt that it was unusually difficult to lose himself with Zack. He’d never had to work so hard to keep focus on what they were doing.

When Zack had a collar of bitemarks, some overlapping, Cloud moved his free hand to Zack’s chest and started drawing abstract shapes with his fingernails, working them slowly closer to Zack’s sensitive nipples. Zack pushed back into Cloud’s hips with needy grunts and Cloud could tell Zack was getting close to the edge of release.

“Do you want to?” Cloud asked softly.

Zack shook his head and received a handful of soft kisses on his back in return. Cloud continued to raise red mounds in the wake of his fingernails over Zack’s chest until Zack’s breaths were too heavy to produce any tone. He dragged himself out to the tip again, and shoved himself in, violently crashing into Zack’s prostate while he clamped his hand around the base of Zack’s cock. He let the fingers of his other hand dig into the muscles of Zack’s chest, not that they could sink very far, Zack’s muscles having almost a metallic hardness to them.

It sent Zack into shudders accompanied by soft whimpers, but he didn’t release. Cloud slowly moved the hand from Zack’s chest to his hair and combed through it with firm strokes. He couldn’t help but to give a small smile when Zack rolled his head back and gave a blissful sigh once he’d stilled. Cloud started to wind Zack up again, this time touching Zack’s nipples more directly. He knew they had to be warmed up, so he touched them gently, let the pads of his fingers push against them, feeling them under his palm, all while keeping his irregular thrusts.

By the time Cloud started to pinch and claw at Zack’s hardened buds Zack was wailing quietly, the occasional incomprehensible plea interrupting, and with every thrust Zack let up a cry that made Cloud forget everything else in the world. He let his hand run up and down Zack’s length more intensely and gave one of Zack’s nipples a sharp twist. With the next violent thrust he again closed his fist around Zack’s base, and bit down hard on Zack’s shoulder, making another overlapping bitemark.

Zack was sent into new convulsions stifling his cries into the bedding. Cloud let his hand nestle into Zack’s damp and greasy locks of hair again, not minding the dirt in the slightest. All that mattered was that he was making Zack feel good, giving him what he needed, thankful that Zack’s jolts and cries gave no room for doubts. Cloud let that consume him, as he fisted black hair, moved his other hand from Zack’s sticky length to his firm abdomen and pressed down before releasing a series of powerful thrusts, aiming always at Zack’s prostate. Zack’s sobs were delectable and desperate, his hand joining Cloud’s on top of his stomach to push down harder.

“Gods, Cloud!” Zack cried, his mind blanking out completely.

Cloud groaned and tugged on Zack’s hair before he gave another series of thrusts, careful to stop before he sent any of them over the edge. It left them both heaving for breath, and Cloud had to stay still longer in order for them to calm down. He carded through those black locks and let his thumb draw a comforting circle on Zack’s tight abdomen, feeling like his comfort and care could finally pass from his skin into Zack’s as he felt Zack’s shivering body against his.

Zack shifted and gripped Cloud’s arms and rolled himself to his stomach, momentarily enjoying Cloud’s weight on top of himself, but he was aching furiously with need, and spread his legs as wide as he could, arching his back up in an invitation. It was enough to make Cloud swell and twitch, Zack felt it clearly, and sure enough a frustrated sigh sounded behind him.

Cloud resisted the urge to delve into the tight, warm wetness, and instead placed his hands on Zack’s formidable behind and started kneading into it. He spread Zack’s cheeks and let his fingers skim along the place where they joined, gently pressing into Zack’s rim. Zack let up chesty groans and rolled his hips softly into the bedding. He folded his arms and laid his head on them, to help resist touching himself, he would cum within seconds, he was sure.

Cloud pulled out a little, letting his own fingers touch along his own shaft, letting them glide to the outside of Zack while he pushed himself in again, making Zack’s rugged breath hitch.

“Can I?” Cloud asked, his voice low and raw, as he laid the tip of his index finger at the join, letting the pressure increase slowly to demonstrate what he had on his mind.

“Fuck yes…” Zack hissed and gritted his teeth to hold still.

Cloud let his index finger graze along the join longingly, bringing it to his mouth to slick it in saliva before returning it to Zack. Cloud gave a few shallow thrusts before he pressed hard enough for it to enter alongside his pulsing cock. He thought that if this is where Zack could receive comfort, he would do his utmost to pour all of his warmth into that place. 

Zack groaned at being stretched wider, but also because he knew that Cloud was pushing himself to give him what he wanted. Though he hadn’t forgotten that Angeal was gone, Cloud was there with him, working hard to remind him of what he had left, and he gratefully let himself soak in that awareness.

“You’re so good to me Cloud.” Zack mumbled at the end of a strained breath.

Cloud gave a small, tender smile behind Zack and rolled his hips softly before starting to move his finger slowly, exploring Zack’s slick slippery wall, looking for welcoming spots to nourish. Zack let out needy, appreciative hums and groans, and when he pushed back into Cloud he was indulged with more rich thrusts and touches. The intensity of the sensations seemed to mesmerise them both until Cloud pulled out to the tip, and instead replaced his cock with three fingers that immediately started fucking into Zack’s prostate with a precision his cock couldn’t.

“Cloud!” Zack cried in surprise, his body jolting heavily in surprise, feeling his mind slip into the distance, leaving only the lush, spoiling sensations.

Cloud’s other hand was soon fondling Zack’s balls and pushing into his perineum with the pad of a thumb.

“Gods Cloud!” Zack cried, and Cloud quickly quieted his movements to keep Zack from coming again.

Clouds eyes turned as soft as his touches, pressing one steadily to the small of Zack’s back and letting his sodden fingers rub small little circles in Zack’s warm, pink inside, sitting back on his heels.

“Don’t leave!” Zack whispered coarsely, twisting his head to see Cloud.

“What? No!” Cloud’s eyebrows rose in gentle surprise, because leaving was just about the last thing on his mind, literally as well as metaphorically.

“Hey, turn around.” Cloud asked softly.

Zack’s movements made Zack’s body look like it was made out of lead as he slowly shifted to his back, sighing and twitching when he was reminded of Cloud’s fingers still inside.

Cloud sat down on his heels and tore off his condom with his free hand. He reached for the lube and made sure he had a new condom close at hand. He flicked the lube open and poured a generous amount on Zack’s reddened and leaking cock, tossed the lube aside and wrapped his hand around Zack. He kept his stroking light and his fingering heavy, knowing he could keep Zack in suspense longer like that.

Zack had draped one arm over his face, and one was fisting sheets. Cloud felt the familiar swell of his chest instead of the previous stifling constrictions when he looked down on Zack. Even though Zack’s face was hidden he could read the sadness in his movements and the way that his chest was rising and falling. He knew all too well it was there just underneath the pleasure, and Cloud was determined to keep it at bay for as long as Zack needed. He let his hand glide up and down Zack easily and unhurriedly, curling his index finger just below the head of his cock and letting his thumb glide over it. Cloud continued winding Zack up and letting him fall away from the edge of pleasure as if they had all the time in the world. Even though Cloud wasn’t touched he was rising and falling with Zack, being so attuned to Zack’s reactions that they felt like his own.

Finally Zack came to a point where he removed his arm, revealing his freshly tear streaked face, instantly meeting Cloud’s heavily lidded but gentle eyes. Zack reached for Cloud to pull him down. Cloud gave a small apologetic smile that Zack instantly understood. He gave a small nod and welcomed Cloud into his arms. They embraced for a moment until Cloud sat up only to put a fresh condom on and seated himself into Zack once more.

Cloud leaned down for a kiss, humming into it when he felt Zack’s strong legs press into his waist, forcefully expelling air from his lungs. Zack’s mouth was dry and tasted salty, and Cloud thought in a fleeting thought that he wanted to turn into water. Instead his chest kept swelling along with his cock, again sated in Zack’s tight warmness, dizzy with elation. He broke away from the kiss and let himself get lost in Zack’s enraptured, messy face, unable to stop himself to thrust into Zack with an increasing urgency, bewitched by the thick cries he tore. He fruitlessly tried to hammer their bodies into each other, wishing to crack them open so that they could blend, forgetting all his previous reservations.

Zack arms slid his hands up along Clouds arms to pull him closer, urging him on, not aware enough to quiet himself. Zack allowed himself to fully feel all of Cloud, the pleasure of being filled with him, of tasting him, of his smell and the subdued hums, of his strong, thin body moving under his hands, moving for him, into him. Zack felt like he drank Cloud, breathed him deep into his lungs where they set him into the final flames, making his muscles contract with a scorching heat until he was ready to erupt.

Cloud could feel Zack tense up below him and all around him. Zack’s legs were squeezing him, his arms were crushing him and his own heart threatened to explode his ribcage. When Zack’s tension finally released with a deep, guttural, broken cry, filling Cloud’s senses with a scalding heat, so did his, and he poured himself into Zack in an endless moment. Their warmth, if not exactly their bodies, merged seamlessly together.

Cloud was ruthlessly ripped back from his bliss by Zack who never stopped shivering. He had immediately fallen into desperate sobs that in half a moment were shaking them both. Cloud quickly wrapped his arms further around Zack, kissing his hair and temples, mumbling all the comforting words he could think of. No matter what he said he Zack’s crying only grew more and more desperate.

“Please don’t leave me.” Zack’s hold on Cloud was bruising, but it was nothing to the pain Cloud felt at hearing those words.

Cloud couldn’t wrap his head around the pain Zack must have felt to say something so out of character. Coming from Zack, it sounded like utter madness. Cloud scrambled to get out of Zack’s clasp, and Zack let himself fall limp into the bed. Cloud hurried to pull himself out with the condom properly, tossing it aside and sitting up with his back against the wall and with great effort heaved Zack into his lap, leaning Zack’s head against his chest.

“Zack, I will would never leave you. You don’t have to ask me for that.” Cloud whispered and kissed the top of Zack’s head, hugging him and caressing him, wishing furiously that he had more hands to give comfort with.

“You can never… I could never…” Zack managed between furious sobs.

“I won’t, but you can. You will be okay Zack. I promise you will.” Cloud wiped gently at Zacks flooding tears and held him tighter as his sobbing turned more violent, tearing through his own body as much as Cloud’s.

Cloud could feel Zack’s chest expanding in his embrace as Zack pulled a deep breath, turned his face into Cloud’s chest and screamed at the top of his lungs. One of Zack’s hands dug into Clouds arm and the other one was punching the wall behind him, and when he was out of breath, he did it again before going limp and lifeless, except for the never-ending but calmer crying.

“Gods, Zack…” Cloud managed before he too cried, his heart painfully breaking for Zack with every single heartbeat.

Cloud reached for the blanket and wrapped it around them where they sat. He didn’t know what else to do other than to keep holding Zack, kissing him and reassuring him that everything would be ok, though he, deep down, couldn’t really be sure. Cloud thought intensely about how worried he’d been about Zack, how much he’d worried that he wouldn’t be able to see Zack again for whatever myriad of horrors had played through his head during the last few days. With those thoughts he could only begin to fathom what Zack was going through. However much it had pained him, what did it have to be like for Zack?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments & kudos == love. <3


	17. P: C/S/Z Past tense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sephiroth comes to support Zack after the loss of Angeal. Cloud, Zack and Sephiroth spend a rare day together. 
> 
> No smut, just light teasing. If you're into character development, it's a good chapter to read!

Cloud was not a happy camper when the alarm he’d set went off at 6 am, but however deprived some of Sephiroth’s habits seemed to be, he didn’t want Sephiroth to find them quite in such a miserable state. He rolled his shoulders and neck, feeling stiff from having fallen asleep sitting up with Zack in his lap. He looked down at the sleeping bundle leaned against his chest. Zack’s eyes were still swollen, if not as red as the day before, but his face was streaked with salty trails from all the crying. Cloud’s face twisted with pain and concern immediately.

Cloud carefully slid Zack to the bed, thanking his mako treatments to be able to do that much, and crawled out of bed. He rinsed his face under the bathroom tap wiped himself down with a damp towel. Dammit, it would be worth making Second Class just to have a shower of his own. Is that how they sold it? Seemed as accurate as anything Shin-Ra had told him so far. He fetched the bowl and washcloth and sat at the bed, making soft, meaningless chatter about the sector 6 slums to the sleeping Zack while he wiped away the tear streaks, the worst of the sweat and the dried cum. He checked the state of the silver pyjamas he’d dressed Zack in last night and deemed it was still alright, so he carefully put it on Zack.

He turned the kettle on, folded a spare uniform into his gym bag, put on his sweatpants and a worn t-shirt, planning to stop by the showers before his debriefing. He felt utterly gross. Cloud sighed as he collected their dirty uniforms into separate bags and cleaned up the rest of the worst traces of the night’s mess. The thought of Sephiroth getting insight in their private affairs horrified him, though he couldn’t put his finger on why.

At seven am he had folded down the tiny kitchen table from the wall, and was drinking his barley tea and having the last of his hurried egg-and-rice breakfast. When he was finished, he went and sat at the edge of his bed, just to have Zack entirely within sight for a little longer. He knew he was being silly and unreasonable, but it wasn’t as if he had anything better to do while waiting for Sephiroth to arrive. Twelve past there was a knock on the door, and Cloud stepped outside to exchange words before he left. He gave Sephiroth a questioning, unimpressed look.

“I was out of town. Traffic delays.” Sephiroth said unusually curtly.

“Not even you can bend traffic to your will huh?” Cloud replied equally curt, still being pissed off with Sephiroth for interfering with the Honey Bee Inn mission.

Sephiroth didn’t dignify Cloud with a response but instead raised his eyebrows nodding at the door.

“Yeah… Angeal… died? I’m not sure what happened. He wasn’t very cohesive…” Cloud explained, confusion written all over his face.

“Yes. There were some events here the last week. You will be filled in at your debriefing.” Sephiroth sounded neutral, but Cloud noticed his lips closed too firmly together when he stopped talking.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” Cloud’s eyes flicked around while he awkwardly gave a little squeeze to Sephiroth’s arm, too absorbed in his own awkwardness to notice the fleeting, desperate pain in Sephiroth’s eyes.

Whatever disagreements they had weren’t more important than Angeal’s passing, that much was perfectly clear to Cloud.

“I guess you won’t be staying here. I’ll text you after the debriefing to check where you are. He needs to drink and eat, if you can manage him to do that.” Cloud said, staring at the floor.

“Mmh.” Sephiroth hummed in agreement before stepping confidently into Cloud’s room while Cloud made his way to the showers.

As soon as the door had closed behind him, Sephiroth inhaled a painfully, walked up to the buster sword and touched it for the first time in his life. It had always felt forbidden. Too important for Angeal. Then he slumped down on the chair next to the bed pushing the heels of his palms against his eyes for a long time before he attempted to do anything else at all, carefully picking apart his emotions, neatly stacking them away so that he could go on with the day.

  
Cloud stepped into the debriefing room, joining at least fifteen other people scattered around a table that could easily fit fifty. A manager presented the mission that was discussed, and someone Cloud recognized from his second night at the Honey Bee Inn started talking. He only half listened, but sharply turned his head when his name was mentioned.

“Excellent job Third Class Strife.” was said, and Cloud’s mouth dropped open in surprise.

How had he done a good job? He’d spent the most important evening getting publicly humiliated by Sephiroth, though Sephiroth’s name wasn’t mentioned at the meeting at all. The debriefing was short and efficient, routine really, but at the end of that they were asked to stay for a run-down of recent events at the headquarters.

Cloud’s brows knit tightly when he was told Genesis had defected and taken a large number of SOLDIER’s with him. Something about Genesis copies attacking the building was mentioned. Shortly after that Angeal had left too, only to be killed in action. Sephiroth had been appointed the title of General, head of the entire military section of Shin-Ra. All of it seemed completely unreal to Cloud, and he wanted to get away as quickly as possible to process, but he was asked to stay when the others got to leave.

“Strife, we noticed that your schedule had been cleared for the day and tomorrow, so we booked you a mako-treatment. Please head down to Hojo’s lab immediately.” the manager of the day told him.

“Yes sir. May I ask sir, is there any detailed information about the Angeal Hewley’s last battle?” Cloud swallowed hard about his last-minute schedule change but took the opportunity to ask about the more important matter.

“Naturally. However, you’re not privy to it. Why?” the manager whose name Cloud didn’t know, whose face he didn’t even recognize, narrowed his eyes in immediate suspicion.

“No reason. Thank you, sir.” Cloud rose and walked out of the room before any more bad news could hit him.

He texted Sephiroth to let him know about the impromptu mako-treatment and immediately got the reply that he could make his way to Sephiroth’s apartment when he was done. Cloud walked preoccupied to Hojo’s lab, not at all looking forward to the rest of the day.

Cloud made sure to adjust his facial expression before he opened the door to the lab where he was immediately strapped down into the hateful chair that looked more like it belonged in a torture chamber than a lab. The standard tests were taken before the IV drip was jabbed into his arm by a stone-faced nurse. Hojo appeared with a clipboard without giving any greetings.

“You seem to be responding well, Strife, so we’ve upped your dosage quite a bit. You test results after the mako-chamber were excellent.” Hojo said, jotting down some new numbers and simply walked out.

Cloud pulled a sharp breath as the bright green fluid made its way into his blood. The icy-firey sensation that radiated from the drip was never pleasant, and with the dosage that high the nausea didn’t come alone. It was accompanied by a tremendous pressure. It was as if his skin was a barrier between two worlds at war, the air and the room pushing at him, trying to compress him into the size of a single molecule. His blood then, seemed moved so quickly it seemed to want to fling itself out of his body, propelling itself with a tremendous outwards force and he screamed and yanked against the restraints far too long before he passed out.

When Cloud woke up it was already mid-day and the constraints on him had been released. No one was around, so he guessed he was free to just walk out. Fucking Shin-Ra. He sat up slowly, his head spinning, and even though Sephiroth’s apartment was in the same building, most of the journey being an elevator ride, it felt like an impossible task making his way there by himself. Still, he put one foot on the floor, tried his strength before putting the other one down too, and started taking unsteady steps out of the lab, clutching his stomach in a futile attempt to keep it still.

The walk to the elevator seemed to go forever, and he preferred to keep his eyes closed. When they were opened the world was tinted in green flames and he half expected laser-beams to shoot out of them, like in the cartoons he’d been watching as a child, except now it was so not cool. The sound of the elevator arriving threatened to explode his eardrums, and when he’d stepped in and pushed the button, he slid himself down along the wall into a crouching position, gaining a few concerned and cautios looks from the suits sharing the elevator with him.

No one else was to get off at the first’s living quarters and there was a moment of hesitation when the doors opened but no one was making their way out. A lady with long red hair saw Cloud in his third class uniform and kindly asked if this was him. Cloud looked up at her in confusion, his eyes glowing enough to cast a faint radius of green light along the floor where he cowered and nodded weakly. She helped him up and kept the doors open while he took shaking steps to exit. She asked if he needed more help, but he managed to turn her down. He would have loved some help, but he couldn’t very well drag anyone else into their mess.

Cloud could feel his stomach turning violently and did his best to hasten his steps to Sephiroth’s flat. Standing outside the door he took a breath before he gave the door a knock. This was not the state he had hoped to be in. It didn’t take long before the door was opened for him. Cloud didn’t bother to straighten himself and look up before he pushed past Sephiroth, making his way to the bathroom as quickly as possible. He opened the lid of the toilet and immediately expelled the contents of his stomach into it. When he was done retching, he was too tired to get up, so he just put his face against the seat, thinking it was the best option in case there was more on the way.

He saw Sephiroth’s slippers appearing next to him when the world flickered with the opening and closing of his eyes. The rustling of fabric sounded like the crackling of broken speakers when Sephiroth sat down on his knees beside him and put a hand on his shoulders. Cloud gave a tired sigh, mumbled a ‘Sorry’ before he closed his eyes again.

The next time Cloud opened his eyes the world was spinning a bit less, and though his stomach was in cramps, it didn’t feel like an over-filled tumble dryer anymore which was a distinct improvement. When he tried to sit up helping hands were there, ready to support him, and when he turned to see who they belonged to, he found they were Sephiroth’s. That was odd, really odd, which was the extent of understanding Cloud could manage.

Sephiroth shoved him a prepared toothbrush and helped him stand up in front of the sink to brush his teeth. Cloud did that, moving his hands on autopilot, and was kept by Sephiroth from driving his head into the sink when he splashed water on his face and rinsed his mouth. Then he was led out of the bathroom, his eyes landing on Zack who was sleeping soundly curled up on Sephiroth’s blue velvet sofa.

With a blink of his eyes Cloud found himself kneeling in front of the sofa, his forehead pressed against Zack’s arm. He turned to Sephiroth who was lazily walking up to the sofa, retaking his spot behind Zack’s head and picking up a book from the coffee table.

“Thank you. Thank you so much. Did he eat?” Cloud’s hand came up to stroke whatever part of Sephiroth that was within reach, his calf being closest.

The texture of Sephiroth’s leather trousers seemed unrealistically sticky, too soft on the hard muscles underneath, making the sensation too mixed and very confusing. In the back of his mind Cloud swore at the mako-treatments, but he knew this wasn’t nearly as bad as the mako-chamber had been. He turned his head so that he could look up at Sephiroth.

“Mmh, he did.” Sephiroth replied without looking up from his book.

“Oh, I’m so glad. Thank you Sephiroth.” Cloud slurred, too tired to lift his head up from where he was resting it.

Cloud closed his eyes again, grateful that he didn’t have to move, and that he had Zack within his sight again. Next time he opened them his head was still in the same position, and he noticed Sephiroth’s hand was nestled in Zack’s shiny, soft, feathery locks. They looked so fluffy now, almost sparkling…. Like the softest silk… He wanted to touch them too, but they were too far away. The image looked odd. Domestic. Familiar. Cloud didn’t know what to make of it. Should he be happy? Jealous? Surprised? Not surprised? He couldn’t tell, so he closed his eyes again, making the image disappear.

Cloud came too again, this time from someone touching him. He stirred and found that he was being wrapped in something heavenly, it was heavy but soft, shaped itself to his body, it felt so good, too good, and he shivered from the sensation. He opened his eyes to find Sephiroth was wrapping him with his blanket.

“Why are you being so nice?” Cloud mumbled, only half aware, but the question had been pressing at the back of his mind since Sephiroth had agreed to help out with Zack.

“Do you think I was born naturally with the highest mako-concentration in Gaia?” Sephiroth replied in a low voice.

“Who wrapped you in a blanket?” Cloud asked.

“Why, I did.” Sephiroth said, picking up the book from the coffee table.

Cloud only had a chance to groan in reply before the creaking of the feathers in the sofa cut into Cloud’s ears when Sephiroth sat down again. The sound made Cloud’s entire skull ring out in pain and he closed his senses to the world.

Cloud found that he could hear voices speaking low and soft. Beautiful voices that he loved very much. They were so lovely it seemed almost as a choir of angels singing, and he wanted them to be singing for him. In his heart he knew they were his, the angels, and they would keep him safe. He let up a sigh heavy with longing until the voices blended out of focus, but still touching him with their tone as his world blurred and faded.

Next Cloud heard a shivering voice whimpering with pain, and he was being lifted somehow. He opened his eyes and Sephiroth’s living room moved down, every item drawn out with speed-lines. Then his world bounced, and warm voices talked over him. He found himself seated on the sofa before Zack and Sephiroth sat down on either side of him.

“How long has he been there like that?” Zack asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. A few hours?” Sephiroth said with disinterest.

Zack scoffed disapprovingly.

“You could have put him to bed.” 

“Clearly he wanted to stay close to you.”

“On the sofa then.”

“It was full.”

Zack scoffed again and arranged Cloud to lie down on his side, Cloud’s head in Sephiroth’s lap, then he stuffed the blanket around Cloud before placing his own head on Cloud’s bony hip, his arm protectively draped around Cloud’s legs. Cloud was awake and felt very awkward, but too tired to do or even keep his eyes open. Besides, he couldn’t help being curious to hear more of Zack’s and Sephiroth’s exchange.

“So, you knew Genesis was thinking about leaving?”

“Yes, that he was considering it.”

“And you?”

“I’m not sure yet Zachary.”

“Mmmh” Zack hummed pensively.

“I get Angeal’s decision to… remove himself from the equation, but I can’t believe he made me do it.” Zack said bitterly.

“How would you choose to die then, if you were in his position?”

“… Fuck.” Zack found no other appropriate words, tears spilling from his eyes again.

“I thought he would have gone with Genesis, or… something. Worked it out you know. I thought he could work anything out.” Zack blurted, his voice laden with disappointment.

“He was only a man.” Sephiroth said it as simply as if he was talking about the weather.

“I know… but to me,” Zack sighed heavily “… he was more.”

“Yes well… I’m sorry Zachary.” Cloud could hear the vague dismissal in the first part of Sephiroth’s sentence, and the unexpected warmth in the other.

Cloud had never heard warmth like that in Sephiroth’s voice before. He felt a twang of guilt for listening in, but he also thought he’d come across something important. He tried to sift through his thoughts, but they seemed slow and slippery, and he couldn’t manage.

“They’re sending you on leave to Costa del Sol.” Sephiroth said.

“When?” 

“A few days probably. They’re clearing out the Shin-Ra house for you and sorting out your security detail.”

“Shit, I need a security detail now?” Zack scoffed.

“It’s no secret you were close to Angeal, and Angeal was close to Genesis. They might expect you to join him.”

Cloud could feel Zack’s body getting heavier and his legs being squeezed tighter.

“Mmh, that’s the way it is, huh.” Zack sighed.

“I’m afraid so.”

“Well, thanks for letting me know ahead. And for today. I can’t believe you aborted your mission for this.” Zack said, sounding tired.

“Thank Cloud. He left me little choice.” Sephiroth seemed dead serious.

“Hah, you? No choice? Good one Seph!” Cloud could hear the laughter on Zack’s voice, and that made him smile too.

“He’s awake you know.”

“Oh!” Zack sat up and gave Cloud a gentle rattle.

Cloud opened his eyes to find the world was distinctly less green now. He also noticed it had turned into evening. Zack pulled Cloud out of Sephiroth’s lap and wrapped his arms around the blanket-cocoon containing Cloud.

“How are you feeling?” Zack almost cheerfully pressed a kiss to the slightly damp, blond spikes.

“Like shit, obviously.” Cloud groaned.

“True, true… Are you hungry?”

Cloud looked at Zack as if Zack had finally lost it. He was offering food, at Sephiroth’s place? It was just too weird. He turned his head to look at Sephiroth with equal disbelief. Sephiroth met his eyes and raised a single questioning eyebrow.

“…yeah?” Cloud looked back at Zack, still confused.

“Great!” Zack gave Cloud another squeeze and kiss to the brow before he jumped up and went to the kitchen are at one of the short ends of the room.

“This is happening?” Cloud asked Sephiroth in disbelief.

Sephiroth just looked back blankly and returned to his book.

“Do you want a beer?” Zack asked from the kitchen.

“Err, no?” Cloud replied so low he realized he might not be heard, but Zack didn’t make him repeat himself.

“I’ll have one please Zachary.” Sephiroth turned to the kitchen and raised a hand.

“Cool!” Zack said, opened the fridge and tossed a can across the room too quickly for Cloud to follow.

Sephiroth plucked it from the air with a satisfying clack as the can hit his hand, and Cloud heard two cans opening, one next to him and one in the kitchen. He turned to Sephiroth, with his jaw falling open as he watched his childhood hero take a swag of beer, but Sephiroth sure as hell had never done a beer ad. As far as Cloud could remember he had never seen or read anything about Sephiroth and food or drinks, well except for the drinking he’d witnessed at the Honey Bee Inn.

“I drink Cloud. I also eat, defecate and smell bad unless I wash.” Sephiroth said, the tiniest of amusement dancing on his lips.

Cloud could hear Zack chuckle from the kitchen. Shit, how good was their hearing anyway? Cloud felt his face flush. Great. Cloud stretched to see Zack work in the kitchen. He was opening packages, and something was sizzling in a pan. He wasn’t wearing that silver pajamas anymore, he was wearing his own clothes. Had Sephiroth washed Zack, like he himself had been so many times? Had they been here or at Zacks? Suddenly every time he blinked, images of himself sitting in Sephiroth’s bathtub flashed on the back of his eyelids. The sensation of Sephiroth’s hands caressing his skin under water, the weightlessness of him sitting in Sephiroth’s lap… No, no no no no. Awful timing. 

He pulled the blanket closer around him, hoping it could protect him from his own racing mind. As he was shifting slightly, he noticed his thigh was touching Sephiroth’s and he jolted away from the touch as if it was suddenly burning. Sephiroth snapped his book shut and looked at Cloud with great interest.

No, no no no no no no no, absolutely not. Cloud inched away from Sephiroth, his gaze trapped by Sephiroth’s suddenly predatory look. Sephiroth licked his lips, making them glisten softly in the warm electric light, and that was all that was needed to remind Cloud about those lips on his own, trailing down his chest and close tight around his length. Noooo! Cloud could feel his pulse suddenly racing out of hand, and his cock twitching under the thick layer of blankets.

“Zack!” Cloud whispered hoarsely.

“Hey, stop teasing Cloud!” Zack shouted from the kitchen.

“Why?” Sephiroth purred and grabbed one of Cloud’s feet from underneath the blanket, squeezing it heartily.

It should have been an innocent touch, but it made Cloud gasp and whimper, his eyes immediately tearing up in mortification. Teasing? It was teasing to want to fuck Cloud in front of his boyfriend? 

“He had a shit night, a really shit day and he needs to eat.” Zack said without irritation, but not really leaving the topic open for negotiation either.

“Fine, though I think we could certainly make it better.” Sephiroth reluctantly let Cloud’s foot go and sat back down properly taking another another mouthful of his beer.

“I don’t think that’s on the table, Seph.” Zack said, slamming dishes around as he spoke.

Cloud pressed his back into the sofa and held his breath until he was sure Sephiroth had backed down. Had he gotten it wrong? Had Sephiroth just suggested a threesome? Was it a joke? Why wasn’t Zack reacting more? Nothing made sense.

“You want food Seph?” 

“Mmh, please.”

More clattering was heard from the kitchen, and then three distinct sounds of plates being set on the table.

“It’s ready!” Zack said cheerfully.

Cloud waited to rise from the sofa until the other two had sat at the kitchen table, choosing the seat next to Zack in hopes that he’d be spared from more ‘teasing’ from Sephiroth. In front of him was a steaming plate of pasta, a red sauce full of vegetables and little pieces of meat. It smelled rich, fresh, divine, even. Zack had already dug in and was enthusiastically reducing the mountain of food on his plate.

“You found the leftovers?” Sephiroth asked with something soft, like a summer breeze, moving across his face.

“Yeah….” Zack put his cutlery down and gave Sephiroth a sad, knowing smile.

Cloud looked from one to the other, not quite understanding what was passing in front of him, and it made him feel out of place. Zack quickly noticed and explained.

“Angeal always liked cooking with leftovers. He seemed unreasonably happy when he found some before cooking for us, so it seemed appropriate.” Zack cheerfully explained.

“Oh…” Cloud lowered his head and stabbed a piece of meat with is fork and brought it to his mouth, looking at it as if it was something alien.

Not that it didn’t smell good. It looked good too. He just didn’t feel too good, but he appreciated the taste that seemed to explode in his mouth, leaving behind a fresh, unexpected taste of lemon. Soon he was heaving food into his mouth, not quite with the same gusto as Zack, but definitely less restrained than Sephiroth.

“It’s so good Zack!” Cloud exclaimed, feeling better for each bite he managed to chew down, and he casually took a zip from Zack’s beer.

“It is indeed. Thank you, Zachary.” Sephiroth concurred softly.

Zack gave them both a warm, glowing smile. They didn’t talk much, but the atmosphere wasn’t too heavy. Cloud felt strange though, sharing a meal with Sephiroth in his home. It felt too down to earth. He couldn’t wrap his head around it. He also wondered if Zack really was as ok as he seemed or if he was putting on airs. When they’d all finished their plates, Cloud rose to clear the dishes, knowing he was the newest there, the lowest ranking, the least important, the one who was expected to do it.

“Leave it.” Sephiroth said casually.

“But-” Cloud tried to protest, really feeling guilty about all of the trouble he’d caused. 

He also knew the kitchen would be a mess after Zack’s cooking.

“You are my honored guests after all.” he said, sounding dead serious.

“Yeah, puking in the toilet and all.” Cloud scoffed.

“Yes, and all.” Sephiroth sounded amused.

Zack gave a warm laugh and rose from the table, walked to the chair and stood behind Sephiroth. He collected the silver cascade in his hands, pulling it back and out of the way before placing his hands on Sephiroth’s shoulders. It was such an easy gesture, but it sent chills down Cloud’s spine, making him aware of all of the history the two had that he didn’t know of.

“Thank you Seph, for all your generosity. I wouldn’t have wanted to live through the day any other way.” Zack said affectionately.

Sephiroth had closed his eyes, his face impenetrable perfection.

“Come on Cloud. Let’s go.” Zack said, giving Sephiroth one last pat before making his way to the door.

Cloud walked over to Zack by the door and Zack asked if he should give them a minute.

“Yeah please. I’ll be out really quick.” Cloud said gratefully.

Zack was so generous, kind and understanding Cloud thought and rolled his eyes for his own unbelievably good luck for having him. Cloud let the door close and walked back to the table and sat down on the chair next to Sephiroth, where he sat, sipping beer.

“What was that at the Honey Bee Inn?” Cloud asked tiredly.

“What do you mean?” Sephiroth asked, wickedly playing innocent.

“You know exactly what I mean. I was on a mission. You were not helping.”

“Wasn’t I? I heard you got standing ovations at the debriefing?”

“Why?” Why do you always make things so difficult for me?” Cloud put his elbows on the table and ran his hands through is head in frustration.

“Because it’s fun?” Sephiroth’s tone was light and playful.

“Fun? Really?” Cloud said in disbelief, not that he didn’t believe Sephiroth in that, he just didn’t think it was the full answer.

“That’s right.” Sephiroth put down his beer on the table and grabbed Cloud’s arm, pulling Cloud out of the chair and moved his own so that they were facing each other.

Cloud looked at Sephiroth listlessly, too tired to try to fend him off, too tired to be alarmed. He was leaving in a second anyway. How bad could it get? Sephiroth pulled Cloud down to straddle his lap.

“I think you’re just making things harder for yourself too. Can’t you just be nice, like today?” Cloud voiced his complaints softly, placing his hands on Sephiroth’s shoulders and letting his thumbs caress Sephiroth’s beautiful, long neck.

“Oh Cloud, today wasn’t for you. It was for Zack and Angeal. As for me, I don’t think I’m hard enough.” Sephiroth placed Cloud’s hand on his own crouch and rolled his hips into it.

“For fucks sa-” Cloud didn’t have time to finish before Sephiroth had yanked him forward and caught his open mouth in an invasive kiss.

Cloud pulled firmly out of it, sighing again, his brows in a tight knot. Sephiroth’s hands were caressing up Cloud’s arms all the way to his neck, grabbing a deliciously comforting hold at the back of Clouds neck, tilting his head back. Cloud let himself go, eyes closed, leaning into the cool, strong hands. His tired mind and body starved for comfort, thinking that maybe he could ask one more time if he indulged Sephiroth first, with whatever he was doing. As soon as he felt the deep, searing pain on his neck he regretted it. He should have seen it coming.

Cloud scrambled to push Sephiroth away, to stand up, his hand pressing against the stinging spot on his neck. He walked furious to the large mirror in the bathroom and rightly, a large, angry, red bruise was quickly darkening on his neck. He walked equally furiously back to Sephiroth.

“Why do you always do things like this? I… appreciate… you, but you make it so fucking difficult.” Cloud managed before clenching his teeth.

Zack and Sephiroth always seemed to manage so easily when it mattered. For him, it took a huge effort to stay calm at times like this, but he couldn’t get into a fight with Sephiroth now, and probably never should if he cared for his life.

“Zack is waiting for you.” Sephiroth smiled sweetly.

“Stop deflecting.”

“Well, if you want to stay, you’re very welcome to do so, pet.” Sephiroth licked his lips, leaving the parted and lazily reached out for Clouds thigh with one hand. He let his other hand obscenely rub himself over his leather trousers, spreading his legs wide and lewd for Cloud.

Cloud froze for a second, staring at the splendid, abominable scene in front of him, before folding double at the hips, feeling completely deflated. It was horrifying mostly because in all its depravity, it promised infinite all-consuming pleasure. Fortunately, it didn’t matter right then and there, because Cloud had absolutely nothing left to consume. 

Cloud took a deep breath, even gave a soft chuckle, and when he lifted his upper body his eyes sparkled brightly when he looked up at Sephiroth. He took an easy step forward and perched himself on Sephiroth’s leg.

“Aren’t you a true shop of horrors?” he smiled warmly and kissed Sephiroth’s cheek.

Sephiroth’s face fell into a perfectly soft blend of surprise and confusion.

“Well, my day was shit, but you saved whatever there was left to save, and for that I am truly grateful. Thank you again, and congratulations on your promotion, if it matters to you.” Cloud meant every word he said.

He meant them so much they felt heavy when they escaped him. He wrapped his arms around Sephiroth’s neck for just a moment, and pressed his cheek affectionately into Sephiroth’s fragrant, cool skin. He let himself relax completely just for a single breath, still with a tired but genuine smile.

Sephiroth turned his head towards Cloud and pulled a breath to speak, but instead he was caught in a chaste, tongueless kiss: soft, affectionate, easy, and real. It was so warm it seemed to spread heat all through Sephiroth’s body, and before he could react, he was released, and found Cloud walking to the door. He watched Cloud step into his boots, not bothering to pull up the zippers. He saw Zack’s face brightening like fireworks lit up a spring festival sky when the door swung open. He heard Cloud’s quiet and very casual ‘Goodbye’ before the door closed behind them. And then he had the whole evening ahead of him, alone with his choices, his loss, and his dirty dishes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm all for discussion! Feel free to leave kudos and comments of any variety! <3


	18. C/Z Word play

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud and Zack have a few important conversations, negotiating their relationship. Then Zack introduces Cloud to the delight of vibrators. Zack is in an unusually teasing mood, making Cloud beg for it.

Zack squeezed Cloud’s hand for a moment on Sephiroth’s landing before letting go. They quickly made the short walk to Zack’s quarters. As soon as they stepped in through the door Zack’s hand touched the dark bruise on Cloud’s neck, making Cloud flinch.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize he was gonna…” Cloud started, unsure of what to say or how to explain.

“Hey, you don’t need to explain it to me. Besides, I’m pretty sure Sephiroth saw the traces of marks you left on me this morning. I’m sure he was just teasing you!” Zack said lightly.

“Doesn’t it bother you at all?” Cloud asked glumly.

“Not really? Is there anything that I should be bothered about going on? It’s just a kiss mark, right?” Zack’s asked with a slight edge.

“No…” Cloud could hear the doubt in his own voice, not sure he was answering the right question.

“You’d tell me if there was, right?” Zack pried intently while removing his shoes.

“Yeah.” Cloud felt guilt knowing fully well there were questions in need of ventilation regarding Sephiroth’s and his… relations.

“You know I’d support you no matter what, right? You know that right?” Cloud could hear the tinge of panic on Zack’s voice, having gotten familiar with it last night.

“I do, Zack. I know. I promise I would tell you if there was anything to be concerned about.” Cloud’s guts turned, but he told himself it was from the mako-treatment. 

“Hey, did Sephiroth invite us into a threesome today?” Cloud had been dwelling on that one for a while.

“I guess so.” Zack smiled as if being reminded of a joke.

“Was he serious?”

“I think so!”

“Is that normal, for him? With you?” Cloud’s stomach was turning for a fresh, new, shiny reason.

“Hmm… well, it happened a few times when we were younger. Mako, hormones, you know…”

“Actually, I don’t know.” Cloud said earnestly.

“Right. Sorry.” Zack’s smile died in an instant.

“So you slept with him?” Cloud asked, hoping his nervousness about the answer couldn’t be heard.

“I mean, never alone. I… I didn’t realize that was something important to you.” Zack said cautiously, waiting for Cloud to get his shoes off before they went together to sit on the yellow sofa.

Cloud curled up against Zack, his legs resting in Zack’s lap. Loving arms quickly wrapping around him.

“Hmm... Could you tell me what it was like?” what Cloud wanted to know was if Sephiroth had flayed Zack’s skin open too, fucked him until he bled, or split, or choked in his own vomit. If so, did Zack realize that was the sort of things Sephiroth was doing with him? That’s what Cloud really, really wanted to know.

“Of course I will tell you, but do you really want to know?” Zack asked.

“Haven’t we already had this discussion? I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.” Cloud said, making a huge effort to keep anxiety and frustration out of his voice.

“You’re right. I’m just really afraid I’ll say something that’ll push you away.”

Zack was doing it again, that typically Zack thing that made him so endlessly irresistible. He was being open and honest with his fears, making himself vulnerable exactly when he needed to. Cloud worried for a second that Zack might be right. What if there was something he really didn’t want to hear? What would he do if Sephiroth had treated them the same? Would he be ok with that? He didn’t think so. He certainly wouldn’t be ok with the thought of Zack being treated in such a ruthless, unkind way. But he needed to know. 

“You won’t.” Cloud said, hoping he was a good liar.

“Okay.” Zack took a deep breath and kissed the top of Cloud’s head.

“We were young, this was definitely before I got with Angeal… So maybe… sixteen, seventeen? I was in my first years of mako, but of course Sephiroth had been treated for years already, and you know what it does… with the… feelings and the horniness, right? So Sephiroth told me he used to go out with Genesis to pick up girls and then they’d… you know. He asked me if I wanted to try it too. Shit, this makes me sound like such a loose slut… And I was one! Gods, maybe I still am, not even realizing this was something that I should have mentioned to you…” Zack’s words were flowing unevenly, he was uncharacteristically self-conscious, painfully so from the look of him.

“Hey, I never think of you that way. That’s not at all what I want to hear, you know that right?” Cloud took Zack’s hand in his own and kissed his knuckles and his palm, turning it gently and touching it reassuringly.

“Yeah… okay. Thanks Cloud.” Zack took a moment to collect himself before going on.

“Anyway… We went out and found some girls with our cute little uniforms. Sephiroth had massive savings even back then so he paid for love-hotels, even fancy hotels if the girls wanted it…” Zack’s voice trailed off.

“Yeah, but what did you do… like… in bed?” Cloud felt his heart clogging his throat when he asked, feeling guilty and just… horrible for putting Zack on the spot.

“Pretty normal stuff, I guess. Mostly our focus would be on the girl or girls we picked up. Sephiroth is… you know everyone is attracted to him, myself included, but I’m not sure how he feels about that... So at first I guess we did some stuff together, like kiss in front of the girls, and touched each other… But Sephiroth has this way of keeping his distance and that… it doesn’t really work for me. He had this ruthless streak. I mean I get it, growing up in a Shin-Ra lab gets you boundary issues of a thousand varieties, but I found it was very difficult… in bed. Does that make sense?” Cloud could hear Zack’s pulse hammering in his chest, and he was swallowing repeatedly.

Cloud had never seen Zack so nervous, or even so upset, not counting last night. He filed away the part of Sephiroth growing up here at HQ for later. Had he known? Had the articles ever said so? He couldn’t remember, but he was certainly looking it up. Instead he focused on Zack, and his own surprise at how hard this conversation seemed to be for Zack. Cloud couldn’t help but to feel how loved he was from how carefully Zack was treading, even though he was being very up-front with things now, and so far nothing overly alarming had come up.

“Yeah, I think so…” Cloud was still unsure if he’d gotten the answers he was looking for.

“So… when you say ruthless..? But then you told me before that Angeal spanked you?” Cloud looked up at Zack with a small smile.

Zack chuckled, his eyes twinkled momentarily as if wondering how interested Cloud really was in that Angeal-spanking business. 

“Yeah but that was different. Angeal may have come across as a restrained person, but he wasn’t really. He was controlled in the way that he always, always knew what he was doing, and I think that was made clear to everyone around him too. Especially to me when we were… being intimate. Sephiroth is reserved, but maybe not always controlled. He was never rough with me, but he was with the girls we were with sometimes. I could honestly never tell if they wanted it or not, it was never discussed explicitly, but I think they got off on being with us in so many ways they didn’t really question it after. At least I hope that’s what happened. But it was one of the things that made me uneasy with Sephiroth, and our… picking-up girls days petered out. I thought about it again after I got together with Angeal, which made me consider my preferences in a lot of ways, and then I guess I put it behind me. I haven’t thought about this in years…” 

Zack sighed in deep thought when he finished talking. 

“Hey, he’s being good with you, right?” Zack suddenly hugged Cloud’s legs into his chest.

“Yeah…” Cloud said, sounding a bit distant.

“I’d kill him in a heartbeat if he hurt you.” Zack said, unsure whether he was joking or not.

“You wouldn’t!” Cloud teased and hugged Zack tightly.

“You’re right. I’d try in one but probably need two or three to finish him off.” Zack smiled. “He’s damn strong.”

“So are you…” Cloud felt silly, but he couldn’t keep himself from looking up starry-eyed and love-struck at Zack.

Zack gave a warm, relieved laughter when he saw the look on Cloud’s face which made the tension flee the room.

“Is that what you wanted to know?” Zack kissed the tip of Cloud’s nose.

“Yeah… thank you. Now… Tell me more about Angeal’s spanking please!” Cloud did his best to turn up the intensity of his starry eyes in parody of himself.

It worked like a charm and they were giggling together, almost as if it had been a completely normal day. Cloud felt utterly relieved to finally have a bit more clarity on Zack and Sephiroth, and that nothing Zack had said had been too bad. In the context of SOLDIERs and mako and Shin-Ra, it really did make sense.

“It’s so good to hear you laugh Zack.” Cloud murmured and pulled himself closer to Zack.

“Yeah… Did you hear that I’m going to be sent away on forced leave?” Zack’s smile faded a little.

“Yeah. Are you okay with that?” Cloud asked.

“Well, in a way I guess. I mean, I’m not really in a great place, in case you hadn’t noticed. But I’ll be sad not seeing you, Aeris, Kunsel or Sephiroth. Part of me really just wants to stay with you, you know.” 

“Yeah, I get that.” Cloud gave a reassuring smile.

“So… Can I ask you now what actually happened with Angeal, or do you need more time?” Cloud asked carefully.

“No, you should absolutely know. What did they tell you this morning at your de-briefing?”

“That Genesis had defected, but not the reason to why. They just said Angeal had followed and was killed in action.”

“Well, how fucking convenient.” Zack rolled his eyes.

“You know the science department is huge… They do so many experiments it’s hard to keep track. I mean, not that they want anyone to keep track. They’ve done some really shady stuff, so it turned out that Genesis and Angeal had some sort of alien cells implanted in them. It allowed them to be copied… cloned. Honestly, I don’t fully get it, but I saw the Genesis copies when HQ was attacked. They were gruesome Cloud.” Zack sighed and reminded himself that it wouldn’t help to blurt his words out quickly. This was already real weather he spoke about it or not.

“With Angeal it was the same, and he probably struggled with it ever since he found out, whenever that was. I think it really terrified him that he, with his strength and abilities, could be copied, used and weaponized. His integrity was hugely important to him.” Zack buried his face in Cloud’s hair for a moment before going on.

“I guess he decided to erase that possibility, by… erasing himself. And he, he made himself into this thing, this monster, and he attacked me. He knew Shin-Ra had ordered me to go after him. They’d asked Seph first, but he refused. Angeal knew I would follow through with it, probably because he knew I would for his sake, which is true I guess. Or maybe that’s just an excuse I tell myself to cover up that I was too weak to refuse the order too? In a way I’m grateful that he chose me to be with him for the end. But it’s just… so, so confusing.” Zack’s hand came up to his own cheek to touch the scar Angeal had given him in their last battle.

Cloud just looked blankly at Zack, trying to understand how Zack wasn’t still crying in a wet puddle on the floor. It was unfathomable.

“Zack, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine your pain.” Cloud climbed to sit in Zack’s lap, facing him, draping his arms around him, making himself heavy on top of Zack so that their bodies would be pressed together.

“Thanks Cloud. I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re so good to me.” Zack hugged Cloud as if his life was depending on it, and Cloud had to choke back sobs that threatened to escape for Zack’s sake.

“Am I? I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing when I’m with you sometimes. Will you tell me if I can do something better for you?” Cloud mumbled into Zack’s neck.

“Are you kidding me? I couldn’t even make you up to begin with, how could I possibly ‘improve’ you?!” Zack pushed Cloud away only to kiss him tenderly.

“Really?” Cloud mumbled into the kiss, but the only reply he was a warm, affectionate tongue slipped into his mouth.

“Zack.. Fuck!” Cloud felt like his body instantly had been lit on fire, now that the tension was cleared, all questions had been answered, and the shitty day was over.

All that was left was that fresh mako burning in his blood, making it volatile.

“Yeah, let’s.” Zack’s voice was suddenly low, and he playfully bit on Cloud’s lower lip before standing up and carrying Cloud with legs wrapped around his waist to the bedroom.

“Nooo, I’m too tired.” Cloud said conflicted, because he was, but maybe, he also wasn’t.

“Hey, you took care of me so well last night. Let me take care of you now.” Zack’s eyes were burning brightly.

Zack only bent over slightly before he dropped Cloud on the bed. Cloud’s mouth opened with a gasp as he bounced, his breaths short and shallow, his eyes narrowing in hesitation.

“Let me.” Zack insisted and dropped to his knees, pulling Cloud to the edge of the bed, yanked Cloud’s trousers off and greedily caressed the milky skin.

When Cloud felt his underwear being tugged off and Zack’s lips closing around him, he knew protesting was a lost cause. He welcomed Zack and happily bid the world farewell with a loud, wanting moan.

…

Cloud woke up the next day and the first thing he felt was Zack kissing and touching his back. When he opened his eyes he found Zack’s bedroom flooded in golden evening light. He would have thought it was morning, but Zack was too animated for that. Besides, it wasn’t unexpected after mako-tretments to sleep excessively. His body was warm, soft and relaxed, he’d slept like some old mountain deity, and he kept absolutely still in order to savor the moment. Behind him he could hear familiar, hushed whispers directed into his skin between kisses. Zack did that sometimes.

Cloud would have assumed that Zack would be someone who’d express his love easy and often in words, after all, he was so good with most conversations, but he’d be wrong about that. Zack almost never spoke about love directly. In fact, Cloud thought he rather avoided it. But sometimes if he stirred in his sleep he could hear Zack talking softly to him, or when they were in bed sometimes Zack would go into these… almost worshipping fits. He didn’t mind, how could he? He always felt Zack’s word seeping into him, filling him with glowing warmth that would place itself right under his skin like an extra protective layer.

Eventually Cloud couldn’t stop himself from stretching, and he lazily leaned into it, purring contentedly, arching himself backwards, twisting his head to greet Zack. Zack met his eyes softly smiling, his warm tones even warmer in the intense, orange light. Cloud thought the light might as well be coming from Zack and not the sun at all.

“Just a little longer…” Cloud purred lazily and scooted backwards until his body pressed up against Zack.

Zack let out a hum that was too lazy to be a laugh, and wrapped his arms around the sleepy blond, trailing his kisses up to the nape of Cloud’s neck. Cloud offered small pleased noises and turned his head again for a kiss. Zack leaned in and placed soft lips between Cloud’s, granting warmth without tension. They shared an airy kiss, spaced out with quiet breathing, and Cloud let himself melt into Zack’s hands instead of meeting them, urging Zack to continue with pretty little purring moans.

Though Cloud’s body was soft, he could feel himself harden, contrasting everything else that was going on. Cloud turned the rest of his body to face Zack, feeling the lust written in his eyes when his gaze landed heavily on Zack. It was all he needed to do for Zack to deepen the kiss, granting him the ever tantalizing touch of his tongue. Cloud hummed in pleasure and closed his eyes to let himself be overwhelmed by Zack’s indulgent care. Cloud thought he would never be happier, never feel safer, never be as content as his moments like these with Zack.

Zack’s hands came up to caress Cloud’s face and hair, which made Cloud fill their languid kissing with, feathery, light, breathy hums. Cloud ran his hands over his own body, and finally touched his own throbbing erection, too placid to feel self-conscious. He only used his index finger and thumb, holding himself in the lightest of pinches right below the head, working the fingers lightly in circles which was all he needed to exhale in understated excitement.

“You’re so beautiful Cloud.” Zack whispered, and kissed the corner of Cloud’s mouth.

“Yeah?” Cloud opened his eyes to bashfully in a blatant flirt, deflecting Zack’s compliment.

Zack eyes were soft, bright and simmered in lust. Before Cloud could stop himself he had closed his lips greedily around Zack’s, sucking them with a needy groan, making Zack chuckle softly. Zack easily absorbed Cloud’s sudden burst of arousal and let it peter out softly, leaving only more lingering heat between them.

Then Zack got out of bed to fetch something and returned with his hands behind his back.

“Do you want to cum for me?” Zack asked, his voice confident and seductive, bending down to kiss Cloud’s chin, jawline and neck.

“Yeah.” Cloud breathed and nuzzled his cheek against Zack’s, giving himself a few firmer strokes, dragged along by Zack’s magnetic charm.

“How would you like to cum?” Zack look like he was going to burst with excitement as he placed three items on the bed between them.

There was a purple butt-plug, a pink cock-shaped vibrator with a remote control, and a set of clear anal beads joined together with a flexible string, the bead at the handle being larger than the one at the other end

“What did you do?” Cloud groaned but couldn’t stop smiling.

“I went down to see Aeris, and then I did some shopping! I didn’t want to wake you after the mako… You’re too cute when you sleep!” Zack grinned carelessly.

“Is that the same vibrator you have?” Cloud found his eyes drawn to it, remembering the buzzing sound he’d heard on their phone calls on a few occasions. 

“Yep!” Zack was positively gloating.

“Then, I want to try it.” Cloud’s cheeks flushed with pink, feeling incredibly shy venturing into new territory with Zack once again.

“Hey, when you cum, can I have you in my mouth then? I want it.” Zack asked shamelessly and licking his lips, fixing Cloud’s gaze with his own. 

Zack reached into a deep kiss, invading Cloud’s mouth with his tongue and sucking Cloud’s lower lip before letting go. Cloud gave a few dry sobs, feeling twitch himself leak furiously, his heart pounding wildly in his chest.

“Is that a yes?” Cloud could hear the tease in Zack’s voice.

“Yes. A thousand times yes Zack. You can have whatever you want from me. Have it all.” Cloud’s words came effortlessly, earnestly, driven out of him from the rising need for Zack.

Cloud suddenly felt Zack tense up next to him, and when he opened his eyes Zack had a complicated look on his face.

“What’s wrong?” Cloud was blinking his eyes, trying to clear his head.

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” Zack gave a somber, reassuring smile as he made his way down to lie between Cloud’s legs with the vibrator and lube.

Zack held Cloud’s gaze while slowly licking his fingers suggestively, his eyes glinting playfully when he saw Cloud’s breath quicken with anticipation.

“Are you distracting me from something Zack Fair?” Cloud managed even when his lust for Zack was overflowing.

“Yes. How am I doing?” Zack placed slick fingers against Cloud’s opening.

“Way too good…” Cloud sighed and pressed his hips into the mattress instead of down over Zack.

“Good. You promised me, and I want it. Talk later.” Zack said before he slipped his fingers inside while licking up Cloud’s shaft in the same, antagonizing, slow pace.

Cloud moaned prettily and pressed his head back into the pillows.

Zack gave a smug hum and curled his fingers against Cloud’s prostate in a pace he knew would work Cloud up but now allowing him to spill, warming him up for the vibrator.

“Are you going to cum hard for me Cloud?” Zack was back to his teasing, lightly kissing Cloud’s frenulum, ever so softly sucking at the stretching skin.

“I’m planning to!” Cloud laughed and rolled his hips off the bed, but Zack was ready for it and easily went along with the movements, making them useless.

Zack spread his fingers carefully inside Cloud to check the softness, finding it good, and pinched around Cloud’s swelling rim for good measure before pulling his fingers out. Cloud whimpered a little, and sat up, bending his legs to watch Zack preparing the vibrator with lube.

“Is it silly that I’m a bit nervous?” Cloud asked with a shy smile.

“No, why would that be silly? Let me know if you don’t like it. I got you three different ones for that reason!” Zack’s voice was warm and reassuring, and so was the kiss he placed on Cloud’s knee.

Zack spread Cloud’s legs open by planting kisses down the inside of Cloud’s thigh and Cloud fell back into the mattress with a blissful sigh. Zack opened his mouth wide and eased Cloud’s cock in, letting it glide along the roof of his mouth, but he didn’t close his lips or tongue around it.

“You’re giving me a heart-attack.” Cloud half cried, half laughed between deep breaths.

“Is this ok?” Zack pulled off and turned the vibrator on to the lowest setting and trailed it down the same way his kisses had moved a moment ago.

“Yeah, feels… different, but fine.” Cloud’s chest was rising and falling with attentive breathing.

Zack let it slide up beside Cloud’s cock and closed his hands around it and the vibrator together, turning the dial up slowly, making Cloud’s hips lift off the mattress just as slowly.

“Good?” Zack asked again. Cloud shot a glance down on Zack, finding him with a playful, knowing, engrossed smile.

“Yeah.” Cloud chuckled at the sight of Zack.

Zack dragged the vibrator across Cloud’s skin, towards the pink, puckered entrance and lightly pressed the tip against it while turning up the dial slightly. Cloud grabbed a pillow and pressed it into his chest, his breaths shivering with anticipation.

“Can I push it in?” Zack whispered and trailed wet kisses up Cloud’s cock again.

“Yeah, get that heart-attack going.” Cloud groaned.

Cloud let out a gasp as the dildo entered him. It wasn’t particularly good, or particularly bad. Just… different. Firmer, for sure. Zack’s lips on his cock however, were heavenly, and they made him buck his hips, filling Zack’s mouth with himself.

Zack hummed amused while pressing the vibrating tip into Cloud’s prostate, drawing a helpless yelp. Zack slid his mouth off of Cloud only to tease more.

“Give it to me Cloud.” Zack purred and dived down on Cloud too lightly, too openly.

Cloud laughed and moaned, slamming his fists into the bed in frustration. He tried to push himself harder on the vibrator, eager for to feel more, but Zack easily parried.

“You’re awful!” Cloud said, not convincing anyone.

Zack pulled himself off of Cloud, hollowing out his cheeks, making obscene slurping noises and popped himself off to let Cloud’s dick bounce against his stomach.

“What are you waiting for Cloud? Cum!” Zack could barely keep his own laughter from his words, before he let his tongue swivel around the pink, swollen, glistening crown of Cloud’s perfect cock.

Cloud raised himself to his elbows to look down at Zack, laughing with tears of lust and laughter streaming down his face. Zack looked up with a wicked, playful grin, biting his lips, showing off how red and swollen they were, making Cloud moan with the sight of him. Zack grinned wider and turned up the vibrator, pushing it into Cloud’s prostate.

“Please Zack, make me cum. What do I have to do to let me cum?” Cloud whined and begged playfully, his face flushing when the vibrator buzzed louder.

“Have patience!” Zack gleefully answered and let his mouth glide up and down Cloud’s cock once, properly.

“Noooo, no I can’t!” Cloud laughed desperately.

Cloud’s laughter was quickly changed into a desperate moan when Zack started moving the vibrator in an agonizing tease.

“Say ‘I have got a date at a quarter to eight. I’ll see you at the gate, so don’t be late.’ three times in a row and I’ll let you.” Zack said, sounding like the devil himself.

“What?!” Cloud didn’t know if he should laugh or cry, writhing and fidgeting, not knowing what to do with all the sensations.

“I’m serious Cloud!” Zack wasn’t too convincing, giggles lacing every syllable.

“I have a date… Mmmh… See you at the gate…” Cloud said slowly more out of curiosity of what Zack would do.

“Yeah Cloud…” Zack murmured hoarsely and eagerly took Cloud properly in his mouth until he could feel Cloud’s balls contracting.

“Nooo!” Cloud let out in frustration when Zack stopped.

“This is the silliest sex we’ve ever had!” Cloud giggled madly, his body reluctantly moving away from release.

“Yeah…” Zack said engrossed, as if he’d just received an amazing compliment, smiling warmly at Cloud, clearly unaware of how lewd he looked which sent Cloud into a new laughing fit.

“Why won’t you let me cum?!” Cloud laid back in frustration and pulled half-heartedly at Zack’s black tresses.

Zack hummed and licked lazily at Cloud’s twitching length, dragging the vibrator in and out but only with the lightest pressure against Cloud’s sweetest spot, enjoying Cloud’s delicate shivers.

“Do you wanna fuck me?” Cloud asked with a groan.

“Nope.” Zack grinned and licked sloppily at Cloud’s leaking slit.

“Do you want me to fuck your mouth silly?” Cloud asked and writhed in frustration.

“Not really, no.” Zack bobbed up and down over Cloud again without any particular intent.

“What then?” Cloud breathed.

“Just a little more time with you, here like this…” Zack smiled, almost looking guilty when Cloud looked down on him wide eyed, face flushing red.

“Oh… Oh!” Cloud groaned when Zack’s touches turned generous again.

“Are you ready then?” Zack asked, his voice a little hoarse.

“Yes, please gods, Zack make me cum… please…” Cloud pleaded with a thick voice.

“Then let me drink you Cloud.” Zack said, stroking Cloud’s cock and turning the vibrator up slowly, moving it purposefully against Cloud’s insides before lowering his lips one more time over Cloud’s lovely, dribbling cock.

Cloud whimpered in sweet agony, pushing his hips off the bed, and this time Zack met up with him, not fully, but enough to send him on a certain course to completion. Cloud continued incoherent pleas and mumbling Zack’s name until he spilled warm, plentiful seed into Zack’s warm, welcoming mouth. Cloud’s body erupted so forcefully he wondered if he’d one day break the toy if he kept coming harder and harder like he had during the last year with Zack.

Zack stayed with him all through the drawn out orgasm, fucking into every convulsion until his body was fully sated, turned the vibrating off and pulled the dildo out, causing him to flinch with hypersensitivity. When Cloud opened his eyes Zack was sitting between his knees with a mischievous smile. Zack crawled closer and Cloud sat drowsily up and reached out, thinking that Zack was coming to kiss him. Instead Zack caught Cloud’s hand to press Cloud’s thumb against his lower lip, letting his mouth push open to reveal it being full of thick white cum. Zack’s eyes turned impossibly dark, fixing his gaze on Cloud’s exasperated, frozen face.

Cloud blinked and a soft, involuntary groan escaped when his brain caught up. Cloud softly ran his thumb over Zack’s sticky lips before dipping it inside, soaking it in his own cum and spreading it on Zack’s cheek.

“This is what you wanted, huh?” Cloud said hoarsely.

Zack kept still, but the corners of his mouth curled slightly, and cute little wrinkles appeared by the corner of his eyes. Cloud crowed closer to Zack where they sat and then kissed the cum carefully off of Zack’s cheek. He licked Zack’s lips clean before slipping his tongue inside Zack’s mouth in a deep, passionate, wet, impossibly lewd kiss that had them both wantonly moaning in seconds.

Cloud’s response was a little more intense than Zack had expected, and he had to swallow in the middle of the kiss to keep the cum from going down the wrong pipe. As soon as he had, he was pushed back down into the bed and Cloud pushed his wet and strained underwear down and quickly aligned Zack’s tip at his entrance before shoving himself down on it fast and hard.

“Fuck…” Cloud said and bent down for another kiss, quickly settling in a furious pace.

It was a quick affair, over in minutes. Cloud was moaning load, the rough sensations bordering on pain from being oversensitive. Still, it was exactly what he wanted, and he moved in complete abandonment. Zack was most definitely not complaining, and soon he was thrusting into Cloud with helping hands rather than Cloud riding him. Zack managed to time his release perfectly with Cloud’s and after that intense moment they both fell into breathless laughter.

“Seriously Zack, I love you so much.” Cloud exclaimed after having gotten off and was nestling himself to lie down comfortably next to Zack.

As soon as he’d said it that complicated expression flickered on Zack’s face again.

“What?! Spit it out Fair.” Cloud said at once with concern.

Zack scoffed at Cloud’s choice of words but quickly turned serious when the saw the extent of worry in Cloud’s face.

“Eh… I don’t know how to explain…” Zack sighed.

“Just… try. Come on Zack.” Cloud grabbed one of Zack’s hands and held it firm in his own.

“I know how to carry myself in a fight. I’m confident I could parry almost any blow and slay almost any other creature on Gaia if needed, and I’m used to that now. When you tell me how you feel about… us, it’s like a blow I can’t parry. It reminds me how quickly it could disappear… and that fucking freaks me out Cloud. I mean, that’s one of the main reasons I hesitated to ask you out in the beginning. I felt like that long before we got together. Now when Angeal is gone and I get to have you like this… it so much worse...” Zack’s voice sounded uncharacteristically tired, and his face twisted as he talked, but he kept himself together.

“Oh… That makes sense.” Cloud mumbled and nestled a hand in Zack’s hair, giving small caresses.

“Really?” Zack asked with mild surprise.

“Yeah, I feel like that sometimes too, but maybe not as much. But then again I think I’ve been a bit naïve about life in Shin-Ra…” Cloud admitted bitterly.

“So what do we do? Should I stop saying the words?” Cloud quickly decided on a pragmatic approach.

“Maybe? Would that be fair to you? I think it would be ok for me. I know… how you feel about me. You show me in a million different ways every day. You really do. I’m so grateful Cloud. You mean so much to me.” Zack mumbled and pulled at Cloud’s hand to kiss it.

“In that case I think I should stop. I don’t say it for my own sake anyway... So, no need!” Cloud smiled a warm, thoroughly fucked, intimate smile.

“Really? But don’t force yourself… And hey, do I say the things you need in order to feel safe with us?” Zack inwardly rolled his eyes at himself for not even being able to say the l-word out loud.

“Yeah. And if I ever needed more I promise I will tell you. You’re really spoiling me you know, you make everything so easy for me.”

“Good! That makes me so glad!” Zack smiled, relieved.

“I hate to spring this on you, but I’m being sent away tomorrow.” Zack pulled up to kiss Cloud’s blond spikes.

“Oh. Well, we kind of knew it would happen.”

“Yeah. I’m pretty conflicted.” Zack sighed. “I managed to get you an extra keycard… do whatever. Shower alone.”

“Oh…” Cloud’s face softened, but slowly morphed back into the recent, oversexed mood.

“You should try to enjoy yourself. Relax. Meet some fun people. Call me up and tell me all about it…” Cloud gave a naughty smile, picked up the used dildo and smacked Zack playfully on the cheek with it.

He laughed when Zack wrestled him down into the mattress and peppered him with tickling kisses.


	19. C/S: The gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud wants to change the dynamic between himself and Sephiroth, so he goes over there to offer himself as a gift.
> 
> Cloud is gagged, blindfolded and fucked nice and rough, as expected. <3
> 
> Angst warning for the end. Also, this is NOT a BDSM-manual.

Cloud was lying in bed, reflecting on how much time he had by himself now that Zack was gone. He’d been glad to hear that Zack was doing well, even if it weighed a bit on him that Zack was probably was sleeping with Cissnei, Zack’s ‘security detail’, while they were there. He was glad for Zack, it was just those old feelings of insecurity and jealousy. Honestly it wasn’t so bad though. If it made Zack feel better, he was really all for it. He let his thoughts drift to Sephiroth instead.

It wasn’t so easy to really think about Sephiroth for the simple reason that he got so turned on by his thoughts. Maybe it wasn’t so strange, most of their one-on-one time shared, they’d been fucking. Even though he tried to focus on what happened when they weren’t, he got side-tracked by the overwhelming sensory memories every time. In a way Cloud knew he’d let himself drift like that. It was easier, more gratifying than to think about the complicated dynamics that underlined their interactions.

Maybe it was a habit too. As a child he’d certainly spent so much time thinking of Sephiroth, dreaming of joining him as a friend, or being protected by him from the other children in Nibelheim who hadn’t been kind to him. In his childhood fantasies Sephiroth was the solution to every problem. Cloud sighed heavily and closed his fist around himself to get off, thinking maybe he could focus better after.

There was definitely a hot-cold aspect in how he was treated by Sephiroth. Shit, he was getting so hard, touching his own cheek, remembering that searing slap he’d received in Sephiroth’s bathtub. He remembered the lusting glance he’d coaxed out of Sephiroth when he pressed down on it… ah… Cloud pulled at his pierced nipples and shot his load, cleaning up the mess with a tissue from the bedside table.

Then there were all those times he’d been in and out of consciousness. Even though his memories were vague and fragmented, he couldn’t remember ever being treated cruelly or even harshly then. That was part of the reason he wasn’t really afraid of Sephiroth. In a way he was treated best when he was completely helpless. Why was that? Because he wasn’t a threat then? He wasn’t really any other time either so that couldn’t be it, could it?

Sephiroth’s hands had been so soft and gentle in the bathtub. He thought that he really, really loved that tub. Then they’d been so kind and soothing when he shampooed his hair… and tucked him into Sephiroth’s bed… ah… again… the image of waking up and finding Sephiroth looking at him with gentle, unmasked concern made him come easily a second time. It always did. He tried to avoid thinking about it, feeling the memory to be too precious to wear out. He always wanted to go back to that particular moment, suspecting he would never have another one like it, which was another reason to avoid thinking about it. It was painful.

Cloud laid panting alone in his room, cursing the SOLDIER stamina. He understood why Zack didn’t utilize it every time they slept together. It felt nice, but more like a function of the body rather than… a meaningful experience, or something along those lines. Cloud sighed and wiped his cum into the blanket and then turned it over. It was time for laundry anyway.

Then he thought about the only time he had really been scared with Sephiroth. That time in the practice room when Sephiroth had talked about war while fucking him really ruthlessly. He wasn’t sure he had been meant to see Sephiroth then, but he had, in the mirrors. Hmm… But he’d been so out of it. Maybe he’d made it up? That look in Sephiroth’s eyes… 

He wanted to ask Sephiroth about it. Ask if Sephiroth was ok. He wanted to be there for him. Even though the real Sephiroth wasn’t anything like in his childhood dreams, he had been there for Cloud, and for Zack too, and Cloud felt deeply grateful and indebted for it. But he felt genuine fondness too. To some extent he was sure Sephiroth felt something ‘nice’ for him too. It was there underneath all the other… stuff. He just wasn’t sure how to… make it grow, or make it more… constant.

…

Cloud had texted Sephiroth ahead, asked if he could have some time. He’d been vague about what he wanted. Somehow he didn’t think ‘Hi Seph I’d us to fuck nicely so that we can get better acquainted. By the way, how are you doing? Also, wanna be friends with benefits?’ would go over so well. Sephiroth had agreed to meet.

Cloud walked over in a large trench coat he’d borrowed from another third class, and under it he wore the hero-outfit he’d worn when he was stationed at the Honey Bee Inn, the one Sephiroth had seen him dance in. He’d carefully prepared his body, shaved it like it had been when he’d performed and cleaned it inside and out, wanting to be ready for anything. He’d skipped the makeup and the wig though. Sephiroth never gave him any reason to think that the maleness of his body was a turn-off. He took a deep breath before he knocked on the door to Sephiroth’s flat. The door swung open.

“Cloud.” Sephiroth said while swinging the door open and stepping aside to let Cloud in.

Cloud shivered at the sound of his name being uttered in that low, velvety voice while he carefully stepped out of his shoes, but kept the coat on for the moment. His heart was beating furiously, and he tried to collect courage to do what he came here to do. He was having trouble lifting his eyes off the floor, even though he’d been in the flat quite a few times before, in various states. He saw Sephiroth’s red velvet slippers, and he could see the hem of his… smoking gown? It looked exquisite. A wide full-length gown in dark red velvet, with thick, dull golden embroideries in a floral pattern that somehow suited him perfectly. The edges was finished with a thick red silk rope and a bright red lining flicked in a tease as he was moving. Cloud could feel his eyes trailing upwards from the hem, unable to resist the urge to see Sephiroth fully in his private evening attire, and gods, he would never regret it. The robe hugged his shape perfectly, the dark lapels framing his face and presenting a stark contrast to cascading silver hair. Cloud could feel his eyes tearing up in awe and quickly lowered them again. What was he really doing here?

“Cloud?” Sephiroth sounded vaguely impatient.

“I came here…” Cloud shivered at the sound of his name being called and mindlessly reached his hand to touch the fabric at Sephiroth’s waist, his mouth drying when he realised.

“Yes, I can see that. Why?” Sephiroth’s voice was now colder, and definitely impatient.

“… as a gift.” Cloud finished nearly in a whisper and started to undo his trench coat, letting it fall to the floor to distract himself from feeling like the idiot he probably was.

“Is this a joke?” Sephiroth’s tone was cold, but he articulated the words in a way that made him sound furious.

“No.” Cloud said in a low voice and kept his eyes lowered.

“Cloud, you really shouldn’t be here. Please leave.” Sephiroth walked to the door, preparing to open it.

“I won’t. You can make me leave if you really don’t want me here.” Cloud managed without any hesitation, flushing at his name being called so intimately.  
The turn-out had already exceeded his worst expectations. He hadn’t been killed or thrown out.

“The outfit?” Sephiroth asked coolly.

“I could feel you looking, at the Honey Bee Inn.” Cloud said quietly.

“The coat?” Sephiroth’s voice had taken on a hint of curiosity.

“Borrowed.” Cloud swallowed.

“You’ve given me the purpose of you being here, but not the reason. I ask you again. Why did you come here?” Sephiroth asked patiently, walking around Cloud, watching him closely.

“Every time I’ve asked something of you you’ve indulged me. I wanted to do something for you too…” Cloud felt incredibly stupid and embarrassed as he said it out loud, standing in a skimpy hero outfit before his actual childhood hero.

“You’re here to settle a debt?” Sephiroth asked, but it was clear he’d already decided that’s how things were. 

He raised his hand to land an open-handed blow on Cloud’s cheek, hard enough to send Cloud tumbling to the floor. Cloud let himself fall, not resisting. He could feel Sephiroth tower over him, watching him. He could feel the air on his backside, the skirt must have slipped. He put his hand to cool down the burning skin on his face and stood up to face Sephiroth. He expected things to go this way. He wasn’t taken aback this time.

“No, that’s not it. I came here because I wanted to.” Cloud said steadily and carefully stood up from the floor, trying to make his movements smooth and attractive, like when he’d been dancing. He’d come to seduce Sephiroth after all.

“Are you here to ask me to hurt you again?” Sephiroth asked with suspicion. “Did you have another mako adventure?”

“No.” Cloud took a step closer to Sephiroth, invading his personal space.

“No?” Sephiroth asked, eyes ablaze, while tearing Cloud’s hand from his cheek, replacing it with his own, pressing down hard over the reddened skin with the white, rising welts.

Cloud flinched but then leaned into Sephiroth’s hand. At this point he knew he was being tested. Sephiroth let out a quiet laugh. It sounded like bells, but not the happy kind. The kind used at funerals. It sounded like, beautiful, impending doom. Cloud closed his eyes, not really wanting to see Sephiroth like that. He was still struggling to let go of the image of Sephiroth as a stoic hero, the one he’d dreamed of. He knew it was unfair to impose that image on the person standing in front of him now.

“Cloud, you should really leave.” Sephiroth’s voice was undoubtedly a quiet threat but his touch seemed gentle to Cloud. It excited him.

“Thank you Sephiroth, for giving me the choice, but I choose to stay if you will let me.” Cloud’s cheeks turned a darker pink from being so direct, making the hand-print visible only as a white outline.

“I won’t let you regret it later tonight.” Sephiroth said like sweet promise.

“I know.” Cloud drew a nervous breath and closed the final distance between them, feeling his hands move to Sephiroth’s chest as if pulled by gravity.

“Good.” Sephiroth murmured, stroked his thumb one last time over the Cloud’s searing cheek before tracing his hand down to Cloud’s throat and started pushing him backwards until the back of Cloud’s knees hit the blue velvet sofa.

“Even though I appreciate your gesture of wearing that outfit to please me, please take it off. It is not the object of my interest Cloud. Then you may sit.” Sephiroth said and walked into the bedroom.

Cloud’s was breathing quick and shallow. His senses were already on overdrive, turned up by nervous anticipation. He took the costume off, leaving only the magenta thongs that Sephiroth had gifted him after the mako-chamber. They were ridiculous, but another gesture, so he left them on. He picked up his clothing and left them in a pile by the door, knowing he couldn’t do a good job of folding them now, his hands were too shaky. Then he sat down on the sofa.

Sephiroth returned with something looking like a wire-frame of sorts with leather straps and a familiar black blindfold. Cloud’s heart skipped a beat, in a moment of uncertainty about wheather he’d made a mistake or not to stay. Sephiroth sat down on the sofa and placed the objects between them.

“I want you to put them on.” Sephiroth said.

Cloud picked up the wireframe-object and turned around in his hands, trying to understand what it was. He looked up at Sephiroth in confusion.

“It’s a gag Cloud. It will allow me to spread your mouth open. You won’t be able to speak, but you can scream as loud as you’d like.” Sephiroth sounded as if he was describing a lunch-menu.

Cloud’s eyes grew wide with mortification and he had to resist the impulse to stand up and make for the door. He tore his eyes from the object to Sephiroth, trying to find any answer as to why. All he saw was cool disinterest. Cloud realised Sephiroth still expected him to walk out. Maybe he hadn’t passed the test yet.

“Show me how.” Cloud said, his voice quivering slightly.

“Gladly.” Sephiroth said and offered his hand to Cloud.

Cloud put his hand in Sephiroth’s and was led to the lavish bathroom with the large gold-framed mirror. Sephiroth stood behind Cloud with arms reaching around, joining Cloud’s hands to turn the gag in preparation. He started lifting Cloud’s hands to position it when Cloud froze up, searching for answers in Sephiroth’s mirrored face.

“Because, my little soldier slut,” Sephiroth stroked the spikes from his face and planted a lingering kiss on Cloud’s cheek, “whatever you have to say, I don’t want to hear.”

The kiss was like sweet poison, spreading shivers all over Cloud’s skin, making the hairs at the back of his neck rise. Sephiroth noticed and gave a pleased smile, his eyes finally glittering. Cloud accepted the answer and resumed putting the gag in place with Sephiroth’s help. 

“Comfortable?” Sephiroth asked as he adjusted it in Cloud’s mouth so that it was placed correctly, and then smoothly took over the leather straps from Clouds hands and fastened them around his head. Cloud gave a little nod, adding an ‘enough’ in his own mind.

“Breathtaking, Cloud.” Sephiroth said as he reached his hands around to touch the metal frame where it pressed lightly into Cloud’s face and mouth.

Sephiroth was trailing fingers along the skin next to the leather straps, back into Clouds hair, pulling Clouds head back into his chest and shoulder. The generosity and warmth of Sephiroth’s touch surprised Cloud, and he nuzzled into it. He saw, as well as felt Sephiroth’s excitement growing, but he felt his heart sink when he caught sight of himself in the mirror. He looked like an animal in a medical experiment. Why would this be how Sephiroth wanted him? He averted his eyes in shame and disappointment at the sight. 

“Perhaps you will learn to like it.” Sephiroth chuckled at Cloud’s expression, picked him up and carried him back to the sofa.

“The blindfold please.” Sephiroth sweetly demanded.

Cloud picked it up and felt the complicated mix of aversion, nervousness and lust projecting through his eyes before he covered them up with the black piece of silk.

A minute of awkward silence followed, Cloud fidgeting lightly, not knowing what to expect. He hadn’t heard Sephiroth shift. Maybe he was just being watched? The air seemed heavy enough to press down on his skin and chest, making it difficult to breathe.

Sephiroth had sat down on other end of the sofa and was indeed watching Cloud intensely. Cloud had already surprised him by staying, and by going along with the gag. Cloud’s gesture altogether was surprising and endearing, despite the childish sentiments. He could still send Cloud home, he thought, as he heard Cloud’s heartbeats racing. He looked exasperatingly beautiful where he sat on edge, the little blond. And at least he couldn’t get to him by talking this way. And what could be the harm? They’d done it before, many times by now. He foung himself aching to wreck Cloud again. He looked so open to it. He always did.

Cloud flinched when Sephiroth first touched him again. His hands were on Cloud’s face, but they slid down to his waist, guiding Cloud to climb into his lap. Cloud seated himself with one knee on each side of Sephiroth’s waist, facing him. Cloud whinced at the potential of him wrinkling and dirtying the lovely smoking gown. He could feel the soft velvet and the hard, colder metal embroidery pushing into the skin of his legs and seat from his own weight.

For a while they sat like that, Cloud unsure of what he should be doing. He could feel Sephiroth’s calm breaths on his skin, on his chest, his face, but he didn’t know what was expected of him. Sephiroth’s scent was one of overripe flowers, heavy and sweet, and it seemed to wrap itself around Cloud, making its way into his nose and his open mouth… He could feel Sephiroth’s hand gliding to his underwear, hooking a finger into the waistband and caressing his skin.

“I can’t say I expected to see you in these.” Sephiroth murmured in a low voice which was hard to read without seeing his face.

Cloud breathed in to try to say something but only made a very awkward noise, having momentarily forgotten the gag. He could feel a sudden puff of air on his face, a silent laugh? Probably. Unable to stand the tension any more Cloud put his hands on Sephiroth’s shoulders and let them wander over the robe, prepared for a backlash, but nothing happened. Sephiroth didn’t seem to be in a rush with whatever he wanted Cloud for, so Cloud didn’t rush either.

Cloud decided to use the time to do his best to overwrite his childhood-image of Sephiroth. To erase the images in the magazines and replace them with the person he was touching now, who’d raped him, beat him, gagged him and brought him extreme but complicated pleasure. The person who’d also never turned him away when he was in need, taken time to teach him fighting and who’d been a friend to Zack… He let his hands look for pieces of the puzzle that was Sephiroth, so that he could understand him as he was, not as what Cloud had pictured him to be.

Cloud felt his hands being picked up and Sephiroth placed them on his face, and Cloud could feel a slight rustle before he felt Sephiroth’s lips on his own, a strange sensation over his outstretched, immobile ones. He could feel how Sephiroth’s lips kissed over the wire of his gag, maybe even enjoyed the metal restraining him, but Cloud was intensely frustrated, wanting to kiss Sephiroth back but unable to. The sounds that would have been small moans and huffs now turned to louder, awkward noises, and his heart sank with shame when he heard himself.

Sephiroth didn’t seem to mind. Cloud wasn’t even sure Sephiroth noticed his inability to reciprocate, and that was disturbing. In a feeble attempt to compensate Cloud tried to return the attention through his hands. He caressed Sephiroth’s face lightly with the tips of his fingers, let them slide through silver hair until they landed on the lapels of Sephiroth’s smoking gown where he marvelled at the lavish textures as he tugged on them lightly, pulling Sephiroth closer.

Cloud couldn’t stop the staggering of his arousal. Though he couldn’t see or speak, or kiss Sephiroth back, the touches they exchanged seemed tender, and he wanted that so much. Though he tried to rebuild his image of Sephiroth he didn’t seem to be able to change his own desire of wanting to be with him, or to be of use for him. The admiration, even the adoration had stayed too, mixed with heavy lust.

“I’m glad you kept these.” Sephiroth said appreciatively as his hands caressed Cloud’s pierced nipples. “I trust it Zackaty approved of them too. Good for you.”

Cloud drew a quick breath to protest but all that came out was another awkward gurgling noise, accompanied by the meaningless movement of his tongue.

“Mmm that’s just perfect. You’re perfect like this, Cloud.” Sephiroth murmured sweetly as he traced an approving finger along Cloud’s outstretched lips.

Cloud shook his head in protest and then carefully placed his head against Sephiroth’s neck. He could feel the restraints making him feel despondent. He ached to touch Sephiroth as an equal and he did not enjoy having Zack used against him as a weapon when he was already in such a vulnerable position. Besides, Zack didn’t have anything to do with the two of them, did he? Why was Sephiroth even bringing that up?

Sephiroth’s hands shifted to Clouds back, one stroking across it, and one was softly tugging and playing with some locks at the back of his neck. Happy for the distraction, Cloud let out a moan, slightly louder than it would have been without the gag. He could also feel his mouth starting to salivate to compensate for it getting dry. He thought back at the time they’d spent together, realising quickly that Sephiroth was probably into that. He had never shown any aversion of body fluids. Cloud felt a burning wave of embarrassment and arousal crash over him, and he groaned and shivered at the thought.

Cloud could feel Sephiroth shift and the cap of a bottle being opened. Then he felt Sephiroth’s hands on his backside, Sephiroth shifting the fabric of the thong aside and a slick finger pressed against his opening, teasing it.

“Has Zackary been training you? Or have you been training yourself?” Sephiroth said, his voice dripping with lust and malice.

Cloud writhed in discomfort to the words and let out more awkward, protesting noises, while his body unreservedly welcomed the touch. He could feel Sephiroth scoff more than hear it, and then he felt a finger on his lower lip, catching a drop of spilling saliva which was then being spread on his face before the finger started to dip inside, carefully examining his warm, wet mouth. Cloud felt humiliated for not being able to show his enjoyment or participate with Sephiroth’s touch. His face had turned into an open object which could only be used. It was dehumanising. Still, Cloud could feel himself swell, and he couldn’t resist trying to move in a way that would ease Sephiroth’s finger inside. 

Sephiroth gave a satisfied, soft little hum and indulged Cloud by slipping his finger into Cloud’s opening. He slowly started to prod around the inside of Cloud’s walls, pressing down on spots that produced more of the awkward sounds. Cloud grew heady from the sensations of having his mouth and ass explored, and it quickly turned maddening. The touches were too slow, too gentle, and they were contrasted sharply by the absurdity of his restraints.

Desperate to change the dynamic, Cloud started to look for a way to open the smoking gown. He found buttons which he undid, and a belt which he opened. He pushed it aside, exposing Sephiroth’s chest and shifted carefully to open it under himself without disturbing Sephiroth’s manipulations. He then placed his hands on Sephiroth’s shoulders and let them start trailing down over his chest, feeling the cool, smooth skin and the rise of old scars under his fingertips.

To be allowed to touch Sephiroth like this was exhilarating, and Cloud’s breath turned rugged. Maybe Sephiroth liked it though, because he granted Cloud another finger both in both entrances. Cloud did his best to breathe through his nose to keep the embarrassing sounds to a minimum, but he couldn’t really manage with the intensity of the stimulation. Sephiroth’s fingers were now catching his tongue, pinching it, pulling it and rubbing it in a way that was so strangely intrusive, yet endlessly rousing and Cloud was moaning and salivating so much he had to cough when some of his own saliva got caught in his airways.

Sephiroth pulled the fingers from Cloud’s mouth and placed his hand under Cloud’s backside, to ease another finger inside, joining the ones from his other hand. 

“Well aren’t you soft today?” Sephiroth murmured into Cloud’s ear, slowly stretching him open.

Cloud clung to Sephiroth’s and placed his face against Sephiroth’s shoulder, silencing his moans and whimpers from the mixed sensations of his straining muscles. Cloud couldn’t kiss, but realized he could lick, so he reached his tongue out and left thick trails of saliva as he tried to lick his desire into Sephiroth’s skin.

Sephiroth pulled his fingers out and Cloud could hear the bottle cap flip again. Then Sephiroth lifted him easily, firm hands under his backside, and lowered Cloud over his pulsating hardness. Cloud felt Sephiroth prying his flesh aside, forcing him open, so very slow that Cloud started to sob softly.

Cloud cried for his own pitifulness, for wanting Sephiroth so much and from the sheer frustration of his arousal. All of his nervousness and anxiety had turned into a furious ache to be claimed, now that he knew he wasn’t being rejected. When Sephiroth was in to the hilt after what seemed like ages, Cloud tensed his muscles to start to move, but in a flash Sephiroth’s hands were on his hips.

“Go on, try.” Sephiroth murmured sweetly.

Cloud, desperate for stimulation, tried to raise his hips but Sephiroth grip tightened and held him down effortlessly. Protesting sounds and drool spilled from Cloud. He tried again but couldn’t budge a fraction of an inch, the only result him being louder. He desperately tried one last time with as much strength as he dared, afraid to break the sofa, and he could feel Sephiroth’s hands sinking into his flesh in a way that surely would leave bruises. It left him listless, obscenely panting and drooling.

Cloud’s head was caught in Sephiroth’s hands and flecks of skin on his face that wasn’t covered in metal, leather or silk were gently kissed. He could feel the dull sensation of Sephiroth’s lips moving across his face, on top of all those materials, until they were on his outstretched lips, having left the skin in his wake burning.

Sephiroth was kissing at all the dripping saliva, licking at it and slipping his tongue inside Cloud’s open mouth. Sephiroth was unhurried, as usual, seeming to wait for Cloud to overcome his embarrassment, as if he was certain that he would. Sure enough, Cloud’s tongue was soon intermingling with Sephiroth’s in the strangest kiss Cloud had ever experienced. In the back of Cloud’s mind there was some realisation about the appeal of being accepted while in such a disgraceful state.

“Tighten up soldier.” Sephiroth said and gave Cloud an encouraging pat on his ass, before returning his tongue to Cloud.

Cloud understood what the game was then. Not knowing what else to do, he did what was asked for and focused on relaxing and clenching down on Sephiroth as much as he could, looking for a rhythm that gave response, waiting for a sign of approval. Cloud could feel Sephiroth twitch and swell inside him. It wasn’t as much as he’d hoped, but he kept going, his thoughts straying. If it wasn’t for the gag and blindfold it would have all that he dreamed of. He wondered what kind of expression Sephiroth was making, and the memory of that kind look he’d seen when he woke up with the mako-withdrawal dreams appeared.

Sephiroth withdrew from Cloud’s mouth and kissed over the blindfold instead, wrapping his arms around Cloud, pulled him closer and gave a satisfied hum. The intimate way Sephiroth was touching sent Cloud’s mind into a confused turmoil. Had he done something right? He returned the embrace, caressing Sephiroth’s face and hair, trying to read his expression with his hands. He couldn’t manage, but the exchange made him ache with longing to be like this with Sephiroth without the hideous props, so much that his stomach seemed to turn, and he was whimpering in displeasure.

“Ah, not what you wanted?” Sephiroth mocked quietly, “Get up. Hurry up.”.

Sephiroth placed hands on Cloud’s waist in a threat to lift him off. Cloud shook his head, not wanting to at all, but got off of Sephiroth anyway.

Sephiroth stood up and Cloud could hear him move things around the room. Sephiroth grabbed Cloud’s chin and lifting it in a way that made Cloud stand up unless he wanted to… lose the touch, or perhaps break his neck? One could never be too sure. He was led by the chin until he could feel his legs bump against the desk.

“On your stomach please.” Sephiroth instructed in a neutral tone.

Cloud nervously obeyed. The desk was hard and uncomfortable against his erection. He folded his arms under his head, which didn’t help much. He could feel Sephiroth walk around the desk, and suddenly his hand landed with a smack on Cloud’s ass. It wasn’t a very hard blow which surprised Cloud, but he whimpered from being caught off guard. Sephiroth’s hand stayed on Clouds ass, caressing it, pinching it, cupping it before roughly pulling the magenta thongs off. Cloud writhed, moaning anxiously and felt the drool uncontrollably dripping down from his mouth, wetting his arms.

Sephiroth walked around to the short end of the desk where Clouds head was, and lifted Clouds chin, guiding his head to the edge of the desk. Sephiroth turned some screws on the gag which made Cloud’s mouth open even wider before caressing Cloud’s face and hair so lovingly Cloud forgot the discomfort of everything else. He was pulled back into the reality of Sephiroth’s perversion when he smelled Sephiroth’s erection before it touched his lips, before it was pushed into his mouth. 

Cloud gagged and coughed from the unexpected transgression, but Sephiroth kept pushing in before pulling out, his hands still caressing Cloud in an utterly comforting way. The next intrusion went easier, now that Cloud knew what was coming. Cloud focused on relaxing, and fighting his gagging, trying to get used to the position and the removed agency that came with the gag. Sephiroth’s movements were slow and controlled and he gracefully refrained from pushing himself as far as possible, giving Cloud a chance to adjust.

They settled into a slow pace and Cloud found that the discomfort of the desk forced his attention to his body. The hard wood, the strain on his neck, his forced open mouth, together with Sephiroth’s slick, burning, hardness slipping in and out of him together with the benevolent touches fed endlessly into his arousal. He adjusted his hands so that he could brace himself by holding Sephiroth’s hips, feeling the muscles ripple exquisitely under his hands. He could hear Sephiroth’s breathing getting heavier, so he started working his tongue with determination, swivelling it around Sephiroth’s head, and pressing the shaft towards the roof of his mouth.

“Very good.” Sephiroth murmured, sounding pleased.

To Cloud’s surprise the praise sent chills through his body. Was that normal? He couldn’t remember ever reacting like that, but his train of thought slipped away, noticing that the desk under him had become slippery with his own leaking erection, and he grinded himself into the slick spot. Sephiroth let out a soft moan and took a steadier grip on Cloud’s head, pushing himself deeper into Cloud’s throat.

Cloud could feel his face being completely messed up by tears, snot, pre-cum and saliva, as he tried to hold still to conserve the air while he couldn’t breathe. When Sephiroth pulled out Cloud focused on breathing deeply, apprehending repetition. Rightly, Sephiroth started to shove himself into Cloud’s throat with less restraint. Cloud did his best to keep up, his world filling with the wet, obscene noises every time Sephiroth hit the back of his throat, white surges searing through his body, making his nerves ring out with a pleasure that felt right and wrong at the same time.

It made Cloud feel like a willing tool. He could tell how eager Sephiroth was from the increasing quiet moans and sighs he let out, and he felt inflamed with the ability to pleasure Sephiroth to such an extent. Desperately eager to please more, Cloud took a steadier grip around Sephiroth to push him further down his own throat, keeping Sephiroth from pulling out. Instead Cloud did his utmost to tighten his throat around Sephiroth’s burning erection. He could feel how his body had become stronger with the mako-treatments. His muscles reacted more easily and stronger, and he didn’t get short of breath as quickly as he used to either. If he hadn’t had the gag he would have smiled.

They had a tug of war before Sephiroth pulled out, Cloud having lost. He was lying heaving, drooling, his smugness mostly obscured by the gag and blindfold, satisfied with knowing he’d brought Sephiroth to the edge of release with his little stunt.

“How vulgar.” Sephiroth said, amused, before he forcibly buried himself in Cloud’s mouth again. 

Cloud let his common sense slip away replacing it with pride and the will to please, feeling certain that he wouldn’t come to harm in this particular game. He put more effort to push Sephiroth deeper into himself and trying to hold him there as long as possible, letting Sephiroth do the job of freeing himself. It probably wasn’t difficult, considering the difference in strength between them was still massive.

They played like this for a while, Sephiroth caressing Cloud’s throat appreciatively from the outside as it closed down tight around him. Cloud could feel his wrists getting sore from the multiple times Sephiroth had grasped them to pull them off, and he could hear Sephiroth’s breathing becoming coarse.

“Drink up.” Sephiroth said in a low voice as he gripped Cloud harshly by the throat and the hair at the back of his head, keeping him still in a firm grip. Then Sephiroth shoved himself to the back of Cloud’s delicate, wet, slippery throat in a violent pace.

Cloud’s body convulsed in protest at the rough treatment, but the way his whole body was shaken with Sephiroth’s thrusting pushed him into a welcome release, soiling the desk with thick, white cum. His throat vibrated in an attempt to cry out, but instead of sound escaping he felt Sephiroth’s warm semen pouring into him. It sent a burning wave through his body, remembering it being poisonous from the first time he’d had it in his mouth before the mako-treatments. Sephiroth pulled out and Cloud folded his arms and let his head sink down on them, struggling to catch his breath.

Sephiroth let his hand rest in blond spikes as he tried to decide what to do next. He felt quite satisfied, but his lust was hardly satiated. He longed to see Cloud’s face unobscured, but he didn’t want Cloud to see him. He knew his self-control was slipping, it had been for a while with Cloud, and that was not good. He could feel Cloud’s misguided warmth clearly when they were together, and even though he knew it wasn’t really for him, it felt nice. He’d only ever felt something like that with the firsts, and now Angeal and Genesis were gone, and Zack was… directing his doting affections elsewhere. He could feel the muscles of his face knitting his brows into a grimace of pain and sorrow: of weakness. Just a little more… then he would make it stop. He caressed the blond spikes and let his eyes rest on the beautiful mess that was Cloud.

“I’ll take the gag off, but you must not speak. Nod if you understand.” Sephiroth compromised with himself.

Cloud nodded without lifting his head from his arms. He could feel Sephiroth undo the clasps, the screws being adjusted to let his mouth close a little, before the gag was taken out. Cloud put a hand to his mouth and rubbed his face to soften the sore muscles in his face.

Sephiroth hands closed around Cloud’s wrists and placed them around his neck. Cloud was gently lifted into Sephiroth’s embrace and carried back to the sofa where Cloud was sat down across Sephiroth’s lap, facing him just like before.

“Can you keep your eyes closed?” Sephiroth asked, sounding… less cold than normally.

Cloud nodded slowly, confusion surfacing through his pleasure-sodden head.

“I will gorge them out if you fail. Nod if you understand.” now with terrifying, commanding coldness.

Cloud nodded again. He felt Sephiroth removing the sticky blindfold, and then his face was wiped gently with a warm, damp cloth. It felt incredibly good. Then Sephiroth’s hands were on his face, gently pressing into sore muscles, starting below the cheekbone, up towards the temple, over his eyebrows, down the sides of the bridge of his nose… The touch was so caring and affectionate Cloud started crying quietly, finally being touched the way he wanted by Sephiroth. He wanted to ask why he couldn’t speak or why he couldn’t look, but he worried it would all stop immediately if he did. He just pushed his calves and thighs into Sephiroth’s side harder and tangled his hands into the hair at the back of Sephiroth’s head, afraid that anything more would break the spell.

“You’re right to cry Cloud. You should cry even more.” Sephiroth’s voice was low, it sounded sombre, drained, or grim.

Cloud felt as if he’d been punched in the stomach by the quiet urgency of those words. Sorrow spewed in his chest, dying him entirely, to the point where he started audibly sobbing, folded over, helplessly crying against Sephiroth’s shoulder, his body shaking hopelessly.

Cloud cried over how he’d been treated by Sephiroth, at the disappointment of what he was really like compared to the kind hero he’d hoped for. He cried about Shin-Ra and the horrible mako-treatments, that he and Zack weren’t enough for each other, for the people he’d killed, for not being able to undo the choice of joining Shin-Ra, for Angeal and all the terrors that Sephiroth must have gone through if he’d been brought up here, by Hojo and Shin-Ra… It all seemed so endlessly sad. It felt like Sephiroth had stolen all of the joy from the world, himself and Sephiroth being the only ones left.

Sephiroth held Cloud patiently, stroking him with long, comforting caresses, feeling his skin tingle with the pleasure of Cloud’s shaking. He knew he’d lost it as soon as he’d uttered those words, his self-control. He’d exposed something of himself for Cloud, and it had not been intentional. As he was closely observing Cloud’s face slowly falling apart he felt something in himself unwind, something he didn’t even know was tied up in knots. It felt good, no, intoxicating, like nothing he’d ever felt before.

Cloud fought the heaviness to sit himself back up in Sephiroth’s lap, letting his hands comb through silver hair while keeping his eyes obediently closed. The sadness was still there, but it had somehow sagged back into his body, clinging like a film of lead around his bones. He realized they had shared something important, something intimate, a secret, but he couldn’t understand what it was exactly. He went about searching for answers with his hands again, letting them carefully move over Sephiroth’s face. There were no tears, no furrow in his brow, there was nothing there but a seemingly blank slate.

Cloud let his thumb brush over Sephiroth’s lips, and wished so much he could tell him that he cared, that he wanted to be there with him, wanted to get to know him just as he was, to be his friend… Somehow Cloud managed to get swept up in his own feelings of tenderness for Sephiroth, and he leaned in to kiss the face he so clearly saw in his mind. Cloud carefully and thoughtfully kissed the corner of Sephiroth’s eyes, traced his eyebrows, the side of his nose before reaching the corner of his lips. His tears started quietly pouring again, this time with sadness that he wasn’t allowed to speak. Why wasn’t he allowed to speak? Cloud planted slow, chaste kisses on Sephiroth’s mouth, but Sephiroth’s face remained still like a mask and didn’t kiss him back, his hands resting heavily on top of Cloud’s thighs.

Sephiroth knew he should put a stop to his. He tried to speak in that commanding tone that made everyone listen, Cloud included, but his throat remained still. He tried to lift his hands to push Cloud off. It would be so easy. Cloud could put nothing against his strength, but his arms wouldn’t lift. It was as if he had been comfortably rendered immobile by the curiosity of what Cloud would do next. It was too thrilling to resist.

Before long Cloud’s feelings rode in a new wave of frustration when his kisses weren’t met. He tried to coax Sephiroth’s mouth open with his tongue, by gently tugging Sephiroth’s hair, or even prying it open with his thumb. He felt like he was suddenly back to exactly where he’d started with Sephiroth: he never got what he wanted. Growing bolder, he reached down with one hand between them, finding Sephiroth wonderfully hard, which made him feel more confident. He slid forward so that he could stroke them both together. He kept his other hand touching Sephiroth’s face, trying to read for changes. He rolled his hips slowly into his hand, grinding his own erection into Sephiroth’s.

Cloud leaned in and tried kissing Sephiroth again, hoping to have tipped the scales, but Sephiroth’s face remained as still as his breathing and his pulse. Cloud recalled their previous encounters to weigh his options, with the only conclusion that Sephiroth was unpredictable. He stilled his movements and left a lingering kiss on Sephiroth’s cheek as if to apologize in advance before he let the hand in the silver hair glide down Sephiroth’s nose and let it clamp down over it.

Cloud could feel his own body stiffen, and himself swell in his hands with the tense moments that followed. He could feel Sephiroth’s hands come up to his waist and he thought first that he was going to be pushed away, but the second he felt them tighten around him he knew and rushed to close his lips over Sephiroth’s again. They finally opened for him, making Cloud moan in delirious victory. His hips crashed hard into his hand and into Sephiroth’s body before Cloud let his hands dart to grab Sephiroth’s head in order to grind their mouths harder together, making their teeth clash. Sephiroth kept one hand on Cloud’s thigh and the other picked up the stroking as Cloud tugged on fistfuls of silver hair. Cloud was tasting Sephiroth as if his life depended on it and before he realized he was shuddering and shooting himself into Sephiroth’s hand and all across their stomachs.

Cloud pulled away from the kiss in momentary embarrassment, but quickly felt deprived from the loss of Sephiroth’s lips and returned to them just as quick. Gods, he’d just cum but he felt he frantically wanted more. Cloud raised his hips and lowered them, hoping that Sephiroth was done with all games for the day. It seemed he was, because his cock was prodding at Cloud’s opening, and Cloud drove himself down over it, letting up a broken cry into Sephiroth’s mouth.

Cloud immediately started to raise and lower himself over Sephiroth in fevered surrender, Sephiroth’s hands on his hips lifting and pushing him down in aid. Their movements were too fast for kissing and Cloud arched his back to push his chest into Sephiroth and let his head fall back, trying to use his bodyweight to fuck Sephiroth harder, but it still wasn’t nearly enough. He raised his head again painting his face in desperate need, hoping Sephiroth would read his mind.

Cloud felt Sephiroth’s hand on his face, and a thumb against his lips. He willingly opened his mouth in an invitation, wanting to feel more: anything and everything more. He greedily licked and sucked on Sephiroth’s thumb, tasting a familiar musky saltiness on it. It must have been the hand that had been stroking them because he recognized his own taste. Cloud opened wider, asking for more, and to his delight Sephiroth exchanged his thumb for longer fingers, reaching further, caressing his tongue and the roof of his mouth in heated exploration. Cloud felt as if he could finally make his point. He didn’t need to be gagged for this, and now he enjoyed it to his heart’s content, loudly moaning and tears of arousal streamed from his closed eyes.

Cloud could feel Sephiroth inching his way towards his throat until he gagged, making every muscle in his body contort violently. Cloud was careful not to bite down on Sephiroth’s fingers while making an effort to keep the contents of his stomach down. He could hear Sephiroth letting out a quiet groan from him clamping down with the reflexes, and while he knew he must be out of his mind, he loved it, letting up strained, wanton moans between heaving breaths. Sephiroth twirled his fingers in Cloud’s mouth and gave Cloud an appreciative kiss on the cheek before reaching his fingers further back again. Cloud gagged again, panting, moaning and drooling and finally overwhelmed started shaking his head.

Sephiroth removed his fingers and broke their rhythm. Cloud’s mouth was pried open for another bruising kiss, and then he was quickly picked up and laid down on the floor. Sephiroth grabbed one of his legs and hitched it over his shoulder, letting the other fall to the side he unceremoniously started entering Cloud over and over, making sure to pound himself into Cloud’s sensitive spot. Cloud raised his arms to cover his face, trying to muffle his staggering cries, as his body was thrown into new violent quaking as he shot a thin load across his chest.

Sephiroth slowed down only for a few seconds, and then he picked up his thrusting with a vengeance, leaning heavily over Cloud, bending his body and hammering him hard into the floor. Cloud outright screamed from overstimulation. He quickly covered his mouth with one hand and grasping for something to hold on to with the other. Cloud’s hand was caught by Sephiroth who let their fingers twine together, and the other hand was torn off of Clouds mouth and pinned to the floor.

“Scream for me Cloud.” Sephiroth requested in a low, intense voice.

Cloud’s nerves were ringing out so loud that the sound of their bodies being hammered into each other was fading. Cloud’s nails were digging into the back of Sephiroth’s hand as an unfamiliar tension was building deep inside the pit of his stomach. He could feel the shockwaves going through his body from Sephiroth’s pounding and for a second he thought he was going to throw up.

Instead something else broke and he felt his hearing slowly coming back as he was shooting jet streams of clear fluid that hit both of them, and then came the rushing flood of searing semen filling him up, along with the last of Sephiroth’s shattering thrusts. Cloud thought his ears were ringing but when he relaxed it stopped, and he realised it had been his own voice.

Cloud covered his eyes with his hands as he lay there still jolting with the aftershocks of his orgasm, whining softly when Sephiroth pulled out. Sephiroth slumped down on the floor next to Cloud and pulled Cloud into his arms. Cloud returned the embrace as soon as he knew he wasn’t going to open his eyes. They both laid there trying to catch their breath.

“Can I talk now?” Cloud whispered carefully, trying to appease Sephiroth with small, dissipating kisses.

“No.” Sephiroth said coldly, giving no inclination of it being a joke.

“Open my eyes?”

“If you’d like to go blind.”

Cloud sighed and buried his face in the thick silver hair. It smelled so good. Why couldn’t he be allowed to say so? It was so soft. Truly amazing. Cloud took a deep breath, drawing in the luscious scent. It smelled like flowers and honey…

“Can I wash your hair?” Cloud asked in muddled excitement. 

He really, really wanted to. He was already lost in the thought of climbing into the generous bathtub with Sephiroth, remembering the lavishly scented soaps and bottles in his bathroom cupboard. Cloud planted another small, affectionate kiss on Sephiroth’s cheek, really looking forward to washing up together.

Instead he felt Sephiroth tense up, and the second after, he was standing up, dragging Cloud roughly to his feet. Before Cloud realised what was happening Sephiroth was behind him with his trench coat, threading it on Cloud’s arms.

“What’s going on?” Cloud asked in complete confusion, blinking his eyes and struggling to keep his legs from bucking under him.

“You spoke. You need to leave.” Sephiroth was speaking coldly, his voice shaking with what Cloud assumed to be fury.

“Why can’t I speak? What’s wrong with me wanting to wash your hair?” Cloud’s voice rose in alarm.

“We’ve bathed together before, I don’t understand!” Cloud felt like a maelstrom was moving him towards the door as well as wreaking havoc through his mind.

Cloud tried to turn around to see Sephiroth’s face, but he was moved too quickly by too strong hands. Sephiroth had opened the door in mere seconds and tossed Cloud’s shoes out to the landing.

“I’ll send you the rest.” Sephiroth said, his voice a low thunder before he shoved Cloud effortlessly out the door and slammed it shut behind him.

Cloud fell to the floor and twisted around and slammed his fist on the door repeatedly.

On the other side of the door Sephiroth slumped down pressing his hands to his face. He should have thrown Cloud out sooner, it would have been easier then. He hadn’t lost himself so miserably in years. He would just have to work harder at it again. Though this time he couldn’t ask for Angeal’s help, or lean against the rivalry with Genesis to spur him on. His head spun with his thoughts.

“Let me back inside! What the hell are you doing?!” Cloud shouted as loud as he dared, not wanting to risk drawing someone else’s attention.

He didn’t know what the rest of the apartments were on that landing, but this was not the time to find out. He could feel tears of humiliation welling up as he wondered what kind of monster would kick another out like this. He thought it had finally gone well, that they finally had shared something meaningful that wasn’t full of the shit Sephiroth always kept between them. He felt Sephiroth’s still warm semen leaking out and his heart sank heavy with shame. It would stain the coat. He’d need to have it dry cleaned. What did his hair look like? He was pretty sure he looked exactly like he’d been fucked senseless and then tossed out on a landing.

He’d have to make it down to his own quarters. Thank fuck his key-card and phone was in the pockets. He fumbled to put his shoes on and nervously ran his fingers through his hair before standing up and walking as fast as he could back to his room, fighting the tears desperately with every step. The second he was safe home he sank to the floor and cried endlessly in bitter disappointment. The floor felt good to him: safe, because he couldn’t fall any lower. Eventually he cried missing Zack, but he knew it was selfish of him, and he had no right to. This was all his own doing, so he’d suffer for it alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter weeks ago, ahead of some of the previous ones. It's probably one of my own favourite chapters and it's definitely the one I've gone over most times up until now.
> 
> Always curious to hear what you think! <3


	20. C/S Rinse and repeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud and Sephiroth have important decisions to make about their relationship. In this chapter they negotiate in the only careful and roundabout ways they know.
> 
> No smut. Some... cute intimacy I guess, and a little touch of angst!

Sephiroth was sure he’d done everything he had to do to shut Cloud down. He was ready to do his best to go back to what had become his normal life: paperwork, PR and the occasional mission, not counting the constant bloodletting for experiments and mako-upkeep with Hojo. He never got used to them, but at least he could hide it now, saveing himself the embarrassment of showing weakness. 

Though he didn’t like it when Zack was away, at least he didn’t have to have Zack and Cloud’s mundane rom-com shoved in his face, and that was definitely good. His thoughts occasionally drifted to ponder that shift between himself and Cloud that had happened the last time they’d been together. He had felt more clearly than ever how he responded to Cloud’s touches, how his skin heated, his blood rushed around like a maelstrom, and how much he had wanted to be the recipient of Cloud’s naïve little… crush. That did not slot into the puzzle of his life, so he had needed to shift it back.

What would happen if he’d come to want to please Cloud too much? Clearly Cloud had trouble accepting what Shin-Ra asked from all employees: mindless devotion. It wasn’t strange, many had before Cloud. He knew, because he’d been ordered to kill dozens of them, managers, SOLDIERs, scientists.... For all he knew he would be asked to get rid of Cloud if he didn’t get his shit together, and he needed to be prepared for that too. His refusal to ‘get rid of’ Angeal had been a one-time grace and it had certainly expired. His ability to kill anyone, anything, everyone, was his gods damned work product. He’d be considered useless without it.

At this point he’d endured so much to get to this point of ‘freedom’ and he wasn’t willing to jeopardise it. Even if he could technically leave Shin-Ra, where would he go? He still only knew very little about ordinary lives, and he hardly knew a single person outside of Shin-Ra. A part of him still hoped to experience more from life than his laboratory upbringing, cut-throat teenage years, and the hero worship the Wutai-war had offered him. To learn about ordinary lives had been shocking, but when Angeal and Genesis came it had become easier to adjust. Angeal had encouraged him to think about it, to dream about it, some way of having ordinary happiness, though he had no idea how that would fit into his life. Still, he felt no appeal to follow Angeal’s way out either. He was stuck, trapped as Shin-Ra’s most popular executioner, and he’d known that for a long time. Angeal and Genesis had known too, which was presumably why they left. Zack was still in denial… But Sephiroth knew better than anyone.

Three weeks passed quietly since he’d last seen Cloud, and the frequency of his thoughts landing on that blond little irritant had lessened. When his doorbell rang one Friday evening, he didn’t think much of it. When he checked the security system it seemed to be a rather large pile of his dry-cleaning arriving, towering above the courier’s head. When he opened the door, the courier stepped unabashedly into his apartment and dropped the pile of his sofa, before dropping himself down too. As soon as the courier had passed him, those unmistakable yellow spikes gave the situation away.

“Cloud?” Sephiroth said, aiming for indifference, though he was really very unprepared for the visit.

“Sephiroth.” Cloud replied politely, and instantly regretted he hadn’t really thought about what he’d say if he’d make it in while taking off his boots and putting them neatly by the short end, not daring to walk back to the door.

“Why are you here?” Sephiroth couldn’t hide all of his surprise.

“Errands for house elves?” Cloud tried and triumphed inside when Sephiroth closed the door.

“I see. And why aren’t you leaving?” a soft shadow of a smile had crossed Sephiroth’s face at Cloud’s answer before he could stop it.

Cloud shrugged while Sephiroth took a seat in one of the matching armchairs.

“And what were you planning to do here, in my sofa?” Sephiroth pried, trying to grasp Cloud’s reasoning.

Cloud’s face flushed red while he shrugged again.

“Did you come to show me your underwear this time too?” Sephiroth jabbed without menace.

Cloud looked at his hands while shaking his head slowly.

“Well then, would you like some tea?” Sephiroth had let it slip before he’d had a chance to think about it.

Not intentional. This was typical, Sephiroth thought. This always happened when he wasn’t prepared. He didn’t deal well with things he wasn’t prepared for. He just wasn’t like that.

“Yeah! Thanks! I’d love to.” Cloud said, jumping to say yes before the offer could be taken away.

Sephiroth walked into the kitchen area of the room and Cloud stood up and followed, wading through the heavy tension in the air. Cloud watched closely as Sephiroth took out a black metal kettle for boiling water. It looked like something belonging to royalty, not because it was intricate or because royalty was a thing, but because it was so elegant, streamlined somehow, just like Sephiroth himself. When the kettle was on the lit stove Sephiroth turned to meet Cloud’s gaze.

“I didn’t think you’d come back again. I thought I made it clear that you aren’t welcome.” Sephiroth said conversationally.

“Well… you’re making me tea, aren’t you? Mixed messages seem to be a thing with you.” Cloud said transparently.

Sephiroth couldn’t refute Cloud’s statement so he put all his efforts into preparing the tea. The tension in the room grew so thick they seemed standing in a room full of jelly-dessert. Cloud almost found himself surprised when Sephiroth continued to move effortlessly through the kitchen. Sephiroth brought out a set of teapots, elegantly glazed in a green colour that seemed reminiscent of mako. 

Sephiroth brought out his best tea leaves, kept in a beautiful lacquered tin. He poured the boiling water through both pots before he let the tea draw in the smaller one. He took out his favourite teacup and another one at random. He’d only ever offered his favourite cup to Angeal before. He’d bought it on a whim, when he’d seen it in an antique shop. It was glazed in a dark blue, almost black, a perfect match for the first class standard issue uniform, but what made it stand out was the way it had been glued together and the cracks hidden with gold. It had reminded him of Angeal instantly, how Angeal had come into his life and finally helped to make sense of… living. He filled the cups with tea and brought them back to the sofa, setting Angeal’s cup before Cloud. It felt right somehow, and it didn’t matter anyway. Cloud wouldn’t grasp anything from the gesture.

Sephiroth returned to the armchair and Cloud perched on the sofa, inhaling the smell of the tea, holding the cup in his hands while it cooled down.

“So, what are you working on?” Cloud nodded at the desk overflowing with documents, not really expecting an answer, but desperate to fill the heavy silence.

“Myself.” Sephiroth said, as if thad would make perfect sense.

“What do you mean?” Cloud’s head tilted to the side with interest.

“Since Angeal died I’ve resolved in learning as much as possible about myself from the archives. It was something he encouraged me to do, but I never felt that it was important before he was gone. Now I suppose it does.” Sephiroth said and sipped his tea.

“Oh…” Cloud didn’t know what to say to that, so he sipped his tea too.

The tea was lovely. Cloud thought it first reminded him of the summer grass after a heavy rain, and then it turned a little bit bitter. When he swallowed it left an ever so delicate flavour of flowers.

“This is the best tea I’ve had in my life!” he exclaimed, happy to find something easy and kind to say.

Sephiroth hummed and his eyes softened in agreement which made Cloud break into a warm smile.

“I’ve been thinking, and I think I owe you an apology.” Cloud said, thinking that he’d never get a better opportunity to bring it up.

“Oh?” Sephiroth tone was warm and relaxed, as if the tea had warmed it for him.

“I think it was unfair of me to think that I knew anything about you before I met you… from… the articles and… the collector’s cards and what not. It must happen to you all the time. It must be so strange. And I did it. I never even thought about it before I met you. I’m sorry.” Cloud looked at the teacup intensely.

“Well, it’s what it is. Regardless, I appreciate your apology. Thank you Cloud.” 

This was not what Sephiroth had expected. No one had ever apologized to him for that before. People just tended to try to gloss it over if anyone had noticed any discrepancies between him as he was and how he was presented by Shin-Ra’s PR-machine. Though he didn’t think Cloud necessarily knew the extent of his own preconceptions, he appreciated the sentiment.

Cloud drank more of his tea, blushing at the sound of his name being said, as he so often did when it was Sephiroth who said it, and tried to hide the desperate relief from his face.

“So… errh, can I come back?” Cloud forced himself to raise his eyes and meet Sephiroth’s heavy gaze.

“For what, Cloud?”

“Can we just… start over? I know it sounds irrational, and maybe it is, but I want to get to know you. I can’t help it. I just want to.” Cloud forced himself to not rush the words and to articulate properly.

“Cloud, I don’t think you’ll like what you will get to know. I’m sure I can’t give you what you need. I have nothing to offer you.” Sephiroth said earnestly: no teasing, no fussing around, no joke, and no threat.

“But you’ve already given me what I need, many times!” Cloud wanted to reassure Sephiroth that he was wrong.

“Perhaps, but I think it gave you the wrong idea about me.” Sephiroth skirted around the word ‘mistake’ while describing his own actions.

“I don’t understand, and I think you’re wrong.” Cloud said, looking hurt.

“I will only ask this of you once Cloud, and I very rarely ask people for things. Please leave me alone. Know me only as Zack’s friend and leave it at that. It would be the wiser choice.” Sephiroth sighed, his face calm as he put his teacup on the coffee table, but his voice sounded worn.

“I’m not sure that I could.” Cloud said after a moment of trying to make sense of the request.

“You should go. Think about it before you decide whether to come back or not.” Sephiroth gave a small, rare, encouraging smile and rose to gesture Cloud to the door.

“Does that mean you won’t throw me out like that again? Are you leaving this up to me?” Cloud asked a bit flustered, set his cup down carefully, gave it one last appreciative look, grabbed his boots and followed Sephiroth to the door.

“It seems like it, doesn’t it?” Sephiroth pleasant expression turned complicated when he replied.

Cloud looked at Sephiroth with considerable confusion while pulling on his boots. Though the atmosphere wasn’t quite as thick, the air was sparking with so many different emotions they both hesitated at the door.

“I don’t want to go.” Cloud said quietly against his better judgement and swallowed.

Sephiroth sighed and all the softness drained from his face. Cloud quickly switched gears.

“Can I kiss you goodbye?” he tried instead, not being used to having to keep his hands off of Sephiroth when they were alone together anymore, and it had bothered him all through the rather short visit.

He wanted the confirmation of their touch again, especially after the way he’d been thrown out last time they saw each other. He wanted to seal the conversation they’d just had with something tangible. He wanted to be closer, so he stepped into Sephiroth’s personal space, feeling like he’d voluntarily stepped into the cage of a dangerous animal.

“You’re asking me that?” Sephiroth breathed a puff of air through his nose in an approximation of a scoff.

“I guess I am.” Cloud said with a small grin and managed not to avert his eyes.

Sephiroth didn’t reply, but he didn’t pull away either. He just kept his gaze heavy on Cloud, waiting for things to unfold.

Cloud felt a heady rush and shivers down his spine. He knew it was warped to feel so rewarded by the absence of rejection, but it happened anyway. He felt the familiar gravitational pull of Sephiroth like a string fastened a few inches below his navel. His hands lifted to hold Sephiroth’s face, pulling him down into a light, chaste, drawn out kiss that made him absolutely dizzy once he felt Sephiroth return it. It left him with his eyes closed and breathing shallow. When Cloud opened his eyes Sephiroth had a soft, complicated expression on his face again.

“I will think about it.” Cloud said, before willing his legs to carry him out of there.

Sephiroth closed the door behind Cloud and sighed. He gently picked up his favourite teacup, glad that he’d found use for it again. He thought he’d never have another chance after Angeal had died. He carefully rinsed the cup and the teapots, going over the conversation they’d had. His heart had soared, he’d realised when he was drinking his tea. It had really taken all the will he had to throw Cloud out last time and to put him out of mind. As soon as Cloud had come back he knew he couldn’t pull it off a second time. It would have to be up to that stubborn youngling now. He had an inkling as how it was going to go, and he was absolutely in two minds about it.

…

  
Sephiroth had been right. A few days later Cloud had knocked on his door again. He inhaled deeply before opening the door to let Cloud in.

“Cloud.” Sephiroth said in greeting.

“Hi.” Cloud smiled nervously while taking off his boots.

Sephiroth kept an uninvolved gaze on Cloud. Just because he wouldn’t throw the blond out didn’t mean he needed to encourage him. Cloud walked in and sat in the sofa and Sephiroth sat down in an armchair.

“Who gave you my schedule?” Sephiroth asked with a flash of humour in his eyes.

“I would never tell you that!” Cloud chuckled while his face flushed.

A thick silence settled over the room, making Cloud shift uncomfortably under the close scrutiny he was subjected to.

“Zack says hi.” Cloud fumbled for conversation.

Sephiroth merely hummed in response, leaning comfortably back in his chair.

“What do you do in your spare time?” Cloud tried again.

“Work.”

“… and?” Cloud looked around the room, trying to see traces of Sephiroth’s personal life.

“Visit brothels.” Sephiroth grinned when his words made Cloud’s blush extend to his neck.

“I mean, what were you doing before I came?” Cloud scrambled and fidgeted with his hands.

“I was reading.”

“Oh! What were you reading?” Cloud perked up with interest.

“I was reading Loveless, actually. It’s Genesis’ favourite, and though we all grew tired of him quoting it, and I’ve seen the play countless times, I find myself thinking about it…” Sephiroth’s voice trailed off quietly at the end of the sentence.

“Would you read it to me?” Cloud asked hopefully.

“Why would I do that?” Sephiroth chuckled softly.

“If you’re reading it anyway… I want to spend time with you, and your voice… I like it. It would be nice…” the heat in Cloud’s spread into his chest where it boiled his heart, and with that it spread all over.

A few tense moments passed until Cloud couldn’t take it anymore.

“Or we can just…” Cloud stood up and walked to stand in front of Sephiroth and started undoing the buckles of his own uniform.

Anything was better than that tense silence. Besides, hadn’t it worked before? Sephiroth’s face cracked up into a rare, quiet laughter and he quickly stilled Cloud’s hands with his own. Then he nodded for Cloud to sit back on the sofa while he went into the kitchen to make them tea, partly to clear his mind from being able to drive Cloud to remove his clothes so easily. He presented Cloud’s tea in Angeal’s teacup again and sat down in the armchair with Loveless and started reading out loud.

Cloud couldn’t believe that his will had been appeased. He absolutely basked in the opportunity to look at Sephiroth, stay in his home, quench his thirst for Sephiroth’s voice… He curled up in the sofa absolutely content with the delicious tea, the lifting atmosphere and listened to Sephiroth’s well-paced, velvety voice that sent shivers down his spine. Now and then Sephiroth would look up from the book, a soft, pleased expression settling in when he found Cloud listening attentively.

…

They settled into a little routine with Cloud coming by every few days if he knew Sephiroth would be home, checking up on Kunsel frequently to try to find a way to repay the favour of Sephiroth’s schedule, but Kunsel just brushed him off with easy jokes.

Sephiroth would only read for the duration of a cup of tea in the beginning, but the sessions grew longer with time. They didn’t speak much, and Cloud didn’t dare to push his luck. Besides, he had the feeling something that didn’t need words was taking place between them anyway. They’d moved closer to each other too, Cloud sitting all but curled up to Sephiroth in the sofa. One time Sephiroth had asked him to read instead, with the reason that he’d had a particularly bad day at work. Cloud stumbled over the complicated words and sentences but received no complaints.

Their exchanges kept Cloud content. Every time he left he’d kiss Sephiroth goodbye, and the kisses always left him exhilarated, breathless and dazed. They weren’t particularly erotic, well, maybe that wasn’t entirely true since he’d gone home and relived them while touching himself many times, but they were… intimate in a way that they hadn’t been before. They left Cloud feeling like he got the privilege to touch a wild beast. They made him feel singled out, special.

…

Some weeks later Sephiroth heard the familiar knock on his door and Cloud gave him shy smile when he stepped in. He’d come to look forward to their meetings. It had made him feel hopeful that maybe the hollow space after Angeal and Genesis could be filled with someone else, even if they could never be replaced. The fact that Cloud didn’t know him well came with the benefit of him being able to reinvent himself up to a point. It had been harder to conceal things from Angeal and Genesis, and Zack of course. Though it was lonely it did give him a sense of control, and with Cloud around it wasn’t quite as lonely.

They settled in onto the sofa after Sephiroth had made them tea, and they exchanged a meaningful look when Sephiroth picked up the book, only having a few pages left. Sephiroth started reading, enveloping Cloud with his deep and calming voice. When Cloud had finished his tea he moved close enough for their bodies to touch and listened with a blissful look on his face. When Sephiroth had read the last of the sentences a serene silence settled in.

“Was that it? What happens after? There’s no more?” Cloud said quietly after a while.

“Nobody knows. The last chapter is lost.” Sephiroth said and put the worn book down on the coffee table, absentmindedly running his fingers over the cover before letting it go.

“So, Cloud, what do you suggest to do with your time here now that the book is finished?” Sephiroth asked without looking at Cloud.

“There is something I’d like to do but you might not like it.” Cloud said with some hesitation.

He’d given it a lot of thought and nothing seemed entirely appropriate. They didn’t seem to have that many things in common, though he wouldn’t mind another book, but it seemed… done.

“Don’t ask me to bottom for you. I’ll probably rip your penis off with my level of enhancement.” Sephiroth said, sounding neutral as always.

It made Cloud look up at Sephiroth in complete surprise, eyes widening with disbelief before he broke into a tearing fit of laughter. Sephiroth didn’t join in, but he did smile.

“Come with me.” Cloud rose from the sofa and went into Sephiroth’s bedroom, standing by the chair in front of the mirrored dressing table.

“Sit.” Cloud put his hands on the backrest of the chair.

Sephiroth stood in the doorway, measuring up Cloud in suspicion. He wasn’t sure he was going to like Cloud’s idea either.

“Please?” Cloud asked with a reassuring smile.

Sephiroth decided to go along with it for now. He knew their relationship would venture into unknown grounds, and here they were. He’d let it, so he must have wanted it, so he might as well let it happen, right? He went and sat in the chair. Cloud rightly picked up the hairbrush but before he could put it in Sephiroth’s hair his wrist had been caught and his eyes were staring into Sephiroth’s. They suddenly looked wild.

“What’s wrong?” Cloud asked, trying to sound calming while putting the brush back on the dressing table and sat himself down in Sephiroth’s lap.

“Are you afraid I’ll mess it up? I won’t, I know how to brush hair, my friend Tifa asked me to do it all the time.” Cloud unclasped Sephiroth’s hand from his wrist and took it between his own.

Sephiroth shook his head in a small gesture, but his face didn’t betray any other emotions.

“Then what? I’ve touched your hair before. Why is this different?” Cloud put his hands on Sephiroth’s face, kissed his cheeks and let his hands glide into silver tresses.

“See?” Cloud murmured softly.

Sephiroth closed his eyes and hoped Cloud wouldn’t pick up on his pulse quickening. He knew exactly what was wrong. It was too intimate. He didn’t deal well with intimacy, how could he? He’d never had a chance to get used to it. He could deal with the fake intimacy of prostitutes or fans who didn’t know anything about him. He’d managed it at times with Angeal, Genesis and even Zack, but that never involved touching. Well, with Genesis it had involved fighting, but this was nothing like that either. It would overwhelm him.

At the same time he felt his reason, his resistance, his control melt away under Cloud’s touch. Though it was terrifying, it was also so sweet. Cloud’s touches were so warm, caring and comforting. Who wouldn’t want them? It was the very thing the prostitutes imitated, wasn’t it? The thing books were written about. The thing that songs serenaded. No matter how impractical, he was not immune.

“If you want to do this you get ten brushstrokes, then you must leave for tonight.” Sephiroth said and untangled Cloud’s hands from his hair.

“Alight, but only full brushstrokes. The short ones at the ends won’t count then.” Cloud definitely didn’t understand why this was such a big deal, but it was, so he deemed it important. Though it wasn’t entirely what he wanted, it was a step in the right direction.

Sephiroth let go and Cloud stood and picked up the brush again. He carefully pulled the hair behind Sephiroth’s shoulders, letting his fingers lightly stroke Sephiroth’s neck before setting his brush in near the tips of the hair to undo any tangles from the bottom. He carefully pressed the hair against the back of the chair to support it, putting all of his attention in doing this right. When he looked up Sephiroth was sitting with his eyes closed. He looked peaceful, like a statue. There was something fragile about him too. Maybe it was just the intimate setting? Or was there something in his face?

Cloud paused for a few seconds just to take in what he saw in the mirror. He couldn’t resist stroking his thumb over Sephiroth’s cheek before he made himself to continue with the hair. This was not the right time to get side-tracked. The hair was thick, heavy and lush, and really almost had no tangles at all. It was cold, heavy and smooth in his hands, every bit as lovely as he remembered it. It smelled lovely too. He swallowed hard to resist every impulse to just throw himself at the peculiar beauty. It wasn’t that he wanted to fuck him right then and there, just… be closer. Too soon the tangles were undone, and Cloud knew he could start full strokes, but he wanted more time, so he continued with the short strokes.

“You’re stalling.” Sephiroth’s voice was cold and distant again.

Cloud hummed in agreement and started the last ten brushstrokes. When he was done, he put the brush quietly down on the dressing table to not interrupt the stillness. He walked to stand behind the chair again and let his hands sit heavy on Sephiroth’s shoulders, looking at their image in the mirror. It made a heat blossom in his stomach, a strong and needy interruption in his own calmness. Eventually he couldn’t resist sliding his hands down Sephiroth’s solid chest, feeling the slow heartbeat beneath his palms. Gods, he wanted it to quicken like his own.

“It’s time.” Sephiroth said and opened heavy lids to reveal darkened eyes.

“I will because I promised, but I want you to know that I’d like to stay.” Cloud said before letting his hand slide through the silver cascade one more time before turning to leave.

Sephiroth walked Cloud to the door like he always did but this time when Cloud leaned in to kiss him goodbye, he reached out his hand to stop Cloud in a flash of panic that he hoped hadn’t shown on his face.

“Was it bad?” Cloud asked, looking hurt and confused.

Cloud tried to take Sephiroth’s hand instead but Sephiroth flicked it away.

“No, but you have to leave.” Sephiroth said quietly and deliberately let his eyes turn sinister.

Cloud hesitated to twist the handle of the door.

“GO!” Sephiroth’s voice came down like the crack of a whip, sharp, demanding and painful.

Cloud jolted, looking confused and terrified only the fraction of a second it took to open the door and leave.

Sephiroth went to his bathroom and filled the tub with cold water. He dropped all his clothes on the floor and stepped in before the tub filled, desperate for the distraction of the cold water. He knew it would help to drown out all those childhood memories of the lab, of growing up with Hojo. Of all the times he hadn’t received a single reassuring touch though he’d cried and screamed himself hoarse for them.


	21. C/S Tipping the Scales

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud and Sephiroth take further steps in order to come to terms with what the hell they are to each other, and they do it the only way I intend to write about it: SO MUCH SMUT. Seph has a brief power-bottom moment.
> 
> This chapter contains bloodplay.
> 
> The constant disclaimer of this fic is that it is only a fantasy, it should not be read a manual and definitely not a recommendation. Because of mixed up power-dynamics I personally still consider this dubcon even if Cloud is totally into it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been lovingly betaed by the legendary [Cate Sith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CateSith).

Sephiroth had been on edge in the days since he’d asked Cloud to leave. When there was a knock on the door he practically flew from his desk to the door only to find it was the dry-cleaning again. He knew it was going to be like this. It had been whenever he’d had a disagreement with Angeal too. Not Genesis, since they were more or less in a permanent state of fighting, which had developed into its own normalcy.

There was a knock on the door that Friday evening, half a week since they’d last met. Sephiroth reminded himself to stay calm but when he opened the door, his heart skipped a beat and Cloud stepped in.

“We can do something else. I don’t have to brush your hair…” Cloud blurted as soon as he’d kicked off his shoes, more rushed and careless than he normally was.

“No... That’s not my quarrel with it.” Sephiroth said calmly and went into the kitchen to put water on for tea. Cloud hesitated before following him into the kitchen and stepping in front of Sephiroth, invading his personal space. His eyes were full of apologetic, nervous adoration. The time since their last intimate touches seemed so long ago, though it had been mere days.

“I know you have reasons that I don’t understand, I can see you struggling with… us, but I’d like you to stop pushing me away. It’s not really working, is it?” Cloud took Sephiroth’s hand and locked his gaze firmly, not wanting to miss any fleeting reaction. A reserved smile accompanied the contemplative hum that Sephiroth gave as an answer.

“Why do you keep coming back, Cloud?” Sephiroth asked while examining their joined hands.

“I told you, I care for you. You’re a good friend. I can see that plainly and I like our time together.” Cloud’s eyes shifted between light and dark as he spoke, betraying him for leaving the pleasure of their bodies out of it.

“So, not only for this, then?” Sephiroth chuckled and brushed the pad of his index finger on Cloud’s lower lip, making the blond flinch a little and pale pink spread across his cheeks.

“I come back because I want to. Isn’t that the most important thing?” Cloud said softly and kissed the finger at his lips. Their eyes met, Sephiroth’s full of doubt and reservations alongside something burning, buried much deeper. Cloud’s eyes were bright, hopeful and needy.

“Stop testing me,” Cloud urged and laced his arms around Sephiroth’s neck to pull them closer to each other. “Take me to bed,” he whispered, letting his lips brush the soft skin of Sephiroth’s neck as they moved with his words.

Sephiroth groaned softly and lifted Cloud to sit on top of the kitchen counter before reluctantly turning off the water for the tea before standing himself squared in front of Cloud.

“I’ll be the same as always, Cloud.” Sephiroth was all velvet and seduction, but his voice and his movements had an edge to them.

Sephiroth let his hands come to Cloud’s waist and slid one up along Cloud’s chest until he found the bead of one of his nipple piercings under the fabric. He grabbed it and yanked on it hard enough to make Cloud’s body jolt, his face twisted with pain and a surprised cry escaped, leaving him with eyes closed and lips slightly parted. There it was, Sephiroth thought, that innocence just begging to be wrecked. Wiped out. Destroyed. Sephiroth could hear the rush of his own blood speeding up at the sight, and forcibly pushed his thigh between Cloud’s legs. He expected Cloud to open his eyes in disappointment or distain, but instead they opened with unbridled lust.

“Within the healing capabilities of a cure then.” Cloud’s voice was raspy, gone dry with need.

“That’s… a lot, Cloud.” Sephiroth’s was full of doubt but he still pressed his thigh firmer into Cloud’s groin, delighting at the shivers he elicited.

“No broken bones, no permanent damage, no large scars.” Cloud spoke quickly and without hesitation, his cravings growing with every second.

Cloud had heard Sephiroth say those exact words weeks ago. He’d spent a lot of time contemplating what Sephiroth could possibly be hesitant about. The way they preferred to join their bodies was definitely one possibility. Though he’d never thought he’d be asking for violence, he found himself dwelling on the memories of what Sephiroth had subjected him to, and there was no denying he’d derived pleasure from it, well, most of it, anyway. His time with Sephiroth filled some need he couldn’t even admit to Zack that he had. It was enough for him to make the decision that he’d rather spend time with Sephiroth like that than not at all. After all, Sephiroth was the man he’d spent most time thinking about throughout his entire life. He ached at the thought of completely relinquishing control again, giving his body to satisfy the man that he longed to worship, now that he felt ready to do so.

“ _Large_ scars?” Sephiroth echoed, glancing at the kitchen knives on the counter, his arousal growing furiously with Cloud’s promises.

Cloud followed Sephiroth’s gaze to find the knives, and on an impulse drew one and pressed it into Sephiroth’s hand. He then pulled Sephiroth’s wrist closer and sucked on the inside of it, in a pointless attempt to still his thirst for the man in front of him. Sephiroth hissed at the implication and dropped the knife with a loud clatter.

“I trust you, but there is one more thing,” Cloud pressed between shallow breaths. “You can’t tell Zack how we have sex. You can never tell him. Promise me.” Cloud’s eyes turned crystal clear when he asked for this.It was really his only large reservation. He cared more about Zack than about himself, and he had reasons to believe that Zack would never approve of someone treating him so… ruthlessly. Just like he couldn’t bear the thought of anyone treating Zack like that. It would do them both in.

“Fine. Stay here.” Sephiroth said and walked away and returned with his sword, Masamune. He yanked the bottoms of his own old handed down Third Class uniform with heavy hands from Cloud’s lower body, along with his underwear and Cloud’s left sock. He spread Cloud’s knees open and felt a new wave of arousal wash over him, seeing tears of need decorate the corners of his mako-stained blue eyes.

“Hold still.” Sephiroth’s voice was cold, commanding, and drenched in lust. 

Sephiroth gestured for Cloud to hold his knees in place. He reverently unsheathed Masamune and placed the tip at the inside of Cloud’s left ankle. When he met Cloud’s gaze all he could see was anticipation and greed, like none he’d ever seen before. He felt himself painfully straining in his leather pants, and he enjoyed it fully, a reward in itself. He then proceeded to press the tip of his blade into Cloud’s unmarred, milky skin and cut a single, shallow, straight line up the inside of his leg, up the tender flesh of his thighs. Cloud offered the most enticing whimpers he’d ever heard in his life, but he kept still, and whatever little shivers there were Sephiroth easily accounted for.

Cloud forced himself to breathe steadily as the blade moved up his leg. Even though he’d been wounded by swords before he’d never been so aware of it. Though he felt confident that the cut would be unharmful the pain was sharp in his mind. Time seemed to slow down, making him hyperaware of every and any sensation. He noted how the pain wasn’t constant, it flared up at certain spots and could barely be felt in others. Nerves must have been severed because the sensation flared out and sent mismatched signals, making the sting from the cut seem as if it was originating from some other part of his body. Though he didn’t enjoy the pain as such, he enjoyed the intimacy of the experience. The image of Sephiroth cutting into his flesh so carefully, the trust between them, it shook him, surprised him and made him long to tie further bonds between them so much that his chest hurt more than the throbbing laceration in his leg.

When the tip of the blade nearly touched Cloud’s balls, Sephiroth removed it. He took a step back, finding the sight so overwhelming he could have released right then and there in his pants without any touch, but he held himself back, sheathing his sword and laying it carefully on the floor. Cloud’s eyes were watching him, taking in his every move, searing him with their overflowing emotions. There was something extraordinarily quiet and serene between them that they both could feel.

Sephiroth carefully stretched Cloud’s leg out to admire the cut that only had let a few drops of blood spill. He put his lips to the arch of Cloud’s left foot, letting the tip of his tongue brush against the sensitive skin, and then he trailed his lips to the ankle where the cut began. Their eyes met, and when Sephiroth’s tongue met the cut, Cloud’s breath hitched, the only movement in the room being the tears streaming down Cloud’s cheeks and Cloud’s cock twitching against his stomach where he reclined on display on the kitchen counter.

“You’re perfect.” Sephiroth murmured before turning his eyes to admire the pink edges of the cut and the dark drops of blood painting the fair skin he was holding.

Sephiroth didn’t think Cloud could be any more captivating, but Cloud’s eyes turned scaldingly bright with intensity at the praise, and Sephiroth had to look away.Sephiroth kissed and licked at the shallow wound, conveying his lust into Cloud with his tongue and saliva. He kept his grip on Cloud’s leg firm and comforting, a band-aid to Cloud’s every twitch and whimper. Sephiroth found a spot mid-thigh where the cut was marginally deeper and pressed down on the sides of it, letting a fresh drop spill and join an older one. He ardently licked them up, creating a smeared-out stain to the music of Cloud’s moaning.

The sight of Cloud’s glistening, overflowing cock made Sephiroth stand up to let his lips meet Cloud’s. Cloud parted for him easily, licked and claimed the flavour of his own blood from Sephiroth’s tongue. Sephiroth thought he should find Cloud’s transparent neediness amusing, but he couldn’t. It took him a moment to recognize the willingness with which he was kissed, and the meaning was heavier still, considering he’d just taken his sword to the man. Sephiroth could feel hope flare up in his chest, the hope that he’d worked so hard to stifle, the hope to be accepted, to belong, to find some happiness and solace in the jewelled cage that was his life. The hope he knew he could never afford to lose if it permanently settled in.

“Take me to the bed,” Cloud spoke into the kiss and bit down on Sephiroth’s tongue, wanting to make it salivate, yearning to have something of Sephiroth’s to drink down.

Sephiroth broke the kiss and looked at Cloud with eyes narrowed in contemplation. Then he bent himself down over Cloud’s leaking cock instead, taking it in his hand to pry it away from Cloud’s stomach, before starting to kiss away all the glistening pre-cum. Cloud’s chest was heaving with stuttering breaths, his eyes glued to his own cock disappearing and reappearing in arguably the most coveted mouth on the planet. Cloud’s hands moved aimlessly and he knocked over a container with a clatter. His back felt uncomfortable on the hard kitchen counter, his was arm in an awkward strain to avoid the stove top. All of this might have been a blessing in disguise because surely, he would have come immediately with Sephiroth swallowing him so easily.

“Bedroom… bed please…” Cloud managed when he knocked over another container, spilling its contents all over the counter and floor. Sephiroth stopped at the white noise of spilling and rolling grain, easily pulled Cloud onto his waist, picked up his sword from the floor and took long strides towards the bedroom. Cloud clung to him tightly, gasping against his neck when the cut was teased against the friction of leather trousers. The bed gave a satisfying sound catching Cloud who’d been tossed on it, sword landing next to him.

“Undress.” Sephiroth said as he went to get lube from the bedside table. Cloud’s eyes were glowing intensely as he undid the buckles of his protective plates, dropped them on the floor with a clatter, and let his top join them. Sephiroth settled between Cloud’s legs and spread them apart again, running his fingers along the reddening ridges of the long, beautiful cut that added such an exquisite touch of imbalance to the otherwise flawless skin.

“Would you like me to heal it now or later?” Sephiroth asked while he slowly tugged at Cloud’s right sock, the final piece of clothing on him.

“I don’t mind as long as it won’t scar…” Cloud smiled and pressed himself back into the soft, too comfortable sheets and hooked his newly naked foot carefully behind Sephiroth’s neck and pulled the otherworldly beauty down for a kiss.

Sephiroth hid his mild surprise and could do nothing but oblige Cloud’s gesture. He let his desire slowly saturate their mouths until Cloud was whimpering and shivering underneath him, clawing his back and pushing his hips up for more. He left Cloud looking dishevelled on the mattress, found the lube, slicked his fingers and pushed one into Cloud’s tight little entrance.

“You don’t use this while Zackary is gone?” Sephiroth couldn’t help himself from wanting to deepen the pink tint flowering all over Cloud. Cloud pressed his lips into a thin line and cocked his head, colour flushing his neck and chest.

“Bad manners… mmmh…” Cloud tried to talk back, but his thoughts were interrupted by the added pressure and stretch of another finger.

Cloud knew he was being stretched a little too quickly, but his head was flooded with endorphins from the cut which filtered out any pain. Instead he was left with feeling everything else so much more, and he couldn’t help to move against the soft sheets and fluffy blanket, pushing himself down over Sephiroth’s long, slender fingers. It felt as if his body was floating weightlessly and everything except the fingers inside him was soft and comforting. In his mind, his body became an extension of all that softness, and he in turn enveloped Sephiroth.

Sephiroth could clearly see Cloud’s awareness slip away, and it was beautiful to watch. He felt a sting of deep envy that Cloud could let himself go so wholeheartedly, knowing that he himself could never. He didn’t dwell upon it, and simply let the observation drift away, joining all the other thoughts of things he could never have. Instead he focused on Cloud’s pleasure. He wanted Cloud as prepared as possible for what he had in mind. It didn’t matter what Cloud told him, he knew Cloud would stop returning if he was pushed too far, and now that Cloud was back, Sephiroth wanted him to stay.

He kneaded the muscles of Cloud’s thighs with his free hand, and then moved to his backside. He pushed firm circles around Cloud’s opening with his thumb, gently nipped the rim and slowly moved his fingers apart inside Cloud, enjoying every melodic hum and moan that Cloud offered. Sephiroth lowered his head to work his mouth over Cloud’s erection and as soon as they touched, Cloud’s hips lifted from the mattress, letting up beautiful, half-choked cries. Deeming Cloud too sensitive for lips, tongue or throat, he instead let his teeth scrape carefully over Cloud’s cock until Cloud’s entire body was humming and trembling, never far from the edge of release.

Sephiroth carefully sat up again before adding a third finger, pleased to find Cloud stretching nicely. Cloud was pulling at the blanket, his legs straining against the mattress and his breaths were deep, ragged, and quick. Sephiroth let his fingers curl and push into Cloud’s inner walls while kissing softly at the cut, now clearly outlined by reddened edges. When Sephiroth gave a harder little nip and lick into the wound Cloud’s broke into delirious laughter, and Sephiroth could feel an increasing amount of adoration joining the fervour and lust that was heating his blood.

Sephiroth added a fourth finger, carefully letting the fingertips of his free hand glide up and down Cloud’s pulsating erection. It had taken on a dark red shade, matching the cut on his leg, and looking almost painfully strained. Cloud was sobbing and giggling at the same time, his eyes squeezed shut and tears streaming down his face. Sephiroth spread his fingers and hummed over Cloud’s softness, and then withdrew his fingers, leaving Cloud to whimper in dissatisfaction. Cloud felt something slick, cold and full of angles against the soft flesh of his inner thighs, jerking him from his state of rapture.

“Is that really what I think it is?” Cloud asked, feeling like he was nothing but his breaths.

“Yes. Will you let me bring the memory of you into every battle?” Sephiroth’s voice was low and humming, melodic and ringing, too lovely for the crude implications of his request. Cloud squirmed impatiently and surged with the feeling of being flattered, wanted, knowing that Sephiroth wanted to remember him in the battlefield, on his sword… He knew it shouldn’t, but it turned him on to no end. Even as he felt himself fall into the abyss of debauchery, he saw an opportunity.

“I’ll take your sword if you let me wash your hair.” Cloud nearly regretted having said it, remembering that the same request had gotten him thrown out previously.

Sephiroth scoffed indignantly and bent down to maul the cut open with his teeth and tongue at its highest point. It was punishment as well as tacit acceptance of Cloud’s condition. Cloud tensed up like a bowstring in a silent scream. When Sephiroth tugged at the flesh with his teeth before letting it go, he harshly returned two fingers into the warm wetness of Cloud’s body to stretch him for the hilt of Masamune.

The hilt wasn’t exceptionally large, there were plenty of toys made larger, but its oval finish wasn’t overly bevelled, and the wrappings would cause a lot of friction no matter how much lube was applied to it. Still, Sephiroth hadn’t been able to let the thought go. He’d been thinking a lot about battles lately, having struggled so much with himself over Cloud. It had been much harder than anything he ever encountered in a battlefield. He’d considered solving the problem by ending Cloud with his sword as a last resort, trying to imagine it in his mind, where he’d like the blade to sink in, where it would be most lovely, but he couldn’t conjure a clear image of it. In fact, the more he tried, the harder it became, which was truly out of the ordinary. At some point his mind had strayed to other… configurations of Cloud and Masamune, and those images had certainly taken on a life of their own, so here they were.

Sephiroth folded Cloud’s legs to his chest and instructed Cloud to hold them. He carefully stretched his fingers apart before laying the bottom of the oval shape against one side of Cloud’s walls, and pulling on the other side with his fingers, easing the hilt in at an angle. He felt himself surge at the sight of the golden metal against Cloud’s pinkish entrance, and a part of him wanted to shove the hilt in violently, but of course he didn’t. He looked up at Cloud expecting to see discomfort reflected, but instead Cloud had shut his eyes and his mouth in a soft 'o’ that decorated a soft expression of focus and curiosity. It made Sephiroth’s chest tighten in a way that he wasn’t used to, nor was he expecting.

“Are you actually enjoying this?” Sephiroth asked with fascination and applied steady pressure to slide the hilt of his sword further into Cloud.

“I don’t know… it feels weird. Sharp, hard and… rough at the same time. But I enjoy you…” Cloud spoke in an uneven rhythm and instinctively reached his hand for some part of Sephiroth, but he was too far away and Cloud didn’t dare shift.

Sephiroth hummed and bent down to kiss the palm of Cloud’s hand but didn’t relent on sliding his sword further in. Cloud cupped Sephiroth’s face and to his surprise, Sephiroth seemed to be leaning into his touch. That, more than anything else, sent luminous flutters through his nerves which pushed all of his reservations far back in his mind. It also helped that Sephiroth moved to take Cloud into his mouth again, making Cloud swear under laboured breaths. Sephiroth easily distracted Cloud until the hilt was two thirds buried, and when it was, he sat back to admire the view.

A part of Sephiroth wanted to move the hilt forcefully to force Cloud’s flesh open, to force it to yield. He wanted to pull it out, hearing Cloud’s scream as he would tear from it. He wanted to hammer it into Cloud’s prostate, to pummel all of the insides, turning them into nothing but a thick red porridge to dye the world with… but he also wanted to keep Cloud. Keep him safe and happy, so that they could go on enjoying each other. And just like that, the moment was already complete. He took time for a few quiet breaths and for caressing the shivering body that had been so exquisitely offered to him.

Sephiroth carefully started pulling and pushing at his sword again, delighting in the way every braid of the wrapping that came out made Cloud twitch. He could see how Cloud’s body was fighting to keep the foreign body inside still, clasping down desperately around the hilt. It was so much more thrilling in reality that it had been in his imagination. On an impulse, he firmly pressed Cloud’s legs back to make his ass lift higher before bending down and licking at the rim that seemed impossibly accessible while it strained to hold the sword inside. Cloud’s every exhale became a stream of disjoined swearing, panting Sephiroth’s name, and pleading for… something. It only granted him Sephiroth’s teeth sinking heavily into his skin. Eventually Cloud’s body went completely limp from exhaustion, and all he could do was keep breathing. 

“Had enough, my little soldier slut?” Sephiroth asked with a trace of amusement in his voice, though he was already working the hilt out of Cloud.

Cloud could only manage a hoarse hum in response. When hilt finally slipped out Sephiroth carefully placed it beside them and let the pad of his index finger softly play with Cloud’s momentarily gaping and twitching hole.

“Even your ass seems spent, Cloud.” Sephiroth chuckled and pinched Cloud’s rim between his index finger and thumb. “You’re so soft and wet. So beautifully stretched out…” Sephiroth couldn’t resist sliding two fingers into Cloud, feeling the doughy openness. He found it disturbingly seductive. Cloud tried to produce an unapproving groan, but it came out bearing no conviction.

“So, my little soldier, what would you like now?” Sephiroth purred.

“You’re asking me what I want?” Cloud spoke slowly in order to not slur his words.

“I am.” Sephiroth found himself deeply satisfied, and he couldn’t help but wish the same feeling for Cloud. He hadn’t meant to keep going long enough to make Cloud completely spent, and he wanted to see Cloud get off after seeing him so close so many times. He wanted to see that sweet freckled face come apart in pleasure, wanted to hear those broken moans, wanted to hear his name spill from Cloud’s lips. He caressed one last time along the beautiful red cut on Cloud’s inner thigh and cast a cure that made the room look as if it was full of mythical fireflies flying in the last rays of the sunshine before the green sparks faded.

“Oh! Then undress and come and kiss me please.” Cloud gave a shy smile, his eyes twinkling as all his soreness became replaced by a pleasurable tingling.

“So simple...” Sephiroth scoffed, but stood up next to the bed and started to unfasten his clothing.

“You asked, so don’t deny me.” Cloud was calm, fearless and his eyes turned darker when he watched Sephiroth’s top drop to the floor.

“As you wish, slut,” Sephiroth said, standing closer to Cloud’s face while he undid his pants, way slower than he could have.

“You know that doesn’t really get to me, right?” Cloud grinned and swallowed at the sight.

“I noticed, yes. And why is that?” Sephiroth hooked his thumbs into his pants and bent over while pushing them down, keeping his face an inch from Cloud’s to speak to him close.

“I guess I just agree, that’s all. It doesn’t bother me that I take pleasure from sex. Do you think it should?” Cloud’s voice was nearly a whisper, and he had to make a huge effort to remember what he was saying.

“I suppose not. Ah, you might have ruined it for me. Whatever shall I call you now?” Sephiroth put on a dry, sarcastic, concerned look as he stepped out of his pants and unceremoniously shoved his underwear down to follow.

Cloud grinned and shrugged while letting his eyes rake in the naked vision before him.

“If you go back to pet, I will expect you to coddle me like one. Thoroughly.” Cloud put his hands on Sephiroth’s hips and tugged him down into the bed.

“Well, that won’t do then.” Before the sentence was finished, Sephiroth’s lips were on Cloud’s and then the two fell into a deep, passionate kiss that seemed to contradict Sephiroth’s statement completely. Cloud snuck his hand down between them to stroke them together. His touch was unhurried and lazy. For a while the way their bodies met felt calm and intimate. Cloud thought it felt familiar, almost like with Zack… Cloud barely managed to not freeze up when suddenly the image of Zack’s warm, sunny smile filled his head. The threat of panic was immediate and made his heart skip several beats.

“Touch me, I want to come like this.” Cloud spoke against Sephiroth’s lips, hoping that his need for distraction wasn’t too obvious. It seemed like it wasn’t, because Sephiroth’s hand wrapped firmly around their cocks and continued to do as Cloud had done. Cloud instead wrapped his arms around Sephiroth and forced himself to focus on feeling the old scars on Sephiroth’s back and the long silver tresses of his hair. Cloud nuzzled his face into Sephiroth’s neck and took deep breaths to breathe in that sweet, heavy, flowery scent of perfume that was nothing like Zack. It helped. The panic subsided, and Cloud could feel himself quickly rushing toward the point of release as soon as he found himself back in the moment with Sephiroth. The moment he’d longed for. The painless closeness. Cloud leaned back and opened his eyes. He was met with glowing green eyes set in a soft, cautious expression. Sephiroth seemed nowhere near as lost in his body as Cloud felt he was.

“Will you come with me?” Cloud caught Sephiroth’s face in his hands and pressed soft, appeasing kisses over Sephiroth’s cheeks, the corners of his mouth, his eyebrows and the soft, moist, slightly cool eyelids.

A quiet hum of affirmation accompanied Sephiroth’s intensified stroking that immediately had Cloud gasping and tensing up. Cloud’s arms flung around Sephiroth’s neck and he pulled them into another kiss. The ease of it all, of not being fought to get his pleasure, was what made Cloud spill into Sephiroth’s hand in calm but powerful waves. Sephiroth joined him with a soft hum and shivers of his own. Their kiss turned tender until it petered out, leaving the two breathing together and holding one another through the unfamiliar vulnerability that had undeniably opened up between them.

Though it was hardly the most splendid orgasm of his life, Cloud felt like his chest had cracked open and was now fiercely bleeding warm, glowing tenderness between them. He tried to still it by pressing harder into Sephiroth, like trying to press down on an open wound, but it only made it worse. He could feel himself shivering uncontrollably and tears started streaming down his cheeks. Desperation for… more… took over him completely. For a moment he thought he might scream, but breathing was quickly becoming too painful.

“It’s not enough.” Cloud managed to sob into Sephiroth’s neck. Sephiroth gently pushed Cloud away from his neck in an effort to make sense of what was happening. To his surprise, Cloud seemed more dishevelled than ever, but he couldn’t for the world understand why.

“Is something wrong?” Sephiroth couldn’t find any more eloquent words to help him understand what was happening.

“I… I… Shit.” Cloud blinked furiously at his tears to catch a glimpse of Sephiroth, and when he saw the soft, concerned look, he thought he would implode. Cloud turned around and pressed his back against Sephiroth. He reached back and found Sephiroth’s cock ever so gloriously hard, offered two words of heartfelt prayer (“thank fuck”) in his mind for enhancements and placed Sephiroth’s tip against his entrance.

“Please… gods please Sephiroth…” Cloud pleaded like someone drowning.

Sephiroth pulled Cloud into a pleasantly crushing embrace and waited a perfect moment before he drove himself into Cloud with a shattering thrust. Cloud let out a full-bodied cry and pressed Sephiroth’s arms harder into himself. Then he made them roll over so that he was on his stomach and could feel the weight of Sephiroth push him into the mattress. Cloud spread his legs and arched his back in preparation. His every intake of air seemed to fuel some fire inside him, and it was excruciating.

“Fuck me. Fill me up. Please…” Cloud urged desperately.

Sephiroth pulled out to his tip and stayed there. He loosened his arms from Cloud and put his hands on the mattress instead, creating space between them, making Cloud sob into the mattress from it. When Cloud turned his head, presumably to beg for more, he rammed himself back into the heated, unresisting flesh, drawing another broken cry from the shivering blond.

Sephiroth repeated this, taking immense pleasure at the increasingly raw cries and half-screams from Cloud. He could see Cloud so clearly naked, vulnerable and wanting, so bared before him, and it had a terrifying, contagious effect. It made him want to give Cloud everything. Anything. Luckily, at that moment it wasn’t anything contradictory, and because Sephiroth was still himself, he felt no need to give it easily. He held the strength of his thrusting back enough for Cloud to moan, whine, and even raise his voice for more, faster, harder. All of it only made Cloud all the more lovely to keep in torment.

Finally Cloud snapped and got himself to shakily crawl forward to make Sephiroth slip out. He turned around and heavily pushed himself on Sephiroth until he was sitting on top and bent down for a violent kiss. Then he flung them off the edge of the bed and onto the floor, knocking himself short of breath when he landed on his back with Sephiroth on top.

“Harder.” Cloud’s eyes were dark and ravenous, his voice drained of all pleas and all patience and he pulled hard on fists full of silver for another violent kiss. It was bruising, and Sephiroth’s eyes quickly shifted from amused to glaring when the scales of his will tipped. His need to ravage Cloud had him biting at Cloud’s lips but before he had a chance to shove his tongue down Cloud’s throat, a sharp sting and the taste of blood filled his mouth. He tore away and absentmindedly touched the deep crack in his lip while Cloud licked his lips and held him with searing eyes before he turned and laid himself on his front on the floor and spread his legs again. 

Sephiroth put three of his fingers to his mouth, wetting them hastily before he shoved them into Cloud and leaned forward to speak in Cloud’s ear. “Is this what you wanted?”

“No!” Cloud gasped and wailed, trying to writhe the fingers out of him, but Sephiroth pushed him down easily with a hand on the small of his back.

“I’ll fuck you to completion just like this.” Sephiroth moved his fingers with furious intent into Cloud’s swollen prostate.

“No! Please…” Cloud broke into pretty, desperate, pleading sobs that sent jolts of arousal through Sephiroth, making his cock twitch and leak.

Sephiroth pulled the fingers out slowly and held them in front of Cloud. He didn’t need to instruct him to get him to lick and suck them in fervour. Content with this, Sephiroth lowered himself down over Cloud and entered him again. He settled into a gentle rhythm that he knew would be nothing but agonizing. Cloud stopped his licking but when things stayed the same, he turned Sephiroth’s hand in his and bit down on the root of the thumb as hard as he dared. Sephiroth let up a deep growl before clasping his hand over Cloud’s mouth and started to fuck himself brutally into Cloud. He saw Cloud clawing at the floor, and then he felt every muscle going rigid under him, but he was beyond letting up now.

Cloud felt like all the pleasure had been trapped inside him. It was being sloshed around, stirred and whipped as he was crushed between the floor and his beloved deity of sex. He tried to hold on to the ecstasy of the that thought, but it slipped when his release wiped his mind clean of everything but the distant rhythm of Sephiroth’s thrusts and his own spasms. When the hand was removed from his mouth he was still enraptured in aftershocks. He gasped for breath and found himself just as wound up as moments ago.

Sephiroth made his movements slow and he lowered himself down over Cloud to stroke blond spikes and kiss damp skin. “Had enough?” he purred seductively and let his lips touch the shell of Cloud’s ear.

“No.” Cloud found silver hair and gave a playful tug and chuckled weakly at himself.

Sephiroth gave a soft, amused hum and pressed a kiss into the golden spikes before he picked up the pace again. He continued to bring Cloud countless orgasms, always moving between tender and bruising, always making Cloud beg for it, always attentive not to push him too hard. Eventually Sephiroth found himself astounded when Cloud continued to ask for more. Even after Cloud’s body had gone soft and boneless, he never went quiet, and the bliss on his face only left when he was teased and always returned even more blissful. 

Sephiroth also found himself enjoying this endless game more than he knew was possible, and though he had a good inkling as to why, he carefully put the thought aside for later. Instead he let himself get swept up in Cloud’s endless warmth that seemed to wrap around them as if they had a small world all to themselves.

When Cloud was lying on his back, on top of Sephiroth, who was thrusting lazily into him and stroking the damp blond spikes out of his face, Cloud admitted to himself that he was beat. He had gone long past sore, and the oversensitivity refused to ebb out. He wasn’t even sure his muscles could protest any more: they were all stinging as if being pricked by needles.

“Hey… I… I can’t anymore.” Cloud slid to the side and turned his face to Sephiroth’s with a sated, fucked-out smile.

Cloud received a small peck and was gently manoeuvred to lie on the floor next to Sephiroth. They laid there a moment looking at each other equally lost and bared, before Cloud pulled at Sephiroth with shivering hands to straddle his waist. Cloud let both his hands lace their fingers together around Sephiroth’s erection and squeezed.

“Cover me.” Cloud whispered with a smile and the faint glint of desire still lingering in them.

“Where do you get your energy from?" Sephiroth murmured and dragged his fingers through Cloud’s thickly cum-stained chest.

“Shouldn’t you know?” Cloud’s smile turned mischievous as he started moving his trembling hands.

Sephiroth hummed pensively and leaned down for a lingering kiss. He gently nudged Cloud’s hands away and started stroking himself, and Cloud’s smile grew wider with gratefulness. Instead, Cloud’s hands idly roamed over Sephiroth’s body, his thighs, his stomach, his chest. They stayed on his waist and played with the silver hair Cloud seemed to adore so frightfully much. The touches were generous and warm, and Sephiroth didn’t feel the need to ignore them or recoil from them. Instead he found himself leaning into them, able to enjoy them effortlessly.

Cloud let his eyes rest upon the beauty before him, drinking it in. He watched the graceful cadence of Sephiroth’s movements, something about it seemed so private, and that demanded his full attention. He noticed how Sephiroth seemed unusually responsive to his touches, and that of course, wanted to make him touch even more. He let his fingernails scrape the skin of Sephiroth’s balls and his hands cupped Sephiroth’s ass which was kindly lifted slightly for him. When he tried to knead it, the muscles seemed completely unyielding, like trying to knead the ass of a stone statue, but when Sephiroth’s heavy gaze landed on him, it was glazed over with pleasure all the same. Cloud was so affected from the sight he thought the floor was swaying under him. He bit his lip when he moved one of his hands to his own chest, scooping up a generous amount of cum and then it was sliding down the middle of Sephiroth’s ass.

“Can I?” Cloud asked quietly, knowing he’d ventured out on thin ice again when he pressed the pad of his middle finger softly to Sephiroth’s entrance.

“At your own risk, soldier.” Sephiroth’s long eyelashes fluttered heavily and there was a momentary smile playing on his lips.

“Your cure had better be mastered.” Cloud bit his lip harder not to say anything more or laugh out loud. Sephiroth gave a small scoff at the joke but the trace of a smile lingered in his face even as his eyes closed. Cloud pressed around the entrance a little, trying to get a feel for how tense it was, but it was hard with Sephiroth’s level of enhancement.

“Rim of steel and what not… you’ll just have to go for it, if that’s what you want, Cloud.” Sephiroth said with a little laughter.

Cloud’s eyes grew wide and then he laughed too. The conversation was unbelievable. How could Sephiroth suddenly say that and then just laugh!? It was cute. Entirely charming, and so very human. If Cloud had any doubts about his own feelings, they disappeared there and then. He was completely done in.

Inhaling deeply, Cloud placed his left hand on Sephiroth’s thigh, definitely more to steady himself than anything else, and then he pressed the middle finger of his right hand into Sephiroth’s body. As soon as it slipped in, they found themselves looking intensely at each other, and when it was clear Cloud wasn’t screaming with a crushed finger, Cloud laughed and Sephiroth smiled and hummed softly, shifting his hips a little.

Cloud found that it took more effort than he was expecting to move his finger, but other than that it seemed fine. When he pressed at the silky walls the little sigh that escaped Sephiroth made it seem like the best idea he’d ever had in his life. He quickly started to stroke Sephiroth’s insides with every trick he knew, rewarded with Sephiroth picking up the pace of his own stroking. Cloud let his left hand wander to Sephiroth’s lower abdomen and felt the deep muscles pulling.

“Say my name when you come.” Cloud said with a grin and when Sephiroth opened his eyes to glare he pushed hard into Sephiroth’s prostate, producing another, hoarser gasp. Sephiroth folded himself forward until his face was next to Cloud’s.

“Harder.” he said in an impossibly seductive voice right next to Cloud’s ear.

Cloud groaned softly at the request, too excited to be embarrassed of himself, and then he charged Sephiroth’s prostate with all that he had. It made Sephiroth hum and moan right into his ear and it was… otherworldly. No human had a right to be that tempting. All the deprived things they’d ever done were pulled from Cloud’s memories and he instantly wanted to do them all again, as well as all the things they hadn’t done yet.

Sephiroth lifted his head so that he could face Cloud. He waited until Cloud opened his eyes to bite down on the crack in his lip to make it bleed heavy, round drops that fell perfectly on Cloud’s lips. When Cloud realized they parted even more in surprise. Sephiroth’s eyes were steeped in lust when he bent down to invade Cloud’s mouth with his tongue, pushing his blood inside to let them taste it, and then it was Cloud who was suddenly moaning again.

“I thought I was done on the receiving end!” Cloud groaned into the kiss. Sephiroth leaned back and watched Cloud with smouldering eyes. He reached out to Cloud’s lower lip to press his mouth open with his thumb.

“I’m going to come now, so listen closely.”

Cloud felt the floor shift below him again when Sephiroth moved forward to lower his pulsating cock slowly into his mouth. Cloud felt the rich tastes mingle on his tongue, the taste of Sephiroth’s blood, of himself, of Sephiroth’s and his own arousal. The flavours desecrated him as they slid down his throat, to the very back of it where they stayed to smother him with pleasure. When he tried to move his hands, he was reminded of what he’d been doing, and he defiantly tightened up his throat and curled his finger against Sephiroth’s prostate again, earning a low groan that he felt as much as heard. Sephiroth started to pull out and sat back lightly on Cloud’s chest. He gripped himself firmly and with two more strokes he let his head drop closer to burn Cloud’s face into his retinas as he carefully worded Cloud’s name and spilled thick, white streams all over Cloud’s face, into his mouth, neck, chest and hair. 

Cloud closed his eyes, shuddering hard at the sound of his name, and the look on Sephiroth’s face as he said it. Then he took note of the force that he felt around his finger, and he hurried more than he would have wanted to pull it out. He swallowed the contents of his mouth and let his hands rest heavy on Sephiroth’s waist. When he felt Sephiroth shifting down and leaning forward he wasn’t surprised to find himself in a slobbering kiss, or when Sephiroth was licking the sperm off his face. He’d long since realized the man had an affinity for body fluids, and though he had to resist the impulse to wince, it made him smile. When Cloud could open his eyes again Sephiroth was still staring at him, seeming to weigh some thoughts. To his surprise, Sephiroth had reached back and closed his hand over Cloud’s cock again.

“Can you go again?” Sephiroth asked in that unreserved, soft voice.

Cloud nodded in slight confusion, and no sooner was he mercilessly stroked until he had his eyes squeezed shut, perceiving himself only as a shivering collection of whimpers.

“Are you close?” Sephiroth asked him with hidden intent.

“Of course I am!” Cloud said under his breath. Sephiroth collected some of the thick white fluid and spread it over Cloud’s cock, making Cloud acutely alert.

“Hold yourself.” Sephiroth said before he bent down for another kiss.

Cloud had half a mind to protest or ask questions, but as it was, he couldn’t. He noticed Sephiroth’s hands were elsewhere and when Sephiroth sat back up they were hidden behind his back. The penny dropped when Sephiroth shifted back and aligned himself above Cloud. The hand Cloud had around his own cock collided with Sephiroth's and when he turned it to feel, he found Sephiroth was spreading himself open. Cloud’s jaw dropped with surprise.

“You might not realise, but I haven’t had a mind to do this since for more than a decade, so you’d better enjoy it.” Sephiroth offered in brash explanation. Cloud sharpened his focus, and then he felt the peculiar sensation of being enveloped by four fingers against his erection, and then they were slipped out and all the warmth and tightness closed around him. Before he could process, he was pulled up into an embrace and Sephiroth was carefully riding him, causing inconceivable tugs and squeezes around him. 

Sephiroth’s hands gently took Cloud’s face before he said, “Your turn.” and kissed him.

Cloud felt like his very soul was stolen from him when he poured himself into his living god. His affection surged violently through him, and he bit into Sephiroth’s shoulder to keep himself from saying things he’d regret later. When he was fairly sure he wouldn’t scream, cry or talk, he let go and rested his head in the crook of Sephiroth’s neck, waiting for his breaths to return to normal while enjoying Sephiroth’s breath stirring his hair.

They stayed like that for a long time, accompanying each other with small caresses of fingers, and sometimes large ones that pushed their bodies firmly against each other. Sephiroth was the one who broke the silence. The vulnerability was getting to be too much, too obvious.

“Bathe or sleep first, soldier?” Sephiroth purred.

“Will it be awkward in the morning?” Cloud asked in a raspy voice.

“Perhaps. I don’t know. Why?”

“I guess I’m worried that I’ll do something to upset you and that you’ll push me away again.” Cloud just about managed to not let his fear seize his voice completely while he voiced his worries.

“I don’t make promises, but it seems unlikely.” Sephiroth sounded pensive and sincere.

Sephiroth raised himself to his feet in a more graceful movement than anyone who had just slipped themselves off of a softened cock had a right to, and then extended a hand to Cloud. Cloud took it but crawled right into the bed.

“Sleep now, bath tomorrow. I totally consider it a promise that I get to wash your hair.” Cloud mumbled and pulled Sephiroth down into the bed.

Sephiroth hummed while they arranged their pillows and pulled the blankets over them. Cloud quickly felt like a stranger on the bed that he had only slept in two times before, and both times he had more or less passed out in it and woken up alone. Now it seemed… normal. Awkward maybe, but in a normal way. The worst of his insecurities dissipated when Sephiroth reached for him, and he gladly laid his head on Sephiroth’s chest.

When Cloud laid there, he could feel the warmth gushing out of him again, and it made him want to do something, to talk. An endless stream of admiration, praise, and clumsy declarations of love threatened to escape, but he carefully kept his mouth closed. His thoughts made him tense though, so he decided to say something after all. He stirred to lean against his elbow.

“Thank you for looking after me so well. Thank you for all your kindness. I…” Cloud had to pause under Sephiroth’s calculating scrutiny.

“It means a lot to me. Really. You mean a lot to me.” Cloud had to avert his gaze for the last sentence, and he could feel heat spreading on his face again.

Sephiroth hummed thoughtfully and then just said “Goodnight, Cloud.”

Though Cloud hadn’t expected more in response, a part of him certainly wanted it. He reminded himself that this was only the first time they’d met as something that resembled equals, and that was already more than he could have dreamed of. He turned his attention to the slow beats in the chest he laid on, to the slow rise and fall of it, to the heavy arms that rested on him. As soon as his tension eased up a little the tiredness settled in and dragged his bones into a deep, exhausted sleep.

Sephiroth, on the other hand, stayed awake. He forced his thoughts to slow, they were circling around his new weakness and how to handle it. He carefully tried to anticipate every situation where his fondness for Cloud could become an issue, and he tried to come up with strategies to overcome them. Now and then he would look down on the crusty golden spikes as a reward, as a reminder of what he had to gain by preparing himself to handle the issue. After running countless scenarios with countless different fallouts, he finally closed his eyes to get a few hours of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cloud and Seph refused to stop once they got going and I feel like I have limited influence of what they get up to. I just choose what words to use to describe it all, so it turned out rather long.


	22. C/S/Z Growing pains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud has a nice little morning bath with Seph, and then later he makes that phone-call to Zack to have that serious talk about feelings... and then he freaks out.
> 
> No smut!!!! O_O
> 
> Cloud does some round-about self harm. Be warned soft hearts. Here be angst. ;_;

When Cloud woke up, he wasn’t alone in the bed. He found himself comfortably wrapped around Sephiroth which immediately made him stir in self-awareness. When he noticed he was lying on top of the thick silver cascade of hair he stirred quite frantically, which naturally made his partner turn towards him.

“It won’t attack you, you know.” Sephiroth said with brazen amusement.

Cloud buried his reddening face into the pillow and groaned at the plentiful impressions he had to deal with while still only barely awake.

“Have you been awake for long?” Cloud’s spoke into the pillow, feeling embarrassed for being embarrassed.

“Yes.” Sephiroth said plainly.

“Well, you should have woken me up then!” Cloud thought it was quite comfortable having a conversation with Sephiroth like this. Maybe it could become their thing?

“Nonsense! Why would I do that?” 

“Weren’t you bored?” 

“No. However, this conversation is without a doubt boring me. Let’s instead discuss how we are both encrusted in dried sperm.” Sephiroth ventured into mockery again, and his hands found a crispy spike on Cloud’s hair and made it crunch.

Cloud groaned again but turned his head to meet Sephiroth’s. When he saw the relaxed, amused expression he felt his tension melt away, and he set to carefully brush Sephiroth’s hair behind his shoulders before he let his arms coil around the exposed neck, pressing himself close again with a happy sigh.

“I seem to remember something about washing my hair?” Sephiroth with unmistakable warmth when Cloud nuzzled his face into the pale neck.

“Yeah?!” Cloud inwardly scolded himself for sounding so hopelessly enthusiastic at such a mundane thing, but to be fair, he still wasn’t quite awake.

Instead of more conversation Sephiroth scooped Cloud into his arms and easily stood up from the bed.

“It’s too early to be carried bridal-style!” Cloud laughed and tried to pry himself out of Sephiroth’s grip.

Sephiroth hummed his pensive hum and easily sent Cloud up in the air and caught him softly over his shoulder instead, legs forward.

“Better?” Sephiroth asked and smacked one palm audibly on Cloud’s ass and let the other sneak between Cloud’s thighs to hold him steady way more suggestively than necessary.

“This is so unfair…” Cloud groaned, clearly distracted.

“When you’re enhanced enough you may try tossing me around too.” Sephiroth said while he made the short way to the large bathroom and let Cloud smoothly slide out of his grip.

They stepped into the large tub and they rinsed and scrubbed each other down before the bathtub was filled. Cloud tried his best not to be too clingy but wasn’t sure he managed very well. Everything seemed too good to be true and he found himself frequently carried away by his wishes for the two of them. It made his touches loaded with his hopes for their future, as if would become real if he just touched enough. Sephiroth was more reserved, while not unkind or rushed, he seemed inclined to treat their getting clean as a chore.

He gestured for Cloud to sit on the ledge of the tub while he sat himself on the bottom. He pointed at the correct bottles, a wide toothed comb, a large ladle and the showerhead on the bar behind Cloud.

“Go ahead.” Sephiroth’s voice had gone back to its neutral tone, which Cloud had come to understand as… somewhat concealing.

“Hey, is this okay? If it’s not something you’re comfortable with then obviously I don’t want to do it.” Cloud put on his most sincere and reassuring tone.

“It’s fine.”

“Something about this is obviously difficult for you. Won’t you tell me why?” Cloud placed his hands on Sephiroth’s shoulders and let them slide up and down his arms.

“I don’t much care for talking about it.”

“Listen Sephiroth, you threw me out quite cruelly over this, and you yelled at me to leave when I brushed your hair. I don’t mean to seem fickle, but I don’t think I want to do this now if I don’t understand why you did that then, because I don’t want that to happen again. I hope that makes sense.” Cloud chose his words carefully, leaned down and hooked his chin on Sephiroth’s shoulder and hugged him from behind.

“Mmmh, let me think a moment.” Sephiroth pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, deep in thoughts.

Cloud sat up to watch the person in front of him. He looked absolutely nothing like what Cloud was used to. He seemed tense insecure, and a lot younger than he did. Almost as if he was afraid. Cloud felt a stab of guilt for not having considered that Sephiroth could feel like that. Cloud felt like an idiot through and through. He busied himself with pouring hot water from the ladle over Sephiroth’s shoulders and giving small one handed strokes.

“I grew up in the labs here. There were many experiments and very little…” Sephiroth’s voice had that tinge of weariness again, and however subtle, it painfully made Cloud’s chest contract.

“You’ve met Hojo. I suppose you wouldn’t assume he’s very good with children?” Sephiroth went on.

Cloud could feel his stomach turn with concern, but he patiently waited for more to come, but Sephiroth remained quiet.

“Hojo is awful, and I can’t even imagine him around a child. I’m still not sure how that relates to your hair.” Cloud carefully hid his upset from his voice, making it only soft and meaningless. This wasn’t about him after all.

“Well, I wasn’t allowed to have any hair at first. I hated having it shaved… Then when I was a few years past ten I…” Sephiroth paused again but soon continued, “There was an argument about it after which they stopped fighting me on the issue.”

Cloud hurried to arrange his face into an easy friendly smile when Sephiroth turned his head to glance at him, but as soon as he turned back his face warped in concern.

“My hair was never part of the experiments. It was simply mine.”

Cloud could feel the heaviness of Sephiroth’s words between them. They seemed to sink to the floor of the tub and continue to plummet, tearing open an endless abyss of horror. Cloud thought about the ease that Sephiroth always conducted himself with, even when naked. The way he was unbothered by bodily fluids… The man didn’t even bother to wear his damned uniform-shirt. Cloud had put it down to confidence, but now he thought maybe it was something else entirely. What if he was just that alienated from his own body? Gods, he needed to do something to stop himself from crying.

“I’m so sorry that you had to grow up here, Sephiroth.” Cloud tried to close the rift that threatened to swallow him with words.

“I assure you Cloud, however many atrocities Shin-Ra subjected me to I have myself caused just as many. I just don’t work in the lab, that’s all. Spare me your pity. I won’t talk more about this.” Sephiroth straightened his back when he spoke, and with that the atmosphere in the room shifted to something lighter. 

“Maybe that’s true, but it doesn’t make it right. I’ll wash your hair now. Close your eyes, just in case.” Cloud gave a small sigh but busied himself.

He used his hand to shield Sephiroth’s face before he poured a ladle full of water over the top of his head. He poured the wonderfully scented shampoo into his hands and started rubbing it into the scalp. At first his thoughts were still dwelling on what Sephiroth had told him, but when Sephiroth reached back and lifted one of his legs over his shoulder and then pressed it into his chest in an oddly possessive way Cloud couldn’t help but smile. It seemed like such a typical Sephiroth thing to do. He always seemed to distract in the most unexpected and generous ways. Cloud couldn’t tell if the gestures were small or large, because they always stood out so brilliantly against that backdrop of cool invulnerability. Well, if Sephiroth grew up in the labs he probably became an expert in distracting himself if nothing else, Cloud thought.

The mechanics of distractions were not the point here though, the point was that Sephiroth had prodded Cloud enough for the warmth to start gushing forth from his chest again. Cloud let it pour into his hands, rubbed it into Sephiroth’s scalp and hair. It was washed into the tub until they both soaked in it, and then it rose into the air like a mist. Cloud felt so bothered by it, breathing seemed harder. He leaned forward to check if Sephiroth seemed to be noticing anything, but instead of finding him upset, Cloud found him with eyes squeezed shut and a small, if somewhat, hesitant smile. Instead of throwing his arms around Sephiroth and telling him over and over how much he loved him, he picked up the wide toothed comb and started combing through the hair soaked in conditioner. He also promised himself he would call Zack as soon as he had a chance. He was fully aware at the guilt that lured on him somewhere inside the simmering turmoil of his body.

“Does it feel good?” Cloud purred, overcome with adoration.

“Mmmh, it does.” Sephiroth answered, sounding quite happy.

Cloud couldn’t help but to give a quiet squeal and allowed himself a quick hug and a lot less kisses to Sephiroth’s cheek than he wanted to. He could compromise. Yep. It earned him a soft little chuckle.

The rest of their morning went quietly but easily. Cloud asked for tea, Sephiroth had coffee. Sephiroth had asked Cloud about his breakfast habits which mostly circled around rice, pickles and eggs or light meats. Sephiroth nodded and put some fruits on the table and explained he didn’t have much of an appetite in the morning. Before they parted Cloud had shyly asked if they could start making plans to see each other. Sephiroth had agreed, in exchange for getting to know who had access to his schedule. After making him promise there would be no repercussions, he ratted Kunsel out. Ohboy, did he owe that guy a lot. They had a lovely parting kiss that Cloud didn’t want to end, but when it did, he was too giddy to be bothered anyway, and then he floated all the way down to his own quarter.

When Cloud came home he felt exhausted and exhilarated at the same time. He dutifully sent Kunsel a text to let him know Sephiroth had found out about his access to the schedule. He decided to go to the gym to try to clear his head a bit before calling Zack later in the evening.

In the spur of the moment he decided to go to Zack’s apartment for the night. He’d done it more often than he thought he would. At first he’d felt like he’d been intruding, but the feeling wore off, especially when he really started to really miss Zack. Zack had been gone for more than a month already. They’d stayed in touch every day, but they only spoke every few days. It seemed like reasonable habits between two people in SOLDEIR. Besides, he thought maybe Zack could need the space.

He grabbed a comic book from Zack’s collections, threw himself on the bed that he liked to pretend still smelled like Zack though it definitely didn’t. Then he sent a text to ask Zack to call him back if and when he had a chance that evening. Half an hour the phone rang.

“Cloooooud!” Zack’s voice rang out cheerful and loud enough for the speakers to crackle. 

Zack was sitting on the porch of the Shin-Ra villa in Costa del Sol, waiting for the sun to set. Cissnei was somewhere around, but she was good at paying him just the right amount of attention to be a good friend as well as a good security detail. Sometimes Zack wondered if she was a bit too good at her job.

“Hey Zack!” Cloud smiled and tried to sound care-free, with the intent of easing into the conversation.

“Okay chocobo-butt, out with it. What’s wrong?” Zack dialled it down, easily picking up the tension in the two words that Cloud had uttered.

“That’s so unfair. I was going to bring it up after the small talk.” Cloud sighed heavily.

“Yeah I figured… Wanna go back to small talk?! It’s been another sunny day here in Costa del Sol, whaddayaknow!” Zack almost, almost felt guilty for half-teasing Cloud when he apparently had something weighing on him.

“No… I’ve got something to tell you. Please don’t hate me for it…” Cloud sat himself up in the bed to brace against his tightening chest.

“I’m pretty sure that’s impossible, so don’t worry too much about it. Take your time Cloud. I’ll be right here.” the last traces of humour left Zack’s voice, leaving only kindness and concern.

“Well… I’ve been seeing Sephiroth a lot more lately. I think we’ve gotten a lot closer…” Cloud could hear his own vagueness as the words left his mouth.

“Mhmm? That doesn’t seem very surprising? Actually he mentioned it to me too.”

“Really? Okay… Uhm… The thing is,” Cloud took a deep breath, “I think I have feelings for him.”

Zack made an effort to erase all traces of sarcasm or mockery from the statement before he spoke. “Okay? Is that a new thing?”

“Yes? I think I love him. Like… I’m in love with him.” Cloud’s tensed up and forced the words out, forced himself to be clear, because Zack was not reacting the way he thought he would.

“Oh... I thought you’d always felt like that about him. You’ve always gone all starry eyed over him, and I’ve seen you lose your trail of thought many, many times when we’ve talked about him. You’ve seen him for over a year? I just assumed…” Zack thought this conversation had been funny and cute if Cloud hadn’t been so worried.

“That was different! Now it’s all different!” Cloud broke into sobs.

Zack cursed silently over being so far away when he heard Cloud’s snivelling.

“I feel like I’m betraying you! It’s awful! I feel awful! Zack, I love you too and I hate that you’re so far away! I hate it...” the words were wrung out of Cloud together with a river of tears.

“Oh Cloud… I wish I could hug you so much. There’s no reason to feel like that. Please don’t think like that…” Zack put on his most confident, calming, comforting tone.

A momentary silence followed, only interrupted by Cloud’s audible crying.

“Hey… It’s not even your fault. I was the one who said I couldn’t do exclusive relationships, right? It was never you. If I would have asked for exclusivity you would have given it to me without any doubts, right?” Zack sighed with heavy guilt.

“…Yeah” Cloud squeaked hoarsely.

“Listen Cloud… My way of having relationships is not for everyone. You haven’t wronged me, but you know… I can’t say whether you’ve wronged yourself or not. That’s for you to decide, and if you decided that you want to try to be exclusive with Seph-”

“What?! No! No way Zack! How can you even say that?!” Cloud raised his voice in utter frustration. That was the last thing he’d ever want, at least then and there.

“Because I think it needs to be said. You do have a choice here, and I want you to make the best one, Cloud. I want you to be happy, and if you’d be happier making a different choice, then you should.” Zack could hear the distance in his own voice. It was the only way he could make himself say those horribly painful things, even though it made his own stomach turn with worry that Cloud would leave him.

“But you’re my home, Zack! You’re my… You’re almost my…” a new burst of desperate sobs crackled through Zack’s speakers and speared his chest.

Cloud took a deep breath and asked the question that he had so carefully kept at bay since they started sleeping together. “Why am I not enough for you Zack?”

“Oh Cloud! You’re so much more than I could ever have hoped for, and you’ve given me so much more than I ever could have dreamed of… When I have good news the first person I want to tell is you, and when I’m desperately sad you’re the one I want to see…

“But I get carried away with my feelings too. I don’t trust myself to be exclusive. I don’t think I could… I wouldn’t want to lie to you or sneak around with other people. I don’t want to be unfaithful to you… or anyone else. I tried it and it was awful. It made me hate myself, and it ruined my relationships beyond repair. I would never want that with you, or anyone else. I understand if that makes me seem weak and selfish. Maybe I am. Maybe that’s exactly what I am, but I don’t think I could change that.” 

Zack swallowed his impulse to apologize. If he started doing that, he knew he would never stop because he knew he could never really be forgiven for his selfishness. It was best to not even try. It was hard though, especially since Cloud was crying louder and louder, until the speaker crackled.

Cloud had put the phone down and was crying into one of Zack’s pillows. He knew he had no right to feel so upset. Zack had been perfectly clear that he didn’t do exclusivity when they started dating. He’d known that Zack must have had good reasons for it, because Zack was a good person. That’s why he loved him so much. Still, the finality of bringing up the issue tore through him and he couldn’t help feeling wronged. It seemed unfair. 

No one had prepared him for anything but the standards of marriage between a man and a woman. He’d be prepared for fights, for fading love, for boredom, financial struggles, for the sacrifice of parenthood. No one ever prepared him for loving a man, or two for that matter.

He hadn’t cared much about any of that, but he had hoped that he could one day be enough for someone else. Enough for just one other person. Hearing that he never would, not from the right person, not in the sense that he had been told, made him scream and howl into the pillow. He folded under the pain and screamed as loud as he could. He screamed until his throat hurt, his lungs burned, and the taste of mako and blood was in his mouth. To his own surprise it actually made him feel better, quite quickly too, and he hurried to pick up the phone again, knowing that Zack must be out of himself with worry. No matter how he felt, that was not what he wanted.

“I’m sorry Zack. I know I shouldn’t be so upset. I just need some time to… adjust. I don’t want to leave you. I wouldn’t even know who I’d be without you, and I’d be the happiest person in Gaia if I never had to find out.” Cloud’s voice was calmer now, but constantly cracking in a way that made Zack wince.

“Cloud… How can I make it easier for you? What can I do?” Zack broke into quiet tears himself.

“Even though it hurts I appreciate your honesty. You’re giving me the chance to deal. That’s all I need. Even if you’re weak and selfish, you’re enough for me.” Cloud could feel a heavy weariness coming over him.

“Cloud…” Zack wanted to tell him Cloud was enough for him too, but he knew it would be interpreted as exclusivity, and that’s not what it meant to him. 

To Zack it meant that even if he’d never love anyone else, Cloud would still be enough for him to feel content and happy in life. Hell, he’d probably feel like that if they were the last two people on Gaia. Cloud however would be driven up the walls if he was the only one around. Cloud needed other people in that respect. They were just different like that.

He hoped Cloud would come to understand with time. And he begged to the gods... No. He woved to beg to every single god he knew of that they would have more time together. As soon as the phone call was done, he would find a shrine or a temple, a church. Whatever. He would go and pray for time.

“Zack… I’m beat. I’m so sorry for making you feel bad. Thank you for being so patient with me. You’re so kind and patient with me. I just wanna sleep now.” Cloud dragged the words he was looking for through his foggy mind.

“Please Cloud, don’t thank me for that. Feel better soon, okay? Call me back any time. And we’ll speak tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah… tomorrow. Night Zack.” Cloud said weakly.

“Sleep tight chocobo-but.” Zack felt like the scum of Gaia.

When Zack heard the phone click he was frantic. He would have to go for a run before he could sit before any gods. He accidentally checked Cissnei’s shoulder as he ran past her in the stairs. He flung his sneakers over the shoulder, opting for running barefoot on the beach. He ran for hours, all through the sundown, and for hours after, thinking the world bestowed him with much more beauty than he deserved.

He went to the bar and asked if there were any places of prayer, and heard of an old run down church at the outskirts of the little resort-town. He bought two bottles of Cloud’s favourite beer and some grapes on a whim and went off in search for the building. He found it open and empty, except for the dust that coated the pews. It had nicely painted windows, each with their own god, and the moonlight shining in made their prescience looming, but Zack didn’t mind. He wanted to be heard. He went to the front and kneeled on the kneeling bench, offering his beer and grapes even though he knew it wasn’t part of the local custom. 

He started talking to all the gods, telling them about himself, Cloud and his other friends. He talked about his life and troubles until he finally asked for what he came for. Then he sat in silence for a while, and thought he might as well: he pictured Angeal in his mind and started to talk about everything and nothing to his dear old friend that he missed so terribly much. The night air was warm and still, much too kind to him, he felt. When he finally ran out of words, he moved down to the cold marble floor and laid his head on his folded arms on the bench and fell asleep.

Cissnei had found him there a few hours later, and he gave no protests when she dragged him back to the Shin-Ra villa and put him to bed, tucking him in like a child. He ignored how pathetic he must have seemed like to make her treat him so gently, but really, he didn’t mind. When she came back in the morning and climbed into his bed, he didn’t mind that either.

...

When Cloud woke up the early Sunday morning he felt better, but far from good. He tried rolling himself in Zack’s blanket like a stuffed burrito, he tried picking up the comic book, he tried breakfast, stuffing himself with candy, a scalding shower, a cold one but nothing seemed to drive the restlessness away. He went to the gym only to find the left and right halves of his body refused co-operate until finally he just walked aimlessly out of the Shin-Ra building.

Walking was better. Watching the lives of other’s unfolding on the streets was better. Clusters of children playing looked to him like the swarming summer-insects in Nibelheim. He could hear some of them playing nicely, and some definitely weren’t. He wondered how Zack had been like as a child. Surely insufferable in one way or another. He smiled and sent Zack a text asking if he had any childhood photos of himself to show. That was good. It felt normal.

He hadn’t really walked around the upper plate much. He’d pretty much stuck to sector eight and the theatre district, it being so conveniently close to the Shin-Ra tower, but now he walked the other way. He quickly found himself walking up and down staircases to keep going straight, zig-zagging across the smoggy streets. It seemed odd that he would end up living there, in the tower. The centre of Midgar, sure, but it might as well have been the centre of Gaia entirely, considering the power the company had. 

He walked until he reached sector eleven. He walked through the dull residential areas where all the houses looked exactly the same, he crossed a railroad track, an industrial area, another residential area until he reached some sort of little square. The square had a run-down bird-pond filled with brown water in the middle which seemed ironic. Were there even birds in Midgar? How old was Midgar anyway? How old was Shin-Ra? He realized he had no idea, and that seemed wrong.

When he saw a bar he decided to walk into it. Maybe he could pretend that was normal for him. He took a window seat and ordered three beers which he drank way too quickly, but it felt good, the numbing alcohol. He tried to focus on what was bothering him. He was conflicted about his own feelings about Zack and Sephiroth, but there was something else too. 

When he was together with Sephiroth it was so easy for him to slip into that comfortable, eager, overwhelming adoration, but when they were apart whatever they had shared seemed completely unreal. It was like trying to hold water in his hands, if his hands had holes through his palms. When they were apart, he felt himself slipping into the habit of thinking of Sephiroth as someone who was far away and out of reach. Like someone else than the person he’d… shared… things… with. He put his head in his hands and groaned at the memories of ‘sharing’ flooded him. He’d been there! Why didn’t his memories seem real?!

He sat at the window until the sun set, watching people come and go. Watching the square emptying of its daytime bustle. He drank until he was the last one there and finally was asked to leave. He was in a bad headspace when he wobbled his way back, and the closer he came to the tower, the less he wanted to arrive. He started taking the darkest, dirtiest, dodgiest winding alleys, not quite aware of why, but if nothing else it would it made the walk longer.

When he turned a corner and saw a gang of rough looking men who immediately shot him warning glares. He ignored them and kept going right at them with the flutter of excitement in his chest. Well, that seemed off? Whatever. The men fell ominously quiet when he moved closer and when he was right up to them someone had to assert himself.

“Oi, whatcha doing here man? Shouldn’t go wandering alone like that.” the man mocked.

“Why? I’m not afraid of you.” Cloud slurred, chuckled and faced the man with a wide grin.

“Look, he’s drunk!” another one bawled.

“What? You think you’re some freaking SOLDIER or what?!” the first one said and shoved Cloud with his fist.

“I guess so.” Cloud let his grin grow wider and happily returned the shove when it dawned on him why his chest had fluttered. 

Then he shoved the man again for good measure, just to make sure he was driving his point home. It hit perfectly. The men, he didn’t even know how many they were, five? Ten? - They were all suddenly clamouring around him and when the first blow landed in his stomach he smiled. The air was pushed out his lungs and instead left behind a sense of relief. Someone kicked him in the back of his knees. They hit the ground hard enough for his kneecaps to have shattered if he hadn’t been enhanced. The blows raining over him made sweet, comforting pain explode throughout his body and the world shook softly when he fell to his side. He sighed blissfully when the ground scraped the skin of his cheek open.

For a moment he felt like he was exactly where he belonged again. He could pretend that he was normal. Just a normal guy having nothing but normal worries in the world. As if he’d never joined Shin-Ra, had no enhancements and could offer no resistance. For better or for worse, the moment was cut short with a kick to his head that even erased his sense of relief as black curtain fell heavy on the little spectacle.

When he came too again the men were gone. So was his wallet, and his PHS, but his key cards and Shin-Ra ID were still in his cardholder. ‘Lucky’. When he touched the back of his head the blood was still fresh, so he hadn’t been out for long. He slowly rose up, scoffing at how easy it was even after taking such a beating and made the last dozen blocks back to the tower.

He buzzed himself in and dragged his miserable ass to the manned counter. He didn’t even have to say anything before the secretary gave him a pitying look, an envelope full of useful forms to ‘report accidents’ which would get him a new fully restored PHS, and perhaps something for his lost wallet too, and a potion. He managed a thanks, made his way back to Zack’s apartment and sat down knees pressed into his chest, fully clothed, in the shower. He knew the potion would remove all the small cuts and large bruises, take care of all the soreness of his muscles, but would do nothing to remove the pain in his chest, so he left it unopened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totes cried myself through writing that convo between Zack and Cloud. So fucking sad. ;__________;


	23. C/S Change of pace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud fucks Seph with love now. Zack returns from Costa del Sol, and Sephiroth is looking for himself in the archives of Shin-Ra.
> 
> Okay, maybe it's more accurate to say that Cloud is fucked, and takes it with love. Sephiroth, as always, makes Cloud endure before he gets what he wants. Some nice smut that starts out rough, and ends... just a little bit softer.

The next morning Cloud was dragging himself from Zack’s apartment to his own to change into a fresh uniform when he met Sephiroth at the elevators. He tried to hide the traces of the rough scrape he had on the cheek in his hand, but Sephiroth’s eyes narrowed and immediately yanked his hand away.

“What’s this?” Sephiroth’s voice was cold like a bucket of ice pouring over him.

“I got into a fight.” Cloud said, unable to meet Sephiroth’s eyes.

“I can see that. What I meant to ask, Cloud, is why aren’t you healed?” 

Sephiroth’s questions was like inescapable dissecting knives cutting into him. There was nowhere to hide. He didn’t even try to answer. Sephiroth grabbed the hem of Zack’s old t-shirt that he was wearing and yanked it up to expose his bruised abdomen. Cloud winced from the gesture and his body filled with shame that he desperately tried to hide.

“Cloud, this is a breach of your contract. What in Gaia’s name compelled you to leave it like this?” 

“Please don’t report it. It was a mistake.” Cloud said wearily but straightened his back and dragged his pleading eyes to meet Sephiroth’s.

“I can’t make that decision until I know what happened. Consider yourself suspended. You may join me at my office until I’ve made a decision.” Sephiroth cold command left no space for arguments.

“What!?” Cloud’s eyes lit up in fury.

“I am the general. SOLDIER is under my jurisdiction. Have you forgotten?” Sephiroth’s eyes narrowed as he spoke, and suddenly he seemed to tower over Cloud.

The whole atmosphere seemed to change around them, making Cloud take a step back. It made him realize how long it had been since he’d seen Sephiroth this imposing, and it made his stomach turn, much worse than any thoughts of being suspended. Sephiroth was on point though, he hadn’t thought of him as the general for quite some time now.

“I’ll see you at the office then.” Cloud mumbled and fixed his eyes on a stain on the carpet, swearing inwardly at the elevators for taking so long.

Sephiroth closed the distance before Cloud even noticed, and lifted Cloud’s chin in a firm grip. Cloud felt as if another bucket of ice had been poured over him. He could practically feel how Sephiroth was picking him apart with his piercing gaze, and then came the blow of disappointment at whatever was found.

“Don’t forget yourself, Cloud.” Sephiroth said in quiet caution.

“I won’t. I’m sorry, sir.” Cloud successfully refrained from cringing at having to address Sephiroth formally, but it was appropriate. The whole conversation they just had would have been cause for firing him if someone had walked in to hear it.

When the elevator arrived Sephiroth graciously gestured for Cloud to step into it, saying he’d wait for the next one. Cloud dragged himself into it, expecting the walls of the elevator to cave in on him as soon as the doors had finished closing. They didn’t though, but Cloud folded himself in half, groaning until he could feel the elevator slow down for the next stop. It felt chocking that the world just kept moving on, as if it was just another normal day.

…

When Cloud arrived at Sephiroth’s office he was buzzed in by the secretary without words. Sephiroth didn’t greet him either, just stood up to meet him in the middle of the room. Cloud could once again feel the heavy weight of Sephiroth’s scrutiny on him, and this time it led up to a gloved hand on his shoulder and the green sparks of a cure which despite all, made him feel slightly better.

Sephiroth calmly showed him into the back room, a room covered with shelves and a desk stacked with papers, and told him how to sort, file and forward the incoming paperwork. Their interactions were calm and quite neutral, as if there was an understanding between them that Cloud needed to clear his head, and that was certainly accurate. Fighting in training wouldn’t have helped, getting beat up hadn’t helped, asking for help apparently wasn’t an option. Time to try the paperwork route.

Cloud slumped down on an uncomfortable chair in the back room with the door slightly ajar to the reception room of the office, where Sephiroth sat with a single pile of papers. Cloud had never been in Sephiroth’s office before. The light was oddly dim for an office, and the colours were mahogany and forest green. The walls of the reception room were lined with ornate bookcases filled with books and the desk was similar to the one in Sephiroth’s apartment. There were only two chairs, both covered in beautiful gold and green fabric that matched the metal on the spines of the books. It seemed more like a part of an antique library than an office. The back room, however, was in fluorescent lighting and horribly decorated. The shelves looked industrial and the paint was a yellowed white, cheap and chipped. Cloud tore his eyes away from the slightly out-of-place beauty Sephiroth and his office made, sighed and got to work.

The hours passed slowly and by six o clock Sephiroth let him know that he was fine to leave. Before he left, he asked Sephiroth to let Zack know he’d lost his phone. It was not one of his finest moments, and the glare of daggers he received, he could only feel he had deserved.

…

He found a new, restored PHS on the backroom desk the following day along with a notice that the cost would be deducted from his already suspended pay. It wasn’t much of an issue though, he’d saved the majority of what he hadn’t sent to his mother. Mostly he just hated that Sephiroth he’d been found out.

The next few days passed agonizingly slow and there were times he thought he’d lose his mind. At times he found himself staring at Sephiroth. Though they hardly spoke it wasn’t uncomfortable between them. It was calming, and once he gave in to that, he found himself grateful for the time to think things through. It was the first real change of pace he’d had since he joined SOLDIER, which was just short of a year ago now.

He’d think about what he should tell Sephiroth about letting himself get beat up. He couldn’t very well say ‘I felt guilty about loving you, shit for not being enough for Zack, and conflicted about having joined Shin-Ra, and I wanted the pain for distraction.’. But eventually he would have to say something.

A week and a half in, he decided it was time. He waited until the workday was over, and instead of leaving he walked up to Sephiroth’s desk and half-sat on it. Sephiroth put down his pen and turned off the screen of his computer. Cloud pulled a deep breath before he stared.

“I was in a bad place. I second-guess myself so much I get overwhelmed.” Cloud wrung his hands and stared at them while he spoke, “I wanted the distraction. I understand that it wasn’t the best way of coping. It won’t happen again.”

“And what choices were you second guessing?” Sephiroth listened patiently and asked his question without an accusatory tone.

“Well… Shin-Ra… it hasn’t been what I thought it would be… I know I was naïve, but I thought things would be simpler. A lot simpler.” Cloud hoped it would be enough of an explanation.

Sephiroth gave his pensive hum, and they both fell quiet.

“May I be put back on duty?” Cloud asked with some caution.

“You may, Cloud. But you can not let this happen again. I don’t understand why you didn’t ask for help. You have many friends.” Sephiroth avoided mentioning that he would have been happy to help. The reasons as to why, he wouldn’t even think about.

“You’re right. I was being immature and that’s not an excuse.” Cloud’s eyes glowed dully with hope and longing when they nervously flicked up to Sephiroth’s.

It hadn’t seemed to be appropriate to suggest spending time together when they were working so closely. He just hadn’t been able to bring himself to ask for it, and he’d never expected Sephiroth to either, but now if they were to stop… Cloud had missed it, though he’d enjoyed their silent comfort too. A lot.

As soon as those thoughts hit him that dam of warmth inside him broke again. He’d held it back for more than a week and now suddenly it overflowed with a vengeance. It took all the willpower in the world not to throw himself at Sephiroth, not to say those three treacherous words that could never ever be untold once they were out. They were like a spell waiting to be said, and they pressed on his mind so heavily he thought his head would crack open.

“Cloud?” Sephiroth had seen Cloud’s breathing go shallow and his eyes lose focus.

Before Cloud could stop himself, he’d jumped off of the desk and taken those one and a half steps to straddle Sephiroth’s lap. He had to occupy his mouth immediately because the words were in his throat, nearly moving his tongue and the air from his lungs wanted to carry them out of him. He fervently pushed his body against Sephiroth’s and made his lips follow. 

Sephiroth sat stiff and unresponsive, and after a second his hands had flicked to Cloud’s shoulders to push him away, looking at him with cold suspicion.

A horrible idea struck Cloud, and he slid himself off of Sephiroth’s lap and turned to remove the computer screen and keyboard to the floor.

“What are you doing?” Sephiroth’s voice was causiously demanding, but Cloud paid it no heed.

“Is this important work?” Cloud asked with his eyes now glowing darkly, putting his hand on the pile of papers on the desk.

“Don’t.” when Sephiroth spoke there was no doubt he had army commanded armies with his presence. Whilst it surely would have induced fear and obedience in most others, it made Cloud’s pulse quicken for entirely different reasons.

“Then make me yours, on the desk, now.” Cloud started to undo the belts of his pants.

“The door is unlocked.” Sephiroth’s eyes were inevitably drawn to Cloud’s hands, and unmistakably started filling with lust.

“Is that really a problem?” Cloud wanted to stop the conversation as soon as possible, so he pushed his pants to his knees, letting his thumbnails scrape his own skin to leave red trails on the outside of his hips, and bent himself forward over the desk. 

“No.” Sephiroth leaned back in the chair, attentively resting his piercing eyes on Cloud’s movements.

Cloud found himself in an unwanted battle of wills when Sephiroth didn’t show any signs of moving. When the tension became unbearable, he tugged his uniform gloves off with his teeth and while still looking Sephiroth dead in the eyes he slid three of his fingers into his own mouth and started licking them sloppily, letting his saliva drop down onto the desk. He took note at how much less he enjoyed the taste of his own skin compared to Sephiroth’s, but it was a small price to pay to appeal to the man’s oral fixation. The only reaction it got him was a slight wrinkle appearing at the man’s eyes, and the hint of a smirk at the corner of his mouth. It was enough though, to spur Cloud on.

Cloud took out his wet fingers and reached them back and, grinning widely, started pressing them against his twitching opening. He rocked himself against the desk by balancing up and down on the balls of his feet. He let his eyes close, and conjured up the image of Sephiroth standing behind him, crowding him, entering, pulling his hair, making himself moan prittily at his thoughts.

“That’s quite the sordid little picture you’re painting today, Cloud. Don’t you find it a bit garish?” Sephiroth chided, putting on airs of modesty.

Cloud’s moan finished in a scoff and answered, “Not if it gets me what I want.” with a playful, naughty glimmer in his eyes.

“I’m not feeling inclined to reward this behaviour.” Sephiroth said smugly.

“Then don’t.” Cloud’s grin grew wide with the knowledge of his next misbehaviour. He stretched his three fingers wide inside, wringing a bothered groan from himself before pulling his fingers out slowly. He returned them to his mouth to lick in a blatant display of rich, provoking filth, unmistakably enjoying himself to no end. In the back of his head he wondered when it had become so easy to give in so wholeheartedly to his impulses.

Cloud let his eyes drift to the pile of papers again and back to Sephiroth before he carefully worded “Punish me,” and pushed the pile off the desk with his dirtied hand.

In a flash Cloud found himself on his stomach on the floor, on top of the scattered papers. Sephiroth was pushing him down with a knee on his lower back. His back was arched up around the pressure from Sephiroth forcing fingers into his mouth as well as his ass. If Cloud had been able to, he would have groaned deeply from the pleasure of being filled by Sephiroth, but now all that happened was muffled sounds and warm pain blossoming in sore and protesting muscles everywhere.

“You overstepped, Cloud. Do not wrinkle the papers. Do not soil them.” Sephiroth’s voice was chilling to the bones, but Cloud revelled in it.

The power wielded over him, the shameless submission to it, it was exactly what he wanted. It felt like all he ever wanted, and his body was caught in a struggle to relax into the joy and relief of it, but having to stay absolutely tense to not hurt himself or ruin the papers on the floor. It was excruciating, sweet, and spiked his arousal to almost distressing heights.

Sephiroth didn’t move much, just continued to exact slow, increasing pressure on all three points, and Cloud could feel the relentless mix of pleasure and pain. The stretch of his opening was almost disconcerting, the tips of Sephiroth’s nails grazing along the inside of his throat, threatening it, threatening to gag him, was jarring. The pressure on his back itself was comforting but crushed his cock comfortably and uncomfortably into the papers on the floor.

Cloud felt his muscles burn and vibrate with strain when they were forced to contract harder. His eyes were stinging, tears were threatening to spill, and gods, he was about to leak everywhere. The realization made him draw a laboured breath through his nose. All of the muscles around his spine zipped up to hug it in protection as he prepared himself to scream for help, to be moved and released.

Before he could, the pressure was eased, and he was allowed to relax his spine a little bit. His hands worked frantically but carefully shove the papers under him aside, and while he was doing it, he felt the tickle of perfumed, silver hair brushing against him when Sephiroth bent over him to press his lips over a small, free patch on the back of his neck. At first the kiss was almost sweet, indulgent, but as soon as the papers were gone, he could feel the lips drawing open, and the warm wet tongue flat against his skin.

At first the hardness of the teeth against him was welcomed with shivers of pleasure. Then the sting of them increased, became painful, overbearing, and the pressure that forced him to bend backwards returned, threatening to break him. He blindly followed it as best as he could. The fingers slid deeper down his throat and he furiously blinked his tears away while furiously fighting his gag reflex. The tendons in his neck were creaking under the bite but he fought the whimpers that would break the protective brace of his muscles.

Cloud cramped up furiously again, overloaded, preparing to scream. Just then his neck was released, and the bite was instead gently kissed and licked, and he could feel Sephiroth nuzzling into his hair. Cloud felt the knee on the small of his back sliding forward, Sephiroth was shifting until he was sitting on Cloud’s back, pushing up heavy against his high-strung body.

Cloud couldn’t help but to feel as if he was locked in a queer embrace, and though he was nothing but a thrumming ache he felt entirely at peace, safe, taken care of and indulged. Even more so when Sephiroth started to actually fuck his fingers into his ass. It made him feel so full, everywhere, his whole body occupied with complying, shaping itself to Sephiroth’s wishes and intrusions. It felt absurdly good, as if all the blood of his body was drawn around his groin, making everything there swell.

When Sephiroth purposefully slid the pad of his middle finger to the back of his throat, tickling it, he couldn’t fight the gagging anymore. His jaw ached and his body was thrown into contusions. Sephiroth easily followed them, humming soothingly and kissed his hair until they stopped. The fucking of his fingers however, never let up. And then the process was repeated until Cloud only perceived his gagging convulsions as some sort of pump that made his blood speed up so quick, he felt like it flowed with the force a heavy waterfall inside him.

The fingers in his lower opening were eventually withdrawn, but Cloud was so lost he didn’t notice until he could feel the familiar, warm, rounded tip of Sephiroth’s erection sliding into him. That in turn, made him want to scream in welcome. Instead his throat could only close desperately around the fingers in his mouth until his body was taken over with the punishing rhythm that abruptly started to hammer him into the floor. The pressure of Sephiroth’s hand in his mouth was let up. The hand was moved to golden hair, grabbing it firm and pulling back, still bending him backwards, stretching him out.

The muscles of Cloud’s back had reached their limits though, and he let all of the muscles in his neck and torso relax. Sephiroth noticed immediately and Cloud’s head was carefully lowered onto his folded arms. In return Cloud arched his lower back up to meet the already crushing thrusts that vehemently expelled the air from his lungs with soft puffs that contrasted the sound of flesh being pounded into flesh.

Oddly enough Cloud found his senses being driven back into his body instead of out of it, and though his body was forcefully being slammed open, it didn’t escape him when Sephiroth’s lowered himself to lie heavy on top of him, pressing against him more fully, the kisses on his neck, and finally the arms that closed around him, the hands above his, the fingers that curled through his and pressed his palms.

Another kind of pain exploded in Cloud’s chest and he drew their arms around himself, wanting to protect his bleeding heart until he was embraced just as tightly as he wanted. Gods, Sephiroth always gave him what he wanted, and it felt nothing but surreal. He twisted his head and was immediately granted Sephiroth’s lips in his and they tasted like a celestial gift. Cloud tears were falling heavy when he was again allowed to taste the mouth of his beloved, living god, and he loved so, so much.

In their tight embrace the joining of their bodies had become different, moving slower, deeper, and Cloud could feel his spine compact, making his whole world shake, shaking him to his very core. He could feel parts of himself dislodging, the things he’d tried to hold on to. They were carried around in the blood of his body, they built up pressure, whipping up pleasure everywhere they went, and he was a moaning mess in Sephiroth’s arms, in his mouth.

Cloud felt Sephiroth swell and twitch inside him, and the fervour with which he was being kissed. It was heavenly, and he took Sephiroth’s name on his lips. It too, tasted so sweet, and he said so. As he did, soft kisses landed on his closed eyes, and an endless floodgate of praise and worship poured from his mouth. He heard himself deliriously speaking of Sephiroth’s beauty, kindness, generosity, loyalty. It only stopped when Sephiroth kissed him again, but Cloud pulled away and looked at Sephiroth with eyes drowning in pleasure.

“Please Sephiroth…” Cloud pleaded, bleeding with emotions.

Sephiroth smiled smugly and slowed his pace to tease, expecting Cloud to have reached the point of pleading for release. It was always so satisfying to delay it. Then he plunged himself into Cloud again, making Cloud’s enraptured breaths stutter.

“Please… I want you to…-” Cloud took another hitching breath while trying to focus his eyes again, he was slammed into, interrupted and reduced to shivering whimpers.

Cloud’s whimpers turned to pleasured sobs when Sephiroth picked up the pace in a series of shattering thrusts. Cloud could feel himself cracking slowly but tried to resist it.

“No… I want you to…” Cloud pulled Sephiroth’s arms around him as hard as he could before he managed to finish on a shivering exhale. “Love me.”

Sephiroth’s movements slowed momentarily when he gave a soft chuckle, as if humouring Cloud, and then his hands found the rings that went through Cloud’s nipples and playfully tugged at the piercings he’d put there, creating distraction.

“Come now, Cloud.” he said with a voice dripping with the promise of ecstasy, dislodged his arms from around Cloud, and pulled the blond to his fours by his golden hair and closed his hand around Cloud’s neglected and leaking cock.

With one hand on the small of Cloud’s back and one, stroking and tugging at Cloud erratically Sephiroth quickly pushed them towards release. Cloud folded forwards, bracing himself on one arm, and the other one he diligently cupped in front of his own cock, thinking of the papers still scattered around them.

Cloud could feel the comforting pressure on the small of his back lift, and he whimpered from the loss of it. He didn’t expect Sephiroth’s hand to return in a devastating, openhanded blow that landed with a sound of thunder that died too quick, absorbed by all the books in the room. The shockwave of the impact tore him open, tore his orgasm out of him with a raw, broken scream. He was still convulsing, and his throat felt sore and dry when he was lifted up and his back was pressed into Sephiroth’s chest.

Cloud leaned heavily backwards, letting himself drape over Sephiroth while enjoying the sensation of being filled with Sephiroth’s scalding semen that was still shooting into him in time with his own spasms. It was a perfect moment, and a warm, heartfelt, if a little dry sounding, laughter left Cloud along with the last tension in his body. Cloud’s stretched his clean hand overhead to nestle it into Sephiroth’s hair, pressing into his head and tugging playfully at the tresses.

“You seem so deprived now a days, Cloud.” Sephiroth mused, his breath over the grim looking bitemark he left on Cloud’s neck.

“Mmm, I love it when you say my name.” Cloud mumbled with a fucked-out grin plastered wide on his face, ignoring the stupid comment.

“Do you now?” Sephiroth murmured and endeavoured to fit his teeth into the swelling and slightly oozing holes of the mark again, making Cloud hiss and swear, and clamp down deliciously over his cock.

“It really hurts…” Cloud said, but the slight movement of his hips and the longing in his voice betrayed the pleasure it gave him.

“It looks like a monster bit you.” Sephiroth’s voice had a slightly odd ring, but Cloud found no reason to interpret it as anything but a joke.

“Yeah! Felt like it too!” Cloud chuckled and twisted his upper body around and playfully wiped his cum-drenched hand on Sephiroth’s face and leaned back to admire the view.

“The very picture of depravity, sir.” Cloud said animatedly, before he caught up with the draining feelings in Sephiroth’s face, turning it into an expressionless mask.

“No, no no no stay here with me.” Cloud awkwardly raised himself off of Sephiroth to turn around and put his hands on Sephiroth’s shoulders, shaking them gently to call him back.

A little warmth seeped back into Sephiroth’s eyes when he saw the concern in Cloud’s face. Cloud awkwardly pulled his pants up so that he could move more freely and not drip cum on the floor or the papers still scattered around them. He snuck his hands around Sephiroth’s neck, a gesture that felt like second nature by now, and pressed himself to Sephiroth. 

“It’s fine if you get lost in your memories but you gotta come back, okay?” Cloud spoke softly into the slightly mussed silver strands.

Sephiroth didn’t bother to correct Cloud about his assumptions. It wasn’t exactly memories that had disturbed him. His eyes landed on the papers but closed his eyes to them, giving himself a little more time to enjoy the blond and his silly crush. Sephiroth rolled his eyes at the gibberish the boy had spouted mere minutes ago, but he wrapped his arms around him all the same. Then he slid his hands to grip Cloud under his thighs to lift him to the desk, and zipped himself up.

“Are you okay?” Cloud asked keeping a close watch on Sephiroth’s face.

“Of course.” Sephiroth put his hand on Cloud’s neck over the bite-mark that disturbed him so, making Cloud hiss from the touch before green light faded softly in and out of the room. Then he half-sat on the desk next to Cloud.

“Thanks!” Cloud rolled his shoulders and his neck before he slid off the desk and started piling up the papers scattered.

“Sorry for the mess.” Cloud grinned and glanced at Sephiroth who didn’t seem completely unamused either.

“Well… I suppose I’ve slaughtered people over less. Today must be something of an exception.” Sephiroth said and wiped his face with one hand and let the other rest on Cloud’s cute little ass when he was bending so perfectly to the floor.

“I’m sure.” Cloud chuckled. When he turned back to the files, he noticed several of them were stamped with ‘Nibelheim’.

“Hey, I’m from Nibelheim! What are all these files about?” Cloud asked without really expecting an answer.

“Science reports from the Shin-Ra mansion.” Sephiroth said it as if it was nothing special.

“Oh, I remember that. The kids always said it was haunted.” Cloud dumped the stack of files that almost reached to his chin on the desk.

“I hope they stayed away.” Sephiroth said with a sad little smile.

“Yeah, mostly I guess.” Cloud shrugged.

Cloud grinned sheepishly when he was yanked by his shirt to stand in front of Sephiroth who started to zip him up and fasten the belts and buttons of his uniform with excruciating care. It felt good. Really good, and he playfully leaned into the touch.

“You wear it so often.” Sephiroth murmured and let a finger stroke over the horizontal tucks in the pants where his old uniform had been shortened to fit Cloud.

“Of course. It was a gift from you. I love it.” ‘you’ was something Cloud didn’t say. His face flushed with a deep red.

“Well, aren’t you adorable?” Sephiroth chuckled and pulled Cloud closer.

“With all due respect, shut up, general, sir.” Cloud said, his voice sounding a bit thick. He kept his eyes fixed on Sephiroth’s chest, all but bared under his leather coat.

“But then, how could I ever say your name again, Cloud?” Sephiroth teased with absolute confidence and didn’t miss the little shiver that ran through Cloud at the sound of his name.

“Stop.” Cloud groaned and hid his red and still heating face in his hands.

“You have no pet name anymore, so I’ll just have to call your name, over and over again. Cloud. Cloud, Cloud, Cloud, Cloud.” Sephiroth let the back of his fingers trail along Cloud’s arms when he spoke, making his voice soft and low.

Cloud dropped his hands dramatically but kept his eyes squeezed shut. “You’re insufferable. Awful! Terrible.” Cloud said with an embarrassed laughter, not at all sure what to do with himself.

Sephiroth hummed a chuckle and pushed some sticky, golden strands out of Cloud’s face. “Now soldier, would you care to help me carry those files to my apartment?”

“I would care quite a substantial amount, sir.” Cloud grinned.

When Cloud opened his eyes, he found Sephiroth’s warm and fixed on him. He was yanked even closer, and Sephiroth parted his long legs for him so that they could close all the distance between them. Cloud groaned and palmed up Sephiroth’s thighs when he was pulled into a searing kiss.

“Be sure to take note of my secretary when we walk out. He’s not that good, but the faces he makes when he heard too much… priceless. I’ll never get rid of him, poor thing.” Sephiroth said casually, throwing Cloud into a fit of laughter before he picked up the large stack of files again.

“Okay then! Well, suddenly your friendship with Zack makes a lot more sense.” When Sephiroth raised an innocent eyebrow, Cloud grinned even wider. 

Sephiroth was right. It took Cloud all he had not to laugh audibly at the secretary when he followed Sephiroth to the elevator, trying to erase the spring from his steps.

…

Cloud kept spending time once or twice a week with Sephiroth. They had settled on another book to read, sometimes they just had quiet, sparse conversation. Sometimes Cloud brushed Sephiroth’s hair, always in silence. And then there was the plentiful sex. Cloud came to think of Sephiroth’s bathtub as one of his favourite places. He cherished the time they spent together, and slowly but surely all of it seemed to feel more real.

When Zack had been gone for nearly two months, he finally got the green light to return to Midgar. Cloud had to spend a few giddy days after the news, anxiously waiting.

When Zack rang the bell of his own apartment, Cloud was there to open the door for him. Cloud couldn’t help but to burst into tears. Seeing Zack’s beaming smile, he felt like something that he didn’t even know he’d been missing had returned. Like that feeling when slightly misaligned bones snap into place with a satisfying pop: before they did, one might not even have noticed they were set wrong.

“Hey, turn those waterworks off!” Zack laughed and held his arms out.

Instead of hugging him, Cloud jumped up to wrap his legs around Zack’s waist clinging on to him so hard Zack started to huff and puff in jest. Zack pushed the door closed and just walked in and sat them down on the sofa. They sat there in silence, breathing each other in for a long, long time.

Zack was the one who started up the conversation again, commenting on how his apartment was cleaner than it ever had been before. Somehow it really felt lived in by someone other than himself, and Zack was moved by how much time Cloud must have spent in it. It seemed to confirm how much Cloud must have missed him, and though he wasn’t proud of the thought, it made him very happy.

…

It wasn’t as if Zack and Cloud felt unfamiliar with each other, but things between them had never been rushed, so they gave each other time over the next few days to gently catch up. They did their best to work through any sensitive topics that none of them wanted sprung onto the other at a bad time. Cloud asked about Zack’s time with Cissnei and volunteered bits about his and Sephiroth’s time together. Cloud found it nerve-wrecking, but Zack’s patience, kindness and openness diffused every conversation. Between them, it felt as natural as breathing to make sure they were at ease with each other as friends before they picked up spending time as lovers again. It was their outspoken arrangement after all.

One evening they were playing video games in Zack’s apartment and Zack was standing up on the sofa, just having won a difficult fight. Cloud was sitting down, giggling, and when he looked up, he just saw Zack. Not for the first time, nothing new, but what he saw made him feel so at home. As if he was with his family, right where he belonged.

Cloud absentmindedly put his hand on Zack’s ankle and slid it up under the wide shorts, feeling the contours of his muscles, the warmth of his skin and the soft bristle of the hairs that had now gone golden, feeling like he had the world in his palm. Zack cast his eyes to Cloud and immediately dropped the controller. He jumped to the floor with a dull thud and bent down to put his forehead to Cloud’s, knowing that his own loving, dorky smile reflected Cloud’s perfectly. When their lips met it was with the warmth of a thousand suns, and when their bodies joined a thousand suns burst into flares.

Cloud continued to see Sephiroth a few times a week, careful not to break that routine when Zack had came back. He even got them to spend time together, the three of them, hoping it could ease his own anxiousness about seeing them both. It had been awkward at first, but it soon eased up, and on the whole, it had been really nice. Sometimes he felt like dating two people split him into different people, but after he’d talked to Zack about it, he felt better. Zack had told him that maybe that was just a part of growing; a part of exploring who he wanted to be. Cloud encouraged Zack to spend time with Sephiroth alone too, which apparently wasn’t needed because they made plans of their own anyway, and that was good too. He didn’t want to come between them in any way, though he knew change was inevitable with things being as they were.

Cloud and Zack struggled together to find a new rhythm that could fit Cloud working to sort out his feelings and Zack’s mourning of Angeal that still threatened to crush him at times. They made conscious efforts to include Sephiroth, and though it seemed to be fruitful at first, they eventually found themselves in worried conversation about Sephiroth seeming increasingly withdrawn and preoccupied. He started turning their invitations to meet, which didn’t worry Zack quite as much as Cloud. Cloud went to knock on Sephiroth’s door several times before he was finally let in, but only for tea, and he’d returned, this time to Zack, devastated. 

…

Sephiroth had sat at the desk of his apartment pouring over the Nibelheim documents nearly every free hour of his own time the last two weeks. They were only copies, giving account on arguably some of the most complex biological medical experiments that had been conducted, and they were heavily redacted. It was slow and difficult to read, and he had to sift through his memories to try to fill in the blanks and look up references to certain procedures to be able to make out any information at all. It was slow process.

When he’d worked through the pile, he no longer had any doubts though. He would have to go to Nibelheim to see the original files. He was certain he’d found evidence of experimentations on himself and that there would be more on location. It might even jog his memories. 

He rose from his desk and paced his living room where blue moonlight mingled with the non-optional yellow electric lighting of Shin-Ra, thinking of how he could best create the opportunity to go there without rising suspicion. He came to stand in front of the only window that opened in the apartment. He’d had to carefully sneak in bribed carpenters and make sure the surrounding rooms to his were empty to make the installation possible.

He opened the window now and let the cool night air wash over him. It was probably least smoggy air in Midgar, due to the height. Still, the smog was thick enough to tint the moon greenish with mako fumes, and he scoffed at it, at Shin-Ra’s foolishness. They really were destroying the planet, and everyone just let them.

Not his problem, he thought as he climbed out the window and down to the discrete little platform the carpenters had built for him. It was just enough for him to comfortably be able to close the window behind him so that it wouldn’t raise suspicion if someone entered his apartment while he was out. Then he leaped out into the air.

He carefully ascended the few remaining floors on the outside of the tower, avoiding all windows, clear elevator tubes, balconies and terraces, and then he continued straight up. Even though he loved flying he didn’t do it often. It was quite a high risk to let people, Shin-Ra, know how long and how easy he could do it.

There had also been times when he found it so enjoyable, he thought he could lose himself in it entirely, as if the rush of air against him when he flew could have blown out the humanity in him like the flickering flame of a naked candle. However irrational it sounded, the idea of it kept nagging him.

He allowed himself the pleasure now and then, when he really needed to get perspective on things. Somehow seeing Midgar from far above always did. It looked so artificial from up there. An aberration on the expanses of the barren landscape that surrounded it. The crowning glory of Shin-Ra. It always gave him resolve to keep hating the company that owned him, and maybe the rest of humanity too. After all, they allowed his life to be what it was; a detestable, lonesome, caged existence.

Flying helped him that time too. What he needed to do seemed perfectly clear to him when his wing brushed the low hanging veil of a cloud. He would fake reports of monsters in Nibelheim. With a little planning it would be easy.

Before he circled back down, he wondered it really would be a bad thing to let the monster inside of him take over. What if it would be just like flying? Swimming through the sea of air like no one else could, now that his two comrades had left him behind. The temptation seemed instantly threatening to overtake him, and with an effort he pushed the thoughts aside and returned to his expensively decorated cage.

…

It would take Sephiroth another four weeks to fake the reports needed to build up a threat large enough for Shin-Ra to consider sending him. He’d opted for reports of overpowered monsters due to a reactor-malfunction. It couldn’t hurt getting free access to the reactor, considering mako being a common component to many of Shin-Ra’s science experiments. The two facilities were likely to be interconnected somehow. He’d make sure the reactor staff and any maintenance staff at the mansion would be evacuated.

Said and done, six weeks after Zack’s return the three friends found themselves in a briefing room together for the Nibelheim mission. Sephiroth had expected Cloud to be there, him being from Nibelhiem after all. It was standard procedure to deploy personnel who had knowledge of the local areas. He hadn’t expected Zack necessarily, but Zack cheerfully said he’d volunteered for the mission with the motivation that it’d be good for him to spend some time with his friends on the first significant mission after his ‘vacation’.

In a way perhaps it was for the best? Sephiroth was sure that Zack and Cloud wouldn’t get in his way while spending all the time he needed to find what he was looking for. Perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad at all, he thought while sinking into the chair next to Zack, waiting for the briefing to begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nibelheim is coming up. A friendly reminder: It says 'on the side of angst' in the description now, yeah?


	24. C/S/Z Family matters pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our team arrives to Nibelheim. Here be plot and a dash of angst.
> 
> I feel like I should put a content-warning on this chapter for being long and smut-free.

Cloud, Sephiroth and Zack were in the back of a Shin-Ra truck together with two the two troopers Brian and Cloud’s old roommate Jax. Sephiroth was quietly annoyed at being transported like any other cargo or staff, having grown used to finer creature comforts. Cloud was huddled up against Zack with a fit of motion sickness, waiting for the pill to counter it that Zack had given him to come into effect.

Though Sephiroth avoided staring, he couldn’t help noticing how comfortable Cloud was next to Zack, even when his constitution was failing him. It was disturbing to see. Why wasn’t he more ashamed of his weakness? The little exchange the two had had when Zack had produced the pill was nothing but sickening. Was it really such a big deal that Zack had remembered Cloud’s proneness to motion sickness since his trooper days? Sephiroth swallowed another scoff when he thought about it.

When Cloud was feeling better Jax, Zack and Cloud were in eager discussion about the latest video games while Brian had fallen asleep. Sephiroth tried to prepare for his work by walking himself through the findings about the laboratory and experiments, but constantly found his thoughts interrupted by the animated discussion playing out in front of him. 

Later Zack and Cloud had fallen asleep and Jax and Brian started pestering Sephiroth with ridiculous, fan-ish questions about drab, meaningless things until Sephiroth gave a glare so stern they finally stopped trying to engage him.

When they were all awake Sephiroth and Zack exchanged a meaningful look, having noticed that Cloud had gone more and more tense and distant until Zack asked what was bothering him. Cloud let his eyes fall to his hands fidgeting in his lap before he said something.

“Yeah, so, I’m not really looking forward to go back to my old home town. Except for my mom, I don’t really want to see anyone again. Would you mind if I kept my helmet on?” Cloud explained reluctantly with an apologetic smile.

Sephiroth was the one who asked “Why?” Jax and Brian kept their heads down, not wanting to embarrass someone who outranked them.

“Uh, you know kids. Sometimes they just choose someone to pick on for no reason. And then there was this girl, Tifa. I thought I liked her for a while. She never paid me any attention until I was about to leave, and now that… I just don’t want to… It’s just embarrassing.” Cloud frowned deeply and sighed when he finished speaking.

“They picked on you for no reason?” Zack asked and leisurely put his arm around Cloud, not wanting to do something more intimate in front of the others.

“Yeah pretty much. I guess I was always shy, but that’s the only reason I could ever really think of that made sense.” Cloud avoided mentioning the thousands of reasons that didn’t make quite as much sense but that had haunted him non the less throughout the years.

“I mean, sure, keep your helmet on, it doesn’t matter. Right guys?” Zack said with a light tone and gave Cloud a little squeeze.

Jax and Brian nodded, and Sephiroth only gave one of his signature hums in reply.

…

  
The truck’s engine made a screeching sound, like a dying creature of metal, when it slowed down and came to a halt outside the village right before sundown. The October night was clear, and the air had a distinct smell that Cloud recognized as the smell of frost. It brought him back both pleasant and less pleasant childhood memories. They walked up the main road that quickly opened up to a square centred around a small water tower. The town was small but quaint enough. Most of the houses were of wood, with thick, accentuated red beams and slanted, tiled, roofs.

On Sephiroth’s instructions Cloud walked them straight to the inn where they would be staying. Sephiroth, of course, had a room to himself, and the rest of them had two rooms to share, divided by rank. Before they were sent up to their rooms, they were instructed to divide the nights into two shifts, Zack and Cloud being allotted the latter one. When Jax and Brian walked up the wooden stairs they joked that this must have been where all the cheap horror movies sampled their creaking stairs; they practically screamed ‘haunted house’. Cloud and Zack found they had the room on the upper floor in the corner. Sephiroth had the room next to them, and Jax and Brian were across from them. They were told to be prepared downstairs at 8 am the next morning to be ‘shown around’. Cloud took off his helmet as soon as they stepped into his room, and Zack quickly crowed him into a hug.

“Are you going to be ok? You nervous?” Zack said and nuzzled his face into Cloud’s slightly flattened spikes.

“Yeah, of course.” Cloud said with lacking enthusiasm.

“So how bad were the kids really?” Zack pressed.

Cloud sighed and wrapped his hands around Zack’s waist and sighed. “Pretty bad. They made me really, really want to get out of here.”

Zack gave a sympathetic grunt. “What about that girl?” Zack’s eyes sparkled with mischief when he asked.

“Oh, come on!” Cloud chuckled and tried to pinch Zack’s waist but found himself greatly hindered by the uniform stomach-guard. “So this is what they’re for huh,” he mumbled.

“What?! Tell me about her! Tell me about you, Cloud! I wanna know, now that we’re here and all.” Zack dislodged Cloud’s hands from around him and brought them to his mouth to kiss while walking them to one of the narrow single beds.

“She was cute, you know. The mayor’s daughter. Popular. I guess all the boys had their eyes on her at the time.” They sat down on the edge of the bed with Zack listening attentively with his wide blue eyes resting on the antsy Cloud. 

“I guess… she was one of the few who weren’t dismissive of my dream to join SOLDIER, and that… fuelled my wishes to succeed. Shin-Ra isn’t very popular here. The reactor… it changed things, and the Shin-Ra mansion too. People think it’s eerie.”

“Mhmm, and now?” Zack inched closer, looking mischievous again.

“Now what?!” Cloud giggled at Zack’s playful prodding.

“What if you’ll meet her now?” Zack leaned his face closer and closer, looking intense enough to make Cloud shift nervously.

“Gods you’re so silly!” Cloud shoved Zack playfully, and instead of shoving back Zack fell back onto the bed and dragged Cloud with him.

Cloud put his head on Zack’s shoulder and felt Zack’s arms wrap around him comfortably.

“Do you regret it, joining Shin-Ra?” Zack asked in a more serious tone.

“Honestly, yeah, sometimes.” Cloud turned to his stomach, half laying on Zack to be able to look up at him. “But then I think of the home I have you and… that’s like, impossible to regret. I love my mom and all, but I was ready to leave.”

“Oh…” Zack’s eyes filled with tenderness, pride and happiness that was returned by Cloud in equal measures. “That makes me really happy.”

“Yeah, me too. I like who I am when I’m with you, you know?” Cloud said with an adorable pink blush tinting his cheeks, making him look young and bashful, but his eyes shone strong and unyielding.

“Me too, Cloud. You bring someone I like out in me too.” Zack’s sky-blue eyes were clear and starry when they met Cloud’s, making Cloud grin with the thought that it should be the other way around.

Something playful crept into Zack’s eyes when he made himself shiver exaggeratedly and whined, “It’s too cold!”

“Don’t you want to eat before… we move on with the evening?” Cloud chuckled and ruffled the stubborn black spikes.

“No! I’ve never been less hungry in my life, in fact. How kind of you to ask!” Zack was already busy with unclasping Cloud’s uniform.

Cloud crept up from the bed and walked over to grab the blanket from the other one and tossed them on top of Zack who was now playfully pouting.

“Happy?” Cloud smiled and started taking his boots off.

“Well...” Zack smiled one of his unmistakeable ‘I want sex, and you know it’-smiles. “Is it ok though? Is it weird for you, here where you grew up?” 

Zack stood up and adjusted the blankets neatly on the bed and started to undress himself before crawling back under both covers in his underwear.

“No, it’s fine. We just have to be quiet. These old houses… Thin walls don’t mix well with old-fashioned values.” Cloud gave an apologetic smile and joined Zack under the covers.

“I get it. In Gongaga I think it was more accepted that different families lived in different ways in a way. The more I see the rest of the world the luckier I find myself to have been born there.” Zack said and pressed kisses into the golden spikes.

“Sounds nice.” Cloud paused for a moment and then brought something up he’d thought a lot about the last few days. “Hey, would you like to come see my mom if she agrees to it? She knows about you, but I haven’t told her we’re dating. I’d like to though, but she doesn’t have a phone and I wanted to tell her in person… But we’ll be here for a few days, right?” Cloud’s voice was so soft and hopeful, so sweet it made Zack’s chest flutter.

“Really? You’d want that?” Zack’s voice was suddenly thick and unsteady.

Cloud propped himself up on his elbows to watch Zack with curiosity. “Yeah, of course.”

“Then yeah, of course I want to meet her.” Zack’s voice was quivering.

Cloud placed his hands on Zack’s face. “Hey, what’s up?” Cloud asked softly, but Zack only shook his head.

“Common, Zack. Zacky? Zackary?” Cloud gentle coaxing were accompanied by his thumbs that gently brushed over Zack’s face.

Zack took a deep breath and started, “Since Angeal… and then we had that-, when you cried on the phone when I was away… and I thought maybe that’s it.” He tensed up and waved his hands around awkwardly.

“What do you mean ‘that’s it’?” Cloud asked carefully while continuing his soothing motions.

“Like… you were going to leave me.” Zack sounded so small and helpless when he said this, nothing like his usual self. His hands dropped limp to the mattress.

“Oh Zack. I wouldn’t blindside you with something like that. I’d would give us a chance to fix it before making such a big decision. I hope I never gave you any other ideas.” Cloud draped himself heavily over Zack in a hug.

“No…” Zack sounded unsure but then continued with more certainty, “No, you didn’t. I think it’s coming from me. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to stop worrying about it since Angeal...” Zack returned the embrace and hid his face in Cloud’s soft hair. It was a bit grimy with road dust, but Zack didn’t mind.

“I get that. It’s okay to be worried. Just let me know if I can help, okay? I want to help.” Cloud’s voice was muffled from talking into Zack’s neck.

“Yeah. Hey, can we maybe just hug it out today? I kinda feel tired all of a sudden.”

“Who are you and what did you do with the real Zack?” Cloud teased without any malice.

“Shut up.” Zack said with a tired smile and shifted on the bed to try to get comfortable even though they had so little space.

“I’m actually looking forward to being here with you.” Cloud whispered.

Zack went through appropriate responses in his head. ‘You’re the best’ was out of the question, even though it was the first thing that popped into his mind. ‘I love you so fucking much it hurts’ too. It was just too much and too stupid sounding. Unfortunately, his unfocused mind just kept repeating these two options so he just opted to nudge Cloud to turn around so that he could give long strokes down Cloud’s side and give small little soft kisses to Cloud’s back until he’d fall asleep. 

Zack didn’t feel particularly sleepy. His mind was preoccupied with their relationship. Besides, he didn’t really feel like he’d ever ‘caught up’ with spending time with Cloud since he got back from Costa del Sol. It was nice to just lie and think there with Cloud pressed up against him for a while. In his contentedness with that Zack ended up drifting off to sleep quite quickly anyway.

In the next room Sephiroth was sitting on his bed with the heels of his hands pressed against eyes. He’d quickly found out he could hear everything from the room next door with his enhanced hearing. Even the gods damned rustling of the sheets. He’d considered leaving but there were too many people still awake and he couldn’t risk being noticed. Besides, some twisted corner of his mind had gotten ‘curious’ and then it became difficult not to listen in on Cloud and Zack’s conversation. The mundaneness of it was daunting. Their lamentable little feelings were repulsive. The boredom of it all was all-encompassing, so why, Gaia why, had his chest tightened up so painfully from what he heard? At last there was only their calm breathing, which unfortunately, seemed to drill holes into his very skull. It was going to be a pressing stay he thought and sighed heavily.

Sephiroth lied down to try to get a few hours rest before escaping the room by flying out the window to collect monsters and drop them around town. It would look better for the reports after all. The night air was certainly chilling, but he welcomed the distraction of it. The stars overhead could be seen more clearly than they ever could in Midgar, and he enjoyed the sight of them. They made even his life seem insignificant, and seemed to hold the possibility of unknown, kinder worlds that he used to dream of as a child. Somewhere where he too could have had a welcoming home. He quickly pushed the thought aside and started scanning for enemies.

With minimal effort he’d managed to collect a few ordinary dragons, three Zuus, and shoved some bombs together in threatening clusters around the town. It was odd to use his flying and power to move enemies instead of killing them, but it was thrilling to put his focus into something new. Thrilling to feel the enemies writhe so helplessly under his grip as they soared through the air. The sound of wind pressing past his ears seemed to erase at least parts of the conversation he’d regrettably overheard. When he returned to his room a few hours later he felt calmer and better prepared for the morning to come.

…

Cloud’s alarm rang at one thirty am and he quickly turned it off and started to wake the heavy sleeper next to him with hugs and tickling touches. He was met by half amused, half grumpy groans as usual.

“Don’t make me pull the blanket off, first class.” Cloud teased into Zack’s ear before nipping at it.

Miraculously they made it downstairs in time to replace Brian and Jax as guards outside the inn. Zack and Cloud would chat quietly sometimes standing far apart, sometimes very close, gazing at the stars in the quiet early winter night. They didn’t even notice the howling of the wind between the old houses. It was the only sound to be heard, and anyone else would have said it brought an imposing melancholy atmosphere that was hard to shrug off, no matter how prettily the starry sky twinkling.

At eight in the morning the visitors from Shin-Ra had collected and were greeted by a young girl who was oddly lightly clad in something like a cowgirl outfit, and an overly enthusiastic photographer from the local newspaper. Everyone who knew Cloud noticed him shrinking to the back and keeping more quiet than usual. When the guide introduced herself as Tifa, Zack shot a hasty glance at Cloud who gave a little nod, and then Zack happily took the lead for all conversation.

The tour was slow and fairly uneventful. They found a few groups of monsters around the outskirts, but they weren’t levelled high enough to warrant two first class SOLDIERs, something that both Cloud and Zack noticed. The photographer was over the moon though, to see monster after monster fall after just one strike from Sephiroth. Zack required two or three, and Cloud still needed around ten rounds to finish a dragon. 

Tifa guided them up to the old reactor which was situated slightly outside of town and left them there. Sephiroth led Zack and Cloud inside. Their footsteps echoed ominously between the narrow metal corridors that led up to the large main hall, dimly lit with old flickering lamps. There was a staircase leading up to another enclosed, smaller chamber. Around the stairs multiple platforms were accessible and each platform contained a number of strange looking pods that each had multiple tubes connected to them and led to the centre chamber. It all gave an almost biomechanic impression, like they were inside a mechanical lifeform. They all slowed down to take in the unsettling sight, and Cloud removed his helmet as if he didn’t believe quite what he saw, though technically the helmet improved his vision instead of hampering it.

“Seph,” Zack started, sounding mildly unnerved, “what are we really doing here?”

“I’ve been looking into Shin-Ra’s research projects, namely project S. You know Genesis and Angeal were part of project G?” Sephiroth walked up to the staircase and sat down on them unphased, while the other two hesitated to step further into the room.

“Yeah, Angeal mentioned it, though I never really understood much of it.” Zack said, pain seeping into his voice.

“Yes, well… They were injected with some sort of foreign cells at a foetal stage, and so was I. I believe it was done here in Nibelheim. I’m here to learn more. I feigned the reports of the monsters. I needed the excuse.” Sephiroth’s tone was light and easy. It seemed wrong for the room, and for what he was saying.

Zack frowned. “Experiments, on humans?” He didn’t bother to hide his disgust and traces of disbelief.

“Have a look.” Sephiroth made an elegant, inviting gesture to the pods.

“These used to be humans?” Zack’s voice was hollow and distant when he asked. He walked up to the pod closest to Sephiroth and instead found himself paralyzed at the sight.

“Yes. Mako-enhanced, but to a far greater level than the average SOLDIER. Your predecessors, if you’d like.” 

Cloud walked up to another pod but only managed to take a quick peak before the creature twitched and made Cloud fall backwards on to his bum. He couldn’t bring himself to look again. The creature had looked nearly like a human turned inside out or perhaps flayed, but the limbs were twisted, muscular and claws adorned their appendages. Its eyes seemed glazed over, but Cloud could have sworn they’d looked into his when it flinched. Cloud’s breaths grew short and shallow and he continued to crawl backwards until his back hit the wall, and he pressed his back against it.

“Are they alive?” Cloud whispered quietly, but they seemed to increase in volume as they echoed around the chamber in an unnatural way.

“In a manner of speaking, I suppose.” Sephiroth said.

All the colour from Cloud’s face drained and he looked like he was about to vomit, but he just sat there, still, eyes pried open with horror. Zack sighed deeply and sat down next to Sephiroth.

“I get it. It’s fine. We’ll support you. Whatever you need.” Zack put a hand on Sephiroth’s shoulder.

“Thank you. I believe the files are mainly in the Shin-Ra mansion. I expect I’ll be spending some time there.”

Cloud scrambled himself ungracefully off of the floor when Sephiroth and Zack got up to leave. Before they left the room, Zack noticed a sign over the smaller chamber at the centre.

“Hey, it says Jenova. Isn’t that your mother’s name?” Zack asked Sephiroth.

“That is what I’ve been told.” Sephiroth said thoughtfully but didn’t expand on the topic.

Cloud had to support himself off of the walls, and as soon as they came out Cloud did in fact drop to his knees and threw up. Thankfully Jax and Brian kindly turned away. Sephiroth quietly remarked out of reach from the troopers that the watch shifts and patrols should be kept up for appearances but that they were otherwise free to spend time as they liked. Then Sephiroth took Jax and Brian with him and went ahead back to town.

“You okay?” Zack crouched down next to Cloud who still seemed uncertain whether he was done or not.

Cloud spat one last time before he bitterly replied, “Shin-Ra, huh? Wow…”

“Yeah…” Zack sounded equally disgusted, but perhaps a little less surprised.

…

When they got back to the inn they took turns using the only shower, and when Cloud was done he went off to his mother to pay his first visit during their stay. Zack, instead had a chat with the people about town. When asked, Jax and Brian said Sephiroth had gone to the Shin-Ra mansion.

Sephiroth busied himself with getting acquainted with the way the files were organized in the mansion. It was a large two storied building, all made out of wood. Some rooms were sealed off, and many of them were coated with thick dust. He was aware of the secret basement but found records to be spread all over the house. Some were mixed in with the ordinary books in the bookshelves that lined almost every room. It was probably deliberately organized like that for increased security. Unless he found some sort of cipher for the filing system, he would be stuck there for longer than he’d hoped for.

In the evening Sephiroth could hear Cloud return from his mother’s house, letting Zack know that he was invited for dinner for the next evening. The two apparently spent their evening playing video games together on hand-held consoles, blissfully unaware that Sephiroth was listening in on them to gratify some bizarre fascination. Sephiroth wondered why in Gaia’s name two people who fought and killed for a living would want to spend their free time pretending to do the same. He bitterly gritted his teeth at their constant laughter, and to how easily their conversation flowed.

He couldn’t understand how playing video games seemed to change in a flash to copulation, or why they wouldn’t stop their banal cackle or giggling all through it. He heard their every damned sound of pleasure. Cloud’s moans were shockingly every bit as enraptured while squirming under Zack as when Cloud had squirmed under himself, but somehow purer, and that, he wanted for himself.

The worst of all was that the warmth the two seemed to incite in each other seemed to creep through the walls. It was as palpable as if Sephiroth had seen it as golden, glowing strands, pressing past the molecules in the walls and entered his room too, dissolving into a glowing, poisonous gas that stifled his breath and paralyzed him. And he was literally paralyzed by it, sitting on the edge of his bed, questioning, well, everything. Not only did he feel loathing for the two of them, but also for himself. How could he, the general of Shin-Ra, let this get to him so deeply? He found it truly distasteful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So from now on it seems like I can't write the chapters out chronologically any more which might make updates a little bit more scarce, but fear not. They will come. 
> 
> In an alternative universe perhaps I am a perfect fanfic-writer who has discipline enough to portion out chapters with some regularity. Alas, it is not our universe, and here I am, just not knowing what the hell I'm doing: business is as usual. Status quo is maintained. Confusion is constant. Mixed feelings are the only feelings. etc. etc. ;)


	25. C/Z Family matters pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zack gets introduced to Cloud's mom. Sephiroth hears the two of them planning for their future. Plans that he does not feel a part of.
> 
> Some fluffy-ish clack-smut (or the Japanese tag for the pairing is apparently Zackkura, cute!) with the usual dash of angst.
> 
> Oh yes, then there is Seph's self harm. Be warned.

The next afternoon Cloud to his mother and Zack was asked to join him a few hours later. Cloud’s childhood home was right on the town square, and Zack was careful to knock on the door when Jax and Brian were distracted by the local children who were paying them quite a lot of attention. He was welcomed by a woman about a head shorter than himself. She had blond hair a shade darker than Cloud’s, collected in an unruly but charming pony-tail. She was wearing a sensible dress with pants underneath, and a sturdy apron on top. She eyed him critically up and down then her face broke into a smile when she took his hands in hers and shook them vigorously.

“Welcome Zack! Cloud has told me a lot about you! I’m Claudia!” enthusiastically dragged Zack further inside. 

The house only had the one floor and it was modest in every respect. There were no doors, the one large room was sectioned by the layout rather than walls and doors. There were two beds right across the kitchen area, something that Zack had never seen. Perhaps it was to get some of the heat from the stove in the cold of winter? To the left of the entrance there was a section on a platform where the floor was tiled with stones. There he could see various tubs, a spinning wheel and sacks of something that looked like cut off fur. The house had something of an animal smell mingling together with the fragrant smell of cooking, not unpleasant, but not something you’d find in either Midgar or Gongaga.

Cloud was busy with putting up a folding table, and Zack quickly joined him to help out. Claudia went back to the stove to add some finishing touches to the stew she’d prepared, all while making cheerful chitchat with Zack. Cloud stayed quiet with a small smile and an adorable, constant blush on his face.

Claudia put a white tablecloth that had been carefully mended in several spots on the table and started setting it. Claudia and Zack hit it off instantly were soon filling the small space with laughter, and Cloud’s smile grew until he too joined in with the laughter. Zack was delighted to find a few similarities between them both. Claudia’s unrestrained laughter was similar to Clouds, though Cloud’s might be rarer. Some of her gestures were similar to Cloud’s, though Cloud’s were more muted. They had the same little wrinkles at their eyes when they smiled, and Zack was absolutely delighted. He felt like he’d gotten another piece of the puzzle of knowing Cloud.

The stew was delicious, heavy on vegetables, on the lighter side with the meat, but filled all of their stomachs with its rich taste. After the dinner Claudia got a rather large bottle out of a cabinet and poured an amber liquid into three glasses.

“I’ve saved this for a special occasion. It’s made out of firnberries, a local speciality,” she proudly said and raised her glass.

“Really, I’m honoured.” Zack said, clearly self-conscious, but Claudia just waved at him animatedly.

“Pfft, you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for Cloud to tell me about ‘someone special’,” she put on a funny voice for the last two words while meaningfully fixing his eyes on Cloud who sank down red-faced in his folding chair.

“I can’t say I expected him to bring a man, but now that I’ve seen and talked to you I can’t really mind! Besides, grandchildren are over-rated what with Shin-Ra draining the planet and all,” she cheerfully added and downed her drink more enthusiastically than expected of a woman her size.

“Mom!” Cloud whined, but Zack broke into a fit of laughter and expressed relief at her words.

They continued to chat and drink for a while before Claudia gave Cloud a meaningful look and told Zack that Cloud had something prepared for him. Cloud thanked his mom, kissed her cheek and then led Zack through a small door right of the kitchen which led to the back of the house through a narrow corridor. It opened up to a sort of patio with more wooden barrels and tubs in different sizes. Around it was several tables, some with working equipment, but there was also a smaller table with familiar bottles of soaps and shampoos. It was all lit up by two large lanterns.

“What’s this?” Zack asked Cloud with stars in his eyes.

“Bath.” Cloud practically beamed when he said it. He excitedly had a small bounce on the ball of his feet and Zack thought he’d never seen anything cuter.

“Mom works with preparing fibres for spinning so she does a lot of washing. That’s what all the stuff is for.” He gestured to the tables with the unfamiliar cranks, wheels and rakes. “There was always one tub meant for us though.”

Cloud dragged Zack around the largest barrel. It was wide enough to comfortably fit two people and it was filled with water that steamed into the early night air. Cloud stepped off the edge of the patio and opened a hatch that to show the fireplace that kept the barrel warm from underneath.

“Wow.” Zack’s jaw dropped and he stroked his hand along the thick, expertly crafted barrel.

Claudia came to set a little side table next to the tub with the rest of the firnberry wine, a jug of water and large towels, then winked at them both and said she’d be sleeping with earplugs and headed back in. When Zack saw the face Cloud made at her remark he blurted out another laughter.

“Wow, your mom’s great!” Zack walked up to Cloud, placed his hands on Cloud’s waist and kissed his blushed cheeks.

“Yeah… I know.” Cloud said, resigned to his embarrassment.

“So what now, we just get nekkid and jump the bath?”

“Yep. Pretty much! If you’d like to, that is.” Cloud smiled, still bouncing slightly on his toes.

“Fuck yeah!” Zack lovingly undressed Cloud to somehow show his appreciation, carefully but casually running his hands over every piece of exposed skin. For once he made an effort to put away the uniform neatly folded on one of the empty tables. 

“This is amazing…” Zack said with awe while looking around at the little backyard. 

There were fences to shield the vision from the neighbours, but there was no fence to the hillside which faced the building. The sky was as thickly littered with twinkling stars it had ever been. The moon was nearly full and generously bathed the night in its blue winter light. Cloud got into the tub and sat on the inside platform and wrapped his arm around Zack as soon as he joined. 

For a while they sat there next to each other in silence, looking at the sky, breathing in the smell of fresh wooden fire, the faint tar from the barrel, the faintly perfumed oil in the water… It seemed almost too perfect.

“I think this is my favourite place in the world,” Cloud said. “Mom used to make the bath on special occasions, or sometimes if I’d just had a particularly bad day.”

“So that’s what you were doing this afternoon? Heating all this water?” Zack’s voice and eyes were filled with adoration.

“Yep!” Cloud slid himself off of the ledge and down into the water so it covered his mouth, bobbing softly up and down, all while keeping his eyes on Zack’s face.

“Is it really that special that I’m here?” Zack smiled at seeing what he presumed was Cloud’s playful, old bathing habits. It looked a bit like a chocobo bobbing in the water, but he refrained from joking, not wanting to change the atmosphere.

Cloud sat up properly. “Zack Fair, honestly, it is! I am invested in us. Happily invested! And you better be too ‘cause now my mom loves you. I’ve never seen her take so well to someone before, and she’s not one to fake it.” Cloud flicked a bit of water at Zack.

“I get that. And for the record, I’m invested too.” Zack put his fingers on the back of Cloud’s neck and pulled Cloud closer with ever so slight a pressure until he was close enough for a kiss.

It was a slow affair, bare and vulnerable and it went on for a long time. When Zack had had his immediate need for Cloud’s lips stilled, he trailed kisses up across Cloud’s cheek, over his eyes and up to his hair, kissing away warm droplets of water that had mingled with the taste of Cloud’s skin. Cloud’s hands snuck around Zack’s waist and another long, easy silence settled in while they held each other.

“Yeah, I notice things you do for me, like keeping your flat tidier. How you stuff your fridge with stuff I like, how you cook for me. How you’re always honest and upfront with me even when I know it’s hard for you.” Cloud said with quiet thoughtfulness.

Cloud kissed away glowing drops of water from Zack’s neck.

“Gods dammit, you’re being too fucking adorable Cloud, don’t you know what that does to me?” Zack tried to joke, but it came out entirely without snappiness. Cloud put it down to hiding some deeply hidden shyness.

“… said the pot to the kettle.” Cloud mumbled before he turned his head up for a kiss.

This one had a slightly different flavour than the previous. Though it sprung from wanting to extend their closeness to their bodies being close, Zack’s tongue moved in unhurried provocation against Cloud’s lips until he could feel Cloud getting hard against his thighs and Cloud’s tongue meeting his.

Zack ran his hands along Cloud’s sides and hesitantly let them land on Cloud’s hardness and broke away from the kiss. “Was she serious about the earplugs?”

“Probably, but there are neighbours too.” Cloud’s eyes twinkled bright in the lantern-light.

“Sure... I just want to be close.” Zack said quietly with his eyes distinctly aglow with desire.

“Me too.” Cloud pressed himself against Zack, running his hands over Zack’s strong neck and shoulders, down his chest, enjoying his fingers moving over the firm muscles. It should be illegal to be this hot, he thought while his pulse was quickening.

At times Cloud still felt in awe over the position he’d come to have in Zack’s life. To be allowed to touch like this-, no, that Zack loved to be touched like this by him. It was something Cloud hadn’t really gotten used to and hoped he never would.

Zack grabbed Cloud’s hands and guided them to his own backside. “I want to be close here,” he said in quiet, low voice.

A shudder moved through Cloud at the implication. He pushed Zack back against the wall of the barrel with a kiss full of tongue to be able to stand up and reach for the things on the side table. He drank a mouthful of the firnberry wine which tasted like liquid sunshine, and he handed Zack’s glass to him while moving around bottles, looking for the bath oil. He found the bottle and turned triumphantly to Zack.

“Stand.” Cloud said and nodded to the sitting platform.

Zack stepped up on it and leaned forward comfortably on the thick edge of the barrel. Cloud stood behind him and slid his hands up and down Zack’s exquisitely curved legs. The calves of his legs were too large for Cloud to wrap around with both his hands, and his thighs were like a tactile wet dream to touch. Cloud poured oil generously into his hand and slid it up between Zack’s legs. The way Zack quivered from the touch and the warm lantern-light contoured his muscles… Cloud thought he could lose his mind from that alone.

Cloud pressed a few open-mouthed, lingering kisses to Zack’s backside and whispered “Wider,” while nudging the inside of Zack’s thighs.

With a distinct lack of hesitation typical to Zack, he placed his legs further apart and tilted his hips forward in a way that earned him a few more kisses before Cloud’s richly oiled hand returned to slide down between Zack’s cheeks.

“You’re impossibly gorgeous.” Cloud mumbled and teased his fingers over Zack’s opening. He poked Zack’s arm with the bottle, and Zack smelled it appreciatively before putting it back on the table. He wanted to remember everything from that night.

“It’s nice.” Zack mumbled both at the oil and Cloud’s touches.

“Mom gets the oil from the fibres she washes. She’s a bit cheeky, always keeps the best for us instead of selling it…” Cloud talked while pressing firm circles around Zack’s rim, entranced by Zack’s wet, glistening skin in the gentle lighting.

Zack’s breaths grew deep, but he was careful not to let out any of his usual moans or groans.

“Common, in me… please,” Zack whispered after what seemed like an eternity.

Cloud placed his hands on the cheeks of Zack’s backside and pushed the awe-inducing muscles apart. Then he placed his lips below Zack’s tailbone and kissed down the middle. Zack’s breaths didn’t catch, but they deepened, and his back arched deeper. When Cloud’s lips were over Zack’s opening whispered swearwords spilled over his lips, but they soon quieted and Zack went back to intense, silent breathing. Cloud started sucking at the skin, teasing the folds of the opening with his tongue, still rubbing the area with his thumbs. Cloud could feel Zack’s muscles warming, softening and responding to his touches.

“You’re killing me…” Zack managed to whisper when he was sure his voice wouldn’t betray Cloud’s trust with a loud, needy whine.

Cloud withdrew his teasing with a loud, sloppy kiss, finishing with the flat of his tongue in a firm, lingering lap. With a drawn-out breath Zack’s body drained some of its tension, but when Cloud returned his tongue, firm, prodding, pushed past Zack’s rim the muscles immediately awakened with a new, tense, exquisite hum.

“Fuuuck,” Zack hissed and let his upper body drop over the edge of the barrel where the side-table was, and a few bottles were knocked over, which he quickly scrambled to put back.

Cloud pulled his head back again only to mumble, “Fun,” before returning his tongue to Zack. He reached with it deeper, enjoying the curious sensation of Zack clenching down on it, resisting it being pushed out. It was hard not to smile when he thought it was like two new muscles in separate bodies found each other and tried to merge.

“Cloud, I can’t… I’ll scream, I’ll die…” the desperation in Zack’s whisper reflected his tense body that gave Cloud the satisfying impression of an overwound spring.

With another theatrical kiss Cloud’s mouth left Zack again to give a few moments of pause. Cloud gave Zack’s wonderful backside a parting squeeze before he let his hands wander again. They stroked the skin of Zack’s back that had dried to only being moist with sweat and steam, and those delectable thighs that were too lovely for Cloud to really wrap his head around.

“Give me the oil,” Cloud whispered and stroked along the skin where Zack’s backside joined his legs.

Still in a daze, Zack passed the oil to Cloud who poured some into his hand and passed the bottle back. A rugged breath came out of Zack when he was entered by two of Cloud’s fingers. Cloud deliberately pressed the warm, soft walls everywhere but that lovely collection of nerves that he suspected would make Zack cry out with how wound up he seemed to be. After a few stuttering breaths Zack managed to find those deep, free-flowing ones again.

Cloud folded his free arm around Zack’s thigh and rested the side of his face on Zack’s lower back, finding a way to touch more, to hold Zack better before he eased a third finger in. The evening and Zack were so beautiful, the soft clucking of the water was calming, the faint smell of the bath oil and wood-fire was just so lovely Cloud like he didn’t know what to do with all the happiness he felt. All he wanted was to hold on to Zack, which he was doing in the most intimate way he knew, in his childhood home, with his mother’s approval. Heavy tears of happiness rolled quietly down Cloud’s cheeks and onto Zack’s back.

“Tell me what you’d like. Tell me what would make you feel best right now.” Cloud whispered and let the pads of his fingers stroke slowly and lightly over Zack’s sweet spot so to not surprise him.

Zack’s hand came to join Cloud’s on his thigh, and their fingers were braided together. The time seemed to stretch out effortlessly, comfortably, kept only by their rhythmic breathing and Cloud’s fingers moving intimately in and out of Zack. Eventually Zack gestured for Cloud to remove his hand, and then Zack slid back into the water to face Cloud. His face was sombre, tear-stained and oh so warm and open. Cloud thought he saw something almost raw in Zack’s eyes.

“How could I possibly feel better?” Zack whispered and plucked Clouds hand from the water and pressed it onto his chest above his heart.

Cloud had a faint smile, but really, he felt too much and too deeply for anything else, and Zack’s seriousness quickly made it fade. There was something fragile between them, in how much they wanted to be with each other, and how plainly they could see it in one and other. With that came the will to comfort and reassure each other, and that will was like gravity that pulled them together. 

Neither of them wanted to lose their loved one from sight, so they sat in the tub in an open embrace, connected by the warm water until Zack pushed Cloud to sit on the ledge. Then he reached his hand down and slowly stroked Cloud to full hardness while his other hand came up to caress Cloud’s lovely face. Zack could feel every revel in the touch he gave, read it so clearly on Cloud’s face, and he truly, truly believed it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. He tried to commit every little detail to his memory. Every little flinch, the way Cloud’s lips parted ever so slightly to let out quiet little gasps, the way Cloud nuzzled his face into his hand, the glistening drops of water on Cloud’s eyelashes and the freckles in the lantern lights.

Zack felt his love for Cloud press against everything he thought he knew, threatening to put it to tests he hadn’t foreseen, but those thoughts were too complicated to process then and there. Instead he climbed into Cloud’s lap and aligned himself over Cloud and let his body be entered by the infinite warmth and comfort piecing their bodies together gave him. Cloud’s hands settled on his hips to aid, and then Cloud was enveloped by his willing body. Cloud let his eyes close and his head roll back in serene bliss.

Zack’s hands were in Cloud’s wet hair, on his face, gently stroking, on his neck, over his heart, tracing the bones of his sternum, his clavicles, his ears and he still felt like his caresses, and him taking Cloud with a slow roll in his hips still wasn’t enough to express his love. Even though he loathed to use words sometimes, he felt them pressing in his chest. Many had told him he had a way with them, but he found they always seemed to be inadequate when it came to speak of matters of the heart and soul. He wanted to do everything he could to let Cloud know how he felt, so what more options did he have? He often worried that Cloud still didn’t really know, trust, or understand how important he was to him.

Zack leaned in to carefully kiss Cloud’s upper and lower lip separately, gently calling for Cloud’s attention before he spoke, “Thank you for all the love you give me. I always carry it with me proudly.” 

Cloud’s eyes opened wide, glistening and anchored on Zack with a calm intensity that Zack thought was so typical to Cloud.

“I always feel your support. It helps me to grow and be stronger. I’ve appreciated you in my life since the day we became friends. I hope you feel that I love you too. I really, really do, so very much.” Zack’s voice had been quiet, but at the end he let it fade to a whisper to avoid it cracking from emotion. 

One of Cloud’s hands tightened it’s grip on Zack’s hip, and the other trailed to the back of Zack’s neck and pulled him forward so that their temples touched.

“I can say it now, right?” Cloud asked with a voice that shimmered with different factettes of emotion.

“Yeah you dork.” Zack said with love and nothing else.

“I love you too Zack. I’m so glad you feel like that.” Cloud’s voice was as soft as feather down, full of loving adoration.

Zack pulled away to see Cloud’s face properly again. “Yeah, but do you feel loved? Here?” Zack put his hand on Cloud’s heart.

“Sometimes.” Cloud tried to speak lightly, and then he tried to smooth over the evident gaps in his reply, “Most of the time.”

As soon as he’d said it he regretted not trying to lie. Cloud could see Zack’s concern and disappointment from his hesitance. A guilty, apologetic came to play on Cloud’s face.

“How can I help you feel it?” Zack scattered a few kisses on Cloud’s face before he pressed himself tightly against Cloud in every way that he could.

“I dunno.” Cloud said with regret and returned Zack’s embrace, stirring and reminding them that they were connected.

“Should I fuck it into you?” Zack leaned back and gave a naughty grin. This wasn’t something they would be able to solve immediately anyway, so he filed it away and made light instead.

“Pfft, lewd!” Cloud said with a relieved laughter.

“That, chocobo-butt, is basically a yes.” Zack said, his eyes shifting darker when he started moving his hips more intensely.

Cloud gave a small, nervous laughter and said “We can’t finish here! It’ll be too loud!” 

“Fine, consider this foreplay.” Zack’s eyes were glittering with a cheekiness so bright it made Cloud giggle.

They stayed there for a long time, enjoying each other’s intimate company, moving slowly, drinking the firnberry wine and the water, watching the moon drag across the sky. Eventually they got up and got dressed, snuck past the soundly sleeping Claudia and walked across the empty square to the inn where they gave Jax and Brian a fake report of having been monster hunting.

…

Sephiroth was standing on the upper floor corridor in the inn. There was a window there facing the Shin-Ra mansion, and he’d been staring at it a while. He needed to distance himself to it after digging around there all day. He’d found the cipher to the filing system, and he’d spent all of the previous day pulling out files pertaining to ‘Project S’ and today he had started to read them.

He’d found enough records to be certain that he’d spent time in the mansion as a child. Unfortunately reading about the experiments had brought back all his worst childhood memories that he’s worked so hard to carefully lock away. Especially those with Hojo. It was hard to tell what was worst, the experiments themselves or how Hojo had treated him during them. Either way, all the details of the reason of his multi-layered hate towards Hojo had surfaced, along with the intricacies of his own pitiful excuse of a childhood. 

He desperately missed Angeal, who surely could have advised him on what to do when he actually found all this information. They’d never gotten to that before Angeal ‘left’. He was so absorbed in his thoughts about his findings he didn’t notice Cloud and Zack walking up the stairs of the inn. They both paused when they saw him.

“Hey Seph, how’s it going? Zack asked casually but got no response.

Zack, tactile as he was, let his hand trail along Sephiroth’s arm and asked again. This time Sephiroth noticed and slowly moved his eyes to Zack.

“Yes?” Sephiroth asked in a detached voice.

“Are you ok? Are you finding the things that you’re looking for?” Zack hid his concern and filled his voice with warmth and caring instead.

“I’m finding things, yes.” Sephiroth said, still sounding like he barely understood the question.

“Would you like some help tomorrow?”

“No thank you Zachary.” 

“Alright, well, if you change your mind…” Zack gave a squeeze to Sephiroth’s arm before letting go.

Zack and Cloud exchanged a meaningful look before Zack excused himself and went ahead to their room, giving Cloud and Sephiroth some time.

Cloud stepped hesitantly closer to Sephiroth, feeling that barrier of formality that he’d hoped would be lowered when they were alone. He’d rather pretend it was there than having to break it over and over and over again. It was so awkward every time. Sephiroth rarely helped, leaving him to do all the work alone. It was hurtful.

“Hi.” Cloud tried awkwardly, but got no reply, just an expressionless glare that seemed to wait for him to say more.

“So… we haven’t seen each other ‘like that’ for a while… Would you like to?” Cloud managed not to cringe from his own words. This type of conversation was not his strongest suit.

“Like what?” Sephiroth’s voice came out harsher than intended, but it was preferable to the opposite, he thought. Of course he knew exactly what Cloud alluded to, but found some bizarre pleasure in making him explicate.

“Like this.” Cloud took another step forward, into Sephiroth’s personal space, took Sephiroth’s hand and placed it on the side of his face.

Cloud noticed something dark flutter across Sephiroth’s face while the gloved thumb stroked over his cheek. A moment later a sudden, bitter laughter escaped Sephiroth and he withdrew his hand. Cloud could feel a stab of pain in his chest at the discrepancy between Sephiroth’s touch and his words, again. Gods dammit, he’d really hoped they were past that.

“You shouldn’t keep the mutt waiting.” Sephiroth’s voice had gone cold and hollow again.

“Don’t call him that. It’s alright, he’s alright with me caring for you too.” Cloud tried to show himself unphased.

“Thank you kindly, but I am hardly interested in Zack’s leftovers.” Sephiroth’s said with obvious disgust.

“The time I choose to spend with you is not leftovers. Do you want to see me or not while we’re here? I could-,” Cloud tried to keep a no-bullshit tone, but he was interrupted.

“No, I do not.” Sephiroth interjected coldly. 

Instead of leaving Cloud took Sephiroth’s hand and stood to look out the windows together with Sephiroth in silence. After a few minutes the atmosphere grew warmer, and Cloud thought he could feel the slightest return of pressure in his hand.

“I was there, apparently.” Sephiroth offered, the anger and irritation having left his voice completely.

“Really? At the same time I lived here?” Cloud asked calmly.

“It appears so.” Cloud thought he could pick up weariness in Sephiroth’s voice now.

“It’s hard to imagine.” Cloud said thoughtfully, not sure what to say or what to do.

“Indeed.” Sephiroth said, equally lost in thoughts.

Cloud squeezed the hand in his a little harder and ran his thumbs over the knuckles. He did that for as long as he could until the pain from the rejection flared up in his chest, threatening to overwhelm him.

“Well, I better go. Goodnight Sephiroth.” Cloud let go of the hand, waited an awkward moment for a standard reply that never came, and then he went and joined Zack in their room.

Sephiroth could hear the rugged breath Cloud pulled as soon as the door closed behind them, and Zack’s concerned questions, and words of comfort to Cloud’s restrained sobs.

_“I’m so sorry Cloud, I guess he’s not feeling well.”_

_“No, I’m sorry Zack, it doesn’t seem fair that you should comfort me about this. I’ll be ok, just give me a minute.”_

_“I don’t care if it’s fair or not, of course I’ll want to comfort you. Besides, Seph’s my friend too, and clearly he’s having some issues. It’s important for me to know, right?”_

_“He’s been really distant lately, and he’s turned me down quite a lot, but now he was unusually mean…”_

_“I’m sure it’s not personal. He’s turned me down too. Don’t worry, he’ll come around. He always does. He just needs some time.”_

_“You think so?”_

_“Of course… comeon, let’s get you to bed.”_

The conversation stopped and all Sephiroth could hear was the noses of SOLDIER uniforms being taken off, and then the rustling of sheets. He sighed and turned to step into his own room, heavily lying down on top of the bed fully clothed. He was too tense to undress and get under the sheets. The ones next door clearly weren’t asleep. There was still the quiet the quiet stir of their bedding that entered his ears like stabs from a dull blade.

_“I’m sorry I ruined the mood.”_

_“You didn’t, and it wasn’t your fault anyway.”_ -rustle rustle, sigh-

That’s right. I’d been his fault, Sephiroth thought, and felt some distress at the pettiness he’d displayed in front of Cloud.

_“Hey, I know this might sound like it’s from out of the blue, but it’s not. I’ve been thinking about this since Costa del Sol…” -Rustle, rustle- “Would you want to move in with me?”_

The words hit Sephiroth like a blow in the gut, and he felt dizzy and nauseous in a way that he was most definitely not accustomed to.

_“What, really?”_

Cloud sounded as surprised as he sounded happy and it gave Sephiroth an uncomfortable feeling that he was suddenly sinking, fast. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. He was going to lose them both.

Memories of himself, Angeal, Genesis and Zack laughing came to the forefront of his mind. Times when Genesis had talked about them sharing a house, giving detailed accounts on how he wanted to decorate every room… He’d always known it was a fantasy, a dream, so why was he thinking about it now? He remembered how Zack had indulged Genesis, and they’d gotten into discussions on the gym-equipment. Angeal had had opinions about the garden, and he’d been planning their library. It seemed so long ago. 

Realization that more than he’d known or intended had stuck with him about those dreams. It was suddenly painfully obvious because he felt a sense of loss that was on par with what he’d felt at Angeal’s passing or Genesis leaving. It shocked him to no end where he lied still on top of the soft bed in the nauseatingly drab, dusty smelling room.

_“How would that work? I mean, with Shin-Ra and all?”_

_“Well, you couldn’t really move in officially I guess. You’d have to keep your room for appearances sake, but it has been done before. It’s less paperwork for the administrators to just let that kind of thing slip.”_

Without intending to do so, Sephiroth rolled towards the wall and curled his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. It was a position he’d often ended up in as a child. It had helped him to shut out the rest of the world; the glass wall of the laboratory through which he was constantly observed. It had been a long time since he felt the need to shut the world out like that. Unfortunately, he couldn’t shut out what he heard.

_“What about your other fuck buddies and love interests?”_

_“Jeez, can you be any cruder?”_ -Rustle rustle-. Cloud giggled softly and Zack’s breaths were irregular from whatever he was doing.

_“We’d work it out between us? It’s a hassle to bring people to the tower anyway. Aerith would rather die than visit and I see her most, after you… If we lived together then you have to be comfortable too, right? You’d have as much to say about our arrangement as I do.”_

_“Then yes!”_ No! _“Of course I’d want to live with you!”_ No, this was all wrong. 

He and Zack were supposed to stick together, especially after Angeal and Genesis left. That’s what he’d been expecting. That’s what he’d always relied on. That’s what Zack had made him believe since a long time ago. The four of them, they’d promised they’d stay together, always, and now they’d all let him down. He’d barely processed Genesis and Angeal, how could he possibly lose Zack too? And Cloud who he’d just recently, against all odds, gotten closer to. In his discomfort he started rubbing the hand that Cloud had just held against the rough woollen throw as if trying to scrape away some lingering trace of the touch.

_“Really?! You’d really want that?!”_

He’d never heard Zack sounding quite as happy as that. It made his stomach turn painfully and he curled up tighter and rubbed his hand more frantically.

_“Of course! I mean, I’ve thought about it many times, but I always assumed you wouldn’t want to because of your other relationships.”_

_“For fucks sake Cloud, you’re so fucking self-deprecative sometimes, you know that?”_

When the kissing sounds started Sephiroth pressed his hands against his ears in reflex. It didn’t really help though. His world swam and spun uncertainly while he desperately tried to find a way to cope with it all. Usually he’d been grateful for his enhancements in his adult life, but in that moment he cursed them. He would had done just about anything to be rid of them. He’d done just about anything to be spared from hearing their heartbeats pick up the pace, the incessant rustling of their sheets, their breaths that turned rugged. If he could have, he would have left, but amidst all his distress there was something that kept him still.

_“So… can we pick up where we left off at your mom’s?”_

Shit, he’d forgotten that they’d been to Cloud’s mom. The thought that it should have been him flashed in his mind, but as soon as it did, he saw the absurdity of it: Cloud brining Shin-Ra’s general to introduce as a love-interest to his mother. It was utterly laughable, but instead of laughing he clutched his wrist hard until it hurt enough to distract him from the pain that mercilessly poured in his chest and inflamed the rest of his body.

 _“Yeah. Go on and fuck your love into me.”_ Cloud giggled.

Sephiroth knew that tone of voice well enough to clearly be able to picture Cloud’s face as he said it: his smouldering blue eyes glowing behind long blond eyelashes, and how he would wet his lips after he’d finished those kinds of invitations. Another strong wave of nausea tore through him, incapacitated him. The image abruptly disappeared when he heard the bone of his wrist snap, and the pain that spread up his arm and into his fingers was much more familiar and easier to deal with than everything else. It reminded him of who he was. He was Sephiroth, arguably the most powerful man in Gaia. He didn’t need those two. Pain was nothing to him. He would be ok.

This was what he started telling himself every time he heard Cloud’s repulsive, restrained moans and sighs or Zack’s disgusting groans and showers of affection. He told himself it was a decision to stay and listen, that it was good for him. That it was but another experience to endure, that he would come out on the other side, stronger without them. If he lost his focus, he moved his hand up his arm and snapped another bone. It was nothing. The mako would have healed the breaks by morning. The pain was welcome.

It seemed like their copulation went on for an eternity, but realistically it could have been hours at most, because Cloud and Zack stopped to take over the early morning guard shift. Only then could Sephiroth coax his muscles to shift his position. His left arm was nothing but a swollen, useless, throbbing bag of skin. He felt the swell strain against the sleeve of his coat. Something was stinging his eyes and when his good hand came to examine them, he found they were wet. To his own surprise a long, bitter laugh started deep in his chest and when it started, he couldn’t make it stop. No matter. The exercise was over, and he’d be better for it. He promised himself he would. He owed himself that much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roll end credits to this chapter with Tori Amos - 'She's your cocaine'. But make no mistake, I'm defo my own cocaine.
> 
> But I found a use for italics! J/k I'll put some more italics in in the final edit later. Someone fancying giving me a medal? ;______;
> 
> yours sincerely,  
> facepalm


	26. C/Z In the green glow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zack and Cloud sneak away for a date in Nibelheim. If you squint your eyes you might find something meaningful there amongst all the smut.
> 
> This chapter turned out rather long. It has another blowjob and more fisting, all very consensual.

The next day, Zack suggested that they’d do a patrol round to finish off any monsters in the morning and then he said he had some things to do on his own. The monsters weren’t too fierce, but there were definitely more of them collecting around the mako reactor than anywhere else. When Cloud tried to ask what Zack was doing in the early afternoon, Zack gave him a cheeky look and said he had plans. Cloud didn’t press the matter. He decided to sneak away to his mother’s and do some of the boring maintenance work on her scouring equipment. He’d meet up with Zack in the early afternoon in the northern outskirts of the town.

Zack had a secretive grin and was carrying a rather large backpack when Cloud walked up to him. They started walking up to the path of mt. Nibel but instead of heading towards the top Zack led them off a smaller path to the right that started winding down a sharp slope that took them into the mountain rather than onto it.

“Are we going to the caves? Why? How do you even know about them?” Cloud asked with a mix of excitement, nervousness and anticipation.

“Yep. Kids showed me.” Zack sounded proud and excited.

“They’re pretty annoying. This one kid sent me on a bunch of errands before he’d tell me anything. He had some funny ideas about a ghost painting and blood in the water tower and whatnot!” Zack chuckled, but his eyes sparkled in a way that had no trace of irritation at all.

They walked across the rocky, frostbitten landscape until they reached an opening in the mountain. It looked like a natural crack that seemed to taper off into a tunnel. The walls of the mountain seemed to reflect the fading daylight to an unusual degree, making it seem lighter than it should have been as they headed further in.

“I can imagine!” Cloud smiled at the idea of Zack hanging out with kids all day, certain they’d had him completely charmed.

“Did the kids hang out a lot here when you were a kid too?” Zack kept looking back excitedly at Cloud while he led the way.

“It happened, but if any adults found out we’d usually get into trouble. I mean, I never went with them, but I went a few times alone.” Cloud admired the certainty in Zack’s steps and smiled. He looked so confident even though he’d only just come to town, and here he’d found something of a local secret and walked into it as if it was his second nature. He wondered if he’d ever be able to take the lead as comfortably.

“The first time was like an adventure, but the second time I had to run away from some twin brain-monsters. Scared the shit out of me. Never went back!” Cloud chuckled.

“Well, chocobo-butt, you’ve come a long way.” Zack stopped in the middle of the tunnel and turned to Cloud, taking off Cloud’s helmet. 

“Carry your helmet for a while?” Zack said and went around to cover Cloud’s eyes from behind.

“What? Why?! I pretty much remember what’s down here, you know!” It wasn’t as much a protest as curiosity.

“C’mon, just do it for me?” Zack placed a little kiss into the short spikes at the back of Cloud’s neck and started to usher him forward slowly.

Cloud hummed in light-hearted hesitation and did his best to follow Zack’s lead. They moved forward fairly easily due to their SOLDIER-training which had prepared them for all sorts of synchronised movement, and Cloud found a lot of pleasure in that. They didn’t have to walk more than a few minutes until Zack stopped them and crowded himself against Cloud’s back with more little kisses and then he removed his hands.

Cloud opened his eyes to one of the large caverns that he had expected to find himself in. It was truly a stunning sight that hadn’t lessened over the years. There were multiple pools of natural mako in the ground of the cave, that lit it up in a soft green light, mirrored by the walls that seemed to have a faint glow of their own, presumably from crystallized mako. They were standing in front of a spot by one of the pools where there were dozens of simple oil-lamps merely made out of wicks in shallow bowls filled with oil that lit the cave even brighter, bringing a warm yellow tinge to the green light. Cloud found that the sight brought back that feeling of adventure, and he was really on another adventure again, this time with Zack. It was such a sweet combination, the nostalgia, the beauty and the thrill of spending time with Zack as a lover that he still wasn’t quite used to. He only tore his eyes from the sight when he heard Zack fussing with his backpack.

“Help me with the blanket!” Zack said and nudged Cloud with one edge of the thick woollen bedspreads from the inn.

When it was placed on the ground they both sat on it and Zack continued to unpack a handful of beers, some sandwiches that had way too much filling in proportion to bread, revealing them as Zack’s own handiwork, and a tin that Cloud recognized as one his mother used for cookies.

“So she’s in on this huh?” Cloud grinned sheepishly.

“Yep. Gave me the stuff for the lamps. I snuck an envelope of gil under her cereal boxes in the kitchen. She refused to take it.” Zack laughed and took Cloud’s hand.

“She’s stubborn like that.” Cloud happily shifted closer to Zack so that their thighs were touching.

“Yeah. Seems to be a family trait.” Zack draped his arm around Cloud’s shoulders and received Cloud’s arm around his waist.

“Oh wait, I forgot!” Zack said and fished his PHS out of his pocket. He fidgeted around with it until music started playing, upped the volume a bit and put it down. Soft and steady-paced jazz filled the cave with a natural reverb that gave the old-fashioned music a dreamy feeling.

“Is this the band..- ”

“-that played on our first official date? Yeah!” Zack could feel the corny smile on his face but hoped his enthusiasm would gloss it over. Thankfully Cloud’s smile was the same, and his eyes held a slight excess of water.

“Didn’t know you could be so sappy!” Cloud teased without bite.

“Yeah well, me neither!” Zack laughed and tugged at Cloud who tried to lean his head on Zack’s shoulder but instantly bounced it back when it met the screws on Zack’s pauldron. They shared a surprised glance and more laughter.

”C’mere.” Zack mumbled and tried to pull Cloud in for a kiss. 

Cloud, however, resisted, having other plans. He put his hands to his cheeks and slapped them lightly, stretched them out in the silliest of ways, and then made ridiculous rolling sounds with his lips and stretched his tongue out as far as he could, just like he had before their first kiss. He kept it up until Zack howled and his eyes looked like they were about to pop out.

“Are you ready now, Third Class Strife?” Zack said and rubbed his own face coming down from the laughing fit.

“I am all warmed up and ready to go, First Class Fair.” Cloud said rather seriously and shifted so that their bodies were squared.

Their kiss had a different tone than their banter. It was chaste, lacking tongue, almost hesitant, as if Cloud’s reference had taken them back to their first kiss entirely. As they parted lips for each other more flavours poured into it; kindness, generosity, care and respect. Cloud found it almost odd how tangible the feelings were in such an abstract gesture, but then he put it down to a testament of how well they knew each other. The thought filled him with warmth and his hands found Zack, sliding up his arms to clasp around the back of his neck. The kiss petered out until they were resting brow against brow.

“I love kissing you.” Cloud whispered.

“Me too. Who knew it would turn out such a genius move that first time?” Zack mumbled, sounding both proud and a little embarrassed.

“Truly, Zack, I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve all this.” Cloud gestured around them, but Zack knew there was a double meaning to Cloud’s statement.

“I don’t think it works like that. You’ve earned my trust, you’re my best friend and my…” Zack paused to tell himself to get the fuck on with it, “love, I give you freely. I don’t think it’s something that can be deserved. Do you?” Phew! He drew little circles around Cloud’s knees with his thumbs as if trying to rub the words into them.

“Hmm… maybe not.” Cloud closed his eyes, feeling the colour rise to his cheeks from Zack’s efforts to make him feel loved.

“How about that beer?” Cloud asked to lighten the mood.

“Yup!” Zack ran the tip of his nose along Cloud’s cheek before turning to grab two beers and the sandwiches.

They chatted idly about upcoming video game releases and movies they wanted to see while they ate. Sometimes they would fall into easy, long silences to take in their surroundings with their imposing magnificence.

“I was surprised to notice how the mako smells different here. Not the same as in the reactors at all.” Zack remarked after chewing down the last bit of bread.

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s nicer here, it just smells… earthy. Like minerals or something. Or maybe that’s just the smell of the damp stone?” Cloud flopped down on his back to gaze at the twinkling stone surrounding them.

Zack joined Cloud on the ground and took Cloud’s hand. “It’s weird to think that some of that stuff is inside us now. It seems really far fetched when you see it like this.” Zack ran his thumb over Cloud’s knuckles.

“Yeah, sure does.” Cloud said dreamily and inched closer to Zack until their arms were squeezed between their bodies.

“Can’t keep away, huh?” Zack turned his face and grinned.

Cloud shrugged with a grin of his own, turned to his side and propped himself up on an elbow. He ran the pad of his index finger along the contours of Zack’s face, making it twitch and scrunch up occasionally. When it brushed over Zack’s lips Zack caught it between his teeth and let the tip of his tongue touch it. Zack opened his eyes just in time to see Cloud’s smile drop from his face with a surprised little whine. They looked at each other dumbly and then more laughter followed.

Zack grabbed Cloud’s finger with his hand and kissed it. “You’re so easy!”

“Yeah, for you, maybe!” Cloud giggled and bent down to press his tongue quickly in and out of Zack’s mouth.

“Good to know! Hey, do you wanna dance?” Zack’s hand was threaded in Cloud’s golden spikes so habitually he didn’t even notice doing it himself.

“Do I?” Cloud mused while swinging his leg slowly over Zack, sitting himself with legs astride Zack’s waist.

“Hmm… Dance…” Cloud looked like he was tasting the word in his mouth, but his fingers were sliding the zipper of Zack’s top down.

“Dance? Hmm…” He carefully rolled the fabric of Zack’s top to the sides, hooking it under the leather suspenders and pushed those aside too, until Zack’s perpetually sun-kissed chest was bared.

Cloud bent down and hummed over Zack’s left nipple, letting his warm breath contrast the cold air that neither of them could have been comfortable in without their enhancements. Zack folded his arms behind his head and settled comfortably to observe Cloud’s playful undertakings.

“Do you want to dance...?” Cloud said in a low, hushed tone that suggested he had something else in mind while he let his lips brush against Zack’s untouched skin, making Zack flinch ever so slightly.

Zack began a low chuckle but before it finished, Cloud had closed his mouth over the nipple and was carefully sucking it into his mouth, letting the flat of his tongue help lift it up. Zack jolted as if he’d been hit with electricity, his back arched up and ground into Cloud’s backside. A high-pitched whine immediately escaped him.

Cloud let the nipple go with a kissing sound, waited until Zack’s eyes landed on him again and then asked, “Do you?” in that tone that absolutely dripped of sex.

Not knowing what to say, Zack’s mouth fell open and he stared vacantly at Cloud, waiting for the next thing to happen. Cloud opted for reaching his hands back and raking his fingers like claws up Zack’s legs through the sturdy fabric of the uniform pants. 

“Well?” 

The tone Cloud’s voice sometimes got so intense when he got into these moods, Zack thought. Almost demanding. So fucking hot. Surprisingly enough, it reminded him a bit of Angeal. His and Angeal’s relationship had definitely had a demanding aspect as long as he’d been Angeal’s student. After that, he’d only seen it when things were very serious or when playing in the bedroom. The thought that Angeal and Cloud shared some of that same quality warmed him. He was so glad for every instance he could think of Angeal without it being painful. When Cloud raised his hips to cup Zack’s groin and squeeze it, he eagerly shook his head with a smile. The chance to dance was a thing of the past.

Cloud folded himself at the hips to start playing with Zack’s nipple again. He carefully circled it with his tongue, giving the flesh a little nip whenever Zack had been quiet for too long.

The ground felt firm and comforting under Zack when he pressed the back of his head into it. When he could feel Cloud’s teeth ever so gently on his nipple along with Cloud’s warm breath and the slippery wetness of his tongue and the cold air being pushed against wet skin he thought he’d lose his mind. It was too much and at the same time, not nearly enough.

Cloud thoroughly enjoyed the way Zack stretched out under him, for him, and thought it was the loveliest thing ever. He caressed Zack’s beautifully outstretched neck and over Zack’s chest that was offered up to him with such trust and commitment. He could feel the heat of Zack’s body bloom under his touch. With a little parting nip to Zack’s nipple, Cloud instead licked up his chest and neck until his face hovered above Zack’s.

A moment of playful suspense followed before a smile flickered on Cloud’s face and he bent down to gently bite Zack’s lower lip.

“What’s gotten into you?!” Zack asked on a half-choked laugh while grabbing Cloud’s hips to gain resistance to his rolling hips, but Cloud pulled away. They had a quick, fervent struggle about it until Zack sighed, laughed and gave in to Cloud’s stubbornness.

A finger stroked along Zack’s ear before Cloud whispered into it, “Not much. Would you like to remedy that, Mr. Fair?” Zack groaned at Cloud’s playfully wicked voice and the little suggestive licks to his ear.

“I have a better idea.” Zack brought his hands up to undo Cloud’s belts and pants while keeping his heated gaze on Cloud. He tugged the pants open and pushed the underwear down to start running his fingertips up and down Cloud’s half-hardness.

“Come into me.” Zack said with a confident, seductive voice that in every way measured up to Cloud’s.

That Zack could say these things so shamelessly normally went straight to Cloud’s cock and this time was no different. Zack noticed, and his eyes glazed over in lust with Cloud’s response. Cloud bent down and slowly started tracing his tongue over Zack’s lips, teasing them open. He didn’t bother to dampen his own pleasured moans produced by Zack's hands on his quickly stiffening cock. He let his tongue enjoy the different textures in Zack’s lovely mouth, imagining how they’d feel around him with all their warm, slippery, generous wetness. Cloud felt his determination to tease melt away, replaced only with a will to melt into Zack.

When Cloud felt dizzy from being denied more traction from Zack’s hands he finally broke the kiss. Zack placed a smug peck at his cheek and whispered, “Lube in the side pocket,” and nodded to the backpack.

Cloud clumsily stood up to find their constant, tubed companion. When he turned back, lube in hand, Zack was expectantly standing behind him.

“May I?” Zacks hands came to the buckles of Cloud’s uniform harness.

Cloud smiled at how carefully Zack was undressing him. It made him feel cherished. He leaned into Zack, kept his face close enough to feel Zack’s breaths on his face, revelling in them, longing for everything that was about to happen. Zack’s hands stroked him everywhere he could after peeling the fabrics away. Zack even managed to remove his boots in a way that turned him on. Cloud hummed softly in appreciation where he stood swaying and spoiled. Zack looked him over with an amused, aroused glance and gave a loud, open-mouthed kiss to Cloud’s knee.

When Cloud was freed from his clothes, he glanced around them in slight embarrassment, knowing that that the odd visitor might come by. But when he saw Zack’s impossibly warm blue eyes, he found himself unbothered. He returned the favour of undressing his lover, every bit as attentive as Zack had been.

“Can I ask for something selfish?” Zack asked and pulled Cloud to him by the hips, a hesitant look on his face.

“Of course,” Cloud’s mind was on Zack’s hardness that pressed wet into his lower abdomen.

“Could you fuck me really hard? As if you were claiming me? Make me feel like I’m yours, you know? Just… a game of pretend.” Zack spoke with a shy smile, but Cloud thought he caught a glimpse of guilt.

Cloud could feel himself tense up in reaction to Zack’s words. It had not been what he expected, and he had to crawl through the haze of lust he’d been in to process. He rested his head against Zack’s shoulder and kissed it, letting the request sink in for a short moment. Zack who’d always been so adamant about their independence. His request seemed somewhat out of character. Then again, their relationship and their lives were complicated. Maybe Zack just wanted to pretend life was simple enough to be his, and that would be it. ‘Happily ever after’, like a fairy tale. What would be the harm in that?

“I’ll do my best.” Cloud turned his face for a kiss, and when Zack’s lips met his, he filled his lungs with air, wished the dream of a simple life where he and Zack had met outside of Shin-Ra into it, and breathed it into their kiss. He licked the potent heat of simplicity into Zack. He moved his tongue with furious longing until Zack swayed uncertainly where they stood, then he pulled away.

“Lie down for me.” Cloud willed his desire into his eyes and tried to warm Zack’s skin with it, like Zack’s beaming smile always did for him.

Zack looked dazed and relieved when he lay down, his arms welcoming Cloud to sit across his chest. Cloud leaned forward to touch Zack’s face with his fingertips, the back of his fingers, Zack’s beautiful face that he would never ever tire of. He felt himself having second thoughts on laying claims though. How could he possibly claim someone that he loved so much? Pretend to own a person? He might have had those kinds of thoughts before he met Zack, but now it seemed absurd. He genuinely wanted Zack to feel free so that their relationship could be a choice, not a tether. That’s the way he’d come to think about him and Zack, and Sephiroth too for that matter. Sure, it was hard work, but at least it was real. Without realizing it, his thought had his face in a frown.

“Cloud?” Zack ran his hands up Cloud’s thighs, to squeeze his hips with reassurance.

“Sorry!” Cloud’s eyes quickly refocused. “I… err… I don’t know if I can pretend to ‘claim’ you after all. You’ve been so careful to keep your independence, and I’ve worked so hard to accommodate that. I thought we’re in a good place…” Cloud blurted with guilt and uncertainty.

Zack sighed and rubbed his face with one of his hands, but the other one stayed with Cloud, still reassuring.

“No, don’t be sorry. I knew I was being selfish. I knew it would be confusing. I’m sorry. Shit!” Zack sighed again, clearly annoyed with himself.

Cloud’s face relaxed into a small smile. “Okay, how about you tell me why you asked, instead of apologizing?”

Zack opened his eyes and he too broke into a cautious smile, grateful for Cloud’s kindness and patience, and the little roll in Cloud’s hips that let him know that he hadn’t spoiled the mood. 

“I guess… a part of me does want to belong to you. I guess it’s been… now that we’re here in your hometown and I met your mom…” Zack’s smile turned sad around the edges.

Cloud picked up on Zack’s insecurity with some surprise, desperately trying not to show it on his face. Gods dammit, it wasn’t as if he didn’t know this about Zack, he just forgot about it with all of Zack’s confidence.

“Okay, okay, I get it.” Cloud murmured.

“No, I should have-”

“Shut up Zack. It’s not as if I’m overly bothered.” Cloud took Zack’s hands and put them on his chest and let them trail down to his very prominent arousal.

“See?” He let a little gasp escape his lips and blinked his wide eyes when Zack’s hands closed around him for emphasis.

Zack hummed pensively while his face broke into a wide grin. His worries drained from his eyes, replaced by mirth and anticipation.

“Did you want this?” Cloud bit his lower lip and reached down to swipe up some of his own pre-cum on his finger and spread it over Zack’s lips.

Zack’s eyes went glossy and Cloud could feel Zack roll his hips into nothing behind him. “Yeah…” Zack whined and suddenly looked like he was going to burst into tears. He really looked like a puppy sometimes, Cloud thought.

“Perv.” Cloud giggled at his adorable and easily excitable boyfriend. Zack’s grin returned and he licked his lips.

Cloud looked around, found the lube and pressed it into Zack’s hand, knowing that Zack would want to touch himself. He couldn’t resist reaching his hand back to Zack’s hard-on, run his fingernails softly up it and collect some of Zack’s precum and bring it to his own mouth, all while looking Zack dead in the eyes. He bent forward to taste those lips one more time, letting their tastes mingle before sitting up and pressing the pad of his index finger on Zack’s lower lip to press Zack’s mouth open.

“Are you thinking about that time you kissed me with your mouth full of cum?” Cloud’s eyes narrowed with suspicion.

“Yeah,” Zack whined in overplayed embarrassment.

Cloud’s eyes darkened with lustful triumph. “Me too.” 

Cloud brought his hips forward, placed his hands on the blanket above Zacks head to lower himself over Zack’s mouth. He stopped when the tip of his leaking erection touched Zack’s lips. Zack kissed it in welcome, let his tongue come out to wet it, trying to coax it inside. Cloud stayed still though, to savour the fortune of his fantasies about Zack’s mouth turning real. Zack’s mouth was always incredible, not only because of how good Zack was with it, but because it also turned Zack on to no end. It had taken a while for Cloud to grasp exactly how much, but eventually he’d just accepted it as a fact of life. 

Cloud heard the familiar sound of lube being opened behind him. He waited until he could hear it being closed again until sinking himself deeper into Zack’s mouth. A good idea, judging from Zack’s muffled groaning of approval. Cloud kept his moving range shallow to keep them both wanting more. The indecent, wet noises and Zack’s moaning around him filled his head with the rousing imagery of what Zack might be doing to himself behind his back. Only then did he notice in back of his mind that the music had gone silent.

“You’re so good, feel so good…” Cloud murmured, barely hearing himself over the hammering in his chest. 

Zack made an unintelligible reply and let one of his hands land on Cloud’s ass with a crack to push Cloud down, deep into his throat. Cloud’s surprised cry quickly turned pleasured, especially since he was held there with Zack’s throat tightening around him. Cloud was held in place for so long he made an effort to pull out. Instead he was granted slick, gently probing fingers against his opening. In momentary surprise Cloud managed a few half-hearted protests. Another smack to his ass and two fingers entering him to charge his throbbing bundle of nerves made him go still, but definitely not quiet. 

Cloud’s moans quickly rose in pitch until he was a high-strung, shivering mess that only managed helpless whimpers. Zack swallowing him so forcefully and invading him so sweetly quickly overloaded his senses until Zack was his only understanding of existence. With that, he came apart in a shattering orgasm that stole his breath, his mind, his sense of self, all his troubles and fears and all the pain in the world, leaving only Zack’s hand on the small of his back to keep him together while he spilled himself into the depths of Zack’s throat. He was kept in place through most of the aftershocks, Zack skilfully stroking his insides throughout his orgasm, drawing it out to something impossibly sweet. The tenderness, his overloaded senses, the insane rush of endorphins that made his skin feel as if microscopic firecrackers were exploding all over became too much, and Cloud couldn’t stop his body from starting to contort in overwhelmed sobs. Only then was he gently guided out of Zack’s mouth and into his arms.

“Cloud? You okay?” Zack said trying to sound as neutral as possible, though part of him wanted to tease and part of him wanted to comfort just in case.

Instead of replying, Cloud started laughing. It would have sounded heartfelt and lovely except for the crying, Zack still found it endlessly endearing and couldn’t help but to chime in with chuckles. He pulled Cloud closer and nuzzled his face into those golden spikes, reassured and happy from Cloud squeezing him right back.

“Where the hell is your gag reflex?” was the first thing Cloud blurted as soon as he’d calmed down. This of course, only induced one thing: more laughter along with little playful pecks landing wherever they could reach. Cloud propped himself up, arms folded on top of Zack’s chest.

“You’re unbelievable, you know that?” Cloud said sounding a bit confused, like there were too many meanings to fit the words and he couldn’t pick which one he wanted to indicate.

Shrugging and grinning, Zack clearly delighted in his partner’s afterglow.

Cloud wrapped his arms around Zack’s neck again and placed his lips beside Zack’s ear and whispered, “Thank you.”

“Pffft, chocobo-butt.” Zack rolled them in small movements from side to side with a playful outburst of energy, again reminding Cloud of an excited puppy.

“You don’t have to thank me for stuff like this.”

“I know, but I want to!” Cloud giggled and lifted his head so that they could kiss again. Zack moaned into the kiss and rubbed his hardness against Cloud’s thighs. He wasn’t exaggerating, but the message was clear.

“Oh no, what’s this?!” Cloud slipped his hand down between them and closed it firm around Zack’s throbbing length, making Zack’s breath hitch.

Cloud started kissing a trail down Zack’s body, enjoying the beautiful sight of the pink blush that tinted him. He already looked ready to erupt at any time, so Cloud held his grip firm while enjoying the writhing, moaning and gasping. He made himself comfortable between Zack’s legs, stroking the softer, paler skin of his inner thighs while letting his teeth slowly graze over Zack’s cock.

“You’re so amazingly hard.” Cloud murmured against the straining skin and licked over Zack’s frenulum which was sticky with pre-cum. Zack’s entire body quivered and so did his pleading moans.

Cloud sat back on his knees and slowly released his grip on Zack, instead letting his hands roam in generous caresses over Zack’s legs, squeezing his feet, brushing light fingertips over the back of Zack’s knees. He lifted Zack’s legs to plant his feet on the ground to make him more comfortable and continued his caressing until Zack’s breaths evened out.

“How would you like to come, Zack?” Cloud asked softly and let the pad of his index finger meet Zack’s erection as it twitched, lifting up from Zack’s stomach. Zack raised his head to look at Cloud but his eyes were glazed over and he only gave an absent, blissful half-lidded stare. A little undecided groan escaped him, which made Cloud chuckle softly.

“Should I ride you?” Cloud purred and let the back of his fingernails trail up Zack’s bucking length. Zack gave a little shake to his head.

“Should I stroke you?” Cloud closed his hand firm at the base of Zack’s cock again. A breathy moan formed deep in Zack’s chest, but he shook his head again.

“Should I fuck you?” Cloud let his hand trail to Zack’s opening and found it wet and soft. Zack let up a hankered sob and nodded.

Cloud found the lube, slicked his fingers and let two fingers slip inside Zack’s soft warmth. 

“Is this what you were doing when you had my cock down your throat?” Cloud made himself form the embarrassing words and pressed into Zack’s noticeably swollen prostate, knowing how much that kind of talk turned Zack on.

“Yeah,” Zack said on a moan while squirming into Cloud’s hand. Cloud smiled adoringly at his eager lover and slipped a third finger past the pliable muscles of Zack’s rim.

“Gods, please… more Cloud…” Zack’s breaths were absolutely heaving, and his whole body moved as if entranced by the pace of Cloud’s stroking. Cloud carefully brought the three fingers apart inside Zack, stretching him even wider.

“How are you so soft?” Cloud marvelled and gave Zack a few absentminded strokes with his free hand while carefully easing his pinkie finger inside. Zack quickly removed Cloud’s hand off of his cock and held on to it while his back arched in deep, laboured breaths.

“Mmmh, earlier… showers…” Zack mumbled with closed eyes and squeezed Cloud’s hand.

“Shocking!” 

Zack chuckled at his remark and he could feel Zack’s insides close tight around his fingers from the soft laughter. It was marvellous, and he carefully curled his fingers up to brush over Zack’s prostate in a slow rhythm. Zack’s sounds turned desperately needy while he fought himself to stay still, occasionally wording his pleasure and letting Cloud’s name spill from his lips.

“Feels so good,” Zack mumbled and tugged on Cloud’s hand while raising his upper body, one arm behind him for support.

“Kiss me.” Zack placed Cloud’s hand behind his neck. Cloud felt himself falling for Zack’s acute longing for closeness and kissed him as if he was trying to devour him. It was so overwhelming to have Zack so wound up for him, so responsive, so accommodating, it was entirely intoxicating. Cloud felt Zack firmly grabbing his wrist of the hand inside him, only to shove it in further, making himself moan desperately into their kiss. Zack felt Cloud tense up, quickly tore himself form the kiss.

“I want it, please” he pleaded and eagerly started guiding Cloud’s hand, clearly exciting himself with his own words and actions. “Feels so good…” 

Cloud leaned back to watch Zack’s beautiful, rhythmic movements and breathing, and the bizarreness of such a large portion of his hand disappearing into his lover’s body. Everything he saw and heard told him that Zack was enjoying himself to the very fullest. Still, his mind took him to that night of his own first time when Sephiroth had ended up fisting him, and how the memory had never stopped being complicated and painful, regardless of how their relationship had developed after that. Had he looked the same as Zack? Hadn’t he begged for it too? He could feel his chest ache painfully with anxious worry.

“Zack? Zack!” Cloud’s tone was troubled, and Zack immediately shifted his focus from himself to Cloud.

“I’m afraid I’ll hurt you,” Cloud whispered, feeling defeated and put his face to Zack’s, knowing he was being irrational.

“Why would you think that?” Zack whispered and kissed Cloud’s cheek a little less decently than was fitting for his words.

“Should we stop?” Zack added quickly but failed to mask his disappointment at the idea, which probably was the most convincing thing Cloud could have heard.

“No, can you just… reassure me and tell me what to do?” Cloud smiled again when he felt Zack surge and sigh with renewed anticipation.

“Mmmh, of course,” Zack mumbled with relief and gratitude, and slipped his tongue inside Cloud’s mouth, ravishing it until Cloud had to pull away from it panting and giggling, smitten with Zack’s enthusiasm.

Zack pulled Cloud close and started guiding Cloud with gestures and words, urging Cloud to trust what he saw, felt and heard instead of focusing on his worries. It took an effort but with Zack’s help, Cloud got more and more comfortable with what they were doing. Zack’s kind, patient, grateful words, his beautiful, aroused and strained sounds, constant kisses and heated breaths kept Cloud in the moment until they both felt like part of an entangled knot bodies, there under the mineral sky full of green glowing stars.

“Fold your thumb to your palm,” Zack mumbled engrossed and pressed absent minded kisses to Cloud’s brow. “Push… stop,” he paused, “mmmh yeah, more… stop… just like that.” Zack finally allowed himself to fall to his back to be able to relax better.

Cloud pushed in when Zack was relaxed, stopped when Zack clenched down on him, occasionally letting himself slip out again, after all the intent wasn’t to reach some end-goal, not really. This was all about Zack, and Zack seemed entirely lost in pleasure again, his hands running over his own body, teasing his own nipples, absentmindedly pulling his own hair, biting his own hand… and Cloud got it. It was impossible to ignore the trust and intimacy of what they were doing when he saw Zack slowly but surely taking his hand into his body. It seemed nearly miraculous, like some old pagan magic of the flesh. Like that, Cloud did eventually find himself with his hand up to his wrist inside Zack.

“What do I do now?” Cloud asked and let his free hand stroke up and down Zack’s leg and up over his taut stomach where the pre-cum was so plentiful it was streaming down Zack’s side.

Zack hummed with his deep, rhythmic breathing, and flicker of a knowing smile passed his face. “Move small and slow.”

Cloud started to carefully twist, push and pull his hand around, reading Zack’s responses, soaking up Zack being so open for him while he was in such a perfect position to see it so clearly. Everything about Zack seemed to be resonate with his hand: Zack’s movements, heartbeat, breathing, the twitching of his cock, and his grip around Cloud. It almost gave Cloud the illusion of having control over Zack’s body.

“Give me your hand,” Cloud tapped Zack’s stomach lightly to call for attention. He had to ask again before Zack responded.

Cloud lifted Zack’s hand by one finger only and placed it on Zack’s constantly leaking cock. “One finger only.”

Zack looked up in confusion, but he found Cloud’s gaze so heated it sent shivers through him, he started to try to please himself as best as he could with the inadequate stimulation one finger could provide. Cloud let his movements intensify in time with Zack’s moans and muffled half-screams until he could feel Zack’s entire body quaking and ready to burst.

“Stop,” Cloud said, his voice ringing out commanding and playful, content with Zack freezing under him. Cloud made his will clear by gently lifting Zack’s hand to his side. Zack sobbed and swore in frustration, filling the air between them with his desperate need.

When Zack had calmed, Cloud started building him up again. “Two fingers,” inviting Zack to play with his own body again.

Zack shot Cloud a glance containing fury, desperation and wonderous delight, but he wasted no time. Soon they’d made a roaring, throbbing mess out of Zack again. They played like this until Zack could barely level out in the moments of stillness and eventually, he took Cloud’s hand in his own. At that point Cloud could feel the unbearable pressure of his own arousal, enthralled by the enraptured, dishevelled beauty before him.

“I’ll come, but don’t stop. Just keep going,” was all Zack could manage. Cloud gave Zack’s hand an affirming squeeze and watched Zack’s shivering hand close around his throbbing self.

Together they started to push Zack towards release. Cloud had never seen Zack so raw before. The deep groans he let up seemed to originate somewhere in the centre of Zack’s chest. The way his body rose and fell, his skin tinged with a deep red. The sight carved itself into Cloud, leaving him defenceless and bared. Zack’s entire body was rocking with Cloud’s small punches, and Zack’s hold on his hand was crushing. Before he needed to protest, Zack urgently placed Cloud’s hand on his stomach and wheezed, “keep me still”. 

Cloud could feel Zack’s orgasm approaching like a tidal wave tearing through Zack’s body. He could feel Zack’s legs trying to push him off the ground, and he had to shift his weight onto the hand on Zack’s stomach in order to keep him on the ground. Waves of pleasure crashed into Zack who broke under him, for him, in a silent scream overwhelmed by the unrefined gluttony of the flesh. Zack spasming around his hand seemed to spread the waves up his arm and into his body, pulling him into the same ocean of pleasure. His breath got stuck, and without even realizing he let his own hips crash into the back of his hand which was enough to make him spill a second time with a warmth that blended perfectly with Zack’s.

Cloud continued grinding the fullness of his fist relentlessly into Zack’s prostate, through Zack’s jolts and desperate sobs, given confidence by Zack’s hand on his that kept a firm pressure. It didn’t take long before he could feel another wave building in his lover. It broke abruptly and had Zack screaming, convulsing, gushing streams of clear fluid in forceful, stuttering spurts that soaked himself and made a glorious mess of everything.

When Zack’s hand on Cloud’s started to feel lighter, Cloud stilled his movements until Zack was still and panting on the ground. Cloud let his free hand start roaming firmly over Zack’s tense muscles, encouraging them to relax further. It was perfect, they were perfect, the moment was perfect.

Zack opened his eyes slowly and broke into a wide smile when he found Cloud’s wondrous and adoring gaze. He reached his hand down and grazed his his fingers along where Cloud’s wrist met his entrance and smiled wickedly, making Cloud blush. Then he grabbed Cloud’s wrist and brazenly pulled Cloud’s hand free with an impatience that had himself wincing and gasping.

“Fucks sake, Zack!” Cloud chided, but Zack just laughed and pulled Cloud to lie on top of him, making the bodily fluids that covered him splash and dribble.

“You made a mess,” Cloud mumbled and looked into those warm, blue eyes, looking both amused and vaguely troubled.

“The best kind,” Zack replied and pulled Cloud to him for a kiss, giggling into it when Cloud slipped around on top of him.

Cloud pulled away and tried to sound stern. “I want a cleaning schedule.”

“Fine.” Zack grinned.

“And a proper laundry basket.”

“Done.”

“Separate blankets.”

“Never!” Zack laughed, rolled them around until he had Cloud pinned under him, and then rubbed himself all over Cloud, making him just as messy.

“Ewww!” Cloud squirmed but couldn’t keep from laughing. “You brought towels didn’t you?!”

“Yep!” Zack was absolutely beaming.

“You’re such a perv!” Cloud could absolutely not summon any sternness again.

“Yeah, for you maybe.” Everything about Zack softened.

“Oh… Well, I think I can live with that.” Cloud’s hands nestled into black, damp spikes, slowly pulling Zack’s face closer, letting Zack’s eyes take him to the never-ending, blue summer skies.

“Yeah?” Zack sounded so hopeful, so happy, pulling at the likeness of a happy puppy again.

“Yeah.” Cloud smiled with a rare burst of confidence. Perhaps Zack’s had rubbed off on him at last.

When their lips met again, they could feel the expanse of their future wide at their feet. Every step they’d taken had seemed easy once they’d been ready to step forward. In the end, being together seemed as natural as breathing. So easy, so safe. The feeling of belonging was so strong it felt inevitable; they were meant to be. They were home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled with this chapter, and have completely lost perspective on it. Any feedback would be very welcome.
> 
> This chapter has been lovingly betaed with the help the wonderful and fantastic [Cate Sith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CateSith).


	27. C/S/Z Doing the wrong thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zack finds Sephiroth in the library in the Shin-Ra mansion. It does not go down well. It didn't seem like such a far-fetched idea to send Cloud down to try again the next day. When Zack goes looking for them some hours later, he finds out that that went down even worse.
> 
> This chapter contains rape and multi-levelled abusive behaviour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been lovingly betaed and named by the hooting riot [Cate Sith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CateSith). The rest of this fic is in the process of getting updates with beta-reads and overhauls.

Sephiroth was standing in the secret library in the cellar of the Shin-Ra mansion in Nibelheim. The desk in the room was covered in books, and piles of books and document files were on the floor. 

He was reading up on Project S, and had gotten a good grasp on both that and its sister project, Project G. He’d learned about his, Genesis’ and Angeal’s alien cells, and how they allowed for his mako concentration which, according to the documents, were so high they’d had to make new equipment to measure it. His blood in particular had corroded the outdated instruments. It explained why Angeal and Genesis had been his only matches in strength, and why the staff in the lab had feared him so terribly. They’d always regarded him with a horrendous mixture of pity, fear and disgust, always poorly plastered over with politeness.

All throughout the day he'd had a sinking feeling while reading. The hints were there, but he’d tried to look away from them. Learning about the Jenova cells was enough for one day. The details of the Project S start-up he could leave for the next.

…

Cloud and Zack had made it back from the caves just in time for a shower and their guard duty. Their eager plan-making for moving in together turned to a rather serious conversation about Sephiroth. They were both worried from what they’d seen from the other day. They both knew that them moving in together would be a sensitive topic. The discussion of what they could do to avoid making Sephiroth feel excluded ended up lasting the majority of their shift. Zack, being the one who’d known Sephiroth for the longest, took it upon himself to find Sephiroth during the following day in order to offer support, as well as for a chance to gain some insight into how they should proceed with telling him about their plans for the future.

…

After having downed his morning coffee at the Inn and forcing down some concentrated nutrients, Sephiroth was back in the Shin-Ra manor’s library. He was holding the documentation describing the beginnings of the project named after himself: Project S. He’d seen the implications of it in yesterday’s reading, but he’d tried to look away from them. Tried his best to hope that he’d been wrong, but now he was holding the document that confirmed it. The document of the agreement Hojo had with Shin-Ra. The document stating that Hojo had given Shin-Ra ownership of his own offspring in exchange for financing whatever experiments Hojo had wanted to conduct on it. It. It clearly referred to the Test Subject S as an “it”. Test subject Sephiroth.

He heard the paper split the air apart as it fell to the floor. He carefully arranged his face and his posture before he walked out of the library, through the cellar, walking past whatever ghouls were hiding in the shadows, through the dusty rooms until he stood outside. He started circling the building to the right, and when he’d turned the first corner, out of sight for anyone who might approach the building. He placed a hand on the tired, beige tiles and let his weight collapse against it. Crushed by his newfound ancestry, he folded over at the hips and threw up the contents of his stomach so forcefully he wouldn’t have been surprised if his innards had joined in their journey towards freedom. He so wished he could find a way out of the confines of his biology too.

In all the comforting scenarios he’d imagined as a child, and even into adulthood, the possibility that he hadn’t been abandoned by his family never came into play. Memories of all the times he’d cried over Hojo’s coldness while he’d been put through experiments, torture training and endless, truly endless horrors tore at his understanding of what being human meant. And the other lab workers, they’d known. That’s what he’d seen yesterday in the transcriptions, little hints and questions, almost passing for nothing at all. So many that had been around him while he grew up in those labs had known that Hojo was his father, and no one ever told him or had properly spoken up for him.

He wasn’t prepared for the eventuality that his family never left him. That his own father had been the greatest source of his suffering, as well the source of his very existence. The thought that he might have been created with the only purpose of suffering at his father’s hands had him collapsing onto the dead, yellow grass. He yanked off his gloves and put his hands to his face. It felt wrong. He could tell it was gruesomely twisted. Unaware of it, his fingers touched his eyes, still instinctively expecting tears, but none came. 

Instead came the memory of a glowing wire, approaching his eye until it was an unfocused orange glow. Hojo had explained that the procedure was for sealing his weakness away. Someone else working at the labs had objected when he’d started screaming in terror and asked that he’d be sedated or at least allowed some pain relief. Hojo had calmly explained that it was for the boy’s own benefit to feel as much as possible. That the boy should be grateful for another opportunity to practice enduring pain. He had yet to find the report that evaluated the results of that particular experiment.

He stayed there on the ground until night fell, paralyzed by the labour of adjusting his own memories to the fact that he’d been raised by family after all. It was so much worse than anything he’d ever expected to find, and the unexpected grief was absolutely crippling.

…

Zack went searching for Sephiroth that afternoon but couldn’t find him anywhere. He’d looked at the reactor, the mansion, including the basement, and asked around town. He’d thought he’d heard someone puking outside the mansion, but he put it down to the local drunks. Every town had their own. Gongaga certainly had. Or maybe kids that had eaten too much sugar. He pulled up his PHS, looking to join Cloud on patrol instead. Who knew where the next dragon was going to spawn? Better safe than sorry. He’d try again the next day.

In the evening, Cloud and Zack ended up drinking in the local tavern, and Cloud had gotten inebriated enough to take off his helmet. No one dared to approach them though. Cloud put it down to two SOLDIERs still being quite an intimidating sight. Especially if the locals weren’t paying attention to their heated discussion being on the arbitrary topic of the latest movie adaption of one of their shared favourite superhero comic books. Zack claimed it was too political, and Cloud made a passionate argument that it would have been stripped of its meaning otherwise.

… 

The next day, Zack went to search for Sephiroth again, bringing lunch with him for them to share. He found Sephiroth in the basement of the Shin-Ra mansion, in the library room, but not quite in the state that he expected. The room was messier than it had been the day before, piles of books and files everywhere. Sephiroth’s hair was mussed, the air was thick and stale, as if Sephiroth had been in there for days.

“Seph?” Zack hesitantly stopped by the end of the corridor that opened up to the circular library room. He felt concern growing in his chest at seeing his friend amongst such disarray. Sephiroth gave no response where he sat at a desk, pouring over a thick book.

“Seph? I brought lunch.”

When Sephiroth still did nothing to acknowledge Zack’s presence, Zack put the container with the food down and walked over to the desk. He gently put his hand on Sephiroth’s shoulder which earned him a short glance, but nothing more. Zack frowned with worry. This wasn’t what Sephiroth normally was like, especially not with him. He took off his gloves, put them on the desk and started to comb his fingers through the long silver hair, something he knew not many people were allowed to do. He’d come to understand it as something specific to his and Sephiroth’s relationship.

“Are you okay?” Zack asked, trying to sound as neutral as possible so that the question had no chance of being misinterpreted as patronizing.

“Fine,” Sephiroth replied in a very dismissive tone and swatted Zack’s hands away.

“What are you reading?” Zack sat himself at the edge of the desk, close enough to Sephiroth to invade his private space, still trying to coax Sephiroth to take a break.

“What does it matter to you?” Sephiroth answered in what Zack thought of as his business-voice.

“Of course it matters. We’re friends, right? And you seemed… distraught the other day. I tried to find you yesterday too…” Zack put his hand on Sephiroth’s arm, but it was immediately shrugged off. The unexpected, short, furious glance this earned him made his chest pang. He’d seldom seen Sephiroth express such blatant anger, and it had never been directed towards him. Something was clearly wrong. Instead of trying for more conversation he started to look around at the files and the books. There were some that were dealing with the history of The Ancients, most of the files were lab reports or transcriptions of experiments, some were on exobiology. 

One paper was alone and exposed, out of its folder, sitting on the corner of the desk. Zack picked it up reflexively. It took several seconds of blank staring before he realized what kind of document it was. Paperwork had never been his strong suit after all, but he’d seen these types of documents before. It was a legal agreement between Shin-Ra and Hojo. He skipped to the bottom, just above the signature where he knew a summary of the agreement would be stated. ‘Ownership of the biological specimen Sephiroth is hereby transferred from Prof. A. Hojo to the Shin-Ra Electric Company. In exchange Prof. A. Hojo will be appointed head of Project S with a funding minimum of 10 million gil per year.’ After that there was a dull-looking signature and a date stamp that roughly corresponded with Sephiroth’s age.

Zack stared blankly at the document. His first thought was that it must be fake. A joke? But it looked real, and who would find such a joke funny? It had to be real. He didn’t know much about Hojo, but he knew enough to hate the man from the bottom of his heart just from the way he carried himself in the laboratories. Because of his involvement with the SOLDIER project, Zack had already met the man more times than he’d wished to. He also knew that Hojo was Sephiroth’s least favourite person on Gaia, and that he had overseen Sephiroth in the labs since, well, since birth apparently. Zack had to steady himself on the desk while waiting for a wave of nausea to pass. What now? What was the right thing to do? He stared at his dear friend who was still set on ignoring his presence. The sight made his heart bleed. Zack walked the few, heavy steps to invade Sephiroth’s personal space again and put the paper down carefully on top of the book Sephiroth was reading.

“Hey, I know I’m not Angeal, but if you want to talk about this I’m here for you.” Zack’s voice rang full of warmth and sadness. He knew it was fruitless but in that moment he missed Angeal so much. He knew he could never measure up to their lost friend and that made him even more sad. Still, who else was there? He had to try.

Sephiroth didn’t move a muscle, and when the tension became too much for Zack, he reached out his hand to brush the hair from Sephiroth’s face, to hook it behind Sephiroth’s ear. He needed to see those eyes. He needed to know what Sephiroth was thinking.

For a moment Zack thought that Sephiroth was leaning into his touch and he shifted his balance so that he could embrace his friend, but suddenly his back hit a bookshelf with a bang and a whole lot of confusion followed. Sephiroth had stood up and now was lifting him by his uniform top and walking towards the door.

“Leave, Zackary.” Sephiroth said coldly, and unceremoniously dropped Zack in front of the door.

“What? No!” Zack struggled to grasp what was happening and turned to face Sephiroth. When he saw his friend’s eyes properly again his breath caught in his throat and his eyes teared up in fear. He’d never seen such fury in them before. The slits Sephiroth had for pupils gave him a feral look, and his eyes seemed to be glowing unnaturally with the colour of mako. Exactly like mako. Only like mako. In the back of Zack’s mind, he wondered if there was anything natural left about those eyes at all. That was hardly the worst though, the worst was the look of madness that was plastered all over Sephiroth’s face. In fact, it was all over his body, his over-erect posture, the air, the scene, the place... Everything seemed horribly warped, as if Sephiroth was warping the space and time itself around them. 

Though it made Zack fear for himself almost as much as he feared for Sephiroth’s well-being, he didn’t move. Not until Sephiroth yelled for him to leave. The strength of Sephiroth’s voice hit Zack like a wall of sound that seemed to creep into him. It crept into the space between his cells of his body, threatening to make them explode, one by one. That one syllable stretched out in time long enough to conjure the dead out of the lifestream and it seemed as if they all screamed with Sephiroth. It wasn’t a conscious decision to leave, but Zack’s fear got the best of him, and with tears of shock streaming down his face he found himself first stumbling, then running towards the exit of the mansion.

It was an unfathomable relief to find the outside world normal. The air was normal, the overcast sky was dull and normal, and the sound of the wind rustling the blades of grass was nothing like the echo of Sephiroth’s scream. He couldn’t make himself go back in there, but he couldn’t leave either. He sat down on the steps that led up to the front door, thinking that if he stayed long enough, perhaps he’d have another chance to talk to Sephiroth. 

His head spun round and round, trying to find the error in what he’d said to Sephiroth. He thought about what he could have said instead. He wondered desperately what he was going to say to Sephiroth next. He wondered what Angeal would have said, and unfortunately that led him down an endless downward spiral of his failure to support his friend. He sat there the rest of the day. He sat with his head in his hands while it turned dark. He was still sitting there when Cloud came to fetch him for their guard shift. 

He didn’t want to take away the opportunity for Sephiroth to talk to Cloud by his own initiative, so he didn’t tell Cloud what he’d found out. Feeling drained and insecure, he told Cloud that Sephiroth was upset and perhaps Cloud could see him tomorrow. Perhaps Cloud had a better chance, or, perhaps Cloud was just better, and that would be enough.

…

Zack had been so out of it during his guard shift that Cloud had made him leave early. It had taken him hours to finally fall asleep. When he woke up it was already mid-afternoon and there was a little note on the bedside table from Cloud saying he’d gone to see Sephiroth. Zack sat up and groaned, rubbing his face in a bad mood. Yesterday’s anxiety had left him with the sort of emotional hangover that made the world lack its normal vibrancy. Everything just seemed grey and meaningless. He dragged his ass out of bed, glanced at the other bed that had been made until last night, but Cloud had obviously slept in it. Even though Cloud’s decision of not sharing beds that night had probably been out of fear of disturbing his sleep, it made him feel even more sour. He groaned at his own childish pettiness.

He went downstairs and had a very late lunch for breakfast that did nothing to help his mood. He had to make himself chew properly and swallow the grey goop, distracted from all the different iterations of the conversation between Sephiroth and Cloud that played out in his head. How was it going? How long had Cloud been gone? On his way out to patrol, or fake-patrol, he asked Jax and Brian when Cloud had left.

“Errh, a couple of hours ago?” Jax looked helplessly at Brian who just nodded his head.

Was that a good sign that Cloud hadn’t come back yet? Did it mean they were still talking? That should be good, right? But what if… What if Sephiroth had become angry with Cloud too? No, surely, he wouldn’t. Zack’s thoughts were spiralling while he made his way out of town, taking a roundabout route to the Shin-Ra mansion to not be too obvious about where he was going to the troopers or the townspeople. He absentmindedly cut down the low-level monsters he encountered before he found himself facing the door of the Mansion.

Zack opened the door and slowly made his way up the stairs to the second floor room that had the hidden staircase down to the hidden basement. “Stupid,” Zack grumbled to himself. Why hadn’t they just put the stairs to the cellar on the bottom floor? For some reason, the mansion seemed extraordinarily gloomy and it made his steps slow and hesitant. He was already on edge, but when he pushed the secret entrance open to the cellar, his stomach turned. He was met with the same feeling of time and space being warped that he’d had when Sephiroth had yelled at him the day before. He had to fight his anxiety to start walking down the spiral staircase. Muddled sounds, mixes of moans, talking and… cracking or slapping noises echoed through the big, cold, monster-infested chamber that led to the labs, then the eerie rooms with the coffins, and at the far end, the secret library. He desperately hoped the sounds would lessen in time with him effortlessly cutting through the Sahagins. They weren’t the quietest of monsters after all. Maybe there were some at each other’s throats?

His feet carried him quietly towards the library and he couldn’t deny that the sounds were growing louder. With that, his anxiety grew too. It grew until it felt like his soul was pushed out of his body, and he could see himself walking through the damp, cold room as if he was seeing himself from the outside. A sliver of light painted the floor at the library door, which had carelessly been left ajar. His hand looked like that of a stranger’s when he pushed it open to the key-hole shaped room.

The corridor lined with book-cases on the other side of the door was darker than the circular library room it opened up to, and for a moment it looked like a projection on a screen, the way it was framed by the corridor. Tears immediately started pouring silently from his eyes, and slowly, slowly he was drawn closer to the horrors of the chamber.

He could see the bright form of Cloud, naked in the middle of the room, balancing on his toes, his hands bound together behind his back with rope attached to a hook in the ceiling. Zack seemed to float closer, blinking the tears from his eyes, only to see that Cloud was also blindfolded and gagged with a ball-gag. At the end of the corridor, he reached his hand out to steady himself against a bookcase. He could see thick red welts all across Cloud’s front and back, and half of his face was red in a shade that bordered on purple. His cheeks were glistening below the blindfold, a tear still hanging on to his chin where he swayed.

Zack felt himself freeze, and his first thought was that his body had shut down in shock, but that seldom happened to him. He was a SOLDIER after all, and had worked hard to overcome that particular reflex. It wasn’t until Sephiroth stood up from the desk he’d been half-sitting on that Zack noticed him at all, but as soon as he did, he understood that his frozen body was the result of a spell being cast on him. Sephiroth’s haunting glare met him and the smug, vicious smile curling Sephiroth’s lips said it all too loudly. 

No. No no no. Why?! This was all wrong! Panic erupted immediately and acutely in Zack but it didn’t make his chest swell, his heart quicken or his lungs heave. All he could do was take shallow breaths and let his tears fall, while his mind raced to make sense of the situation. He expected black spots to enter his field of vision, or anxiety to twist in his chest like a knife but none of that happened. The time for his body had been stopped, for all but the most essential of his autonomous functions. To cast a spell with such preciseness… he hadn’t even known it was possible.

Sephiroth walked up to Cloud. He had taken his coat off and was holding one of his wider belts folded in two in his hands. While firmly holding Zack’s gaze, he raised his hand and let the belt fall with a loud crack on the front of Cloud’s thighs to form another angry, red stripe that crossed other marks already there. Cloud’s scream was muffled by the gag and Zack could clearly see the effort Cloud had to make to stay balanced on his toes to not twist his arms out of their sockets. It didn’t look safe. The frenzied enjoyment Sephiroth seemed to get from it didn’t look safe either.

Zack wanted to scream. To vomit. To stop this. He wanted to talk to Cloud, to Sephiroth. Sephiroth! He wanted to kill Sephiroth. A thousand impulses hammered against Zack’s mind, each of them urging him to move, but none of them broke through, and all he could do was to keep watching.

Sephiroth ran his hand from Cloud’s bruising cheek across the front of his body, over the mark he’d just made and pressed down on it, forcing a muffled sob from Cloud.

“Good, pet. You’re doing good. Just a little more.” Sephiroth purred and cast a triumphant glance at Zack before hitting Cloud again with the belt.

Zack could feel his mind warping as he saw Cloud’s restrained squirms and heard his muted screams that eventually quieted and evened out to heavy, even breaths, as if all the fight had finally left him. His head was lowered, and his chin was wet from drool that was dripping off it in stringy drops. He could also see Cloud’s dribbling cock, and how Cloud, despite his restraints, leaned in to Sephiroth’s touches with a level of abandon that Zack didn’t recognize.

Sephiroth walked to stand behind Cloud where he could caress his mauled body in a vile display for Zack.

“Enough?” Sephiroth purred into Cloud’s ear.

To Zack’s surprise, Cloud gave a little nod. What did this mean? There’s no way Cloud was in on this? That Cloud wanted it, was there?!

Sephiroth carefully undid the clasp of the ball-gag and tossed it carelessly on the desk that was still littered with files and books. He stepped around to face Cloud, carefully took Cloud’s face in his hands, pressed his thumbs into the cheeks and temples in small little circles that had Cloud quietly humming with pleasure. Cloud let his mouth fall open with a soft little moan and was granted Sephiroth’s lips as a reward.

Zack felt another devastating wave of nausea crashing into him. It was the first time he’d seen the two of them kissing, and his most cherished person looked so pitiable, so broken, so weak and desperate. Yet he could see the tenderness of the kiss, or more precisely, the senseless affection that Cloud held for Sephiroth. It called to mind that one, horrible conversation when Cloud had told him about his feelings for Sephiroth, and the desperate guilt and sorrow Cloud had expressed. Zack’s thoughts raged on, furiously trying to piece together his understanding while doing his best to keep the pain of jealousy and betrayal at bay. The pressure on his mind was enormous and he managed to pull a deep breath into his lungs.

Sephiroth immediately noticed, and unhurriedly broke away from kissing Cloud. With a small flick of his hand he re-cast the stop-spell on Zack with another devastating, triumphant smile. Zack felt his mind stumble at his friend’s hateful behaviour. Why, why the _fuck_ was Sephiroth making him see this?! Gaia, if he’d only gone for a real patrol before he’d come down here, maybe then he would have geared up with the proper protective materia… 

Sephiroth turned toward Cloud and purred against his cheek, “What would you like now, my little soldier slut?”

“Untie me and fuck me,” Cloud said with a tired, low voice that cracked and sounded rough after the beating and screaming.

Wordlessly, Sephiroth efficiently undid the rope around Cloud’s arms and lifted Cloud up to sit on the desk where he rubbed and kissed Cloud’s arms.

“Do you trust me?” Sephiroth murmured, absentmindedly palming Cloud’s half-hard erection while turning to Zack, as if posing the question to Zack instead.

“Yes,” Cloud said with a faint, dazed smile while he wiped away traces of drying tears and saliva from his face and adjusted his blindfold on his own.

Zack felt the bonds of friendship between him and Sephiroth straining painfully. Sephiroth’s words were like a warning, a threat and a promise all at once, and he didn’t know what to expect from them. He wished he could breathe quicker, scream, panic. He wanted to stop this, whatever it was. Or at least, he wanted to leave, to leave himself out of it. If it truly was consensual, it really wasn’t any of his business.

Sephiroth stepped around the desk and picked up a flat black box out of a drawer. He opened it on the desk and picked up a polished metal rod with a soft curve and something like a slight drop-shape to the tip. He put it in Cloud’s hands.

“Do you know where this goes?” Sephiroth purred sweetly.

“No.” Cloud’s answer had only the slightest apprehension to it, as if he knew it wouldn’t matter anyway.

“Let me show you.”

If Zack could have flinched at Sephiroth’s voice, he would have. Even to him it sounded too sweet and impossibly seductive. It was different from what he’d heard when they were younger. Though he wished otherwise, he couldn’t really interpret it as anything but manipulative. There was something missing in Sephiroth’s touches. They couldn’t really convince him that the warmth and care they alluded to was really there, even if Cloud clearly enjoyed them. Zack watched Sephiroth pull Cloud to the edge of the desk, taking the thin metal rod from his hands and walking over to him. Cloud just waited quietly at the desk, as if he was used to waiting blindfolded and softening, which was disturbing in itself.

“Pay attention, soldier,” Sephiroth said in a soft, wicked tone as he pried the metal rod between Zack’s barely parted lips, still frozen in the shock Zack had worn when he entered. He twirled the rod around against Zack’s tongue and the inside of his cheeks while he let his breath wash over Zack’s face. To Sephiroth’s absolute delight, fresh tears poured from Zack’s eyes. How well it all played out!

Sephiroth let his free hand stroke Zack’s cheeks in a mockery of comfort. He took a moment to drink in the fear, disgust and fury he could read in Zack’s eyes before he decided that he should take the opportunity to taste Zack’s tears. He crowded the frozen body and licked a broad stroke from Zack’s cheek up over his eye. He had to swallow his own chuckle when he felt Zack press his eyes closed under his tongue. Who would have known eyelids could express such resistance? Of course, this small gesture sparked a battle that he couldn’t allow Zack to win. He moved the hand from Zack’s cheek to forcibly open Zack’s eyelid and let his tongue glide along Zack’s eyeball, savouring the victory, the salty taste of the slippery globe washed in tears. Ah, the power of doing whatever he wanted! It was the closest he’d ever felt to feeling freedom, so he drank in the moment. 

Zack had never felt so humiliated in all of his life, and he felt like his heart would have broken from the cruelty he found himself on the receiving end of, if he hadn’t been frozen in time. He did his best not to get drawn into the horrendous rift of sorrow that had opened up inside himself, because there was still the matter of Cloud. What was Sephiroth doing with Cloud?

Sephiroth pulled the metal rod out of Zack’s mouth with a smug smile, stepped back to Cloud and put it to the slit of Cloud’s urethra.

“No!” Cloud flinched when realization dawned on him. He sat up straight and gripped Sephiroth’s wrist.

“Yes!” Sephiroth chuckled softly. “It’ll make you feel good. Tell me again of the agreement that you yourself suggested.” He didn’t wait for a reply before he carefully started working the metal rod inside Cloud’s cock, twirling and pressing.

“Please, I don’t want it,” Cloud whimpered and whined at the unfamiliar sensations, but he didn’t do anything more to make Sephiroth stop, not wanting to give Sephiroth any reason for snapping.

“Sssh, tell me our agreement,” Sephiroth said sternly.

“Within the healing capability of a cure,” Cloud mumbled and fumbled in the air with his hands until he found long, silver tresses to comb his fingers through and hold on to. He hissed and winced now and then, but made no more objections.

It didn’t take long for the rod to get buried in Cloud’s body, and Sephiroth carefully pushed and pulled on it to try to determine if it was in the right spot.

“How does that feel?” Sephiroth purred and looked expectantly at Cloud.

“Hurts,” Cloud said, sounding both on edge and defeated at the same time.

Sephiroth gave it a twisting motion and pushed it deeper until a surprised grunt escaped Cloud. 

“There?” Sephiroth chuckled, pleased with himself. Cloud didn’t reply but eagerly pulled Sephiroth into a careful, exploratory kiss, as if he wanted to re-learn the sensations of his own body. 

Zack could see Cloud carefully touching his own plugged up half-hardness. He heard every hesitant whine when it grew harder, every hiss when he flinched and every moan as the kiss got more heated. Why would Cloud want to be treated like this? He understood that this was a practiced dynamic though, from what he saw, and that broke his heart. Cloud who was so kind and trusting, who deserved the world. Tears that had to contain too many feelings kept spilling from Zack’s eyes.

“Fuck me, please fuck me, Sephiroth,” Cloud mumbled in a voice shivering with need and arousal.

“On your knees then, soldier,” Sephiroth pulled Cloud forward, off of the desk and Cloud easily followed.

Cloud’s hands slid up Sephiroth’s legs until they reached the belts and the zipper which Cloud opened easily even though he was blindfolded. That again underlined to Zack how used to each other the two of them seemed to be, and it kept shocking him, the depths of their twisted bond. He saw Cloud’s eagerness when he took Sephiroth in his mouth, how he gestured for Sephiroth to place his leg between Cloud’s knees so that Cloud could rub against it, how he tentatively touched himself and how familiar he looked with all of it. He saw Sephiroth take a grip on Cloud’s head and how he mercilessly started fucking himself into Cloud’s mouth. What he absolutely didn’t expect to see was how Cloud touched himself when he pulled away retching from his gag-reflex, the deep, needy, pleasured moans he let up when he’d collected himself, and how he immediately pressed up against Sephiroth with his mouth open and blindfold soaked in tears, begging for more.

That was the first time the terrifying thought passed the border between subconscious and conscious in Zack: the thought that he’d failed Cloud. He saw it in Cloud’s movements, the conviction Cloud had that he really, really didn’t deserve anything better than that. He knew it wasn’t a game that was playing out in front of him, and he suddenly understood where this part of reality fit into Cloud’s life, into Cloud’s idea of his self-worth.

The tears weren’t falling fast enough from Zack’s eyes and he could feel them pouring down into the back of his throat where they got into his airways and burned and tickled in all the wrong ways, but he couldn’t cough. The discomfort was almost welcome, at least giving one more sensation that he could focus on instead of these feelings that threatened to… in the back of his mind, Zack knew that feelings weren’t dangerous per se, but he still felt like he was dying, like his heart was breaking, like his mind was shattering.

Cloud was sitting back on his heels heaving, spitting and trying to stop the spasms of his stomach trying to expel the contents. Sephiroth, watched in intense contentment, gave his hard self a few strokes at the sight of Cloud’s dishevelled appearance and then stepped to drag the desk from the centre of the room to the side. He then heaved Cloud by the hair to bend forwards over it in an angle that would give Zack the best view of their faces as well as where their bodies would soon be joining. Sephiroth sat himself on the desk next to Cloud and slipped two of his fingers into Cloud’s mouth, something that had Cloud moaning around them immediately. He inched them towards the back of Cloud’s throat to make the blond gag again, and when he did, he lovingly caressed the damp, golden spikes while grinning at Zack. He pulled the wet fingers out and flicked them in Zack’s direction to renew the stop-spell before he placed himself behind Cloud and pressed his fingers to Cloud’s opening.

Still with heaving breaths, Cloud reached back and swatted Sephiroth’s hand away. “Don’t.”

“You’ll tear.” Sephiroth’s low voice betrayed his excitement.  
  
“Then heal me,” Cloud said, sounding clear of mind, but there was something hollow in it.

Zack couldn’t believe what he was hearing, and he didn’t know how to steel himself for what was going to happen next. He tried to focus on the shallow breaths he could take and to feel for the edges of the spell. He had to find a way to break it.

Sephiroth bent over Cloud, pulled his hands through Cloud’s hair and let them trail back over his back until they rested on Cloud’s hips. One hand stayed there, and with the other he lined himself up before he shoved himself into Cloud so forcefully the heavy wooden desk scraped forward. Cloud bit back a scream that quickly turned into pained sobs that shook his entire body. 

The intoxicating pleasure of breaking Cloud’s flesh rushed to Sephiroth’s head. It had been something that he’d so often imagined but never allowed himself. That Cloud had now asked for it was beyond his imagination. He allowed himself a few smaller thrusts, which made Cloud yell out in delicious pain before he pulled out, eased his fingers inside the warm, slippery, bleeding flesh and cast a flickering, green cure spell.

“You’re so beautiful,” Sephiroth whispered affectionately while he wiped his bloodied fingers on the small of Cloud’s back as a visual reminder of the red lash-marks that started to fade quickly.

Gods, this was so wrong, Zack thought. Gods, he should have paid more attention. Why hadn’t he spoken to Angeal about the troublesome tendencies he’d seen in Sephiroth when they’d been younger? How could he have been so stupid?!

Cloud’s body relaxed down onto the desk. The immediate relief of the pain made every easy breath seem like rapture. Cloud twisted his head and let it rest heavily on the desk while he felt Sephiroth leaning over him, brushing away hairs from the nape of his neck and placing a kiss there.

“Thank you, Cloud,” he said, his voice ringing softly with sincerity.

Cloud reached his hand back until it found Sephiroth’s, and their fingers laced together. “Do it again,” he whispered with a faint smile, “please.”

“Why do you ask this of me?” Sephiroth asked quietly while his hand found Cloud’s plugged up erection, pleased to find Cloud leaking around the protruding tip of the rod.

Cloud flinched from dull, unusual pleasure deep inside his body. “Does it matter?” he said and arched his back up impatiently.

Sephiroth turned with a grin to Zack who was now breathing quicker, struggling furiously to break the spell. Sephiroth’s smile widened as he renewed it before plunging himself back violently into the bloodied mess of Cloud’s insides. The room lined with books dryly absorbed Cloud’s cries, making them appear and disappear as quickly as the pain they reflected. Sephiroth would draw his nails down Cloud’s back almost as a warning, before he broke Cloud’s flesh and healed it again and again in a rhythm that made the room throb with green light. Cloud’s shivering was constant, first in pain, and then in elated relief.

Zack lost all his focus at the display in front of him. All he could do was to ride the storm of his heart that broke over and over for Cloud. He began to wonder what he’d do at this point if he could break the spell, and after that he became steeped in dread at the first thought of the aftermath. What was he going to do after this? How would it end? 

Sephiroth and Cloud kept going until dark strands of blood trickled down the insides of Cloud’s legs. Cloud, who was leaning heavily on the desk with buckling legs, started begging for release.

“Why do you let me do this to you, Cloud?” Sephiroth’s attention was turned to Zack when he asked. He reached around Cloud to stroke his unnaturally stiff erection, causing Cloud to softly whine in the pain and pleasure from the stimulation.

Cloud moved in discomfort from the question, causing files and books to drop from the desk. “Because it’s you,” Cloud answered in a voice that cracked and broke. Sephiroth hummed in indication that this was not the answer he’d been looking for.

“And?” He let his hand drift idly down Cloud’s back and pried his fingers inside Cloud, beside his engorged cock. He felt around the torn flesh, although the fresh blood surely lessened the strain of the forced intrusions by now.

“Gods, Sephiroth!” Cloud moaned brokenly through his overloaded mind and reached back for something to hold on to for comfort.

“It’s too much,” he sobbed softly and ran his fingers over Sephiroth’s hip and thigh behind him. He’d been tested, unusually harshly at that, he’d endured, and now he wanted his reward. He ached so much for Sephiroth’s sweet kisses and soothing embrace. The weight of his longing seemed to echo in the flesh that Sephiroth stretched, hurt, and filled the wrong way. He wanted to pour his love into Sephiroth, and he wanted to be loved in return. Though that seemed unlikely, so he’d gladly continue to take the pleasure instead.

“Why do you like it, Cloud?” Sephiroth grabbed a fistful of Cloud’s hair, smearing it with blood. He pulled on it so forcibly it lifted Cloud’s torso off the desk, all while still thrusting shallowly into Cloud’s tensing body.

“Because I’m yours,” Cloud said and sobbed from the strain of it all. He knew that was what Sephiroth wanted to hear, but he’d hoped that he wouldn’t have to say it again. He couldn’t mean it the same way he had the first time a year and a half ago. He simply didn’t believe relationships worked like that anymore, and so it pained him not only to say it, but that Sephiroth had asked him to.

As soon as he’d uttered the words, Sephiroth cast a final cure, pulled him back against his torso, lifted him up so that Sephiroth could half-sit on the desk with him in his lap. One of Sephiroth’s arms wrapped under his torso and his free hand went to play with the rod in Cloud’s cock.

Cloud moaned with the pleasure of feeling Sephiroth against his back and around him, at the ease with which he was lifted and pushed down on Sephiroth’s incredible hardness that continued to fill him, finally without pain. Cloud felt himself tense up, ready to release, but the horrible rod that plugged him disallowed it. It made him suffer from a horribly sweet pressure that threatened to break him. With every one of Sephiroth’s movements he felt it grow stronger.

“Would you like to come?” Sephiroth whispered seductively in Cloud’s ear.

“Yes,” Cloud sobbed. He was so ready. 

“Then you may take it out yourself,” Sephiroth murmured and guided Cloud’s hands to his own cock.

Zack saw Sephiroth manoeuvre Cloud on top of him with more intent. He plainly recognized the pleasure ramping up in Cloud’s face and in his voice. Then he saw Cloud’s devastating confusion when Sephiroth took off Cloud’s blindfold. When Zack and Cloud’s eyes met, Cloud couldn’t stop blinking. His face was so easy to read; the confusion, the denial, the horror and the crushing shame that exploded between them. It bound them in an instant and threatened to crush them both.

Zack’s gaze moved to Sephiroth, and he felt himself chilled to the bone in a way that made him expect to fall to the floor, but of course he couldn’t. The hatred, the cruelty and the pleasure Sephiroth took in Cloud’s suffering, his drunkenness on power, it was utterly devastating to see, and Zack couldn’t understand where it came from. But seeing his dear friend unhinged like that made his heart bleed, and for one heartbeat that rattled his chest, he missed Angeal so desperately again. He was certain that Sephiroth wouldn’t have done this if Angeal had still been alive.

“No! No, you promised not to.” Cloud whispered and tried to lean forward, out of Sephiroth’s embrace, but was held firmly in place.  
A bitter laugh rang from Sephiroth’s lips before he put them to Cloud’s shoulder.

Zack felt anger, despair, more shame, and more sadness cascading through him in waves as he saw Cloud trying to struggle free from Sephiroth’s grip, but the more Cloud struggled the more urgently Sephiroth grinded himself into Cloud.

“Gods no! Stop!” Panic was bleeding into Cloud’s voice and he started clawing at Sephiroth’s arm. “I’m serious Sephiroth, release me.”

“As you wish, my little Soldier slut,” Sephiroth purred into Cloud’s ear while looking gleefully upon Zack.

Sephiroth renewed his grip around Cloud’s torso, pinning one of Cloud’s arms to his waist and holding the other arm firmly with his hand. He stood up and dragged them closer in front of Zack.

“Please stop. Please don’t do this. I don’t want this,” Cloud whispered weakly and instinctively pushed himself away from Zack as much as possible, his tears now freely streaming down his burning cheeks. No, that wasn’t the only thing that burned. His whole world was falling apart, and he wasn’t strong enough to stop it. Neither was Zack, by the looks of it, and for a split second he loathed Zack for it, but soon his loathing was directed back where it belonged; to himself. He knew he’d lost Zack now, but it was probably for the best. He’d never deserved Zack in the first place, after all. The realisation of this was by far more painful than anything else he’d ever experienced, it took root in his bones, spread to his limbs and rendered him limp in Sephiroth’s arms.

When Cloud thought things couldn’t get any worse, he felt something move deep down in the pits of his stomach. He looked down and saw Sephiroth’s beautiful hand, the hand that had held him, caressed him and comforted him so many times, pumping that detestable metal rod inside him again, reminding him of the devastating pressure that he’d momentarily forgotten. The rod seemed to stir the same sickly-sweet spot inside him as Sephiroth’s heinously hard cock and he could feel himself spasming and sobbing uncontrollably with every shattering thrust.

“Ssh, I’ll release you now,” Sephiroth murmured in Cloud’s ear.

Sephiroth moved to hold Cloud upright by crushing him to his chest. With his free hand he lifted Cloud’s head by his throat and squeezed it, knowing that it would likely make Cloud keep his eyes open, forcing him to look at Zack. He started yanking the metal rod out of Cloud in short strokes, making Cloud shudder and scream with every pull until he felt Cloud’s seed overflow around it. He yanked the last bit out and let Cloud’s violently quaking body shoot stream after stream of discharge as he screamed and fell forward against Zack. 

Just before Sephiroth closed his eyes in his own moment of bliss, Zack had seen it again, the madness in his eyes. The madness that came from a man that had been broken over and over but put together again in the wrong way. He should have known, Zack thought, and wished he could do something for his friend. He should have known; the laboratories, the Wutai war, hell, Shin-Ra alone would have done it to turn anyone into a monster. Why had he assumed Sephiroth could manage it? How could he not have noticed such copious distress in one of his closest friends? Zack felt like he was being drowned in his own sorrow and guilt. A thousand ‘if onlys’ stabbed at him, and momentarily stole his anger away even though Cloud was still slumped against him, screaming.

For the last time, Sephiroth enjoyed filling Cloud with his seed, to carve his presence into Cloud’s flesh and Zack’s retinas. This was his moment of freedom. He’d finally freed himself from the weakness the bonds that their ‘friendship’ had been. He let go of Cloud entirely and watched the small, still shuddering body fall to the floor at Zack’s feet. He bent forward and pressed three fingers into Cloud’s soiled, gaping and twitching hole to scoop up some of the liquid that had a fresh, pale pink colour from being mixed with blood. Sephiroth leaned forward and smeared Zack’s cheek with the cloudy pink. 

“Thank you, dear Zackary, for everything,” he said quietly, in a tone that was mostly smug but left an aftertaste of hurt.

Zack thought for the hundredth time that he’d be vomiting if his body could have reacted, but now all he could do was watch in horror at Sephiroth as his face came nearer to his own, to plant a kiss on his dirtied cheek. It would have been disgusting in every respect if he hadn’t picked up on the glint of regret and despair in Sephiroth’s eyes. So, there had been a struggle, after all? His eyes traced Sephiroth the short moment it took for Sephiroth to zip himself up, put his coat back on, arrange his features into his usual cold mask and step out of the room with collected, perfectly measured steps that betrayed nothing of what he’d left behind.

It was almost a mockery, or perhaps a last act of kindness, that Sephiroth’s spell was broken the second the door to the library closed behind him. When Zack noticed he could move he had to remain standing up until his stomach settled. As soon as he knew he wouldn’t hurl the contents of his stomach over Cloud, he sank to his knees, cast a curaga, and carefully wrapped himself around Cloud’s unmoving form. Even with Cloud’s face turned to the floor, he looked so very broken, and Zack didn’t trust himself to put the pieces together right, so he didn’t know where to start. He had no fucking idea and his stomach turned again with raw fear of what would happen if he did the wrong thing.

Zack tried to lend his warmth to Cloud’s cold and clammy body, but he wasn’t sure he had much. He was pretty sure he himself was drenched in cold sweat. He opened his mouth several times to try to say something, but he couldn’t figure out what to say, so he closed it again. At last, the only thing he could think of as ‘safe’ to do was to stroke Cloud’s hair and shoulders. He didn’t let his hand stray as far down as Cloud’s waist. In the beginning he couldn’t read any reactions in Cloud at all, and he worried maybe Cloud was unconscious, but after a while he could tell that Cloud’s breaths got deeper. Without any other warning, Cloud suddenly started screaming at the top of his lungs, giving the clear impression of someone who tried to drown out the rest of the world with his own voice. 

Zack jolted back from his dearest friend in shock, but immediately crept close again and curled his arm around Cloud’s shoulder. He started mumbling every piece of comfort and acceptance he could think of, forcing his voice to stay calm and steady, although it was the hardest thing he’d ever done.

“It’s okay to scream.”

“I’m so sorry.” 

“I don’t know what to do, but you’re going to be okay.”

“I’m here.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I’m so very sorry.”

He was pretty sure this was the worst moment of his life, so the difficulty of it seemed appropriate in proportion. He tried to put off the apologizing too, but he could only manage for so long, and once he started, he couldn’t stop. Every sentence turned into an iteration of being sorry for not having been able to stop Sephiroth, or for not having been able to break the spell, or for having come down there at all. He apologized until he couldn’t stop his own sobs, and then he cried into the nape of Cloud’s neck and battled with himself over how hard he could press himself into Cloud’s body without making things worse. He had no idea how long it took until they were both just lying there in silence again.

When Zack first heard the whisper, he wasn’t sure he’d heard it at all, but it came again, stronger.

“I wanted it.”

“I know.” Zack wanted to say it was okay, but it wasn’t really. Clearly, nothing was really okay the way it was now.

“No, I mean it. I wanted him to hurt me,” Cloud said in a low, distant voice.

“I know, Cloud.” The lack of ‘it’s okay’ hung heavy in the room and struck a wedge between them. Even as Zack hugged Cloud tighter, he could feel the distance between them grow rapidly.

With surprising strength and smoothness, Cloud suddenly stood up and started looking around for his clothes. In seconds he’d put his boxers, pants and boots on.

“What are you doing? Where are you going?” Zack asked and quickly scrambled to his feet.

Cloud didn’t reply and just continued to dress himself with movements that looked far too collected in relation to his screaming a moment earlier, or had it been hours? Zack had no idea. Either way, he carefully walked up to Cloud to put himself in Cloud’s field of vision and grabbed hold of Cloud’s top before he had a chance to put it on.

“Cloud?” Zack felt the rare feeling of panic simmering in his chest.

“Let go.” Cloud snapped and raised his eyes to Zack but quickly averted them again.

“Please, please then tell me what you’re doing?” Zack tried to keep calm, and still managed quite well.

“Leaving,” Cloud said bitterly.

“Okay. Are you leaving this room or me?” Zack had to form the words slowly. He thought it was among the worst he’d ever had to say and as soon as he’d spoken, he felt like his insides were melting until he was only an empty human-shaped husk.

Cloud shot Zack a quick, dirty glare. “I’m sparing you the trouble.”

Zack knew he couldn’t afford to shut down, so he conjured all the warmth he felt for Cloud and poured it into his voice. It wasn’t hard to find, but it was hard to direct, since Cloud seemed to have made up his mind, and Cloud’s stubbornness might make his decision stick.

“If that’s what you really want, I’ll respect your choice, but let me be clear. It is not what I want. I do not want you to leave me, and I do not want to leave you. Not now and not in a million years.”

Cloud stopped tugging at his top and stood hesitating with a hanging head.

“You’d still want this?” Cloud’s voice broke as he gestured inelegantly at himself.

“Of course I still want you, Cloud.” Of course Zack meant it, but he wasn’t sure if he’d managed to make it sound like he meant it.

“But I’m like, broken or something. There’s something wrong with me.” Cloud’s voice turned thick with disgust and self-hatred that wounded both of them.

“I don’t see you that way, but I can imagine you feel like that, so just give us more time. We’ll be okay.” Zack found it impossible to not second guess everything he said as soon as he said it, and that made him worried that he sounded insincere. Layer upon layer of worries piled quick and heavy on his shoulders.

“I don’t think we will.” Cloud let go of his top and started walking towards the door in just his pants and his boots.

Zack took to his last resort. “You promised you wouldn’t leave after Angeal.” It was a dirty move, Zack knew, but he just… He told himself he needed to buy more time for the two of them. He was too afraid to let Cloud go in that moment, not that Cloud wouldn’t be ok. He thought maybe he himself wouldn’t be.

Cloud froze with his hand on the doorknob.

“Please, you promised. Please don’t leave me.” Zack’s voice shook with fear at Cloud leaving as much as at himself for sinking to such low, manipulative tricks. He clutched his stomach and sank to the floor. He felt the possibility of a future without Cloud, without Sephiroth, spread inside him like the rupture that would end his life. He’d barely just managed Angeal’s passing, how could he possibly bear this?

Cloud turned around and with heavy steps he walked back to stand over Zack, to look down on him. Even though Zack still had some composure left, he recognised the despair that was painted thick over all of Zack’s features. It looked too similar to the despair that he’d seen after Angeal’s death, and that brought Cloud out of himself. Of course he didn’t really want to leave Zack, and he certainly didn’t want to leave him feeling like that, or worse, be the cause of making him like that. Not even now. Letting go of his own composure, he let himself crouch down and carefully placed his hand over Zack’s.

“You’re staying?” Zack looked up at Cloud with a tiny flicker of hope amidst all the sorrow.

“Of course. I would have come back.” Lies. Cloud wasn’t sure he would have at all. He had no idea what he would have done if Zack had let him go without a fight.

“Thank Gaia!” The outer layer of sadness shed quickly from Zack’s face. The desperate need under it worked like a gravitational field, nakedly exposing Zack’s need for validation and comfort. The only thing he did though, was take Cloud’s hand, slowly and carefully.

“I’m really afraid to touch you,” Zack mumbled, “not because I don’t want to,” He quickly added. “I’m afraid it’ll remind you of him.”

Cloud bent down, put his hands on Zack’s shoulders and then let himself fall into Zack’s arms, which seemed like they existed only for the purpose of catching him.

Zack could feel Cloud’s body vibrate from the stress of keeping himself together. “My gods Cloud, I can't believe you were standing up just now. I don’t understand where you get your strength from.” Zack mumbled into Cloud’s hair while pulling him close to his chest.

Though Zack’s touch was nothing but loving, it felt excruciating to Cloud in all its kind simplicity. It seemed to put everything he’d shared with Sephiroth into a terribly sharp clarity. Perhaps that’s what he’d wanted to avoid. He had always been at Sephiroth’s mercy, and that had been a fickle position to be in right from the start. Unfortunately, the thought that Sephiroth’s mercy for him had run out was exactly as excruciatingly painful as he’d expected, so he fell apart with shivering sobs in Zack’s arms. 

“What do I do now?” Cloud cried, muffled against Zack’s chest.

“We’ll figure it out together. We have time. You don’t have to be okay right now.” Zack said softly, a lot calmer with Cloud back in his arms.

“It hurts, he made everything hurt,” Cloud sobbed.

“I know. I’m so sorry. Nothing you could have done, not even asking for it, justified what he did. I swear Cloud, you deserve so much better.” While Zack spoke, his mind raced with prayers and promises to all the gods, making plans to visit them, to formally thank them that Cloud had stayed. The prayers kept going through his mind until Cloud’s tears ran out and Cloud’s breathing turned regular.

“Hey, what do you think about getting dressed and going back to the Inn? We’ll get cleaned up? Or would you rather go to your mom’s?” Zack asked softly.

“The Inn is fine,” Cloud said in a cracking voice.

Zack gently put Cloud in the chair while finding the rest of Cloud’s clothes, gear, and helmet and helped put them on. When Cloud rose from the chair it wasn’t in a fluid movement anymore. It looked properly like the struggle it was. Zack tried to let Cloud walk by himself, but when they reached the staircase that led up from the basement, Cloud just froze with his hand on the handrail. With a little gesture, Zack asked for permission and when he got it, he scooped Cloud up into his arms. That’s the way they arrived at the Inn.

“Bad patrol. Cover our shifts,” was the only explanation Zack offered to Jax and Brian who were standing outside.

Zack halted with an afterthought to ask, “Is Sephiroth here?”

“No, sir.” Jax replied.

Zack only nodded and took them straight to the showers. He quickly discarded his own clothing and then helped Cloud out of his. He’d never seen Cloud so listless before. Cloud’s eyes looked so… empty. It was truly disturbing to see. He took one of the old padded chairs that stood in the dressing room, covered the seat with a clean towel and placed it under one of the shower heads and turned the shower on. It wasn’t ideal, but he just didn’t care.

“C’mon,” Zack carefully led Cloud into the shower and sat him down on the chair.

With a deep breath, Zack started to lather Cloud up. Cloud sat lifelessly and let his limbs be lifted and washed without any reaction. When Zack had gotten to everything that he could with Cloud in the chair, he efficiently scrubbed himself down too before helping Cloud stand up from the chair.

“Wait,” Cloud mumbled when Zack reached for the knob to turn the shower off. “Get it out of me.”

Zack felt his stomach turn again. He thought it had turned so many times that it seemed more like a tumble-dryer than a part of his body. He swallowed and asked, “You want me to do it?”

He almost wished Cloud hadn’t nodded, but he did, so now he had to. He pushed the chair out of the way, accidentally toppling it over with an uncomfortable clatter and moved Cloud half out of reach of the streaming water. Standing in front of Cloud, he placed Cloud’s arms around his neck and then lathered up his hands. He carefully placed them on Cloud’s backside which caused Cloud to tense up.

“Is this okay? Or..?” Zack mumbled anxiously while reminding himself that this should be on Cloud’s terms. He had to trust Cloud to know what was right no matter how uncomfortable it was for himself.

“Yeah… just do it,” Cloud’s voice was distant and dejected, but he didn’t seem uncertain.

Zack let the pad of a finger slide down to Cloud’s opening and pressed against it. It was hardly a surprise when he felt Cloud tense up even more, so he waited patiently until Cloud managed to make himself relax, and then he waited for that particular part of Cloud to relax too. It had never entered his mind that he would find himself in such a situation where touching Cloud in such an intimate place would neither be joyful nor pleasurable. It was just devastating. Even if Cloud wasn’t pulling away, he was so worried to set off unwanted memories that would make Cloud push him away again. But eventually he could feel how Cloud’s muscles had softened. He took another breath, pushed his finger inside his beloved and couldn’t help but mumble apologies into Cloud’s shoulder. Inevitably, Cloud started crying again. Desperately bitter sobs escaped him as he clutched harder to Zack, but Zack felt relief. Sadness was safer than anger. Less volatile. Less prone to make Cloud leave.

“I loved him,” Cloud’s words were wrung out of him along with convulsive crying.

“I know.” Zack said, his voice filled with empathy.

“I thought… I thought maybe he’d love me too.” Cloud’s cries turned into excruciating howls that cut into Zack like knives.

“I know, me too, Cloud.”

How anybody could know Cloud and not love him, Zack simply could not understand. It was a new facet of closeness he felt there while holding Cloud both inside and out amidst all that raw grief. Cloud’s body felt the same as always. The second the blood and… dirt… had been washed out, his body betrayed nothing. His insides felt as soft and inviting as ever, even though everything was wrong. It was worrisome. How would he know when Cloud’s wounds were healed if he couldn’t see them? The thought unsettled him deeply. He waited until Cloud’s crying had calmed down again before he started moving his finger inside Cloud. He wasn’t sure if it’d be better if he just hurried up and got it done as quickly and efficiently or if he should try to make his touch loving. Defaulting back to his own nature he moved slowly and carefully, just like he usually did, hoping that it would take Cloud’s mind away from the harshness that he’d just experienced.

“Is this okay?” Zack asked, unable to read Cloud’s sobs, and too exhausted to try to read beyond the pain in Cloud’s face.

“Yeah,” Cloud said, at least sounding a little more present.

Zack let out another little sigh of relief when he felt Cloud’s hand in his hair, gripping it close to his skull that way he usually did. It always made Zack think that an embrace just wasn’t enough. It made him feel like Cloud was really reaching out for him too. Encouraged, he pressed another soapy finger inside Cloud and found there was no more resistance. He hoped Cloud’s body would help Cloud heal by remembering the good things in life too. He went on to carefully spread his fingers, unhooked the showerhead with his other hand and moved it down. He felt Cloud hanging on to him, heavier, with quiet little snivels.

From there on things were easier. A final rinse, careful drying, the familiar discomfort of dressing damp bodies, and going up the stairs to their room.

“Same bed or..? Zack asked as soon as the door closed behind him.

Cloud still looked exhausted and anguished but grabbed Zack’s hand and dragged them to the closest of the two narrow single beds where they lay down on top of the covers fully dressed, facing each other.

“I’m sorry you have to see me like this,” Cloud mumbled with tears still streaming quietly down his cheeks.

“Not your fault. Even like this, there’s no place I’d rather be. I’m just sorry that it embarrasses you. I don’t know what to do about that.” Zack said with warmth, took Cloud’s hands in his, put them on his chest and stroked Cloud’s arms.

“Everything feels broken. I feel broken,” Cloud mumbled and choked on a sob.

“I know, but you’re not. It’s just a feeling. We’ll have time to fix this. We have so much time ahead of us, Cloud. We’ll be okay. You’ll be okay, and I’ll stay with you as long as you want me to, alright? You’re my best friend. You’d do the same for me, right? That’s what friends are for, help each other, right?” Zack mumbled softly, hoping that his voice would distract Cloud from more thoughts. They’d be unlikely to be helpful.

“I don’t know why I wanted him to hurt me Zack. I don’t understand it myself,” Cloud said quietly.

“It’s okay to figure it out later. Not now. Just sleep now.”

Cloud nodded weakly and moved closer to Zack so that he could place his nose at the patch of skin behind Zack’s ear. Even though most of what he could smell was soap, there was still the warm smell of a sunny beach and ocean air underneath it, and he filled his lungs with it. It was the first deep breath he’d taken in hours.

“Thank you, Cloud. Thank you for letting me stay with you,” Zack mumbled into wet, golden spikes and pressed himself closer to Cloud.

“Gods, that’s so embarrassing,” Cloud mumbled tiredly, but Zack heard the faint smile and gratefulness in Cloud’s voice. It made Zack really believe maybe things would be okay. It was curious how even now he could feel himself looking to Cloud for strength. At least maybe that was still how it was supposed to be. One thing that wasn’t broken, he thought before he drifted off into a heavy, dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you find yourself horribly, horribly, horribly sad? I've written are two stand-alone fics that are a lot more uplifting. One Clack/Zakkura, and one between Zack and Angeal. They're both heavy on the kinks and fluff.
> 
> I may or may not have written them to comfort myself for this horrible, horrible chapter. If anyone wants to give me a comforting text-form pat on the head for finishing this, it would be very welcome. Writing this was like.... trauma. I did it to myself. So fucking dumb. OHWELL.


	28. C/S/Z In sickness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nibelheim burns. Our three friends meet up at the Nibelheim reactor. It does not go well.
> 
> This chapter contains graphic violence but is 99,9% smutless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been lovingly betaed pre-release by the LEGENDARY, fantastic, supportive, funny, kind and patient [Cate Sith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CateSith).

Sephiroth heard the library door shutting behind him. He slowly and calmly walked through the basement chamber towards the exit, giving Zack plenty of time to catch up with him. When he reached the spiral staircase that’d take him to the dusty guest rooms of the Shin-Ra mansion he started to entertain the idea that Zack wasn’t coming after him, and it shocked him. Did he mean so little to Zack, even though he’d just made Zack watch as he’d fucked their precious little blond into oblivion? Somehow, it felt like another betrayal, that Zack chose Cloud over him yet again.

Outside of the Shin-Ra mansion night had fallen, clear and calm, and Nibelheim was bathed in moonlight. Sephiroth stopped and took a breath of air, still hoping that Zack would come barging out the door with his sword drawn, but nothing happened. He clenched his fists in rapidly increasing disappointment, and his rage rose again, just as it had before Cloud had come to search for him. How could it have been meaningless, what he’d done to Cloud? He kicked off into the air to distract himself from the discomfort of inhabiting his own skin, of his own body, of being him.

But no, he wasn’t the meaningless one, they were. He willed his thoughts to focus on their meaninglessness instead of his own. In fact, humans were meaningless altogether. All they did was lie and cause pain and suffering, like a plague. Look at what they’d done to him, what his own father had done to him. He soared high above Nibelheim, along with the birds and the flying monsters that hunted at night. He saw the desolate landscape around the Nibelheim reactor, the ice melted, barren of trees and vegetation. They’d made the land suffer too. They were a plague to the whole planet. Perhaps it was a good thing that he wasn’t one of them after all. That he was an Ancient. 

He thought about the Promised Land that he’d read about in the library. It wasn’t clear exactly what the Promised Land was, but one possible interpretation was that could be right here on Gaia, but under different circumstances. Perhaps it really was his purpose to bring it about, just like Shin-Ra had intended him to? He felt his rage calm down as he stretched his wing and felt it cut the air as he rode it. To see the world from above like this truly made him feel like it all belonged to him, and the people, the disgusting people below, looked like worthless little ants scurrying about pointlessly.

About an hour later, his enhancements allowed him to hear the front door of the Shin-Ra mansion open, even though he was so far above it. It was the only building in that area, and the door had a particular squeak. Though he didn’t particularly want to, he felt himself swoop closer to town, until he caught a glimpse of Zack carrying Cloud ever so carefully in his arms across town towards the Inn. The sight of them made his mind go blank and his body unresponsive in a sudden, distressing, debilitating anguish that almost had him falling from the sky. It took all his focus, all of it, to regain control of his body. That they still had such power over him sent his rage into a full bloom again. In an effort to cool himself down, he soared higher, faster. He even started cutting down the flying monsters in the air. They each fell with a single blow, and the lack of resistance did absolutely nothing to serve as an outlet for his festering hatred.

…

Zack woke up with a jolt. He wasn’t sure what had actually woken him, the alarming heat, the flickering red light from the windows, or the alarming crackling of… fire. Only seconds later he heard the first screams from the little square outside.

“Cloud, Cloud!” He shook Cloud as hard as he dared, already filled with dread that his beloved friend had to wake up to more devastation. Cloud opened his eyes and Zack could see the distress, confusion and hurt from the day before still lingering in them. His stomach turned, but his SOLDIER training took over and helped keep his own feelings at bay.

“Cloud, there’s a fire. Get up. You have to get up. Check on your mom. I’m so sorry, we’ll talk more later. We’ll think about yesterday together later, okay? Are you with me?” Zack’s words came in a quick, urgent stream as he grabbed Cloud’s shoulders to help sit him up. He pulled his own boots on, and then helped Cloud with his. He grabbed the Buster Sword and hitched it on his back, pressing Cloud’s standard issue into his hands. Even though he knew he was moving with SOLDIER speed, he felt like he was wading through water. His heart was beating too slowly; it hadn’t had time to catch up yet. He crouched down before Cloud who was sitting stunned and confused on the edge of the bed.

“Cloud, are you with me? You’ve trained for this. You have to pull yourself together now.” Zack slipped into his leadership role seamlessly, sounding way calmer and much more confident than he felt, and waited for Cloud to be infected by it. The moment it took for Cloud’s eyes to land on Zack with recognition seemed to stretch for ages, and Zack sighed in relief when it happened.

“Yes,” Cloud’s voice came out cold and determined, even fierce. Zack felt a sting of guilt for not feeling nearly as collected as Cloud seemed to be, and a pang of love so strong it simply hurt. Nevertheless, he gave Cloud the warmest, most encouraging, confident smile he could muster and led Cloud by the hand to the window. A wall of heat hit him when he opened it, and licks of flames were already dancing from below them. A simple glance between them was all it took for Cloud to jump up to sit on the windowsill, readying himself to jump down.

Zack put his hands on the back of Cloud’s hips. “On three: one, two, three,” Zack said calmly, and then pushed as hard as he could. It worked beautifully. Cloud used the extra momentum and landed softly on the square, a safe distance from the burning flames. Zack thought for a moment how amazing it felt to be together with Cloud, to work with him, even in situations like this. It was almost like a dance. A testament to the connection they’d built, he thought in the back of his mind as he lunged himself out from the window. 

Zack found that he’d leapt over the bodies of Brian and Jax, and that they’d been killed by a sword, not by fire. Cloud was standing there next to him, frozen in horror. He reluctantly followed Cloud’s gaze to find Sephiroth staring at them with that sickening madness in his eyes, standing in the midst of flames that weren’t burning him. He saw Cloud morph with a fury he’d never seen. He couldn’t even have imagined that Cloud could look so angry. It looked wrong on his soft features, and it chilled Zack to the bones. This wasn’t the right time for Cloud’s feelings though, and put a heavy hand on Cloud’s arm already raised with his sword in hand.

“Check on your mom. I’ll take care of this.” Zack said, still sounding calmer than he felt, while looking around, already taking count of the villagers around them that could still be helped.

Cloud immediately flicked his eyes to Zack at the orders, because that’s what they were. Zack outranked him. His rage was instantly replaced with military focus. A quick nod was all he gave in acknowledgement before he ran off towards his mother’s house. Sephiroth had already turned his back to them. Zack saw his magnificent black wing unfold, seeming blacker than the night sky behind him, before he took to the air, heading in the direction of the reactor. 

Instantly, Zack started quick exchanges with the villagers, the only one calm in the middle of their panic. He broke in doors, lifted fallen beams and cleared a way out of the village by removing scorching debris from the roads. The survivors were so few that it only took Zack a dozen minutes or so, but he couldn’t let himself slow down. As soon as he could, he leapt through the flames, running as fast as he could towards the reactor in pursuit of Sephiroth. He ran faster than he knew he could, because he was running for Cloud’s life. He had to get to the reactor well before Cloud did, knowing that Cloud’s rage would return. He knew that raging people did stupid things.

Zack didn’t slow down when he reached the reactor, either. He registered that the door was open as he rushed past the entrance, towards the main chamber. He tried readying his mind for the upcoming battle, but somehow he couldn’t tap into the right mindset. When the main chamber opened up before him, it was lit up in red, lights flashing, throbbing, unlike the last time he’d been there. It must have been security alarms going off, but it made the chamber feel more like the inside of an organ, a heart, than ever. He registered Tifa, Cloud’s childhood friend, lying seemingly lifeless on one of the platforms that branch off from the main staircase. At the top of the staircase, in the doorway to the smaller centre chamber Sephiroth stood waiting.

“It’s good to see you,” Sephiroth said, sounding eerily calm and honest in his utterance.

“What the fuck, Seph? Why the fuck did you do that? He fucking loves you.” Zack’s voice was as heartbroken as it was angry. The words were unfiltered, and he flinched unwillingly when he said ‘loves’ in a present tense, realising that the word is true for his own feelings too. Apparently love, at least for him, wasn’t like a faucet. There was no knob to make it turn off at his convenience, not even after what he’d seen the day before.

“Please, Zackary. Love is just lies about happiness made up by the body. It has nothing to do with reality.” Sephiroth spoke in a soft but bitter tone as he took a step down, his hand going to his side to rest on the hilt of Masamune.

“That’s not true! You’re my family!” Zack said, the anger draining quickly from his voice, leaving only heartbreak. Though there was still ample space between them, he backed away from the base of the staircase anyway.

“You have no right to talk to me about love or family, Zackary. You abandoned me a long time ago. You left me for Angeal, took him from me. Don’t you think I noticed how disgusted with me you were when we were young? That you were afraid of me? I only took an interest in Cloud to show you what it feels like to have someone taken away from you. So tell me, how does it feel?” Sephiroth’s voice still sounded soft and low, like a gentle caress on a warm summer night, but his eyes twinkled darkly with the hurt and betrayal he spoke of.

“You can’t be serious! You can’t!” Zack sounded just as desperately hurt as he felt. He felt like the ground underneath him was disappearing. He made the mistake of looking down at the floor, which was nothing but a metal grid, showing the stinking pool of mako below them which seemed much too fragile to hold for the heaviness he felt.

“Oh, I am very serious, Zackary. You have had everything. Loving parents, friends, the choice of joining Shin-Ra. You had Angeal, Aerith. Then you were given SOLDIER strength, a promotion to First Class, and more money than you knew what to do with. People call you a hero, and I remain the Demon of Wutai. You have had everything, and I had nothing. You wouldn’t even let me have Cloud in the end.” Sephiroth’s voice gradually filled with disdain as he spoke. He kept closing the distance between them. Zack couldn’t believe that the look on Sephiroth’s face was now directed towards him. The horrifying coldness, the nothingness that settled in when Sephiroth was going into battle, and he wasn’t ready for it.

“No. You had him too. You still do. Come back with us. Whatever you’re thinking of doing, don’t. We’ll work it out.” Zack wanted to mean what he said, but even he could hear the lack of resolve in his voice. A quick glance behind him told him he was running out of time to stall the fight. If he backed himself into the corridor he wouldn’t only lose, he would die. Everything about Sephiroth told him that he was ready to kill.

“Pathetic. You’re just as treacherous as the rest of them, but no matter. I understand now that I must rid the world of this plague called humans. You destroy everything you touch. I will save this world, Zackary, from you. I’ll be the last hero this world will ever need.” Sephiroth drew his sword and pointed the tip to Zack’s heart.

“I don’t want to fight you, please don’t make me fight you.” Zack whispered as he rearranged his body into his battle stance, stinging tears of bitter disappointment rolling down his cheeks. He knew he should be angrier. Why couldn’t he find his anger?! Where was it?!

His first block to Sephiroth’s blow sent him backwards, right into the doorway to the corridor. It wasn’t good, but it quickly made him snap out of his head. He ducked another blow by rolling forward on the floor, getting him away from the wall and the corridor at least. He still relied heavily on his defence while trying to wrap his head around Sephiroth’s words, which were now echoing in his head. ‘The last hero’? Blows were raining quickly over him, he parried them with a small margin, but it didn’t take that much effort. 

“What do you mean save the world? From who?” Zack felt he needed clarification. He had a horrible, sinking feeling, and everything he knew told him that his fears were correct. Still, he couldn’t accept them.

Sephiroth had a haunting sneer on his face which grew even wider as he said, “The plague of humanity, dear Zackary.” It wasn’t until Sephiroth landed a blow on his face, opening up the scar along his jaw that Angeal had left him that Zack understood Sephiroth was just toying with him. The realisation more than the cut sent a wave of dread through him, and he reflexively touched his hand to the scar, a habit he’d had since Angeal’s death. A gesture that now soaked his glove in blood.

“Stop this!” Finally, Zack could feel his anger rise, and he breathed into it, welcoming it. He hoped desperately that it would be enough for him to win this.

Sephiroth just snickered and pulled his sword to his side to turn the tip in the air. Zack realised too late that it was the start of one of Sephiroth’s best mastered combinations of blows. He was too late to cast a protective barrier, too late to dodge, but he managed to take a defensive stance at least. All he could do was prepare to take the damage and hope he could find an opening to cure himself afterwards. It was a truly fearsome sight to have Sephiroth charge against him. It wasn’t the look in Sephiroth’s eyes, his battle aura or his feral scream as he charged that sent another shiver of terror through Zack. It was Sephiroth’s beauty. It was the ease and fluidity of his movements, the way he moved his sword which made it look as if it was one with his body. The way his long silver tresses moved like a silver curtain, never in the way, always providing a shimmering background to the black figure that so gracefully whipped up a torrent of lethal sword blows. Had Zack not managed to block them all, any one of them would have killed him.

“You’re really trying to do this? Kill me?!” Zack huffed, between disbelief and resentment and much more exhausted than he was comfortable with.

“Yes.” There was no hesitation in Sephiroth’s voice, just deadly determination and a haughty smirk. It was Sephiroth’s high-handedness that gave Zack the chance to heal himself, but it took a good third of his MP, and he had no high ethers with him. Another one of those attacks and he’d be as good as dead. That meant Cloud would probably be next up, and finally, finally that thought enabled him to find his battle flow. That flow that his mako enhancements had given him in exchange for the opportunity of a normal life. The same exchange that had put him in this very damned fight.

With a scream of his own, Zack charged Sephiroth, managed a feint with his sword that allowed him a direct hit with a high levelled ice spell. His customized implant let him know that his body was modulating phase, which hopefully meant a limit break was only seconds away. The implant had given him an interface to the way his limit break worked, giving a little structure to his inherently unpredictable final attack system, but the interface bought him a little more time to plan ahead. His limit break borrowed final attacks from the people around him who’d meant most to him. It fit him perfectly, because it lent him strength from the people he loved, reminding him of them, even when he fought alone. 

It wasn’t without pain that his limit clicked into place with Sephiroth’s signature final attack: Octaslash. Zack’s limbs felt heavy as he aimed, leapt into the air, tensed up his frame and brought his sword down for the first of eight blows. 

Sephiroth was clearly taken aback by his own limit break used against him, a pained look haunting his face. He knew Zack’s limit breaks were heavily dependent on his emotions, his love in particular, which made it hard to deny that it was there, and real. He’d never seen Zack execute it before, and it was decidedly bad timing for him to see it now. It made his resolution for his plans waver significantly. He found himself distracted with trying to understand what this all meant. He couldn’t back down on the fight now. His only two options were to win or to lose. These two choices were suddenly spurring a parallel battle in his mind, and he truly wasn’t sure how he wanted it to end. In his distraction, he managed to block Zack’s first three blows, but the four following ones hit him hard. The last one might have finished him, but at the last moment Zack twisted himself in the air to let the killing strike miss its target. It made him land on one of the lower platforms to the left side of the stairs, off balance. The following prolonged recovery of the attack gave Sephiroth the opening he needed.

“It’s a weakness, Zack. Can’t you see?” Sephiroth said with disdain as he took his chance to step down with all the strength he could muster on top of Zack’s sword hand, breaking innumerable bones in his hands. The Buster Sword fell with an echoing, metallic clatter onto the platform below. With a quick flick of his hand he drained Zack’s remaining MP to zero and kicked him hard enough to roll him to his back. With cold contemplation, he placed his boot on Zack’s throat and stepped down on it, not hard enough to kill him, or even to crush his windpipe. Just hard enough to strike terror in his heart and make him struggle with his undamaged hand. Tears of anger, frustration and humiliation spilled from Zack’s lovely face as it twisted and slowly turned red, then purple.

“How should I finish this, hmm?” Sephiroth sounded sickly sweet as he bent down over Zack. He managed to smoothly replace his boot on Zack’s throat with his gloved hand, cool against Zack’s clammy skin. He slid down to straddle Zack’s waist, and in the blink of an eye he’d pinned Zack’s arms down under his legs. Zack screamed in agony when his crushed hand was caught up in the motion, and the sound sent a shiver of thrill down Sephiroth’s spine. Sephiroth’s hand came to stroke Zack’s face while he looked down on his pitiable little former friend.

“Did you have a good run as the whore of Shin-Ra?” Sephiroth murmured softly as he pulled a short little dagger from his boot. He’d never used it, but it was a gift from Angeal, and he’d carried it around ever since. Wouldn’t it be fitting to carve Zack’s life away with it? “You got to travel a lot, meet a lot of people… and fuck them?” 

Zack’s face flinched with hurt at the degrading words. His face slowly twisted into a troubled frown as the realisation dawned on him. Sephiroth was jealous? Was that it? Was this about jealousy?

“Seph,” Zack wheezed and coughed after the rough treatment of his throat, “why didn’t you tell me?” His face twisted again to reflect deep regret and sorrow.

The smugness left Sephiroth, replaced by chilling revulsion, even confusion, and he spat in Zack’s face while he pushed Zack’s top up to expose his chest. He placed the tip of the dagger over Zack’s heart and started pushing it in. Zack couldn’t avert his eyes from his friend, who had such a frantic look about him that he was barely recognisable, and it broke Zack’s heart. It made him feel so dejected he barely felt the knife cutting his skin, and then further into his flesh. All he could think of was how much torment it would have taken for Sephiroth to reach this point. He felt profound regret that he hadn’t spent more time with Sephiroth or asked more questions when they were young. He should have talked with Sephiroth when he’d decided to end their fling. Perhaps he could have avoided all of this.

Though he didn’t notice too much of the pain from the dagger carving into him, his hand being much worse, he did feel his life slip away. The more distant the world seemed, the more palpable Sephiroth’s frenzied excitement became. He could feel Sephiroth shift his weight above him, and suddenly his face was inches away. Sephiroth’s heated, quick breaths washed over his face. He could smell Sephiroth’s familiar scent, slightly flowery, like jasmine, and it brought back so many happy memories. When he felt Sephiroth’s lips on his he didn’t have it in his heart to resist, no matter how guilty he felt about not being able to muster more anger for Cloud’s sake. He let Sephiroth ravish his mouth, meeting Sephiroth’s rampant power trip with sodden love and regret. He even managed to dislodge the hand that wasn’t crushed and let it comb through Sephiroth’s hair.

It was in the middle of the kiss that he felt the searing pain above his heart. Sephiroth must have noticed, because he withdrew from the kiss to allow him to see the cause of it. On his chest he saw Sephiroth’s slender hand, ungloved, with his fingers sinking into the wound, making the blood overflow by pumping inside him, as if he was really looking to grab his beating heart and rip it out. It was such a monstrous gesture, it made him long for his life to finish leaving him. Despair settled into his being and he pulled on Sephiroth’s hair until his face was close again.

“I’m sorry,” was all that Zack had left to say. Another little pull allowed his lips to brush Sephiroth’s cheek, but he couldn’t move them anymore. The last thing he saw before his world turned black was Sephiroth’s bewildered face. His eyes fell closed with the feeling that he’d had the last blow after all, having poked a little, temporary hole in Sephiroth’s madness.

Sephiroth recoiled from the almost-kiss as if he’d been burned by it. Suddenly his hand in Zack’s body looked foreign, absurd, heinous even. He yanked it out. He’d intended to… What had he been meaning to do? Kill Zack, for sure, but now it suddenly seemed a little extreme. He asked himself if death really was the proper punishment? Perhaps it would be better yet to leave him alive? After all, death was easy for the ones who died. 

He’d read a book when he was a young teenager, where the first sentence had been ‘Death – the high cost of living’. Already then, he’d known the book had been wrong. The cost of living was simply to keep on living; to be left behind. The idea to leave Zack’s death up to chance seemed more appealing by the moment, and his legs raised him from where he’d sat so that Zack was no longer within reach. His eyes lingered a moment on the blood still spilling out of the wound in roiling spurts. It never ceased to amaze him how much blood the human body could contain, and how much could be lost without dying. Two more steps, and he was back to climbing the staircase to the small central chamber marked ‘Jenova’.

…

Cloud rushed into the central chamber of the mako reactor, distressed and haunted after finding his mother killed— not by the fire, but by a blade. His mind was already roiling with thoughts as to why, but naturally, none made sense, and so the thoughts just whirred around in an endless cyclone of anxiety. An anxiety which was increased tenfold when he saw Tifa and Zack both lying lifeless in the main hall. Tifa on a platform, and Zack lying on his back on the stairs. He ran to Tifa first and stayed only long enough to check that she was alive. To his surprise, he found her more than alive; she was awake. Her eyes widened in recognition when she saw him without the helmet, but that was all he got. Well, that and her spitting “I hate him. I hate him and Shin-Ra. Fuck you, all of you.” Then she turned away from him, curling into herself.

Cloud squeezed her shoulder hastily before running over to Zack. He could hardly breathe when he realised just how much blood there was. He swallowed his panic as he cast a cure that visibly knitted the flesh on the wound in his chest together again, but it did nothing for the blood loss.

“Zack? Zack!” Cloud breathed in a shrill voice, hands on his shoulders and ear to Zack’s mouth. Every heartbeat seemed like an eternity, until he could finally pick up on Zack’s faint breathing. A useless, relieved sob escaped him to find Zack alive. Though his SOLDIER-training made him aware that he should continue his pursuit of Sephiroth, he couldn’t stop himself from scooping Zack up to his chest, gently holding the back of his neck. Another wave of relief washed over Cloud when Zack opened his eyes.

“I weakened him, but I couldn’t finish him. He wants to destroy the whole world. Please Cloud...” Zack’s voice was faint and full of fear, regret and sadness. It was as unsettling as the meaning of the words themselves.

“ _He_ did this? To you?!” Cloud hissed. The nod Zack gave seemed almost apologetic, as if it was somehow his own fault he was wounded. Cloud gave Zack the most comforting smile he could conjure. He was fully aware that Zack had wounds beyond his capabilities of healing magic, and truly, he wondered if he’d ever been so worried in his life. He grasped for something to say, but nothing seemed quite right, and he had no time to think about it. Instead, he lowered Zack back to the stairs and kissed his brow, which granted Cloud a deeply grateful, peaceful look. Cloud thought in alarm that Zack looked too peaceful, as if he was ready to let go of his life. He let that spark his fury as he picked up Zack’s Buster Sword. Quietly, he ascended the staircase with unwavering steps, the sword already pointed to its target.

He found Sephiroth in the smaller central chamber. The chamber consisted of a platform that served as the floor that led up to the huge mako tank with the label ‘Jenova’ on it. Beyond the platform was nothing but a drop down into the mako pool that fuelled the reactor. Sephiroth was facing a large mako tank that harboured yet another of Shin-Ra’s experiments. All the tubes from the pods in the main hall seemed to connect to this tank, making it the focal point of the entire reactor. Jenova’s face was obscured by a steel mask, and the shape of it was humanoid with female markers, but the skin was the colour of decay, the naked features twisted and gruesome, and a cascade of silver hair the same as Sephiroth’s framed the morbid being. 

He could hear Sephiroth speaking softly to it, as if it were something precious and alive. Though he could only see Sephiroth’s back, he felt as if the wool had been pulled from his eyes. He couldn’t find any of that beauty he’d worshipped for so long in the being, the monster, in front of him. He seemed less like a god and more like an empty shell, or at best, someone broken beyond repair. He felt repulsed by himself for ever seeing something else.

He’d seen the horror movies. He’d had the appropriate training. He knew what he had to do. Trying to stir the air as little as possible, stepping as softly as he could, he shifted his weight to rush at Sephiroth, to build momentum for the coming thrust. He knew the only way he’d manage a killing blow was if he’d catch Sephiroth by surprise. In fair combat he would have no chance whatsoever, and that was fine. It was simply the facts.

Cloud could feel the Buster Sword connect with Sephiroth’s body. He felt it sink through the flesh, the resistance of his spine, and the snap when it broke in two. The sword moved forth through the bowels easily, proceeded through air on the other side of Sephiroth’s body and then came to an abrupt halt as it sank into the glass of the mako chamber and cracked it. He pulled a deep breath and on the exhale, he yanked the sword back with a full-bodied leap to avoid the cascade of the mako as the tank shattered. 

Though he knew Sephiroth would be the strongest enemy he’d ever face, he was sure the direct hit with the broad sword that nearly cut Sephiroth in half would be enough to finish him. He expected Sephiroth’s body to fall to the ground when the tank broke, but when the fluid had drained from the tank, Sephiroth was soaked but still standing. Cloud was given no recognition and Sephiroth said nothing. Sephiroth just reached out to tear the mask from the creature, and dropped it on the ground. After that, Cloud watched in horror as Sephiroth reached out again, this time tearing the head from the creature’s body. The unsettling sound of severing vertebrae, ligaments and preserved blood vessels joined the sound of the mako dripping from from the edges of the platform floor and joining the pool of mako at the bottom of the reactor. 

Cloud kept staring at Sephiroth’s waist where his sword had just sliced through his entire body, and found only a handful streaks of blood that seeped out, but it wasn’t pouring. It looked more like licks of iridescent, burgundy paint than the spouts of blood he’d seen pouring out of Zack. Sephiroth finally turned around, while drawing his sword with one hand and cradling Jenova’s head with the other. Cloud felt another chill from the haunted, desperate look on Sephiroth’s face, that quickly warped into a smug smile when their eyes met.

“Cloud, would you like to meet my mother?” Sephiroth said with a soft, wicked humour that didn’t quite reach his eyes. His eyes exuded madness, but Cloud thought he saw something else flicker in them too. Relief? But he had no idea what Sephiroth could possibly feel relief for.

“Zack was your family! And I wanted to be!” Cloud’s chilling fury seeped into his voice as he raised the Buster Sword again. Sephiroth simply snickered and shook his head, but it seemed to Cloud that he was shaking his head at something else other than his words. There was something sad, almost disappointed in Sephiroth’s movements. A quick flick of Masamune sent the Buster Sword clattering to the floor.

“Did it make you feel better to hurt him?” Cloud asked, with contempt lacing every syllable. His eyes followed the movement of Masamune as it was drawn to Sephiroth’s side and then thrust forward to penetrate his chest, just under his ribcage. He looked down in disbelief where the sword entered him, and then dragged his eyes to meet Sephiroth’s as Sephiroth lifted him by the sword up in the air. Though the thought was absurd, he found something deeply ironic about having been impaled on both ends of that damned sword. He expected Sephiroth’s expression would be triumphant, but there was something else going on, something muted and wavering. Perhaps he was remembering the same thing?

It didn’t hurt as much as he thought it would. Perhaps this is what all the pain he’d received had prepared him for? It was a farfetched thought, but it was the only one he had. He then had his own moment of relief, understanding that he had absolutely nothing more to lose. Without conscious thought, that knowledge lent him the strength to grip the blade with his gloved hands and pulled himself forward on it until his feet made contact with the floor again. 

“Not Zack, you?” Sephiroth said hesitantly, his face flashing with confusion. He’d thought that Zack would be the one to kill him today, but he didn’t mind Cloud doing it. Not at all. With that thought broke into that sad, soft smile that Cloud had so often pictured. Cloud put it out of his mind and managed to shift the balance to instead lift Sephiroth, who was still holding on to Masamune, up in the air. Before Sephiroth had a chance to let go of the sword, Cloud twisted his body like winding a spring. Untwisting it, he managed to fling Sephiroth, along with Masamune, past the platform they stood on, against the far wall. The unexpected burst of power surprised Cloud as much as it would have anyone. Sephiroth’s back slammed hard into the wall, electric wires broke and shocked him, and he fell the long way down into the pool of mako that fuelled the reactor. As he fell, he wondered if Angeal had been feeling the same things as he was. Sadness, shame, anger and disappointment over the fact his life never amounted to anything more than fleeting moments of happiness. It had all gone wrong. He wondered what good those dreams Angeal encouraged him to have ever did for him? Nothing. They had just led him here, to a rather humiliating dead end. When his wounded body hit the poisonous mako, he'd brought the head of Jenova to his forehead. He felt his dreams, the little sliver of hope for a more fulfilling life that had kept him going, as well as his life being cut off abruptly, and he was not ready to go. He wished his mother could have helped him belong somewhere, or with _someone_ , if only for a little bit more time.

Cloud fell to his knees with his hands pressing down on the wound on his chest. It did little to nothing to stop the bleeding, and he could feel it gushing from his exit wound as well, warming and soaking his back too. He busied himself with crawling towards the staircase, but when he reached it he was completely drained and fell forward to slide down it instead. Even though he landed next to Zack, he was too tired to reach out for him, and the image that haunted his mind before comforting darkness took him was that of Sephiroth’s tender, open and vulnerable smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mhmmmm... thoughts? Any thoughts? 
> 
> There are a bunch of one-offs around that I’ve written. Two short clack/ zakkura, and two with Angeal and Zack. They're way more uplifting than this, if you feel like being uplifted... 
> 
> Yep.


	29. C/Z Colouring outside of the lines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud and Zack escape the laboratories and make their way towards Midgar.
> 
> This chapter contains death and thoughts of suicide. Soft hearts be warned. Here be angst.

Sometimes Zack regained consciousness enough to open his eyes. He found the world was tainted in green. At first it made him think of the beautiful mako pools in the cave where he and Cloud had had their date, but unfortunately the truth was a bit more disappointing. When he realised he was inside a mako chamber the green seemed to dull out to a dirty, poisonous shade that makes his skin crawl, hell, it made his lungs crawl because it was in there too. In his lungs, making the world exist only in the slow, random flicker of waking up every now and then.

Once, he’d opened his eyes to see Cloud on the operating table in front of his tank. Hojo was there, along with a handful of other staff members, performing surgery of some sort. He could hear the cracks of Cloud’s ribcage being opened, and then Hojo’s hands were digging around inside Cloud with his gruesome hands. There were screens projecting information and statistics on the far side wall that the staff constantly glanced at. He knew this should alarm him, but he found it immensely difficult to grasp his own thoughts and feelings, and that was all he could think before the world went out as if someone put the lights out.

At times he could see Hojo and other laboratory staff in the room. At one point Hojo was there, right in front of him. Even though their eyes met there was no contact. It was one of the strangest, most vile moments of his life, he thought. How could Hojo stare right at him without recognising him as a human being? To think that this man was Sephiroth’s father. It was truly unfathomable. It made him think that all things considered, perhaps Sephiroth hadn't turned out too strange after all. The feeling of being inhuman was lingering so he looked down at his own hands to make sure they still looked normal. To make sure he hadn’t been twisted into something like the grotesque creatures in the pods he’d seen at the reactor. But no, his hands looked the same, except for the still bright pink scars along his arms that indicated that he too had been cut open. 

Zack often let his thoughts drift away into memories of Angeal. Earlier, thoughts of Angeal lent him a sense of security and happiness, something he could draw strength from, something that made him feel taller, prouder. They still did sometimes, but sometimes they took him somewhere else, somewhere that stained his inner light with deep, dark cracks of brokenness. Deep enough to seem irreparable. To those times, he closed his eyes and begged to fade out of consciousness again.

Next to him, in another mako chamber was Cloud. He looked peaceful, but seeing him there unsettled him deeply. How long had they been in there? What were all those tubes going into Cloud’s arms? He looked down and found them in his own arms too. Gaia, no… He had to get them out of there. He’d try, next time he woke up and no one was there… He would. He would make it. He had to get them out of there.

…

He couldn’t remember how many tries it had taken to be able to move enough to break the glass of the mako chamber. Many. Too many. The relief when it broke, and when he yanked the tubes out of his arms was immediate and overwhelming. Even though it was difficult to move, he stood up and switched Cloud’s mako-chamber off. When Cloud fell into his arms the relief took on unbearable proportions and got displaced as a laughter that sounded wrong, even to himself. 

He found Cloud was pretty out of it, barely aware enough to support any of his own weight. It was probably mako poisoning, and if that was correct, he was probably staying that way for a while. Zack found it disgusting that they were still in their Shin-Ra uniforms, mako- soaked and full of tears and cuts from their battles with Sephiroth. As if they weren’t even worth enough to get changed into patient attire. Trademark of Hojo he thought, and grimaced in disgust.

Wasting no time, he found his buster sword and his PHS in an empty locker in what he presumed was the staff’s changing room. There were still things in the other lockers, so he presumed staff were scheduled back at some point. He only had to pass through a couple of doors before he understood that they were still in the Shin-Ra mansion in Nibelheim, in the secret basement’s laboratory. He dragged Cloud upstairs and placed him carefully on a dusty bed in one of the guest rooms. Somehow, the effort had him heaving, but he didn’t allow himself to dwell on that. 

He found two First Class SOLDIER uniforms in an otherwise empty closet, which miraculously fit himself and Cloud perfectly. Seeing Cloud in the midnight blue he knew Cloud had dreamed of for so long, was a deeply bittersweet experience. But it’d keep them out of trouble, and relieve them of the painful memories their old uniforms carried.

Only when he knew he’d be able to run immediately if need be, he crawled into the bed, wrapped Cloud’s arms around him and checked his phone. It was full of e-mails of many colleagues at Shin-Ra, who apparently refused to believe that he’d gone missing in action. They weren’t timestamped though due to security precautions, to which he sighed heavily. Six e-mails from Kunsel, two from Cissnei, and one each from a bunch of other people. He’d barely made it through the first one before he found himself crying. He knew escaping the labs was very much biting the hand that had fed them, and that was something he was unprepared for. He’d put all his energy into making it in Shin-Ra, never ever considering that he’d willingly leave.

He knew they’d be hunted until found, or found dead. He finished reading the e-mails with great effort, then set the alarm to go off at 23.00 hours. The Mansion was empty now, for whatever reason, and it was unlikely that staff would return before the next day, as lab work was usually a day-time job. He focused on the heat of Cloud’s arms around him, stroking the soft skin of Cloud’s inner arms, doing his best to pretend that things were going to be ok. He needed to believe that so that he could rest, and it wasn’t so hard. Remembering Cloud in the mako chamber was so much worse aftera ll. Whatever Hojo had done it couldn’t have been good if it warranted the chambers. They were only for healing near fatal damage or long term stasis, and even then, they were only used as a last resort. The mako concentration in them was not kind on the mind. But he was feeling quite alright, right? He turned around to face Cloud in the bed, clinging to him. Yeah, he had to be.

…

Soon they were out on the roads. If they were moving through forest lands they could move during the day, but the more frequent, open landscapes they only travelled by night, taking cover in the darkness. Zack had left the PHS behind from fear of it being traceable, and he’d found some very basic supplies that he’d stuffed into his uniform. At first, it was kind of a high to be out of Shin-Ra with Cloud safe, alive and far away from a mako chamber. He tried to let Cloud carry as much of his own weight as possible, to stimulate his muscles and nervous systems when the landscape and time permitted them, but at times he had to carry Cloud piggyback. 

He’d found an envelope with Cloud’s name on it in Cloud’s old uniform. He assumed it was the money he knew Cloud had been sending his mother, because the envelope was full of tens of thousands of gil. How she had made ends meet without them, he didn’t know, but it sure came in handy now. When they came to small villages or lone farmhouses, he’d buy them new rations and a few nights in a warm bed. Usually he went with the story of his brother getting mako poisoning in the Wutai War. It hadn’t been very common, but it had happened to some unlucky bastards. The point was that he knew few were willing to discuss the war, even now. It had done too much damage and people just hadn’t recovered from it yet. The lie worked like a charm.

Every night he wrapped himself in Cloud’s arms. He supposed he should really be keeping Cloud safe, but he didn’t have it in him to deny himself the comfort of Cloud’s arms around himself. It was the only one he could readily find. He had a little moment every morning before he remembered that Cloud was ill, and that they were on the run. He kept in good spirits though, and always talked to Cloud from the firm standpoint that Cloud could hear him, and would wake up any time, or at least within the foreseeable future.

He talked to Cloud about Angeal, how much they would have liked each other if they’d had the chance. He told how Angeal had taught him the wilderness skills he was using to help them get by now. When he’d drained that topic, he moved on to tell Cloud about how Angeal had trained him. How Angeal had talked about dreams and honour, and always taught him that it was something separate from SOLDIER. A person’s honour had to be their own. It was not something the company could buy. 

Sometimes he had to interrupt his own talk abruptly, because stories of Angeal would inevitably lead to stories of Sephiroth, and those littered his memories like landmines with a trigger radius of ten meters. If he even got close to one of those memories he felt as if his chest got crushed. He’d never experienced panic attacks before, but he’d learned how to deal with other people’s panic in his training. Now he had to apply it to himself to not lose his shit altogether. It wasn’t pleasant, but he kept himself with glue and string for Cloud’s sake.

Little by little, the fabric of his relief was getting weakened. New threads of weariness and worries nestled into it, causing his patience and resilience he’d always thought was endless to knot, chafe and weaken. After three months he felt as if he’d already told Cloud the story of his life in minute detail at least ten times over, and all that was left were the holes he’d left out, the holes that Sephiroth had left behind.

Though he’d tried not to dwell on it at first, he frequently found himself thinking of Shin-Ra. They’d only had a few run-ins with Shin-Ra troopers, probably on the lookout for them around Nibelheim. Zack found that he could only fight them off with great difficulty, but thankfully his strength seemed to be returning. It had been shocking though, to find himself fighting the company that he’d vouched for, that he’d dedicated his life to, that he’d sacrificed so much for. He hadn’t even begun to understand how much he’d given up until now. It was an incredibly bitter realisation. One that put Genesis’ and Angeal’s decisions to leave in a fresh, new light.

He tried so hard not to think that their escaping Shin-Ra was impossible. He had to believe that they could somehow succeed. It wasn’t until they were fugitives, that he saw how powerful and widespread the influence of the company actually was. It made him feel sick to his very bones that he’d helped them build and keep that power. That he’d believed so wholeheartedly it had been the right thing to do. He ended up dwelling a lot on what was right and what was wrong, mostly because he feared that he’d entirely lost his ability to differentiate between them. Perhaps that too was part of Shin-Ra’s training?

The times he laid on his back, hand in hand next to Cloud on soft forest moss, grassy fields, dry steppe under vast, starry skies, and the times where he could wash them off in little rivers were still cheering him up, but the cheerfulness wouldn’t last.

At some point Zack’s steps had become heavier. His mood was frequently mirrored by the long stretches of barren landscapes, dry and cracked. He didn’t fail to notice that the vast areas coincided with mako reactors and that the barren landscapes were much more frequent than any forest or grasslands. He’d never seen a map that reflected that, and probably for good reasons. Most world maps were issued by Shin-Ra’s cartography department.

One morning Zack woke up with the distinct knowledge that he’d walked into the last chapter of his life. It wasn’t a reasonable feeling, but it seemed very real. Definite. The knots on his former confidence were chafing him with every step. They had long since scraped rivets and wounds in his skin, and now they had cut all the way to his heart. He didn’t have enough to fight it anymore, and that added the weight of guilt on top of everything else, because he still had Cloud, in a way.

He did his best to keep up his one-sided conversations with Cloud. His relationship with Cloud was the only good thing his life in Shin-Ra had amounted to. He didn’t want to leave him, even though he knew he was ready. He felt worn down. His former conviction that everything would be fine was nowhere in him to be found. It had finally slipped through his fingers, and he hadn’t even noticed when. Perhaps it had grown wings and joined Angeal up in the sky?

At first the comfort of Cloud’s presence had been plenty, but now his hands on Cloud’s beloved body only reminded him of what they could no longer could share. A new kind of problem rose, one of ethics and hands. It would have been so easy to take comfort in Cloud’s sleeping, trusting body. He missed Cloud so much. At times he nearly forgot that Cloud wasn’t going to wake up any time now, and those times now only served as high points to contrast the steady low. Only Cloud’s beating heart and slow and steady breaths kept him from losing the last shard of hope for better times yet to come.

…

Cloud wasn’t sure when he’d become self-aware again. His body felt like a machine he had no idea how to operate, a shell he couldn’t possess, something he felt from the outside, rather than the inside. He remembered hearing a familiar voice that was always, always talking to him. He couldn’t make out the words at first, but the sound of it was comforting and it made him feel safe. It was so warm and caring that he wondered what it was saying. He wanted so desperately to know.

The voice, and the longing to know more about the source of it, kept him trying to understand the workings of his body again. He did his best to find his way back into it. The first thing he understood was the ground under his feet. He somehow found his legs again and tried to remember what it was like to move them. He tried to remember what it was like to stand, walk and to be on Gaia. He remembered day and night that painted the world a bright red or a pitch black.

He also understood the liquids that were ever so gently poured into him. They were sometimes clear and tasteless, sometimes thicker, and sometimes downright disgusting, but he swallowed them anyway. He didn’t want to disappoint the hands that tilted his head back so carefully and wiped away any drops that spilled. He wanted those hands to keep returning to him.

It wasn’t long after that, he started to understand the voice that was talking to him, and though he wasn’t sure of who’s it was or why it was telling him about his life, his childhood, his training, every happy moment he’d had in his life, he felt a great warmth towards this person. He treasured the stories themselves as well as being trusted with them. It made him feel important.

He’d been listening for a while before the voice started talking about them, together.

“Aah, I’ve never been so nervous as that time I met you on the sector eight platform after your first mission. I’ve never had to get drunk before to… put my moves on someone. Angeal had been nagging me for months to get me going. He was so fed up with listening to me pining and swooning over you behind your back. Like, he wasn’t jealous, I don’t think. I wonder now if he was thinking of leaving Shin-Ra already and wanted me to have someone… close.” 

The tone of the voice was light, but it was still filled with nostalgia, embarrassment, and amusement. It sounded generous and contemplative, as if he was careful to put all of himself into his words.

The man laughed, and it sounded so very lovely, intimate and easy. “I still remember you shouting in the theatre bar, at-,” the man quieted abruptly, and he could almost feel the tension bleed into the shell of his body from the direction of the voice. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you angry like that since. Can you tell me about it later? I keep wondering what made you so angry..” The voice was a little less chipper as it went on.

“Then later, when we got to my place and you agreed to stay the night, I thought my heart was going to explode. I was really upset with Angeal, I remember. I knew he was keeping something from me, but at the same time there was you. You surprised me so many times that night, Cloud.”

Cloud, that was his own name then? Cloud. Cloud. He tried the thought out, he tried to pour it over his lips, but he couldn’t find them, but the thought of his own name was familiar. Like a well-beaten path.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been so nervous as when I told you I wanted to kiss you, I swear!” 

The man gave another easy laughter, one he wanted to chime in with. He could almost imagine the sound of his own voice when he heard this man laughing. It sounded oddly lonely by itself.

“You were so rational about it! I’d actually looked up Nibelheim’s attitudes towards homosexuality! Yeah! And nothing I found was encouraging. A part of me really thought I didn’t have a chance. That you’d be disgusted, push me away or even hit me. Or at the very least be more afraid. Instead you just asked a bunch of questions.”

Fragmented memories came to him when the man was telling the story. A yellow sofa. Piles of clothing on the floor. A comfortable weight on his lap, and something that tickled his stomach in the most wonderful way. A welcome weight on his chest, on his entire body. He wanted to ask what questions he’d asked. He tried, he tried to find his voice, his lips, but his body was still outside of his reach. He tried so hard it whited out the voice, and he had to stop in favour of listening.

“… and it was just the sweetest thing to be so close to you. I’ve had many first kisses Cloud, and I’ve been close to many people,” the man chuckled softly, “but with you… Ugh, I don’t even like to talk about this kind of stuff. Words are never enough, and least of all with you.”

It was strange feeling a surge of warmth slowly trickling into the body he wasn’t inside of. It made him think of his helmet that allowed him night vision, seeing bodies only as outlines of warmth of varying degrees. He wasn’t sure how he knew this. He’d been a soldier? Anyway, night vision was the closest to what he was experiencing now when his own body was lighting up with a golden and pink warmth. The body beside him… though it made no sense it was a warm blue, even though blue wasn’t really a warm colour. Perhaps his understanding of colours was wrong, because that voice was the loveliest thing he’d ever heard. It nurtured him and warmed him just like he knew the sun nurtured the plants of Gaia.

The man was constantly touching him too, and it helped him feel the borders of his body. When they weren’t on the move or sleeping, sometimes the man laid him down on grass, or dry, cracked soil and described what he sawt. The man took off his gloves and pushed his hand into moist moss, cold stones or running water. His favourite beyond all else was when the man took his hands. The touches let him know the benefits of taking residence inside that body of his again. 

The other man’s touch called to him, promised him a life that he came to desperately want. He tried to find a way into his body again, a way to connect with it, but it simply would not happen. He tried until him trying was the only thing that existed, and it hurt. He’d try until his existence was nothing but pain and frustration for failing, and when he’d failed countless times, he felt raw anger. An anger that painted the shell of his body a dark red, almost brown, almost black. Not an empty black, but a red so dense it just had to be black to contain itself.

He loved the times when the man laid him down for sleep. The man always whispered the most tender things then. The man told him how happy he’d been that they’d met, for the time they’d had together, and how much he looked forward to the rest of their time. He shared his dreams for them, of finding a little place to live, having a small circle of friends, sharing meals, working… He promised he’d keep the place clean, do all the dishes and laundry… It was sweet. And the man always laced their fingers together. Sometimes so hard that he felt the blood flow being hampered in his fingers, which was odd to know, when he didn’t really feel that he was inside his own body, but he couldn’t care less.

For the most part he could sleep when the man did, but even if he didn’t, he could often enjoy the serenity of feeling the man’s body heat along his front. From his arms that always wrapped around the other man, he could feel the man’s chest falling and rising with steady breaths. He’d listen to the sounds of the wind. Sometimes it was rustling trees, sometimes not. It was very rarely entirely quiet, and if it was, he could hear the other man’s breaths which wasn’t bad either.

The mornings were nice too. The other man would often snuggle close, kiss his face, murmur his name. If they were in an inn, the other man seemed to have a harder time getting up. He’d often mumble about breakfast, feigning indecisiveness, making up any silly excuse for not getting up. It was quite endearing. But he could tell, the other man’s chatting had become more scarce. There were pregnant silences now, and they weren’t comfortable. He could hear sorrow and loneliness creeping into the other man’s voice. He understood very well that the other must be hiding things, sad things, from him. He wished he wouldn’t, but he understood why. If their roles were reversed, he’d probably do the same.

It was on a morning he felt as if his soul finally settled into his body again. They’d slept outdoors, but not on the ground. The surface underneath him was too hard. They were laying on their sides as usual, but for once the man had fallen asleep behind him instead of in front of him. He felt the man’s arm begin to stir. His hand was squeezed before it was let go. His arm was caressed up and down, and then the other man’s hand snuck to his stomach, easing in along his skin, under the layers of fabric and… leather?

He felt the shell of his body being filled with that warm, golden glow again. It felt familiar. He had no idea when he last felt so good, so happy, so relaxed, so safe… So at ease with being Cloud, whoever that was. He was sure he’d been an alright fellow, if this other man loved him half as much as he seemed to. In that moment things seemed uncomplicated. He was just him, and he was there, clearly with his dearest friend, his lover. Though he knew he was sick, in that moment he didn’t care.

The other man’s hand was palming his chest, and with the other man’s entire lower arm he was pressed closer to the body behind him. The embrace was almost crushing, but it didn’t feel bad, only comforting. He could feel the other man pressing his hips against his backside, and that too, felt incredibly right. He could feel the other man’s arousal, and then he could feel his own. At once he understood the meaning behind the man’s stories about them being together. He could feel their connection, he felt the feelings of their memories, even if he couldn’t remember them himself in detail. He knew the stories well by now.

He felt the man shift around. The heat along his back disappeared. Fabric rustled softly. There was a clunk like metal against wood. Armour? He was pretty sure they had some, on their shoulders at least.

One of the man’s hands were on his cheek, stroking it softly with a rough thumb. Small, soft kisses were given to him with cracked, dry lips on his cheeks, his hair, his eyes.

“Cloud?” The man sounded sleepy, drowsy, intimate and a bit questioning.

“Wake up Cloud.” It was such a soft call, and he wanted so badly to respond to it. He remembered leaning into the touch, and he leaned into the memory of doing so.

The other man’s hands came to the sides of his face, cradling it gently. It felt like his whole world was kept together by those hands, and he supposed that was exactly how it was. He knew what was coming next, and he wanted it so much. When the other man’s lips were on his, it wasn’t the shell of his body being kissed anymore, it was simply him. He was being kissed. It was such a relief, and such joy! 

It wasn’t just one of the usual pecks. They were always too quick for him to grasp. They were sweet, affectionate but tentative, careful and sometimes even downright restrained. This kiss wasn’t. It was so full of longing, of ache and of lust. Though the lips against his were dry and chafed to the point of being painful, it felt like the best experience of his life. They moved against his, softly catching his lower lip, sucking it ever so carefully. 

He knew the other man was inviting himself in, but waited for a response before he’d enter. He tried so hard to move his lips back. He wanted so badly to taste the other man. He was so close. At one point their breath matched up so that he could breathe in the other man’s breath, and though it was stale, it caused the feeling of falling, as if the ground underneath him had been ripped away, and he was left floating in the air. 

When he exhaled, the other man gave the sweetest little happy sigh, bordering on a soft moan, and for a second or two, the other man’s kissing intensified even more. He could feel the tip of the other man’s tongue against his lips, softly easing his mouth open. It was as if every tiny part of him that had been moisntened by the other man’s tongue was set on fire. He could feel the lingering sensation, and the fire spread to his lungs, down the centre of his body and settling in his groin. It was such a heavenly feeling, but it was quickly ripped away from him when the other man flinched, pulled a sharp breath and suddenly pushed them violently apart.

To first be given such joy, to feel the normalcy of intimate touch with this man, this person that he somehow knew so well, made him feel as if a bomb had gone off inside his own body, and in a flash it had turned into a seared, useless, limp wasteland.

“No no no, gods please Cloud, please forgive me. I didn’t mean to! I didn’t remember, I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. Please don’t cry, oh gods… I’m such a monster!”

No! No! He wanted to scream for… Zack! His name was Zack! He remembered! He wanted to scream it wasn’t Zack’s fault! That he wanted it too! That he was fine with Zack taking comfort in his body. Quick rustling beside him before those thumbs were stroking away tears from below his eyes. It was a bizarre relief, but at least he was crying. He was in his own body, and he was crying, and it was Zack who was with him. It was the first time he thought that maybe he wouldn’t be sick forever. It was such a huge difference and he wished he could tell that to Zack too. His beloved Zack.

After that, things took a turn for the gloomier. He found them more often in small towns and villages, and Zack disappeared from his side more frequently than he had before. He supposed Zack tried to be discrete, bur for some reason he could often hear Zack if he just focused hard enough. He heard Zack bargaining about something. 

The first time the words used had been vague, and Cloud hoped from the bottom of his heart that it wasn’t what he thought it was. With time, that hope disappeared. Zack seemed to get less and less bothered to hide it from him until at one point they were spending the night at an Inn. He supposed the room had two beds because he was lying alone in one, from the sounds of it, Zack was fucking someone on the other one, a john, presumably. He found, to his own surprise, that he was fluent in Zack’s cries and moans. They varied between desperation for distraction, for comfort or for human closeness and his least favourite: self-punishment.

At first, he’d been angry with Zack, for giving up on him, but the anger had quickly subsided to sorrow. Apparently he cried a lot, because Zack was often comforting him for it, with a voice leaden with guilt. It all became a rather sad downward spiral, and he felt absolutely powerless to do anything about it. When he wasn’t overcome with sadness, he tried to make his body move. He tried until all his head was ringing, and sometimes until he blacked out. Zack’s touches had become restrained, as if he was afraid to taint Cloud with them. Apparently, that too, made him cry. When Zack started apologising, he wished he could scream.

The lack of response from his body made him so frustrated, until he felt downright hatred for it. It just kept failing him. He felt trapped inside it in a way that he never had in the beginning, and all he could do was silently scream inside his head. The only upside, if one could call it that, was that his sadness seemed to bring his sad memories to the surface. Bit by bit, the painful memories of Sephiroth returned, reminding him of the way his body had betrayed him in that situation too. Despair blurred the lines between night and day, between town and country, between the drinks that were still poured down his throat five times a day. It was all a horrible mess.

…

Without being fully aware Zack had led them south, no doubt with his parents in mind. They were the only family he could think of that could relieve him from some of the pressure and loneliness. The only ones he could trust enough. And well, as things were, he desperately wanted to see them at least one more time. Still, the familiar woods and landscape crept up on him like an ambush, and it wasn’t until he saw the familiar strap of ocean that he realized where they’d ended up. At that point he found himself too close to be able to turn away, even though he understood it was an unwise choice.

The confirmation on just how bad an idea it had been came quick, with Cissnei approaching him, cornering him against the water. Her eyes were filled with sadness, pity and disappointment, but when she came closer it warped into disbelief.

“That bad huh?” Zack put his hand to the back of his neck and ruffled the hair there with an embarrassed, guilty smile.

“I didn’t know you were our targets. They’ve announced you missing in action, and I hoped it was another one of those faked reports.” She sighed, put her over dimensioned throwing star away and walked up to Zack to touch his hand.

“Glad not to disappoint you then,” Zack said, trying for a light remark, but it sounded like an apology. A guilty one at that.

“Shit Zack, this is really bad, you’ve got a kill-warrant on your head.” Her conflicted feelings were evident in her voice.

“Please, please Cissnei, look the other way or we’ll be back to Hojo’s mercy. Hojo, for fucks sake!” Zack voice was suppressed desperation. He nodded to Cloud where he was slumped up against a bank of sand.

“What did they do?” Being a turk Cissnei wasn’t easily jarred, but Zack could still hear a vague distaste directed at Shin-Ra in her tone.

“Honestly, I’m not sure. But Cloud’s got mako-poisoning. His tolerance was lower than mine, he’s got it bad.” Zack couldn’t keep his voice from trembling, and the vibrations spread from his voice to his limbs as he spoke.

When Cissnei grabbed his arm to steady him, Zack knew she wouldn’t report them. They’d gotten quite close at the Shin-Ra villa when she had been assigned to guard him during his convalescence-stay in Costa del Sol. He knew she had pitied him then, and that she’d be reluctant to see him suffer more. He thanked his lucky moogle that they’d sent her and no one else. Thank the gods for human errors.

“I hate to ask you, but would you do me a favour?” Zack stepped into her personal space and placed his forehead on her shoulder.

“Your parents? I met them. They’re good.” She awkwardly patted his unusually unkempt black spikes.

“Really? Will you keep an eye on them while I’m gone? Make sure they’re ok?” He swallowed his pride, and his will to not burden others when he asked. He liked Cissnei a lot. Under a hard exterior, she was a loyal and dependable friend, he knew.

“Sure… Zack, you’ve got to go. There are troops in the area.”

“Just… one more minute. Gods, I’m so tired…” embarrassed to ask for even more, Zack whispered his request. Every little kindness anyone could spare him, he soaked up desperately. To receive it from someone he knew, even it if it was just her hands in his hair, he needed it, like a fucking toy that needed it’s batteries to be charged. He’d never gone so long without the closeness of his friends. It would have been fine, if only Cloud-.

“Zack…” Cissnei reluctantly pushed him away. “I’ll send them in the wrong direction. Take my bike if you trust it not to be tracked.” She dug out a pair of keys from her pockets and pressed it into Zack’s hand.

When Zack looked into her eyes, he could see some of his own tiredness reflected, along with some other less than joyful feelings. He could feel his face break into one of his old, warm, beaming smiles. A faint expression of surprise came over Cissnei before she returned the gesture with a sad smile of her own. It made him think maybe things would really be alright again.

“Oh, and happy 25rd birthday by the way,” Cissnei said while turning to walk away.

Zack froze on the spot and put his hand on Cissnei’s shoulder. “What?”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t celebrate you for the last four years.” Cissnei reluctantly shot Zack a glance over her shoulder before she shrugged his hand off of her.

“Okay, thanks…” Zack managed with some effort. Four years?! That meant they’d been in the mako tanks for several years! No wonder Cissnei had been so surprised to find him alive. 

Zack went to fetch Cloud, and found Cissnei’s bike gleaming under the starry sky. It was the cutest; mint green with a sidecar and two large dorky helmets. If only Cloud would have been awake! He’d always wanted a bike. Maybe not this specific one, but still. He found himself chatting to Cloud more excitedly than he had in a long time. He greedily pulled the night breeze into his lungs and for a little while he felt invincible again.

“We’re going to Midgar, Cloud. I’ve decided! We’re going to be mercenaries. We’ll find our own way to keep our honour, just like Angeal said! I’m sending a message to a group called Avalanche. Do you remember them? If you haven’t woken up by then, Midgar would be the best chance of finding you help. I’m sorry it took me this long to realise what I needed to do, but I know now. We’re going to be fine! Now let me tell you about this bike…”

Zack frequently cast glances to Cloud sitting in the side car as they zoomed forth on the country road. If Cloud hadn’t been wearing a helmet, he would have been surprised to have seen a small smile on Cloud’s face.  
…

Cloud felt the sun warming him and a pleasant rustle of his hair from the wind. He knew they were in the back of a truck from the sound of the motor. Zack’s arm was casually slung around his shoulders. The mood had picked up significantly since meeting Cissnei, though the bike had been discarded for some unknown reason at some point.

In the previous town Zack had gotten a reply from Avalanche, and they’d even been invited to join a mission. Though Cloud couldn’t see Zack, he could clearly picture him lifting his face to the sun with an easy smile and deep breaths. He could feel it from Zack’s arm. It was as if Zack could feel his excitement too, because the arm around him tightened and he felt a lazy kiss to his hair. He promised the gods he would never take those pecks for granted again.

They rode along in that sunny day for quite a while before Zack’s arm went stiff. He heard it too, a fraction of a second later, the sound of a helicopter. Zack was gone from his side in a second, banging on a panel for the driver to stop. He was easily picked up by Zack’s strong arms, and he felt Zack confidently leap down to the ground. 

Alarm made every hair on his body stand on end when he felt Zack running. Normally Zack didn’t lose his cool like that, even if they’d run into monsters or Shin-Ra troops fairly often. Normally Zack managed to talk them out of trouble, sneak around them, or easily fight them off. That he was running with such urgency now meant that something serious was up.

“Spike, don’t worry, I’ll be right back, okay? We’re barely a day’s walk from Midgar. It’s nothing.” A quick peck to his cheek before he was sat down on the ground, his back against sun-warmed stones. Perhaps it was the shock of it that allowed him to open his eyes. Zack’s blurry contour shrank as he walked until Cloud couldn’t see him anymore.

It felt ominous when the sky suddenly opened up, just in time with the horrible feeling in his guts. If he’d been a superstitious person he’d think fate was interfering. The sun quickly got blacked out by heavy clouds, and the disappearance of it pressed lingering shivers into his bones.

When the first roar sounded, he couldn’t tell if it was thunder of the sound of a gun being fired. A few seconds of silence followed, then the gunshots started really going off. There must have been countless troops because he couldn’t even separate the gunshots from one and other. It was just a cacophony of fire that seemed to go on forever. He willed his hands to move, and with great effort he managed to wiggle his fingers, then his toes. He fell over to his side when he found the muscles of his stomach, and somehow, he got up on all fours and dragged himself in a poor imitation of crawling, in the direction that Zack had walked.

The gunfire had stopped before he’d even made it a few yards from the little spot where cliffs had hidden him from the road, and at this point rain had started pouring from the sky. His movements were so slow, and his vision was blurred by the incessant rain, but he could hear the helicopters taking off. He could see countless Shin-Ra vehicles roll away just as he could peak around the corner of the cliff. He only waited a few seconds after the last of the trucks had passed before he started crawling towards the dark spot at the edge of the cliffs on the other side of the road.

He kept his head down as he painstakingly made way, afraid of what he’d see if he looked ahead. Afraid that he might not make it all the way there if he knew what was there. It seemed to take him ages, ages, before the colour under his hands changed to red. Only then did he look up to see Zack laying down a few meters ahead of him. Perhaps he’d misjudged his own abilities, because he managed to speed up, making his body scream in protest, when he closed the final distance.

He found Zack with eyes still open, but his breath was strained, and he flinched with every breath. The feeling that came over him when he saw the innumerable gunshot wounds that formed angry, lethal craters of bleeding red all over his body, was simply indescribable. What cruel turn of faith had he woken up to? Feeling lost for what to do, he simply pushed himself up to sit at Zack’s side, softly calling Zack’s name. It didn’t take long before Zack’s eyes managed to settle on him.

Cloud felt his heart break when Zack smiled for him. It took all that he had not to collapse to the ground.

“My part. You have to love yourself enough to cover for my part too.” Zack’s voice was so warm. He looked so peaceful, as if all the pain had drained away as soon as his eyes had landed on him.

Cloud felt his own eyes go wide, and rain falling into them, cooling them down from the tears that were trying to burn them. He wanted to shake his head and scream. He wanted to throw himself on Zack’s chest and beg him not to die, but the picture was clear. He knew better. He just nodded, forcing himself to keep it together. If Zack was going, he was going in peace, on his own terms.

“I was Angeal’s, and now you’re mine. My living legacy. I’m so very proud of you, so you have to live my part too.” Though Zack’s words were quiet, they were said with utter conviction.

Cloud wanted to scream again. That was the cruellest thing Zack could possibly ask of him, and he felt rage like never before. How dared he?! Perhaps Zack knew what he was thinking, because Zack reached out to pull his head down to his chest in an awkward, broken embrace. Whatever horrible things he’d lived through, it all faded against the absolute terror of feeling his cheek going warm and sticky with his best friend’s blood. Gods, he was already racking his brain for a reason to why he’d deserved to live through this.

“Please live.” Cloud felt Zack’s chest vibrate as he spoke. The words seemed to carve a wound into him, a wound that promised right from the start that it would fester and bleed.

Apparently, Zack wasn’t done yet, because Zack’s hand left Cloud's wet, golden spikes, and Cloud dutifully sat up again, adamant to follow Zack’s lead. Zack lifted his other hand that was still holding the buster sword and placed it firmly in Cloud’s hands. Then he shoved Cloud’s hands away from him, almost playfully. The gesture brought back all the times they’d teased each other in utter silliness, all the times they had collapsed on top of each other to form one human heap of laughter. He felt his heart break again. Was it supposed to do that? He only had one, right?

“Our honour and dreams, Cloud, live them all.”

Cloud watched in horror was Zack’s face settled into another serene smile before his eyes lost focus and closed, and with a tiny little spasm, life left him. 

No no no no no. He hadn’t had time to tell Zack that he loved him. He hadn’t had time to say goodbye. This couldn’t be happening. He didn’t even know what he was doing when he turned his face up towards the rain and just screamed at the top of his lungs. Screaming once wasn’t nearly enough though, so he just went on. With every breath he kept screaming, until no sound could be produced from his raw throat anymore. He was so afraid to turn his head back down.

Eventually he had to and was met by Zack’s beautiful, all too peaceful face that made him want to scream all over again. Instead, he folded Zack’s hands to his chest, and then put his head down over Zack’s heart. The lack of a heartbeat was very distinct. He wanted to die there. He’d hoped he would, from some freak accident, because Zack’s last words prevented him from making it happen.

He wanted to apologize, and to say over and over how much he loved Zack, but it was as if the paralysis had set in again, or perhaps he was simply too tired. He felt a tiredness he’d never felt before. It was just devastating. He decided to wait until it felt real, and maybe then he’d know what to do.

He supposed he’d fallen asleep, because when he lifted his head the rain had stopped, and the sun was shining. The cliff around him wasn’t red anymore. It was hardly even pink. But Zack was still there, still dead. He lifted his head to find the relief of the Midgar skyline glittering brilliantly in the morning sunshine. He could see it easily, because the land around it was completely bare. There was nothing to detract from it.

He felt utterly numb when he kissed Zack’s cheek one last time, whispered a ’thank you’, ‘I love you’ and ‘sleep tight’. It didn’t feel like it was enough, but nothing ever would, nothing in his power anyway.

He managed to stand up, but there was no way he could lift the buster sword, so he just started dragging it, continuing down the road that would take him down the cliffs and onwards, towards Midgar.

…

Dragging his feet, and the sword that he knew was heavy, but seemed heavier yet, he could feel himself changing. It was as if a new resident came to settle in his body.

He could feel it creeping in through his swollen and long since dry tear ducts, creeping into whatever sack of membrane his tears would have inhabited if there had been any left. From there it stretched out downwards, stretched into his limbs to take residence in them, settling in next to his own flesh and bones. It would forever change the way he moved his body, reminding his every cell that he had nothing left to lose. It was a deceptive creature, taking up so much space it seemed to press other things out to make room for itself. 

He bargained with it. It had the sweetest voice he’d ever heard. It tried to bargain for Cloud’s life. It tempted him to lie down on that infertile, cracked ground and become one with it. It told him how easy it would be; no more fighting, no more dragging that heavy sword, he could see Zack right away.

But Cloud wouldn’t. He’d promised Zack. Then it bargained for his love and happiness instead, which caught Cloud’s attention. He couldn’t see love as anything but a mistake, from where he was. It had caused him the most tremendous pain, and Zack had lost his life over it. It seemed to be an easy offering to give. Happiness too. Who was he to expect happiness after all this? After Zack was gone? Yes, he could give that up too. Was he even giving it up when he was so certain he’d never have it again? He wasn’t sure.

In exchange the new resident promised him power, rage and unbridled strength. Cloud wanted to have that desperately. He tried to focus enough to direct his rage towards Shin-Ra, but it was hard. At first, the taste of Zack’s blood in his mouth could remind him of it, but after walking until his mouth was dry, he couldn’t feel it anymore. It was as if his memories evaporated from his body along with the water he expelled through his skin and his breaths. His resident was comforting though, whispering sweet little things to the back of his mind. 

By the time Cloud could see the gates of Midgar, his mind was deeply fractured. The loss of Zack, the way Sephiroth had betrayed them, all of his dreams… losing all but the tiniest grain of hope, he couldn’t deal with it. To keep going he let his new resident get rid of it all. He managed to keep the desire to be strong, to use his strength to help others, like Zack had wanted. Like they had wanted.

When he stepped inside the Midgar gates he collapsed, and couldn’t think anything at all. When he woke, he was in a stranger’s bed. When he sat up in the bed and saw his own reflection in a mirror, it seemed unfamiliar.

He walked up to it and despite knowing it was irrational, he thought he looked like nothing but a shell, hiding something much more gruesome than human flesh and bones. He found his reflection repulsive. There was only one part of himself that he didn’t loathe; his eyes. They glowed faint with the prettiest shade of green that reminded him of something just outside the grasp of his memory. Something like the smell of wet soil after summer rain, or the smell of the ocean on a warm summer’s day when the sky was the deepest shade of blue. 

Seeing his own eyes, he had an impulse to touch something soft, like stroking stroke a black cat, perhaps, or a puppy. That seemed odd. He stood in front of the mirror for a long time trying to remember what exactly his glowing eyes reminded him of, but he couldn’t. Eventually he had to turn away. 

‘Get it together, chocobo-butt,’ he told himself, at once feeling strange for calling himself with such a strange nickname. It didn’t seem as one he’d choose for himself.

But that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he’d made it to Midgar in time for his mission. He gripped the handle of his sword and paused for a while to admire it. It was silly to love inanimate objects, he knew, but loved his sword so much it pained him. It was nearly a shame to use it. Today he’d find some good weapon grease. A sword was made to be used, but at least he could minimise the wear and tear by taking good care of it. It was his way of preparing, for tomorrow the sword would, yet again, soak in blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Though this story is finished, I will be adding afterwords and discuss my own choices for this fic in a separate ‘chapter’ within the next few days. Keep your eyes open!
> 
> Want more? I've recently published number of one-offs and a mindless Puppet-Cloud story (sefikura) if you'd like to read that. There is a few clack/zakkura stories and two with Zack/Angeal. 
> 
> Because I'm me, this might very well get a sequel.
> 
> As you might have noticed all chapters are being re-read, edited and betaed. I'll update and tag again when it's all done.


	30. Afterwords/ discussion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not a story-chapter, but merely an afterword and discussion about decisions made, and perspectives on my own writing. If you don't like to think deep about what you've been reading, please feel free to skip this.

Dear readers, I can’t thank you enough for following along on this ride of my first fanfic. I’d also like to think Cate Sith, my trusted beta-reader who’s been immensely helpful with encouragement, superb edits and asking all the right questions to make this fic better.

As has happened to so many before me, I had no intention of this turning into the mastodon it is. It simply started with one idea, and one comment with some vague prompt request of bringing Zack into the picture and asking what Zack would think if he’d seen Cloud ‘submit’ to Sephiroth.

I spent a great deal of time thinking about the mechanisms that would lead up to that point and a few early decisions were made: I decided I’d stick quite close to CC canon with the intention of “filling in blanks” in the character relationships. I decided to focus on what I know: relationships. I find psychological processes the most interesting and are arguably one of the aspects I have considered most, so that’s what I decided I’d focus on.

**Early decisions**

One of the most important early decisions I made is that I decided that the story wouldn’t have a happy ending. There are so many fix-it fics out there already, doing their thing. The way I felt about CC and Sephiroth is that he was already way too far gone to be ‘saved’ by Cloud’s love at the point of him coming into Sephiroth’s life. I don’t fundamentally believe people change much, easily or frequently. This is not something I say only from personal experience, but also from my academic reading, of which a large portion has focused on various dimensions of heterosexual/heteronormative relationships as I majored in gender studies. 

**On the topic of love**

I once received a comment that was edited later, so it’s not in my comment section any more, but it had me thinking a lot. It was barely halfway into the fic, and the comment asked for reassurance of Sephiroth having actual feelings of love for Cloud.

There are so many stories, especially in the genre of romance or narratives of love, that tell the story of a woman’s love changing a ‘hard’ and ‘cold’ man to someone who’s strong and protective of them. It often makes the female protagonist out as ‘special’ or ‘chosen’, and therefore deserving of being treated well by the male protagonist. I believe this narrative is damaging and dangerous because it simply doesn’t reflect truth.

There are a number of transgressions within romance and relationships which are excused by love. Typically, it can be things like aggressive behaviour, possessiveness, jealousy, transgressions of property, or personal boundaries and a number of other things. I personally think that these types of behaviours have nothing to do with love, and they can absolutely not be absolved by invoking feelings of ‘love’. (See end of this post for recommendations of more material of these issues). In general it is my personal belief that ideas about love that 'justify' bordering on abusive or straight up abusive behaviour is more damaging than portrayals of problematic sex.

Though I love Sephiroth as my own brainchild, I believe he does deserve what comes to him. He has not lived up to treating others with basic human decency. Neither has he been treated with such as a child, but that’s ultimately no excuse for doing the same. My belief is that it doesn’t matter if Sephiroth is in love with Cloud or not. If he is, he certainly isn’t putting it into any sort of sustainable practice.

**What is the abuse in the abusive relationship?**

Though I'm sure many of you see the abuse between Seph and Cloud very clearly in this fic, I'd still like to put my five cents on this. One of the most obvious aspects is the hot/cold aspect of how Seph treats Cloud. Sometimes his actions come across as quite warm, loving and affirming, and some times he is very cruel and cold towards Cloud. This is typically a thing that is very damaging to the psyche of the victim. There is also a something that is commonly called a normalisation process going on. It is the process in which the boundaries of what is considered 'normal' gets displaced in favour of the one in power. In this fic it may not be so clearly written bc of all the exaggerated smut, but it is still reflected in how Cloud little by little, accepts Sephiroth's way of treating him as normal. Cloud even internalises this and thinks that he deserves getting treated like he is by Sephiroth. This process is also why many find themselves caught abusive relationships without really knowing or realising that that's what's going on. According to feminist researcher Carin Holmberg, the victim of abusive relationships typically only become ready to leave the relationship when their own or someone else's life is threatened (their own, their children's or their pet's). That is the foundation of why I decided to write the very gruesome situation in chapter 27.

**On the topic of gender portrayal:**

Though I paint a pretty clear picture of the male bodies I’ve written about, I’ve aimed to keep the fetishising of masculinity and power differences to a minimum (within context). I’ve avoided stressing size-differences, age differences, and perhaps toned down the aspect of ‘male muscular bodies’ a little bit (definitely not as much as I could have). 

There is definitely a big difference in the portrayal of power imbalances between Cloud/Zack and Cloud/Sephiroth, and obviously these relationships pay out quite differently. I hope that I’ve allowed enough ‘space’ for queer readings, queer bodies, queer identities, and queer genders. If you have opinions on this or if this was something that you were thinking of while you were reading this fic, I’d love some feedback on it.

  
**My concern with reproducing damaging stereotypes**

French philosopher Michael Focault, and many feminist thinkers before and after him, have debated how our ideas about reality form our understanding of it. Narratives about relationships that circulate in our society form a part of the ‘normalcy baseline’ against which we measure our real-life experiences against. This is what leads me to my ongoing concern of reproducing damaging stereotypes about sex, relationships and love. I feel great responsibility for my writing, and I’m concerned that fetishising rape and abusive relationships would make real people more prone to fall into them in reality. 

Apparently, my concerns about this have been overpowered by the arguments that reading/writing about these problematic situations can still be beneficial as some sort of cathartic experience, experience processing, etc. My fav argument comes from _Reading the romance_ by Janice Radway (1984). Her conclusion is that reading smut makes women (and people of other genders who engage in smut-reading for… reasons) less dependent on men for sexual gratification. If that’s not safe, I don’t know what is! LOL!

Lastly, the correlations between what people like to fantasise about and what they want in real life are pretty muddy. In my years of media studies within my major of gender studies I have yet to come across any studies that clearly correlate the two. I think it is easy to forget that thinking/fantasising about something can have other functions other than to will our imagination to become true, and that too, may be a comfort to anyone who struggles with these complicated questions.

I can’t allude to knowing what’s right and wrong in these types of questions, because honestly, it’s a mess. By adding this afterword, I hope to open up for more discussions about these topics for anyone who wants/needs to talk about them. I would like to extend the warmest possible invites to the comment section, or to write to me by e-mail if preferred. You can find it in my profile.

**Further resources**

On the topic of tropes in popular media on Youtube. I personally recommend the ‘Born sexy yesterday’ episode, but there are many more that apply.

Reading the romance by Janace Radway (1984) is still a classic on romance. Her materials is Harlequin books, and though I want it or not, I guess my writing is in their legacy. Smut smut smut for women and non-men ftw.

I have a number of excellent reading tips on the topic of abusive relationships, men and love, but they’re all in Swedish (and they have not been translated to my knowledge). Let me know if any of you would like to know about them, and I’ll give references to you. Knowledge is power, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for the time you have invested in reading this. It has been my honour to share my writing with all of you.


	31. Illustration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Started out as a sketch to explain to my fantastic beta reader [Cate Sith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CateSith) what Cloud’s outfit would look like. If you don’t like illustrations for your reading please skip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me and Cate have not forgotten about this fic, we’re focusing keeping up to date on Silver and gold at the moment. I’m still very fond of parts of this and am loosely planning on a follow up. I’m aware though that Parts of this is in bad need of editing. Thank you all for your generous reading of this fic despite its flaws. It means so much to me! 💕🌸💕

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first fic, and it has only been partially betaed. Expect significant textual differences, until the time when I feel like picking up this project again and finish editing. And to all who have read it generously despite its various states; thank you.


End file.
